Taken women

Dave0301

Was out last night and got talking to a great girl. Now she made it clear early that she had a boyfriend. No big deal. Ended up talking to her the whole night, really nice girl, gorgeous and fun to talk to.

Walked her all the way home too, nothing inappropriate went on. Few hugs at most. If she was single, i would have got her number (hopefully!). But my point is if you liked someone enough no matter their relationship status, would you chase them? Or should you just leave well enough alone?

grames_bond

Leave well enough alone! best/worst case senario she gets with someone else (you or some other guy) who isn't her bf......you think that's good but it aslo shows she is the type of girl willing to cheat in a relationship! and that's not the type of person you want ot be with in the finish up!

Pembily

Dave0301 wrote: »

Was out last night and got talking to a great girl. Now she made it clear early that she had a boyfriend. No big deal. Ended up talking to her the whole night, really nice girl, gorgeous and fun to talk to.

Walked her all the way home too, nothing inappropriate went on. Few hugs at most. If she was single, i would have got her number (hopefully!). But my point is if you liked someone enough no matter their relationship status, would you chase them? Or should you just leave well enough alone?

Leave well enough alone!!! I fancied a guy, then I found out he has a gf / wife and the second I found that out I stopped thinking about him. Plain and simple! Chasing them will lead to heartache for all.

Some people say the heart wants what the heart wants but if you tell the heart from the get go that it can't have that then it will stop wanting it. It's not rocket science.

Dravokivich

Wouldn't be one for chasing down someone that is taken. To me it shows a lack of respect more so than "being keen."

Dave0301

Oh don't worry i won't be going running anywhere after her! Just got me thinking about the whole thing and maybe it's not the best word to use but ethics of the situation.

I don't think I'd judge the girl or a future relationship on the fact she got with someone else when in a relationship tho. Surely plenty of relationships have started this way?

stephen_k

OP I met a girl after work for a drink on a Wednesday night, we really clicked had a great night, dropped her home, bit of a hug nothing else, I was the perfect gentleman... We had arranged to meet with other work collegues on Friday night, however on Thursday afternoon she called me saying she would really like to meet again, so met her again, another great night, where after closing time, I suggested we continue back at mine or her place, she responded by saying I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that...

She had never before mentioned the boyfriend, at that point I said that I had a great time, it was a shame that she was attached but I would not be seeing her again... She was a bit shocked that I didn't want to be "friends" but as I said to her, I had enough friends and I was interested in her, in a romantic relationship capacity, I felt it was best to be honest and upfront about my intensions...

We had agreed to meet as part of a group on the Friday night, and that night we got on great again, we ended up together, after that night she admitted that things were not going well in her relationship, however she was cautious of "jumping ship" so to speak... It took a few weeks to iron out the relationship and for her to end the relationship she was in which I'll admit was not pleasant for all concerned... We are together 8 years and have a little 2 year old boy, and have never been happier, you only get one shot at this life and if the opportunity comes your way for happiness I say grab it and hold on tight...

Elessar

stephen_k wrote: »

OP I met a girl after work for a drink on a Wednesday night, we really clicked had a great night, dropped her home, bit of a hug nothing else was the perfect gentleman... We had arranged to meet with other work colleuges on Friday night, however on Thursday afternoon she called me saying she would really like to meet again, so met her again, another great night, where after closing time, I suggested we continue back at mine of her, place, she responded by saying I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that...

She had never before mentioned the boyfriend, at that point I said that I had a great time, it was a shame that she was attached but I would not be seeing her again... She was a bit shocked that I didn't want to be "friends" but as I said to her, I had enough friends and I was interested in her, in a romantic relationship capacity, I felt it was best to be honest and upfront about my intensions...

We had agreed to meet as part of a group on the Friday night, and that night we got on great again, we ended up together, after that night she admitted that things were not going well in her relationship, however she was cautious of "jumping ship" so to speak... It took a few weeks to iron out the relationship and for her to end the relationship she was in which I'll admit was not pleasant for all concerned... We are together 8 years and have a little 2 year old boy, and have never been happier, you only get one shot at this life and if the opportunity comes your way for happiness I say grab it and hold on tight...

