Feelings from abuse still there?

LegacyUser

Last year was very tough, I was drinking a lot and became suicidal and after one night where I frightened the life outta myself I went to my GP and started cognitive behavioural therapy. We talked a lot about an abusive ex and the awful relationship I had with my dad growing up. My anxiety has lessened to a level I would not have thought possible this time last year. I thought I was not going to be around much longer and since then I have lost weight, got a promotion in work and taken my first holiday! It's all great.

However, there is something that I hope you can help me with. There is one thing that still lingers that I feel is unresolved. That abusive ex was when I was 17. He was my first physical relationship. He was very cruel though and the most manipulative person I've ever met. He told me he'd cheat on me if I didn't sleep with him and sometimes he would perform sexual acts on me despite me saying no. If I tried to stop anything mid act he would pull away in a huff to hurt me. What made it a bit worse was that when I was little my babysitter (who was a teenage boy) held a blanket on my face and lay on top of me, other (minor) things happened as well like rubbing up behind me etc. When my dad found out (I was around 10 maybe) he screamed at me and was furious at me. We never had a nice relationship anyway. I think all the harshness kind of accumulated and that's why I felt so bad last year. I am 22 now and on paper, I am very successful career wise for my age but I feel like there is still a little part of me that feels very embarrassed and ashamed. I am proud of course of everything I've achieved but there is a bit of me that feels very much like I should just sit down and be quiet. I have guilt for not stopping my ex and being more assertive. I did discuss this with the CB therapist but I never went into a lot of detail about what he actually would do and it's these small details that still bother me.

Like him touching me even if I said no. Or how he'd roughly pull his fingers away when I tried to make him stop and then it'd hurt me more. He was really mean. And I know is minor and all but for some reason I cannot bring myself to say it loudly to someone because I feel humiliated. I have dreamt twice this week about being abused and raped by him which I know is an over reaction and that causes more guilt. I feel stupid for it. I was considering going back to the counsellor for a few more sessions and just telling her everything in detail but then part of me wonders, if I've dealt with everything else, is there any point? And will this other stuff just melt away as my confidence grows? Personal experience from people would be great. It's been 5 years since I was with him.

Leviosa

OP it sounds like you have not worked through everything with your counsellor and I would strongly suggest going back and being completely honest.

You sound like you are very successful career wise and you should be very proud of yourself just dont let these bad memories fester away and stop you enjoying other relationships.

thefeatheredcat

I would encourage you to go back to your counsellor and be completely honest.

Guilt doesn't go away by itself and it has to be tackled... it can manifest over time into something bigger and because it's unresolved, it will stay that way. You might be able to bury it by means of trying to move on but eventually, it will come back and that could be at a time when you least want it, for example, when you find yourself starting a happy, loving trust relationship with someone who treats you well.

Even though life is thankfully happy and successful for you, if you are having to deal with even the smallest unresolved issue, there is a danger that you could loose what you have now built for yourself and a risk that leaving it alone might be a somewhat counter productive and destructive.

To safeguard your own happy future it is a better option to go back to the counsellor and resolve everything in the here and now, rather than just pushing it aside hoping it will resolve itself.

LegacyUser

thank you both, I will certainly give it a lot of thought. I am worried the counsellor will find it disappointing that I'm back again but hopefully it'll only take a couple of sessions to iron this stuff out. Thank you for reading.

LegacyUser

thankyouboth wrote: »

thank you both, I will certainly give it a lot of thought. I am worried the counsellor will find it disappointing that I'm back again but hopefully it'll only take a couple of sessions to iron this stuff out. Thank you for reading.

The counsellor is not going to judge you when you go back. In fact, it happens more often than you think and they would be happy that you open up more and work with all of your issues. Counsellors know that what they get through many sessions may be half truths. This is because the patient may not be comfortable disclosing everything due to shame and guilt.

And to be honest, who gives a f*** what anyone thinks. This is about YOU. YOU are doing this for YOU. YOU are paying the counsellor to help YOU. Please don't think the counsellor is going to be disappointed with you and in all honesty I do not think two sessions will eliminate these issues. It can take longer and please accept that.

I have had a childhood of misery too. I grew up with two very evil and manipulative brothers who psychologically tormented and raped me since I was 9. I had a father who did sh*te about it and a mother who was too depressed and dismissed me. I ran away from home and became estranged from my own family. I wrote a thread about it before here. I was hiding from the fear. My fear of healing and moving on which is the most difficult journey to go through. When I ran away from home, I was too focused covering my tracks, changing my name and identity and living my new life of secrecy. What I forgot to do was start LIVING this new life and taking care of my needs and moving on from the past towards a healthy fulfilling future. Yes, I do have the degree and good job, but that did nothing as I was still miserable and fearful inside.

I was very damn lucky that I did not end up a statistic on drugs or alcohol because this is the route that many go towards when it comes to unresolved trauma. Sorry to say it is very true as I work in addictions. Working in this field has opened my eyes because I never met so many that drank or drugged themselves were survivors of sexual abuse/rape trauma that was swept under the rug. When I hear their stories, I think of me and that this can be my future if I do not heal and move on. People drank and drugged themselves to "forget" what happened to them. But what they ended up doing was stopped living. I saw in your first post that you did drink a lot which rang alarm bells, please be careful with this.

