Am I being a b*tch?

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Long story short-girl I know, acquaintance really keeps texting me wanting to meet up for coffee etc. I don't have much in common with this girl to be honest and I struggle through a conversation with her. She's a nice person to talk to but a tad odd. Not someone I would choose to be friends with to be honest.

She has initiated contact many, many times over the past couple of yrs looking to meet for coffee and I'd agree only for her to cancel at the 11th hour. She'd usually cancel up to 90% of our meetings up to an hour before we would be due to meet....and with the most outlandish excuses. Sometimes she'd obviously forget what excuses she had previously used and would use the same ones again!!

This really began to annoy me so I just started fobbing her off regarding meeting up saying "I'm too busy etc etc". She still continued to text me (she always initiated the texting) over months so I eventually decided that I'd meet her, give her another chance.

So, she texted me with the usual "lets meet for coffee" but I invited her to my house for lunch at 1pm instead. I wasn't feeling particularly well and it was easier for me to stay at home rather than going into town.

So, I expected her to do the usual cancelling but instead I get a text at 12.50pm, ten mind before she was due saying she was a bit "delayed". Two hours later there was still no sign of her so I texted her and asked was she still coming. She said she would be at mine soon. She eventually called over 2.5 hours late with a crazy excuse (I know the excuse wasn't true as she has used this excuse a number of times).

She had tonnes of presents (always does this-do OTT and embarrassing!) with her for me. We had a chat for 3/4 of an hour, the conversation was a struggle on my part as I've explained...we have very little in common.

So she left after that as i had to go somewhere else and I got another text two days later saying again "we must meet for coffee this week".

I was so annoyed at having been left for 2.5 hours with the lunch which is just typical of her. So I ignored the text. Thought she might just get the hint and go away. But no. She has been texting me at least once a week since then. Same thing about wanting to meet up etc. I wrote back to the last text yesterday just saying I'm busy but she won't just go away.

I don't want to be horrible and tell her to get face that we have nothing in common etc. and that she is the most unreliable person I have ever met! She has ruined Saturdays on me where I have waited to meet her only for her to be a last-minute no show! I can't take a person like this anymore! Doing my head in!

I feel bad for all the ignoring of her as I'm usually not that type of person but there is only so much a person can take!!!!!!

Moved from The Ladies Lounge
More of a personal issue than a discussion topic.
Cheers
whoopsadaisydoodles

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whoopsadaisydoodles wrote: »

Moved from The Ladies Lounge
More of a personal issue than a discussion topic.
Cheers
whoopsadaisydoodles

Cool thanks

Giselle

It will be a lot easier to distance yourself if you didn't accept any gifts from her. If you accept gifts from her she might think your friendship is more developed and significant than you do.

I was in a similar situation once, and I refused an ott gift saying that I wouldn't feel comfortable taking it as we didn't know one another well enough. It was an acquaintance that sounds oddly similar to yours.

If she keeps texting, text her back saying you feel a little overwhelmed by all the contact and you hope she understands if you ask her to back off.

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Giselle wrote: »

It will be a lot easier to distance yourself if you didn't accept any gifts from her. If you accept gifts from her she might think your friendship is more developed and significant than you do.

I was in a similar situation once, and I refused an ott gift saying that I wouldn't feel comfortable taking it as we didn't know one another well enough. It was an acquaintance that sounds oddly similar to yours.

If she keeps texting, text her back saying you feel a little overwhelmed by all the contact and you hope she understands if you ask her to back off.

Yeah I know what you are saying about the gifts but they were in a bag she left on the table and I didn't look in at them until after she had left. I did say at the time "oh my God, where are ya going bringing me presents?!" in a tone that was obviously saying "what are you at?!"

It's a hard one to deal with. The ignoring doesn't seem to be working unfortunately and I feel guilty ignoring anyone..I am just not like that. But I don't need this in my life.

bfocusd

Do the same back to her and when rings looking for you, just be like oh.. Sorry I got stuck somewhere, I won't be able to make it..