Excellent post.

OP I am finding myself in this very situation time and again over the last while. Almost every girl I'm really attracted to (believe me I am very picky) has a boyfriend. It gotten ridiculous. Part of me says leave them alone but a bigger part of me says don't. As Stephen says you only get one life and if you find someone you really like you should go for it, let your intentions/feelings be known, whether she has a boyfriend or not.

If she does and she is happy with him then he has nothing to fear, but if she isn't then you have a chance.

I've gotten sick and tired of being in the same situation over and over. I used to just forget it and try and move on but it is really getting to me, I deserve more (sounds a bit selfish, but that's what it is). Of course I'm still open to single girls (even have a possible date next week) but every one of the last few who I've really had a thing for was taken. I'm not gonna let it lie anymore. As Stephen pointed out, it can work out.

There's a girl in work who started a few months back who I'm crazy about. The two of us are very similar and we get on like a house on fire. She is literally everything I want in a girl. Even other workmates have pointed out that we would make a great couple. But, of course, she has a boyfriend. I'm not going to "pursue" her per se, but I'm definitely going to continue to let it be known that I like her (I'll say it to her too) and try to be around her on nights out more, without it being weird. At least, from the last night out we had, she hardly left my side, she was touching me/holding me etc. and we had some craic. It's pretty clear that she has some attraction to me, others have said it too.

Of course, I'm not gonna get obsessive about it but I'm not gonna drop it either. It might work out, it might not. But it definitely won't if you don't make it clear. I firmly believe that people who say to leave it alone are deep down just insecure about their own relationships.

All's fair in love and war, as they say.

That_Guy

stephen_k wrote: »

we ended up together, after that night she admitted that things were not going well in her relationship

Your story is a nice one and all mate but this part is the bit that doesn't sit easy with me. I guess it's because I was cheated on and I'm kinda going on experience.

I know it's in the past and you're together 8 years now and congratulations but if there are problems in a relationship, sleeping with somebody else will only make things worse and does more damage instead of fixing anything.

If there are problems then do the decent thing and try and resolve it or walk away.

stephen_k

That_Guy wrote: »

If there are problems then do the decent thing and try and resolve it or walk away.

Couldn't agree more... In an ideal world...

However we don't live in an ideal world, opportunities crop up in the most inconvenient ways and times... Timing is everything... My other half admitted that she was going to leave her ex eventually, it's just, I showed up first, timing sucked for their relationship... The way I saw it, I wasn't the cause of them splitting up, if it was working and he was paying her attention then she wouldn't have been out with me...

I would have much preferred to have met my OH when she was single, and nobody was going to be hurt, but circumstances dictated that wasn't to be...

PerrDub

The fact that this girl seems to be pursing you says a lot about the state of the other woman's relationship, and the fact she see's something in a new man that is painfully lacking with her current partner.
Which brings me to my point... You like the girl, she likes you, she has to consider her current partners feelings, you do not! How many new relationships have sprung out of Dead relationships... Quite a lot I would say!

cutty9

i kissed my brother's girlfriend at a party.

she was totally looking for it.

PerrDub

Don't know if your being a smart a$$ with that post or not, but there are some lines you do not cross, i.e. family...

cutty9

PerrDub wrote: »

Don't know if your being a smart a$$ with that post or not, but there are some lines you do not cross, i.e. family...

he never found out. but i completely crossed the line and shouldnt have. however she was smokin hot that night i remember

That_Guy

cutty9 wrote: »

he never found out. but i completely crossed the line and shouldnt have. however she was smokin hot that night i remember

Regardless of how she was looking that night, there are boundaries and you do not cross it especially when it comes to mates and especially family.

RDM_83 again

I always thought it was girls that were more into this sort of behavior, this study showed how woman thought photographs of attached men were more appealing than the same men if unattached.

http://tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/13/do-single-women-seek-attached-men/

[/URL]
http://www.synergy-pr.com/files/JESP72009(1).pdf

BraziliaNZ

I'm of the belief that all is fair in Love and War. May the best man win, etc. If you meet a bird and click instantly and it feels right, if she has a boyfriend well then it's up to her whether to get with you or not. If you are attached and your girl goes with someone else, well then she's not that into you, so I don't think there should be any rules really!

