Am I right to be upset?

LegacyUser

One of my very good friends is getting married in July. Initially I was meant to be on a business trip for the week of her wedding so I let her know I wouldn't be in the country. However, I found out last month that the business trip is cancelled so I was straight on to her to let her know the good news, that I could come to her wedding after all. I had been so devastated at the thought of missing it (the work thing was not at all by choice) so I was thrilled to think I'd be able to go.

Just had an email from her this morning saying that the venue is full and there's no room to invite myself or my husband, but would we like to come to the afters. To be honest I'm really upset about this and not sure how to react. We have been friends since playschool and all throughout our adult lives and I never expected to be told I'm not invited. To be honest I'd be mortified to go to the afters only, as I would be faced with an evening of non-stop questions about why I wasn't at the wedding. I'm so upset but I don't know what to do.

Am I being selfish by getting upset over this? She says there's no room so maybe there really isn't, though I can't see how you couldn't squeeze two more people in somewhere. Do I suck it up and go to the afters or just bow out gracefully??

lazygal

Weddings can be funny things. We didn't have a huge wedding and our venue was flexible enough so we didn't need final numbers until the day before. However, as all our friends are in the wedding zone I'm aware that some venues are very firm on numbers and need confirmation of them in advance, or may be very strict on how many can be accommodated. There can also be wedding politics at play, as in the two families might have said since you can't come, they'll invite that cousin and her husband or include a neighbour.
I personally don't really like afters invites. We did invite people to the afters of our wedding, work colleagues we'd see socially but who wouldn't be good friends and our parents' friends, but we made sure to accommodate all good friends for the full day. It's a judgment call on whether to go, in this situation I probably would attend.
I hate to sound harsh but something else occurred to me. Maybe she doesn't see you as the same level of 'good friend' as you do? I;ve noticed this myself over the years. Sometimes people I thought we good friends were actually good acquaintances and wouldn't see me in the same terms as I saw them. I invited one such 'good friend' to my wedding and she declined, no reason just a decline in an RSVP card. It hurt me a bit but what can you do.

leeroybrown

You were the one who let her know that you were unable to attend and now you're the one with your nose out of joint because she can't accommodate your change of mind. I think you're being selfish.

John Mason

I got married a few weeks ago and i afraid i would have given you the same answer as your friend.

we didnt have a huge wedding, we had a main list and a back up list, we had one couple drop out and they were replaced within the hour.

if they had changed their mind, there would have been no room for them, unless we decided to add in one extra table and they would have been sitting by themselves plus and they wouldnt have had a seat for the service.

we had about a 100 extra turn up for the afters.

unfortunately, that is the nature of weddings, you said you were not going so your place was given away.

NotInvited

NotInvited wrote: »

Am I being selfish by getting upset over this? She says there's no room so maybe there really isn't, though I can't see how you couldn't squeeze two more people in somewhere. Do I suck it up and go to the afters or just bow out gracefully??

It's a wedding, not an informal dinner party. People plan these things well in advance and numbers are added up. You said you weren't going and your place is gone, that's the end of it. Don't ignore the afters but don't be sulky if you do go

and if people ask why you weren't at the wedding explain it was a last minute thing that you could come

ManOfMystery

Some of the replies above seem to indicate that people think the OP is at fault here somehow for expecting a full invite after initially declining the invitation. The OP has only been honest.

I'm getting married in June, and as I've quickly found out, a number of guests who have been invited can't give me conclusive answers straight away. Some may be able to get there on the day, others have to find out about work/sport commitments, etc. Some have already given me one answer, and then changed it when their circumstances changed, much like the OP has. It's no big deal. Our final RSVP date is the 1st of June so people have until then to respond.

When planning the wedding, we allowed for a worst case scenario in terms of numbers (i.e. absolutely everyone we ask will come), so there is some breathing space there for those who want to be there but can't fully commit just yet. Additionally, most hotels will NOT need the final numbers until a few weeks before the wedding. I find it very hard to believe that you friend already has final numbers in place for a July wedding and can't fit you in at all. We're having a big wedding (250+) and even with those numbers it's really not that difficult to juggle things a bit right up until the fortnight before the wedding.

Personally I can understand your annoyance OP. But ultimately, there's 2 possible explanations here - your friend is being totally honest and already has every seat filled (as unlikely as it sounds), or else she is being a bit awkward about things for reasons of her own. Which do you think it is?

Daisy M

If she is a good friend you should know her well enough to know if she is deliberately leaving you out or not. If this behaviour is not typical of her then I think you should take her word for it that the place is full just as she had to take your word that the work trip was unavoidable. If a venue is full to capacity then for health and safety reasons they would not be allowed to exceed the number allowed. I think you should see if its ok to go the the marriage ceremony, thats the most important part and if your friend had any doubts as to how important she is to you, making the effort to be there for that of her day will quell them.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Some of the replies above seem to indicate that people think the OP is at fault here somehow for expecting a full invite after initially declining the invitation. The OP has only been honest.