It's only when she's the one sitting in a cafe waiting for a no.show will she realise how annoying it is..

Then hopefully she will get the hint, if not rinse and repeat!

Or, if you have a smart phone just forward her calls and texts to the answer machine

Daisy M

I think bfocusds advice is good but the only thing is that will only be a short term fix and in the long term you will still have the same head wrecking problems. I had a similar experience a couple of times and one of them was a right nut case. I bumped into her one time and she asked my number and I gave her the wrong number but she told me straight away I had the wrong second digit. I decided to be ready for her the next time she rang, so I answered the phone and she said "hi daisy its mary" and I said "mary who?" I was delighted with myself until it turned out it was a different "mary" it was a good friend of mine who had been travelling for a few years and had made it my business to contact me as soon as she got home:o. I got a caller id and from then on stopped answering calls from the other "mary" it took a few months but it worked.

Badhb

There seems to be a pair of you in it.
Why cannot you be honest and say directly to this person that you don't want to continue this kind of arrangement/relationship as you have nothing in common, and you are tired of lame excuses and delayed arrangements??

Nothing horrible about that. Just being honest and assertive.
The presents thing is part and parcel of this kind of situation. Its up to you, OP, at this stage. You have to be honest, direct and assertive.

This is not a situation you are happy with. Yet, you are facilitating it and hiding behind excuses. Its up to you to stop it.

If this is a person who is experiencing difficulties with social interactions, she may be overcompensating for that with the presents and the continous contact. Nonetheless, you are the person enabling that, and if it is something you don't want then for goodness sake do her a favour, tell her!

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Badhb wrote: »

There seems to be a pair of you in it.
Why cannot you be honest and say directly to this person that you don't want to continue this kind of arrangement/relationship as you have nothing in common, and you are tired of lame excuses and delayed arrangements??

Nothing horrible about that. Just being honest and assertive.
The presents thing is part and parcel of this kind of situation. Its up to you, OP, at this stage. You have to be honest, direct and assertive.

This is not a situation you are happy with. Yet, you are facilitating it and hiding behind excuses. Its up to you to stop it.

If this is a person who is experiencing difficulties with social interactions, she may be overcompensating for that with the presents and the continous contact. Nonetheless, you are the person enabling that, and if it is something you don't want then for goodness sake do her a favour, tell her!

I do think that if she is someone with difficulties in social interactions, it's not particularly nice to effectively tell that someone to their face that you don't want to be their friend?! I would never ever tell someone that to their face-I feel it's very rude tbh. Not saying ignoring someone isn't but it's the lesser of two evils surely.

And I don't see how I am facilitating anything. I never ever initiate contact, I've ignored almost all texts from her in the last few months and only hosted the lunch to give her a chance (one last one) as she was being so persistent!

I never answer texts (when I did answer texts!) with questions. I never gave her gifts and I never was overly friendly and buddy-buddy with her. So I don't know how I am supposed to have encouraged her in any way?

Giselle

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

I do think that if she is someone with difficulties in social interactions, it's not particularly nice to effectively tell that someone to their face that you don't want to be their friend?! I would never ever tell someone that to their face-I feel it's very rude tbh. Not saying ignoring someone isn't but it's the lesser of two evils surely.

And I don't see how I am facilitating anything. I never ever initiate contact, I've ignored almost all texts from her in the last few months and only hosted the lunch to give her a chance (one last one) as she was being so persistent!

I never answer texts (when I did answer texts!) with questions. I never gave her gifts and I never was overly friendly and buddy-buddy with her. So I don't know how I am supposed to have encouraged her in any way?

Okay well, the question you have to ask yourself is do you want to be nice, or do you want to be rid of her?

You have one life, don't spend it with people you don't want to because you don't want to be blunt. Its better for her that she doesn't invest her time in someone who isn't interested anyway.