Galvasean

stephen_k wrote: »

we got on great again, we ended up together, after that night she admitted that things were not going well in her relationship, however she was cautious of "jumping ship" so to speak... It took a few weeks to iron out the relationship

I was in a similar position once before, albeit with a very different outcome. There was once this girl that I was crazy about and there was a mutual attraction going on but I didn't want to do anything upon finding out she had a boyfriend (having been cheated on before myself - not an experience I feel comfortable about inflicting upon anyone). She fed me the whole 'dead relationship', "We're winding things down" spiel. I (naively) went for it and we hooked up. That was many moons ago and I'm pretty sure they are still together to this day. It seems she was just looking for something on the side and quite willing to lie for it (to be expected I suppose). I feel quite foolish (not to mention an asshole) having fallen for it and can't help but wonder how many people she's used that spiel on before and since...
Long story short, I avoid attached women like the plague now. If I'm ever in such a situation again I will wait until they are officially finished with there other half. Once bitten, twice shy n' all that.

Dave0301

stephen_k wrote: »

We are together 8 years and have a little 2 year old boy, and have never been happier, you only get one shot at this life and if the opportunity comes your way for happiness I say grab it and hold on tight...

Great post, nice to see that it all worked out for you.

krudler

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I'm of the belief that all is fair in Love and War. May the best man win, etc. If you meet a bird and click instantly and it feels right, if she has a boyfriend well then it's up to her whether to get with you or not. If you are attached and your girl goes with someone else, well then she's not that into you, so I don't think there should be any rules really!

so basically anyone can cheat and oh well, thats just life?

Mickey Dazzler

Unless I know her other half then it is fair game. Absolutely no questions asked.

Raekwon

Something similar happened with an ex of mine years ago.

We meet in a bar and instantly clicked and ended up kissing pretty much the whole night. I invited her back to mine but she declined but she said that she really wanted to meet me again. So we meet a few times and ended up sleeping together. I did notice the high volume of texts that she was getting everytime we were out but never really thought anything of it at the time.

After about few weeks of meeting up I suggested we go away for the weekend. She seemed abit shocked and then dropped the bombshell that she had a bf. I was devastated but she told me that it was as good as over and she was falling for me etc. Long story short she ended up with me and we moved in together shortly afterwards.

In the end through history started to repeat itself and she started to cheat on me with some other dude. I was suspicious as she was having alot of 'nights out with the girls' so one night I answered her phone when she was in the shower and the person hung up. I though it was odd so I checked her messages and boom, there they were, loads of messages from some other guy.

In my experience, once a cheater always a cheater.

stephen_k

Raekwon wrote: »

In my experience, once a cheater always a cheater.

You see this I don't understand... In my view the opportunities to meet someone who is perfect for you are few and far between, to discount any potential partner because of any reason in your past just doesn't make sense to me... Just because your relationship broke down due to "cheating" that does not make a hard and fast rule...

It's like saying I had a disasterous relationship with a blonde girl so I'll never date another blonde girl again...

Everybody is different, everybodies reasons and methods of ending/starting a relationship is different and to sabotage your chances of meeting someone by ruling out people on whether they are in a relationship or have "cheated" in the past is crazy IMHO

If that relationship does end then it is because the relationship has run its natural course... All relationships have to end, bar "the one", if we're lucky, and work at it, and ensure that our partners have no cause to look for whatever is missing in our relationships elsewhere...

G-Money

When I find out a girl has a bf/fiancée/husband, it's almost like they morph into a man in my eyes. I lose any and all interest I had in them to that point. I don't see the point in wasting your time pursuing them.

Princess Peach

It's happened to me a good few times that I have met a guy and we've gotten on great and I feel we could be great friends, and as soon as they find out I'm taken they barely talk to me again.

Happened a lot when I moved to Canada recently, and I've met lots of people and was pretty eager to make friends. It's really tough at the beginning to slip the "I have a boyfriend" into a conversation. I don't want to just randomly blurt it out, cause it might send the message that a guy isn't allowed to talk to me or something. So I wouldn't always bring it up straight away, you wouldn't in a normal conversation with a girl unless it led to that. But I did find that a few of these really nice guys shied away from me when they found out.