I'm getting married in June, and as I've quickly found out, a number of guests who have been invited can't give me conclusive answers straight away. Some may be able to get there on the day, others have to find out about work/sport commitments, etc. Some have already given me one answer, and then changed it when their circumstances changed, much like the OP has. It's no big deal. Our final RSVP date is the 1st of June so people have until then to respond.

When planning the wedding, we allowed for a worst case scenario in terms of numbers (i.e. absolutely everyone we ask will come), so there is some breathing space there for those who want to be there but can't fully commit just yet. Additionally, most hotels will NOT need the final numbers until a few weeks before the wedding. I find it very hard to believe that you friend already has final numbers in place for a July wedding and can't fit you in at all. We're having a big wedding (250+) and even with those numbers it's really not that difficult to juggle things a bit right up until the fortnight before the wedding.

Personally I can understand your annoyance OP. But ultimately, there's 2 possible explanations here - your friend is being totally honest and already has every seat filled (as unlikely as it sounds), or else she is being a bit awkward about things for reasons of her own. Which do you think it is?

We can't say what type of wedding the OP's friend is planning. People having large weddings find it easier to fit an extra person or couple in then someone having a really tight budget wedding and all venues are different. My cousin got married last month and he needed a solid yes or no a good few months before the wedding as the venue they'd picked was just really anal about it and he drove me mad checking and double checking with me. We don't know how many people dragged their feet getting back to the friend and it could be just a case of bad timing on behalf of the OP in that several other people told the friend they were coming who had said they weren't and the friend has already squeezed more people in then planned.

I don't think the OP is at fault but I don't think they have a right to be upset either. They said they couldn't go now they can but it's too late, o well, these things happen. I do think the OP is wrong to get upset about going to the afters. I can't see why anyone would care that they weren't at the whole wedding, they would just assume they had to work/had kids to take care of/had other things on and couldn't make it. The idea that they'd get 'non-stop questions' as to why they weren't there is silly, most people wouldn't even notice. I had to skip the church/meal part of a friends wedding last year due to work and no one asked me why I was only going to the afters when I arrived.

silja

Can you not text her back expressing regrets, and say that you are flexible, if anyone cancels to let you know as you'd love to come?

AhInFairness

I don't think you have much right to be upset tbh.

You've given her very little notice and it's a bit much to expect her to accommodate you when, from her perspective perhaps, you put a work trip ahead of being at her wedding and you're only available to go because it was cancelled, not because you prioritised your friend. I think if I was in your friend's position I'd be upset and perhaps thinking that maybe we weren't such good friends after all.

Now, that is all pure speculation and the other option is that your friend is being 100% honest as to why you can't come to the meal. Again, you haven't given her much notice to fit in you (and a +1?) and chances are she had her numbers confirmed for the meal well before now.

She hasn't told you not to come at all and has invited you to the afters. You should go. Why are you concerned with what other people might think? If anyone asks tell them the truth - you originally had a work trip that was cancelled after your friend's wedding plans were finalised.

If you value her friendship go to the afters, don't sulk because she didn't jump at the chance to accommodate your change of plans.

dellas1979

Could you absolutely 100% not have gone on the business trip? i.e. if you said you couldnt go/took annual leave, youd have lost your job or something?

Sounds a bit flippant and weak on your part (unless you clarify above) "ohh cant go to your wedding, have to go on a business trip" to someone you call a close friend. Maybe this is her pay back...to most ears, saying that would be "am too busy and my life is too important to go to your wedding".

You say you are married. If the roles were reversed, what would you have done if your close friend "seemingly" put a business trip over your wedding?

Oryx

If you really are this person's friend, then attend the afters with good grace, and wish them well. Thats what friendship is, not looking too deeply at motives and accepting people at face value. The girl said she cannot fit you in but would love to see you later, so you do just that.

What other people think or ask is irrelevant, but you answer honestly: you only let her know recently that you could come, and she couldnt fit you in.

Ickle Magoo

I don't it's rational to be upset here, OP.

You were clearly her first choice of guest - and it was you that turned down the opportunity to attend her wedding...the reasons why are irrelevant. There are finite places at most wedding sit downs and so with your news you couldn't attend, she's filled those places.

Now you can suddenly go and she's expected to...what? Un-invite other guests? Insist she demands the venue accommodate a larger number than they've booked/paid for? I really don't think you've got any alternative than take it on the chin that you can't go because you passed on the initial invitation and go the afters if you want to be a part of the day.