Be unavailable and be honest and as blunt as you have to be, and don't worry about not being nice. Its not nice to be cornered into a friendship thats one sided.

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Giselle wrote: »

Okay well, the question you have to ask yourself is do you want to be nice, or do you want to be rid of her?

You have one life, don't spend it with people you don't want to because you don't want to be blunt. Its better for her that she doesn't invest her time in someone who isn't interested anyway.

Be unavailable and be honest and as blunt as you have to be, and don't worry about not being nice. Its not nice to be cornered into a friendship thats one sided.

True. I agree with that. Thanks

Giselle

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

True. I agree with that. Thanks

I know it'll be hard for you because you do seem really nice , but at least it'll be over and you won't have to have a panic attack every time her name comes up on your phone!

Best of luck, hope its not too bad!

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Giselle wrote: »

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

True. I agree with that. Thanks

I know it'll be hard for you because you do seem really nice , but at least it'll be over and you won't have to have a panic attack every time her name comes up on your phone!

Best of luck, hope its not too bad!

Ah thanks! I'll just have to stick with the plan then. Not nice but what else can one do?!

Badhb

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

I do think that if she is someone with difficulties in social interactions, it's not particularly nice to effectively tell that someone to their face that you don't want to be their friend?! ?

Forget about being nice. and being liked. As I said there are a pair of you in it.
If you are concerned about being liked and/of being nice, this will be a problem in resolving your situation. Often people who are having difficulties with social/interpersonal relationships are assuming the other person who they perceive as being the stronger one is the one to set the boundaries.

Just from your posts it suggests that this other girl may well be looking towards yourself to set the boundaries in this friendship. Hard, I know.
But nonetheless, if she perceives you as the stronger party to this friendship here, she may well be assuming that you are setting the boundaries appropriate to what you want the level or setting of the friendship to be.

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

I would never ever tell someone that to their face-I feel it's very rude tbh. Not saying ignoring someone isn't but it's the lesser of two evils surely.?

I don't agree with you. I personally feel its a lot worse to pretend to someone's face all is ok meanwhile desperately looking for a solution and resorting to online help. What is rude? There are many assertiveness classes for example which pull apart people's idea of what 'rudeness' or being 'impolite' is. Maybe you should look into doing one of these classes.

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

And I don't see how I am facilitating anything. I never ever initiate contact, I've ignored almost all texts from her in the last few months and only hosted the lunch to give her a chance (one last one) as she was being so persistent!.?

Can you not see how this passive-aggressive behaviour of not responding is actually contributing to this situation?

Not responding is a choice of action in itself.

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

I never answer texts (when I did answer texts!) with questions. I never gave her gifts and I never was overly friendly and buddy-buddy with her. So I don't know how I am supposed to have encouraged her in any way?

Again the non response is a choice of action. Without clear communication from you regarding her actions/texts etc., this implies some kind of okay with what she is instigating. This is why I am urging you to be clear, direct, and above all, honest ffs. Stop this nonesense about wanting to be nice, polite etc, I am beginning to think it is a sheer excuse for your inability to face up to the situation, deal with the confrontation at hand, and be willing to be honest about what you really think and feel regarding this person. You have literally strung them along this far. Brave up to the task and do it.

Giselle

Badhb wrote: »

I don't agree with you. I personally feel its a lot worse to pretend to someone's face all is ok meanwhile desperately looking for a solution and resorting to online help. What is rude? There are many assertiveness classes for example which pull apart people's idea of what 'rudeness' or being 'impolite' is. Maybe you should look into doing one of these classes.

Can you not see how this passive-aggressive behaviour of not responding is actually contributing to this situation?

Not responding is a choice of action in itself.

I don't think its fair to be calling the OP's behaviour passive aggressive or say she's being duplicitous.

I don't see why she needs to do a course of assertiveness classes just because she needs a bit of confirmation that she's doing the right thing.

