When will it ever change?

LegacyUser

Hi everone,

Just feel I gotta write here in the hope all you boardsies may be able to shed some light as to what I'm doing wrong in my relationships/dating life.

Very basically, men don't see me as relationship material. I'm seen purely as the fling/f**k buddy/good time girl. I honestly think I must have slut/use me tatooed across my forehead because I do not dress provocativly, nor am I a big flirt. Infact I'm quite shy, but very friendly and always make an effort to be pleasent and friendly with people.

This happens with almost every man I get to know, that is the few who even bother to take a chance on me. I hardly ever get chatted up, when I do it is usually by drunk guys or players... ( I've found out they're players the hard way). I never get the nice guys, I will occassionaly make the first move when I see someone I like but they never seem to take me seriously. I get the "you're way outa my league", "you're my fantasy girl, not reality girl" lines. This makes me feel so upset and depressed. I feel no-one wants me, just because I look kind of good. Infact I hate how I look, but everyone tells me I'm stunning... I'm just a regular girl.

I'm 29, so not some naive 19 year old. I just feel I will be alone forever. I'm so lonely and don't know what else to do to make men see I'm a real girl and not some face out of a magazine or movie. All guys can't be shallow users, yet that kind seem to be all that ever come my way.

Help me break this horribe cycle. What am I doing wrong?

Rocket19

Not trying to be sharp here, OP, but I've seen a lot of these kinds of threads on here. In my experience, good-looking women don't really ever have that much of a problem finding (nice) guys. It's just not the way it works. I find it very doubtful that the reason you can't find a man is because you're "too hot". While of course I know that some men would be intimidated by a pretty girl, an equally large amount of men would not.

I'm not at all trying to belittle your problem, so sorry! It's just I know a lot of girls who sooo pretty (I talking simply gorgeous girls), and as far as I know, they have no problems.
I think you may have to look a little closer to home. If I'm wrong, I apologise, but at least consider the possibility that you're sending out the wrong signals? You seem quite intent on the fact that men are "only after one thing", can't take you seriously, only look at you as the "good time girl".
Are you very chatty and open, or are you quite reserved? If you are in fact, quite quiet, to some guys this can come across as snobby or unapproachable (even if you're not at all!!). It's very possible that you perhaps looks closed off, and teamed with the fact you are apparently very pretty, this is probably putting guys off. The only guys it DOESN'T put off however, are the c*cky bastards who will approach anyone, and it is THESE very guys who are usually up for the one nighters. You get me?

Try to consciously think about your body language, and the signals you're giving out. You may not even realise what you've been doing until you really think about it. Being open, approachable and happy is a lot more attractive, and will encourage the "nice" guys to approach you.
Hope I'm somewhere near the mark here : )

ihsb

You say you get to know that they are players the hard way? Why don't you get to know them before you allow yourself to be played?

I know that people can lie and you might feel like you have something special so it might not work all the time. But if you are honest with yourself you can tell what a man is interested in on the first date.

Maybe wait until you have a connection. I can only assume here obviously, but it seems that may be what has happened. Also try speed dating or something like that. Go to meet men places where you are likely to meet men that are looking for something more meaningful.

RealistSpy

You need to slow things down when you do meet someone. The best way to weed out a player is not give him for he wants straight away and you will see how fast they run.

GL

Piliger

This is imho a dangerous thread for us to comment on because the solutions lie close to home rather than with men in general and we can be accused of blaming the OP.

Both men and women are known to often get into a rut of choosing the same kind of partner over and over and over again. It is a common and know phenomena. Sadly for some this 'type' can be a destructive one. Often abused women repeatedly chose abusers. Men sometimes continually chose specific types themselves. This ALL happens subconsciously and arises out of childhood or parental influences.

I am being completely honest when I say I don't know how you break this cycle. I do know that you have to discover what the 'type' is first, and then tackle the subconscious attraction.

I know sometimes we throw around the word 'counsellor' hereabouts but in this case I would honestly suggest you should find a suitable specialist to try to help you. You may only need to have a few consultations and not a lifetime treatment I sympathise hugely with you and wish you the best of luck.

December2012

I agree with piligers last post. The one thing all those men have in common is you.

So look at yourself honestly, friends might not tell you the truth, so I would look at seeking a few sessions of professional help.

JimmyCrackCorn

December2012 wrote: »

I agree with piligers last post. The one thing all those men have in common is you.

So look at yourself honestly, friends might not tell you the truth, so I would look at seeking a few sessions of professional help.

I used to have a similar problem, string of bad relationships and one day I said bugger this. Took a long hard look at myself realised fundamentally I rocked but had a few bad traits.

I worked on not my relationships but me. My confidence, outlook on life, Perseus my interests, did a bit of self improvement and most important stopped dwelling/blaming myself for things.

My life changed in less than a year. Relationships, mental and physical health, social circle grew.

I could easily have called women the root of all evil, it wasn't them it was me finding exactly the same type of codependent needy relationship.