I know I'm going on the assumption they all fancied me, but it works for the purpose of this post! If they had chased me they would have gotten nowhere. But it was sad that they couldn't just accept it, take the loss and be my friend? Is there some weird rule where a single guy can't be friends with a taken girl? I'm not saying we should be meeting up one on one, but even on group nights out they are a lot less friendly than they were at first.

Post sounds very conceited, but I am making assumptions here and speaking from experience :pac:

Raekwon

stephen_k wrote: »

It's like saying I had a disasterous relationship with a blonde girl so I'll never date another blonde girl again...

It's not like saying that at all and I have to say that it one of the most ridiculous comparisons that I've ever read.

I do agree that there is no hard and fast rule but the fact of the matter is that a much greater percentage of past cheaters are repeat offenders. In my personal experience their past actions are a great barometer for future behaviors. At a very basic level they have showed quite clearly that have the capability of cheating and there is nothing to say that they won't do it again.

In a nutshell cheating is an extremely selfish act, if you want to openly condone it on this thread then that's your prerogative but don't take the moral high ground and expect everybody to agree with you.

G-Money

Princess Peach wrote: »

But it was sad that they couldn't just accept it, take the loss and be my friend? Is there some weird rule where a single guy can't be friends with a taken girl? I'm not saying we should be meeting up one on one, but even on group nights out they are a lot less friendly than they were at first.

It's pretty simple. If a guy is interested, either in a ONS or a relationship or anything in between and he finds out a girl is attached, he will simply lose interest and move on most of the time. He's not looking to be friends and has no interest in that. It's not that there's anything wrong with the girl (apart from the fact she's not single), it's just he's not looking to be someone's friend.

stephen_k

Raekwon wrote: »

It's not like saying that at all and I have to say that it one of the most ridiculous comparisons that I've ever read.

Flippant comment to highlight what I feel to be an unsound basis of judgeing the suitablility of a potential partner... I apologise if the tone of it offends

Raekwon wrote: »

I do agree that there is no hard and fast rule but the fact of the matter is that a much greater percentage of past cheaters are repeat offenders.

Source?

Raekwon wrote: »

In my personal experience their past actions are a great barometer for future behaviors.

In my experience this is not the case, which was the reason of my OP...

Raekwon wrote: »

At a very basic level they have showed quite clearly that have the capability of cheating and there is nothing to say that they won't do it again.

Everybody on the face of the planet has the capability of cheating, it's your responsibility to work at your relationship to ensure they don't...

Raekwon wrote: »

if you want to openly condone it on this thread then that's your prerogative but don't take the moral high ground and expect everybody to agree with you.

I am not condoning cheating... What I am saying that just because a previous relationship didn't work out and broke down, with one or other partner involved with someone else, this does not make for a good enough reason to, not date, that person in the future... Everybodies different, to rule out the possibility of dating someone who has the potential to be "the one" because he/she has cheated or you have been cheated on in the past is nonsense...

Joey the lips

I am in a relationship(Married) if someone chased me knowing this i could never ever trust them not to respect our relationship.

Simple

jaffacakesyum

It's happened to me a few times but I'm very anti-cheating so I would never go down that road even if it was the love of my life.

I agree that we don't live in an ideal world, people fall for other people while still in relationships. Timing isn't always perfect. I just can't justify cheating though. If the relationship is "at its end" then end it. THEN go after the person you really love. It's that simple in my opinion.

Come across it too often where it was "emotional cheating" or just having a back-up prepared if they do decide to break-up with the boyfriend. Not how I'd want to start anything with someone.

Galvasean

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

If the relationship is "at its end" then end it. THEN go after the person you really love. It's that simple in my opinion.

This.
In my opinion there is no real need to cheat, even if the person you cheat with is the love of your life. If you had any respect for your current partner you simply would not do it.

Varied

Fair play OP.

Best to leave well alone until she finishes it.