Lots of people hate confrontations and need a bit of reassurance, and theres nothing wrong with needing to hear that it doesn't make you a bitch to get out of a situation you don't want to be in.

girlonfire

I completely understand your predicament. Having been there myself and trying to be nice and tiptoe around the individual in my situation, the weirdness escalated and became very creepy in the end tbh.
Being nice is overrated in situations like this, a lesson I have learned the hard way OP. Her behaviour sounds a bit off-kilter, but don't fall into the trap of feeling sorry for her.
You, nor anyone needs that kind of rubbish/drama in one's life.
I would cut her out OP, sooner rather than later. You seem like a genuinely nice person so don't be hard on yourself. You're doing the right thing. Best of luck:)

December2012

What's wrong with telling her next time she texts or phones that you are sick and tired of being stood up and that you think its better if you don't stay friends?

Your friendship is not genuine - she is not reliable and you are not honest. She brings presents (probably to mask her own insecurities) and you don't have any conversation flow. Why do you care what she thinks of you, if you want the "friendship" to finish you won't see her again? or are you concerned about what she might say to mutual friends and how you will look to them? Why have you stayed "friends" with her this long?

Obviously you know that is not the way a friendship is meant to be, or else you wouldn't have posted.

To answer your question - Am I being a b*tch? No you are not, but you would also not be a b*tch if you honestly told this girl you had no interest in being her friend any more, and it might actually be the first honest conversation the two of you have.

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December2012 wrote: »

What's wrong with telling her next time she texts or phones that you are sick and tired of being stood up and that you think its better if you don't stay friends?

Your friendship is not genuine - she is not reliable and you are not honest. She brings presents (probably to mask her own insecurities) and you don't have any conversation flow. Why do you care what she thinks of you, if you want the "friendship" to finish you won't see her again? or are you concerned about what she might say to mutual friends and how you will look to them? Why have you stayed "friends" with her this long?

Obviously you know that is not the way a friendship is meant to be, or else you wouldn't have posted.

To answer your question - Am I being a b*tch? No you are not, but you would also not be a b*tch if you honestly told this girl you had no interest in being her friend any more, and it might actually be the first honest conversation the two of you have.

Dec2012 we don't have any mutual friends and I haven't stayed "friends" with her. As i said in previous posts, I NEVER initiate contact ever! I never answer her texts with questions so as not to encourage another reply and I have ignored many texts over the last while but they still keep coming! So I can't see how I am encouraging or feeding this "friendship"?
Literally if I say I can't meet on say Tuesday for coffee, she'll then suggest Wednesday, Thursday, Fri and so on. It's a bit relentless and then 90% if the time she will pull out on the proposed meeting day!...and generally close to the time.
I just think it's really not a nice thing to do..to say to someone you don't want to be their friend. I wouldn't like it done to me-it's really hurtful IMO.
It's not that I care what she thinks of me, well maybe I do a bit as I don't think I am a horrible person and I have always been nice to people insofar as possible. I'd rather if this acquaintanceship just fizzled out the way some natural friendships can but unfortunately this girl doesn't seem to want to let go. I know if I were her I wouldn't want to pursue a "friendship" that is so one-sided and maybe because she is doing so, she is (a) lonely, (b) not socially great in these contexts (c) lacking self confidence...I don't know. But if that is the case then I don't want to be someone who has been a total cow to her by telling her to her face to get out of my life.

newport2

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

I just think it's really not a nice thing to do..to say to someone you don't want to be their friend. I wouldn't like it done to me-it's really hurtful IMO.
It's not that I care what she thinks of me, well maybe I do a bit as I don't think I am a horrible person and I have always been nice to people insofar as possible.

Which would you prefer, someone to be honest with you and say your friendship just isn't working out, or for them to consistantly make excuses over the space of weeks/months until you finally come to the conclusion that they don't like you and don't want to be your friend? I think most people - myself definitely - would prefer the former. Either way, this person is going to find out the same unpleasant thing, quickly or drawn out over a long period of time. Just be honest.