There are great guys out there and they are probably right in front of you. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hey lolita...

I'm a 26 year old and in the very same position as you. Ive given it great thought over the last while, even more recently this week when i went on a second date with someone ive known a while, spent the night in his house (there was no sex) spent all the next day together (he even called in sick to work) and now he has stopped txting. Perhaps I shouldnt have even gone home with him, but it's as simple as this, he's just not that into me. I said id txt him once more which I did at 3am this morning but i'm not ashamed, why should I be? On the scale of world problems as I like to say ;-)

I seem to attract the ones fresh out of relationships (himself broke up with his ex who moved from america to be with him only 6 weeks ago) so I know thats something I need to change. I woke up this morning and a bit like yourself and what other posters have mentioned there is a common denominator...you/me. It takes a lot to admit it I know

You should take time out from the dating scene. Focus on you. Most of my friends are in relationships which I admit does get me down, but that's life. I may or may not meet someone...

Today is a new day. Go out and do something you enjoy...go for a long walk and see how you feel.

pwurple

Maybe a simple change of style would help? You know, they say for jobs, dress for the role you want, not the role you have.

Try to dress as if you were already someone's long-term girlfriend. It could be what you wear putting you into fantasy-girl land.

I'm sure someone on the beauty boards could help out, or even ask a professional stylist.

nowyouresix

Lolita.... Nothing is going to dramatically change. Things will always be the same unless you change. You are beautiful, stunning you said someone called you. Be happy about that. Embrace it. If a guy tells you that you're out of his league, then you are. Move on and find another. He'll never truly be comfortable with you, probably will end up becoming controlling and suspicious. Try not to get upset or downbeat about the fact you have no man right now. Pursue some hobbies, do something you like, and you will find someone suitable for you.

Good luck....

snafuk35

when I do it is usually by drunk guys or players

Where do you go to meet men or where have men met you?
Have you only been approached by or approached men in clubs or pubs?
Supposing you were shopping in Tesco and you saw a guy you liked would you go over and start a conversation? Or if you were reading a book in the park on your lunch break would you start a conversation with a man sitting on the grass nearby reading his book? If you were on the bus and a nice guy on his way to work ended up sitting next to you would you start a conversation?
Why do you wait until you go out to clubs and pubs to meet men you are drunk or players who are obviously on the pull? Perhaps you are ignoring other men who are around you 24/7 and would only to happy too meet a girl like you and have a real relationship? Have you noticed guys in the daytime checking you out but were too shy to approach you and you went away annoyed that an opportunity passed you by? Why not take the initiative yourself?

Lux23

OP I would probably have similar issues to you but I have come to realise that the reason my relationships don't work out is because number one I have a massive fear of rejection which also means I am terrified of commitment. So I will always intrinsically fall for men where there is a very small chance of it working out in the long term. For instance, I have recently fallen for a lad I know a few years who is four years younger than me and although he finds me attractive and likes me he doesn't see any future. Yet I am still can't let go of the idea of being with him.

Maybe you need to look at the men you are opting for and see if that's the reason it's not working for you?

ash23

OP, I was in a similar position for a while. Came out of a very long, serious relationship, had some fun and then after a few years, decided I was fed up on the meaningless stuff and wanted something more.
But I didn't change my habits to start with. I still went for the same type, in the same places and fell for the same lines.
It took some time but eventually I decided that the problem was me and I had to stop looking for the same type of guy and consider ones I wouldn't have considered before and totally change my dating habits.

So I did and for months there were a number of offers but I took none and sure enough, when there wasn't instant gratification for those guys, they bailed never to be seen or heard from again. For example, I'd get a guy trying it on in a pub/club and where once I'd have snogged him, now I just say "here's my number, I'd love to meet up with you during the week for a drink".
Most never called and just moved on in the club to the girl who might go home with them. Some called but you can easily suss out the ones who are only looking for one thing.

So it was a long, lonely few months but eventually I met someone. He asked me for my number. He called. He arranged a date. And another. And another. And in between those dates he calls me when he says he will. It's still early days but it's got more potential than any of the "relationships" I've had in the last 4 years. And I truly believe that is because I made the changes and discarded the ones I knew were only after a fling rather than having the fling and hoping for the best.

LegacyUser

Reading some of the post here I can understand where you are coming from.
Years ago you met some one, went out for a few years and got married but that has changed.
At this stage when you meet someone you chat and have a kiss only. Give the man your phone number/email address and say I would like to see you again. If he is interested he will contact you and if not it is his loss. You want a relationship not a look and **** buddy.
I see some girls now who go out in the really short skirts and a top that leaves nothing to the imagination. If this is you wear something that is not as revealing as some guys don't like this look. I would get involved in some organisations or do some charity work as you could meet a decent guy through this.
I would look at any new man you meet as a new friend not as a boyfriend/ husband or the father of my children as guys can sense a girl who is like this. They come out with the patter to get you to bed and nothing more.
Some times a change of look and changing your mind set can make a difference.
Good Luck.