I have been cheated on and it isn't nice.

stephen_k

stephen_k wrote: »

Everybody is different, everybodies reasons and methods of ending/starting a relationship is different and to sabotage your chances of meeting someone by ruling out people on whether they are in a relationship or have "cheated" in the past is crazy IMHO

So if you were out with a friend, who you knew had stolen from another friend before, you'd have no problem leaving your wallet with him?

If your father beat you as a child, would you happily let him babysit your kids?

I have to say, a person having cheated once in their past, and telling me about it, wouldn't be a dealbreaker in a potential relationship. I can see how it could have just been a past mistake. But if I liked a guy, and he made it known he was interested in me, and then I found out he had a girlfriend, there's no way I'd ever go near him.

Handsome Bob

The old phrase of "if she's in a good relationship then it won't matter if I make a move" really doesn't sit well with me.

So what if she is, that doesn't mean you have a right to play a part in the demise of that relationship.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you were struggling in a relationship, how would you feel if you knew there was some other bloke trying to worm his way into your gf's knickers and feed on the fact that she has doubts about the relationship?

I try not to judge people, but I know what kind of people I don't want around me and the kind of individual as described above is definitely not one.

sharper

The funny thing is even someone were to cheat, even with me, I wouldn't be attracted to them.

Attraction may well develop while one or both parties are in relationships with other people. The way to go is for them to figure out if they need to work on their existing relationship or whether it's at an end.

G-Money

I wouldn't be interested in being the vessel some girl uses to cheat with. Even if we got together, I'd just be thinking/wondering who would she cheat on me with.

jackofalltrades

jaffacakesyum wrote: »

If the relationship is "at its end" then end it. THEN go after the person you really love. It's that simple in my opinion.

+1

It takes a lot to courage to end a relationship. Suddenly being single again is a massive shock to the system.
To try and mitigate this by easing one person out and introducing another would indicate a serious lack of character to me.

guitarzero

My member below will make these decisions so I dont have to.

LegacyUser

Some one told me that Irish girls are like monkeys....they don't let go of a branch until a better one comes along.

There's still a stigma about being single for girls in Ireland. My experience.

sam34

Peter Piper wrote: »

Some one told me that Irish girls are like monkeys....they don't let go of a branch until a better one comes along.

have a read of the charter and leave out the generalisations please.

miaowsky

My gran had a saying when we were growing up for relationships "how you catch them is how you'll lose them"

Having been cheated on in the past, and boy did that suck, I never knowingly get involved with someone that's attached. If they pretend to be single that's a whole different story, but if I know there's a partner I do not go there.

scholar007

Dave0301 wrote: »

Few hugs at most. If she was single, i would have got her

:D:D

Jason Fly

I think you better forget about it. if it was your girlfriend you wouldn't like her to be chased

DB21

Leave well enough alone. Speaking from a personal point of view, my girlfriend is off to work in Paris for four months. To say I would be pissed off if someone tried it on with her is an understatement. I fully believe in relationships as a boundary when flirting.

Dave0301

Again just wanna make it clear that i won't be doing any chasing! Just thought it was an interesting situation regarding people's opinions.

Dunno how'd I'd feel if i was to win a girl over in this manner but it seems it can certainly work out, like stephen k has said.

Bad Panda

stephen_k wrote: »

OP I met a girl after work for a drink on a Wednesday night, we really clicked had a great night, dropped her home, bit of a hug nothing else, I was the perfect gentleman... We had arranged to meet with other work collegues on Friday night, however on Thursday afternoon she called me saying she would really like to meet again, so met her again, another great night, where after closing time, I suggested we continue back at mine or her place, she responded by saying I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that...

She had never before mentioned the boyfriend, at that point I said that I had a great time, it was a shame that she was attached but I would not be seeing her again... She was a bit shocked that I didn't want to be "friends" but as I said to her, I had enough friends and I was interested in her, in a romantic relationship capacity, I felt it was best to be honest and upfront about my intensions...

We had agreed to meet as part of a group on the Friday night, and that night we got on great again, we ended up together, after that night she admitted that things were not going well in her relationship, however she was cautious of "jumping ship" so to speak... It took a few weeks to iron out the relationship and for her to end the relationship she was in which I'll admit was not pleasant for all concerned... We are together 8 years and have a little 2 year old boy, and have never been happier, you only get one shot at this life and if the opportunity comes your way for happiness I say grab it and hold on tight...