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newport2 wrote: »

Which would you prefer, someone to be honest with you and say your friendship just isn't working out, or for them to consistantly make excuses over the space of weeks/months until you finally come to the conclusion that they don't like you and don't want to be your friend? I think most people - myself definitely - would prefer the former. Either way, this person is going to find out the same unpleasant thing, quickly or drawn out over a long period of time. Just be honest.

Personally I would prefer the latter!
I think saying it to someone's face is really a not nice thing to do. The other option IMO might lead to the conclusion that the "friendship" just fizzled.

December2012

You are being friends with her - you are agreeing to meet her and you are carrying on the charade of liking her. Even if she is initiating the contact, you are going along with it.

Would you break up with a boyfriend if it wasn't working? Why is this different?

sherbett32

delete her texts without reading them. That way you're not getting drawn into how to answer/no questions/fobbing off.

newport2

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

Personally I would prefer the latter!
I think saying it to someone's face is really a not nice thing to do. The other option IMO might lead to the conclusion that the "friendship" just fizzled.

OK, well your choice. I don't think pretending to be someones friend when you don't want to be and drawing something like this out is a nice thing to do either.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to hang out with someone, particularly when they treat you like she has. That's life, we're not meant to be friends with everyone. TBH, it sounds like you won't be upfront because of how you will feel afterwards.

Stench Blossoms

Oh OP I sympathize with you so much.

I had someone in my life like this awhile back.

It took about a month but I started off just saying 'Busy' when she suggested something and then I just stopped replying.

I felt like an absolute b!tch for doing it but we had nothing in common and there was tumbleweeds flowing when we ever had a conversation.

We weren't ever going to bump into each other and had no common friends.

I felt really bad until she started to em, stalk me on facebook by making up profiles(guys) and tried adding me as a friend - she had a very distinct writing style so I knew it was her straight away.

Now I think it was the best thing I ever did and sorry I didn't do it sooner.

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December2012 wrote: »

Even if she is initiating the contact, you are going along with it.

Eh I'm not...already said in numerous posts how I've been ignoring her texts!

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newport2 wrote: »

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

Personally I would prefer the latter!
I think saying it to someone's face is really a not nice thing to do. The other option IMO might lead to the conclusion that the "friendship" just fizzled.

TBH, it sounds like you won't be upfront because of how you will feel afterwards.

Untrue. I don't feel good ignoring her either and don't feel good being her "friend" and don't feel good about telling her I don't want to hear from her either! It's not a nice situation to be in and there are no winners!

2rkehij30qtza5

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

Oh OP I sympathize with you so much.

I had someone in my life like this awhile back.

It took about a month but I started off just saying 'Busy' when she suggested something and then I just stopped replying.

I felt like an absolute b!tch for doing it but we had nothing in common and there was tumbleweeds flowing when we ever had a conversation.

We weren't ever going to bump into each other and had no common friends.

I felt really bad until she started to em, stalk me on facebook by making up profiles(guys) and tried adding me as a friend - she had a very distinct writing style so I knew it was her straight away.

Now I think it was the best thing I ever did and sorry I didn't do it sooner.

Sounds like my 'friend'. I often get random texts from her which start with someone else's name like "hi Sarah, I left my coat at ur house....etc" and my name is not Sarah or whoever. I'll also get random texts saying things like "please collect kids from school for me. Write back to let me know u got this" and it wouldn't be for me but I feel like it's another way of trying to initiate contact with me...it happens too often!!! And she expects a text back (has happened in the past) saying "wrong number" and next thing she'll be starting a text-conversation....so now i am just having to ignore.
I think it's hard for people to understand how horrible this situation is unless they have had the experience of it themselves.

girlonfire

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

I think it's hard for people to understand how horrible this situation is unless they have had the experience of it themselves.

