Relationship coming to an end

LegacyUser

So have been with my bf for over 4 years and i think it has ran its course.

Theres no reason really, he is a lovely sweet man and we really get on, hardly ever fight but for a long while now I have lost my attraction to him, we might have sex 3 times a month, I have daydreams about being single again and living just for me. Dunno what to do and feel really worried because I don't want to hurt him by telling him this because he has no idea how I feel. But on the other time I feel like I am being horrible by not saying anything because im getting very snappy with him lately.

Don't know if it would be a big mistake either, im getting on in years and would like to start a family at some point, and don't know if im just bored with life in general or is it just him (or me really).

Have never been in so long a relationship and am a bit lost to be honest. Could this just be a lull and feelings could change? I don't know how to even bring the subject up and try talk to him about it without hurting him (hes VERY sensitive). I have never been in this situation before (breakups usually had a reason) and any advice would be great.

newuser30

You say you are 'getting on in years', how old are you? Has it got to do with maybe there is a lack of progression in your relationship, are things coasting/static? As we get older we don't have the same tolerance for what we did in our twenties. We know what we want and if there is no signs of him moving things along/ wanting the same things it can be frustrating/boring.
A lack of progression can cause a serious feeling of boredom. Have a frank discussion with him, tell him you are not sure about your feelings, you want a family but are not sure if it feels right with him. Dont feel guilty about being honest with him. You say he is very sensitive but he also an adult who should be able to discuss the relationship.

Piliger

Hi OP - the important thing to remember here is that this is about you and not him. He is sensitive and that is a good thing. But no one wants someone to stay with us if they don't want to.

You say "for a long while now I have lost my attraction to him"

Does that mean your general attraction or sexual attraction ? Do you love him ? And how long is a while ?

SunnyDub1

Op I could have written that exact post myself back a couple of months ago.
Exact same situation and time frame as myself. Lovely kind guy and together 4 years.

If you are having them taughts it sounds like you are falling out of love and the spark is gone.

You don't need a reason to finish it,people do fall out of love and your realizing that you no longer love him.
It's gonna be hard on him but he will just have to except it, you can't be with someone and love them out of guilt.
When I was in the same situation as you I looked back to how it was at the start and how much it had changed.
We weren't spending as much time together, saying nice things to each other and rarely had sex. Infact we could barley hold a conversation together - two completely different people. And it was NEVER going to progress to anything more.

Like yourself I wondered am I just been spoilt , am I being to hard on him, am I asking for to much. Truth of it was I genuinely wasn't all that happy and was only with him for the sake of having someone.

It's going to be hard for him and it's also gonna be hard for you, but he will appreciate your honesty in the future.
put it this way - go one living a lie with an unhappy life, wonder what if....
or finish it now move on, see whats out there.

There is a slight chance you might regret it in months, weeks, years down the line but we all have to live with some regrets. What's meant to be will be.

From my experience your going to be such a happier person without him I know that seems awful but it's the truth.
While it was hard on both of us to end our relationship we both expected and realized there was nothing there anymore and I can now say it was probably one of the best choices I ever made.
I'm happy being single and glad to have me time and start looking after myself spending more time in the gym, more time with family and Friends

Best of luck

Mc Kenzie

Hey,

sorry to this is upsetting. But what comes to my mind afer reading your post is that you should really let him know how your feeling.


Its understandable that your afraid of hurting him,..but in all honesty ...he will be more hurt if it ends suddenly out of the blue and he has no idea ...and he may be left trying to figure out what went wrong or what he did..iv been in these situations.

be honest.its hard i know, but things are better out in the open.ease it on to him let him know how your feeling see what he feels,,,also give him time to understand ....maybe you can figure it out maybe not

I say talk to him. Hope you work things out

take care

Smithey88

Op, Be honest with your boyfriend.
Sure, always that possibility it could create a sh*tstorm. But best to get things out in the open and go from there.


Because you say he is a nice bloke. So you could think and think about ending things then lumber your choice on him one day. Not really fair to him. Or you could stray from him and end up sleeping with someone else. Being honest is the nice thing to do.

My two cents anyways.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks everyone for the posts and advice.

Smithey88 - I do plan on telling him and I don't want it to come out of the blue, the last thing i want to do is hurt him especially when he didn't do anything wrong.

I just dont know how to bring it up, we had the day off together the other day and it was really strange between us. Bearly spoke to eachother - he just kept saying I was acting strange and I know its not fair on him what im doing but i just don't know how to go about saying it. When I do talk to him both of our lives are gonna change bigtime and I am frightened of that also. Know thats not fair but im being honest

SunnyDub1

OP Again wrote: »

OP here, thanks everyone for the posts and advice.

Smithey88 - I do plan on telling him and I don't want it to come out of the blue, the last thing i want to do is hurt him especially when he didn't do anything wrong.

I just don't know how to bring it up, we had the day off together the other day and it was really strange between us. Bearly spoke to eachother - he just kept saying I was acting strange and I know its not fair on him what im doing but i just don't know how to go about saying it. When I do talk to him both of our lives are gonna change bigtime and I am frightened of that also. Know thats not fair but im being honest

Hi Op,

Unfortunately in situations like this, there is no right time to do it.
Your just going to have to be up front and honest about it.
It's going to be hard but you will realize that is the right thing to do for both of you. Don't feel guilty either, these things happen.

as I said before I was in the same position as you not so long ago, yes your life is going to change but for the better. it's not an easy process but it was one of the most sensible and right choices I made and I don't regret any of it. Don't be frighten just make the most of it, have plenty of family and Friends around and keep yourself busy

Good luck

Piliger

Hi OP. The above advice is right. There is no good time.

You sound like a very compassionate person and he must know that things are not great between you.

You need to prepare yourself and sit down and tell him in as gentle and loving a way as you can, and let the dice fall how they fall. He may be relieved. He may be devastated. You cannot be responsible for this. Remember you are liberating him from a disaster waiting to happen and he now has time to start again.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

The first principle in relationships should be "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". How would like you to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot? The second observation is that the end of a relationship needs to be fitting to its life. After a couple of dates you can just say we'll leave it at that, no explanation needed. After 4 years it needs to be a bit more. A relationship should have a phase when it is under review, before it stops. You need to be able to say that things were done properly. A third observation is that when you think about breaking a relationship you are still in a relationship. At that point it is not all about you, it is a joint endeavour. You know how you feel, but you are not sharing those feelings. You need to be absolutely clear what you are saying, a lack of spark is not the same as having nothing to say to each other.

nkay1985

It sounds like he knows something is up. It's very clear from your posts that this relationship is over for you, you just can't bring yourself to actually end it. I think you owe it to the guy to just say "we need to talk" or whatever and go from there. You could wait until he says you're acting strange or asks you what's up but I think it's more fair on him for you to bring it up.

It's going to be very tough but once you have that conversation, it's over and done with. You'll both know where you stand and be able to move on from there.