Sorry, but as a whole, this stupid advice. Not every taken girl's relationship is in trouble.

By pursuing absolutely anyone that's taken, no matter their circumstances, you're just causing needless problems for yourself and the other two people in the relationship.

There's plenty of single people out there.

MagicMarker

I don't think I could trust any women who would cheat on their partner with me, or who had cheated on a partner in the past tbh.

C.D.

Quite frankly some of the replies in this thread disgust me. Whatever about becoming friends with a girl/guy you like who is attached and letting it smoulder, pursuing an attached person shows an incredible lack of respect for all parties- yourself, the person in question and their partner.

Justify it by saying "let the best man win/she wasn't happy anyway", but in reality you are actively engaging in activity with the sole purpose of wrecking somebody's else home in pursuit of your own happiness (or to get laid). The reality of it is, the scorned partner is probably going to go through a much harder breakup because they were cheated on/dumped for someone else etc. The fact that people could be so callous about somebody else's feelings and emotions sickens me. I had a close friend who committed suicide because of this very scenario. It has also happened to me several times, but evidently I'm still alive. Make no mistake, the taken girl or guy who plays this game is the most guilty party and I've personally been disgusted by friends of mine who have done it and think very little of them because of it.

Secondly, I would never chase a girl who is attached or not interested because if you do get on well a friendship is the natural progression and well, unrequited love sucks.

stephen_k

Bad Panda wrote: »

Sorry, but as a whole, this stupid advice. Not every taken girl's relationship is in trouble.

By pursuing absolutely anyone that's taken, no matter their circumstances, you're just causing needless problems for yourself and the other two people in the relationship.

There's plenty of single people out there.

First off I was only giving my direct experience of how I met my partner to the OP to offer some encouragement to him that it can and does happen that people meet while in an existing relationship and it can work out...

Secondly I have never stated that if I was single and I met, and got on with someone, and pursued her to be told that she was in a relationship that I would ignore this and continue pursuit... I WOULD NOT! As per my OP I was up front at the outset and said that I would end all contact... At the behest of my (now) partner she dictated the contact and pursued me, if she had not... WE WOULD NOT BE TOGETHER!!!

If the woman or man, who is in a relationship, goes out and socialises with someone who has expressly stated their intentions up front, then that relationship IS IN TROUBLE...

It is up the pursued not the pursuer to cut off contact and let the pursuer know in no uncertain terms that to persist in attempting to win the affections of that person is inappropriate and to cut all contact...

It is also the responsibility of the existing partner to give enough of a shít about their relationship to care about what is lacking in their relationship to warrant their partner seeking someone else out... IMHO

johnr1

stephen_k wrote: »

First off I was only giving my direct experience of how I met my partner to the OP to offer some encouragement to him that it can and does happen that people meet while in an existing relationship and it can work out...

Secondly I have never stated that if I was single and I met, and got on with someone, and pursued her to be told that she was in a relationship that I would ignore this and continue pursuit... I WOULD NOT! As per my OP I was up front at the outset and said that I would end all contact... At the behest of my (now) partner she dictated the contact and pursued me, if she had not... WE WOULD NOT BE TOGETHER!!!

If the woman or man, who is in a relationship, goes out and socialises with someone who has expressly stated their intentions up front, then that relationship IS IN TROUBLE...

It is up the pursued not the pursuer to cut off contact and let the pursuer know in no uncertain terms that to persist in attempting to win the affections of that person is inappropriate and to cut all contact...

It is also the responsibility of the existing partner to give enough of a shít about their relationship to care about what is lacking in their relationship to warrant their partner seeking someone else out... IMHO

Justify it all you want, it's scum behaviour. End of.

That_Guy

stephen_k wrote: »

It is also the responsibility of the existing partner to give enough of a shít about their relationship to care about what is lacking in their relationship to warrant their partner seeking someone else out... IMHO

It's also the responsibility of the other partner to give a shít about wanting to resolve the problems in their relationship by talking it out and trying to make things work or walk away instead of him/her seeking another partner whilst still in that relationship.

It's not justifiable whatsoever tbh.