Agreed. It's a horrible situation alright.
I've been subjected to texts like that too. Any way they can draw you in at all. It's quite disturbing really. It sounds like the easiest way to go about it with minimum damage is to phase her out. Do not make yourself available to her. Have you considered changing your number? Or perhaps blocking her number from your phone? If you happen to bump into her and she confronts you about it, you could fob her off by saying your phone has been playing up.

If I had to go through the situation I'm in again, I'd have gone into witness protection long ago:rolleyes:
Seriously though, the sooner you distance yourself, the better.

edellc

Op having read this thread I think you have already made your decision as to what you want to do but just wanted to see what people think

I think at the beginning you did bring a lot of this on yourself by answering texts and agreeing to meet but as time went by and you realised you have nothing in common and that this was never going to be a friendship you didnt know how to stop it, and this person seems persistent and maybe has no other friends

In saying that you have done what you feel is right by not answering her texts for some time now and not answering phone calls, if you dont want to be up front with her by saying that you really dont want a friendship with her which is understandable as you dont want to hurt her then you are doing the right thing and not being a bitch.

However to save yourself more stress from getting texts and phone calls can you not block her number from your phone or better still if she does ring and you are around someone else get them to answer and say that this is their number and they never heard of you, I did that once to someone who just didnt stop so got my BF to answer the phone every time and say it was his number who the hell was I that this person was looking for and to stop bothering him, they did stop and I never heard from them again.

We all know what right decisions are for us and you know what the right course of action is for you so go with it, stop stressing and live your life as it is too short for stressing about someone who means nothing to you

Peace and love OP x

LegacyUser

OP, you're not being a b*tch but this girl is not going to get the message. Regardless of whether you've been 'encouraging' her or not - it's impossible to know - what you have been doing so far is not going to rid of her.

If it was going to work, it would have worked by now, so you need to do something new.

I think you have to spell it out, but you can do it in a less-than-horrible way. Maybe say something like 'Last time we arranged to meet you were very late so I ended up losing most of my Saturday, so I'll have to pass.' Let her see the link between her behaviour and your desire to spend time with her, it'll do her no harm. . .

Then I'd suggest avoiding her texts. Forever

There is a great line from Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear - I don't have it to hand, but basically he says that if someone calls you twenty times and then you flip and call them back and yell at them (or in this case, grudgingly accept a lunch invitation), then you have taught them that price of getting your attention is 20 phone calls. I think that's what you've been doing - you might be ignoring her texts 19 times out of 20, but every time you make new plans with her, you're perpetuating contact (not trying to blame you, by the way - she's not being very nice and your responses all sound very natural!) and that is the bit she'll cling on to, not the 19 times you didn't answer.

Hope it works out OP, but it sounds like you need this person out of your life.

djimi

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

Personally I would prefer the latter!
I think saying it to someone's face is really a not nice thing to do. The other option IMO might lead to the conclusion that the "friendship" just fizzled.

I think being up front with her is the lesser of two evils here. You dont want to be here friend, shes not taking the hint; for her sake and for your own you may as well be honest with her now rather than letting her go on thinking that she is your friend. Its not an easy thing to have to say to someone but honestly I would see it as the best approach in the long run.

Neyite

I think that you need to be direct the next time you get railroaded into meeting up. You can say no without being a bitch - by being civil yet firm about how you feel.

If you end up getting stuck with meeting her again, let her cancel, then send her a final text, telling her that she has stood you up for the last time, that you dont think she is much of a friend when she does this continually and you will not be making time for her anymore. If she apologises, accept it but stay firm, and just say you appreciate her apology but you meant what you say and wish her all the best.

December2012

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

Eh I'm not...already said in numerous posts how I've been ignoring her texts!

If you are ignoring her texts then why does she come and meet you? Presumably you eventually cave in and agree to meet her.

flyswatter

The girl in the OP's post seems to be a bit of a nutjob to put it bluntly.