OP please work this out now because you are very young, smart and most of all YOU deserve the happiness and contentment with YOUR LIFE. Don't sweep this under the rug and please do not give a rat's ar*se what anyone thinks of you. You know who you are they don't and that's all that matters! Even though I was very lucky and not to turn to drugs and alcohol like the very patients I help through my work. I wasn't so lucky in the health department. All the stress, anger and built up resentment and frustrations and all the hiding of my past eventually took its toll on my health. I was recently hospitalised for heart failure at the young age of 24!

Please get the help now no matter how long it takes and do this for you because you do deserve it!

God bless xx

LegacyUser

Thank you so much to the poster above. You have no idea how much you writing here means. I think some of the guilt comes from knowing that people have suffered worse things and like in your case, when you were a totally blameless, totally innocent child. I think what had made my guilt so intense was that I was 17 and old to enough to stop it and I didn't. I suppose because I feel some responsibility for it, I feel like I have no right to say anything about it. But even saying that makes me realise that I need to go back and resolve this part. The healing from the emotional side of the abuse has healed immensely, it really is just that the physical side was never really looked at. My counsellor knew that I had little choice in what I did with him and that he didnt always stop when I asked but that is as far as it went in the sessions. And I suppose like the poster above said, if I don't deal with it and it comes back to haunt me when I am happy with someone, that'd be a real shame. Already, I find my confidence with men is not what it could be.

I think I will call the counsellor next week and ask to make an appointment. I might as well do something about it now that I can. Thank you all so much.

LegacyUser

Also, to the poster named 'who cares what the counsellor thinks', I'm so sorry that you had to go through so much and I sincerely wish that you will recover fully and have a life full of happiness. You deserve nothing but peace for the rest of your life. Your strength is amazing. xx

LegacyUser

thankyousomuch wrote: »

Thank you so much to the poster above. You have no idea how much you writing here means. I think some of the guilt comes from knowing that people have suffered worse things and like in your case, when you were a totally blameless, totally innocent child. I think what had made my guilt so intense was that I was 17 and old to enough to stop it and I didn't. I suppose because I feel some responsibility for it, I feel like I have no right to say anything about it. But even saying that makes me realise that I need to go back and resolve this part. The healing from the emotional side of the abuse has healed immensely, it really is just that the physical side was never really looked at. My counsellor knew that I had little choice in what I did with him and that he didnt always stop when I asked but that is as far as it went in the sessions. And I suppose like the poster above said, if I don't deal with it and it comes back to haunt me when I am happy with someone, that'd be a real shame. Already, I find my confidence with men is not what it could be.

I think I will call the counsellor next week and ask to make an appointment. I might as well do something about it now that I can. Thank you all so much.

Thank you for your kind words too OP

My story was not intended to make you feel bad or show you that things could be worse. I was trying to convey to you how important it is to tackle this now because you can be at risk of having this fester into something serious; whether an addiction, depression/anxiety or relationship/intimacy issues down the line.

I thought when I left home, no contact with family, finishing my education, and getting that degree and good job that things would be better, but in reality this was further from the truth. No matter how things looked good on the outside, in the inside I was filled with anger and dread. This is why it is so important to do this now and work with all your issues; both the emotional AND physical aspects of the abuse. You have stated that you worked on the emotional parts but keep in mind the physical parts intertwine with the emotions so it is equally important to go through everything with the counsellor.

Please never feel guilty and don't minimise and NEVER BLAME yourself for what has happened to you. What happened to you with the babysitter was terrifying because someone of authority that was supposed to take care of you took advantage of you. It was disappointing considering the fact your father would be someone that would save you from harm but instead became angry with you and shaming you for what happened. As far as your relationship with the bf when you were 17, why would it be any different? You think being able to defend yourself or say no would stop? What if it hadn’t, then what? I have said no to my brothers countless times and it certainly didn’t stop them, in fact it made it worse. So please stop it with the what ifs and personal judgments, this is detrimental thinking and not going to be helpful towards your recovery. These thoughts stop you from moving on and being at peace with yourself. I have heard abuse stories worse than both of ours combined. Not once I dismissed what happened to me or thought because others have it worse, why should I complain? In the end, we are cut from the same cloth; we are all victims of sexual abuse/rape.

My biggest suggestion to you is to keep working on your issues. If you have a great relationship with the counsellor you had, continue with it. He seemed like someone who wanted to go at your pace. If you feel comfortable with this method then carry on. If you feel ready to move beyond that and want a challenge, tell your counsellor ASAP when you meet. Whatever you decide please make sure to be upfront and honest as well as dedicated to the therapy and accept the fact that this may not simply disappear in just a few sessions. Why the delay? Why not call the counsellor this week to make that appointment for next week? He may be busy and not able to see you soon so it is best to call sooner rather than later. I see my therapist once a week and will continue to do so for at least six months, then reduce to every other week for the following six months, and then once a month afterwards; anything less than that would not be fruitful, imo. It is definitely hard and exhaustive work but worth the investment. I have to do it for the most important person; me. You need to think the same way about you, OP.

Take care of yourself xx