I'd just try my best to cut as much ties with her as possible.

confuseddotcom

Ignoring her or just saying busy seems atrociously horrible the greater of the 2 evils than telling her i.m.o. Maybe say busy for the foreseeable future which would give the idea that you're not interested, where-as saying busy just on its' own a few times doesn't mean the same thing and mightn't be viewed as not being interested in meeting up again. If yer decisive enough that you don't want her be decisive enough to tell her! Don't even text her again or meet her again or even talk to her as that's only making/keeping contact and all that's doing is being mis-leading. Fobbing her off so you don't feel bad? For a couple of years?!? Bit of a waste of time for all parties? She at the very least deserves to not be mis-led. You could leave her a voicemail maybe as it has a slight personal touch to it. Sure there's nothing at all wrong with having to tell her things fizzled out, it's nothing to feel bad about, it's par for the course. Yer trying to be nice about it yer trying to be personal about it so don't feel bad, and anyways life's a biatch not you!


(Feic I must remember not to ever ask O.P. 2 go for a coffee!!! :eek: ) Thankfully don't like tea/coffee anyway lol! I could have asked ya to come to the Cinema with me though!!! Oopsies apologies if I have sorry!! See at least I know now not to ask ya lol so that's a good thing that has come out of yer post hehe! I won't be annoying ya asking to go cinema with me!! for me lol but better knowing it though!! )

Acoshla

confuseddotcom wrote: »

Ignoring her or just saying busy seems atrociously horrible the greater of the 2 evils than telling her i.m.o. ...she at least deserves to not be mis-led. You could leave her a voicemail maybe as it has a slight personal touch to it.

(Feic I must remember not to ever ask O.P. 2 go for a coffee!!!... See at least I know now not to ask ya lol so that's a good thing that has come out of yer post hehe! I won't be annoying ya asking to go cinema with me!! for me lol but better knowing it though!! )

It's not atrociously horrible, it's a pretty normal way of giving someone a hint, most people would cop that nothing will come off it and leave the person they insist on contacting alone. Leaving a voicemail or contacting her at all will only draw her on the OP, the last thing she wants/needs. And I don't think she's being mis-led, she's being avoided, the only thing you can do with someone like that.

And that's a ridiculous statement that the OP shouldn't be asked to go for coffee by other people because of this, she isn't the problem in this, it's the pushy girl who can't see when she's not wanted.

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confuseddotcom wrote: »

Ignoring her or just saying busy seems atrociously horrible the greater of the 2 evils than telling her i.m.o. Maybe say busy for the foreseeable future which would give the idea that you're not interested, where-as saying busy just on its' own a few times doesn't mean the same thing and mightn't be viewed as not being interested in meeting up again. If yer decisive enough that you don't want her be decisive enough to tell her! Don't even text her again or meet her again or even talk to her as that's only making/keeping contact and all that's doing is being mis-leading. Fobbing her off so you don't feel bad? For a couple of years?!? Bit of a waste of time for all parties? She at the very least deserves to not be mis-led. You could leave her a voicemail maybe as it has a slight personal touch to it. Sure there's nothing at all wrong with having to tell her things fizzled out, it's nothing to feel bad about, it's par for the course. Yer trying to be nice about it yer trying to be personal about it so don't feel bad, and anyways life's a biatch not you!


(Feic I must remember not to ever ask O.P. 2 go for a coffee!!! :eek: ) Thankfully don't like tea/coffee anyway lol! I could have asked ya to come to the Cinema with me though!!! Oopsies apologies if I have sorry!! See at least I know now not to ask ya lol so that's a good thing that has come out of yer post hehe! I won't be annoying ya asking to go cinema with me!! for me lol but better knowing it though!! )

WTF?!

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Acoshla wrote: »

It's not atrociously horrible, it's a pretty normal way of giving someone a hint, most people would cop that nothing will come off it and leave the person they insist on contacting alone. Leaving a voicemail or contacting her at all will only draw her on the OP, the last thing she wants/needs. And I don't think she's being mis-led, she's being avoided, the only thing you can do with someone like that.

And that's a ridiculous statement that the OP shouldn't be asked to go for coffee by other people because of this, she isn't the problem in this, it's the pushy girl who can't see when she's not wanted.

Agreed Acoshla.

I've plenty of real friends who I regularly meet for coffee/cinema/nights out etc.!
It's just this one particular girl who is overly persistent and a bit of an oddball, as explained in the OP!

We have no friends in common and nothing in common! She constantly tries to contact me and for a while (until I realised the extent of the strangeness) I used to reply back etc. but have basically cut all contact from my side for a very long time. Still doesn't stop her trying to contact me through all manners of means.

In no way would I leave a voicemail on the girl's phone. Avoiding is the only way to deal with people like this!

Stench Blossoms

confuseddotcom wrote: »

(Feic I must remember not to ever ask O.P. 2 go for a coffee!!! :eek: ) Thankfully don't like tea/coffee anyway lol! I could have asked ya to come to the Cinema with me though!!! Oopsies apologies if I have sorry!! See at least I know now not to ask ya lol so that's a good thing that has come out of yer post hehe! I won't be annoying ya asking to go cinema with me!! for me lol but better knowing it though!! )

I'm hugely confused.

Do you know the OP? Why would you ask her to go to the cinema with you?

Beruthiel

confuseddotcom wrote: »

(Feic I must remember not to ever ask O.P. 2 go for a coffee!!! :eek: ) Thankfully don't like tea/coffee anyway lol! I could have asked ya to come to the Cinema with me though!!! Oopsies apologies if I have sorry!! See at least I know now not to ask ya lol so that's a good thing that has come out of yer post hehe! I won't be annoying ya asking to go cinema with me!! for me lol but better knowing it though!! )

Are you implying that this thread is about you?

If so, please have the good grace and manners to not bring it up here or I'll ban you.

Back on topic people.

ppink

Simeon Polite Stove wrote: »

Sounds like my 'friend'. I often get random texts from her which start with someone else's name like "hi Sarah, I left my coat at ur house....etc" and my name is not Sarah or whoever. I'll also get random texts saying things like "please collect kids from school for me. Write back to let me know u got this" and it wouldn't be for me but I feel like it's another way of trying to initiate contact with me...it happens too often!!! And she expects a text back (has happened in the past) saying "wrong number" and next thing she'll be starting a text-conversation....so now i am just having to ignore.
I think it's hard for people to understand how horrible this situation is unless they have had the experience of it themselves.

I once worked with a girl who used to do things like this. It was really odd but she used to do it to the men in work, too often like your friend!

she once told me she had done a lot of study on the 'how to win friends and influence people' area and I believed at the time she was doing this on purpose to make herself seem popular or something or maybe to keep herself in the minds of the men? anyway she also found out all of their wives birthdays and anniverseries and used to remind the guys all the time of any upcoming events in their lives, it all seemed very odd to me! but they all liked it. between that and all the little gifts etc it was highly entertaining to watch!

If I were you I would not have any confrontation but I would just txt back too busy will call you when I am free...... it may take a while but she will eventually get the message. I would not respond at all to her 'wrong' texts either.

Oryx

OP, if this person was a guy you had been seeing for a while, how would you deal with it? I presume you wouldn't continue to agree to meet a man if you didnt want to, and you would find a way to politely tell him so, or you would ignore calls if he was overly persistent.

I dont see that there is all that much difference with your female 'friend'. You can either be straight with her, even though you hate to do it('you cancel too often, and have stood me up, I dont like that and dont want to meet you anymore'), or you can simply ignore her altogether. (which would probably be how I would handle it, tbh)