All the best OP. :cool:

petethebrick

Some idiotic advice on here saying you've lost your place and that's it etc

Of course you should be upset OP. Your friend obviously has some issue here as it would be easy for her to fit you in. If she is such a good friend then chat to her directly about this and tell her how you feel.

NotInvited

NotInvited wrote: »

I let her know I wouldn't be in the country.

So she had invited you and you had declined.

would we like to come to the afters.

So when she found out you were free, she let you know there was no room allocated for you (due you YOUR initial response about the wedding) but made sure you knew you were invited to the afters.

I never expected to be told I'm not invited.

You weren't. You're invited to the afters. You talk about wondering why she isn't squeezing you in, but that's exactly what she's trying to do. She's squeezing you into the afters because that's the part of the wedding that people can be squeezed into.

And now you're considering "bowing out gracefully"? So now that you're invited to the afters, the afters of a wedding that you said you'd be devastated not to go to, you're going to refuse because she couldn't squeeze you into the exact bits that you want?

Go to the afters OP. Go because it's your friend's wedding, and you want to show your support. There shouldn't be any other factors to take into consideration IMO.

tinkerbell

Oh for god's sake OP, stop creating so much fuss and bother over nothing. You have absolutely no right to be upset. You told your friend you couldn't go to her wedding and presumably she asked somebody else in your place and they accepted. Some venues can't just squeeze in an extra 2 people you know - have a bit of cop on here. For starters there might only be a limited number of tables and certain amount of people per table so they can't just add people.

I think it would be extremely bad form if you didn't accept the afters invite, you are supposed to be good friends and you're sulking over nothing. She invited you in the first place, you declined, so it's your fault you're not going to the full day, not hers.

Sorry to be so blunt about it but some people can just be so oblivious to the logistics of how a wedding is run, and saying you can just squeeze in an extra 2 people just like that really shows a lot of ignorance on your part.

newport2

NotInvited wrote: »

Do I suck it up and go to the afters or just bow out gracefully??

OP, as you phrase it, suck it up and go to the afters. Reply to her email telling her you're really looking forward to it and seeing her on the day. You never know, if someone can't make it then maybe you will get bumped up. Or if she was hurt because you put a business trip before her wedding and as a result is inviting you to the afters, then a nice email gracefully accepting might make her reconsider.

Either way, having let her know you could make it and then not turning up because it's only the afters does not look good, I don't see how it could be pulled off gracefully.

Good luck.

Oryx

You can also pop over to the church to see her arrive for the ceremony. It would be a nice thing to do, (happens all the time here where I live so not weird).

LegacyUser

petethebrick wrote: »

Some idiotic advice on here saying you've lost your place and that's it etc

Of course you should be upset OP. Your friend obviously has some issue here as it would be easy for her to fit you in. If she is such a good friend then chat to her directly about this and tell her how you feel.

How do you it would be easy for her to fit the OP [and her husband] in? The OP has given no indication of what type/size wedding the friend is having so maybe it is really just a case of a spade being a spade and the venue not having the space. The friend may actually have very little say in the meal side of the wedding as we don't know how big a family she or her other half have and how much pressure the family is putting on them. I know at my brothers wedding he ended up not inviting alot of his [and his OH's] friends to the meal side of the event as there was loads of pressure from both families to invite random cousins and relations they both barely knew but hey thats family. We don't know what kind of budget the friend is working to, we don't know the size of the venue nor how picky the venue is about adding more people. Some people have posted saying they had no issues with their chosen hotel with adding in more people but that isn't across the board and there are some venues that are more strict.

OP why don't you talk to your friend and ask if you can go to the church/civil office/where ever actual wedding is taking place then go off for a nice meal with your husband and come back for the afters? Surely it's the church part [ie the actual wedding part] that you want to go to not the meal? But most likely it's the meal side of things that is causing the issue for your friend.

Faith

When my brother and SIL got married, their reception venue had an absolute maximum capacity of about 104 people. Both being sociable folk, and us having a good number of aunts and uncles who had to be invited, they simply couldn't have everyone they wanted at their wedding. It's quite likely your friend genuinely can't fit you in anywhere. Don't take offence, be gracious and tell her that you'll be delighted to see her at the afters, and let her know that you'll keep the whole day free just in case anyone can't attend at the last minute.

midnight_train

I think that people here have given good perspectives on both sides of the argument.

Me personally, I'd find it hard to believe that she can't accommodate two extra people for a July wedding, but as folks say, we don't know what kind of wedding it is or what the budget is.

I do suspect that she feels slighted at your initial refusal of the invite for a work trip, because her telling you that you can't come over email is a very impersonal way of doing it. I'd be upset about that part of it, tbh.

If she is a really good friend and if this is really bugging you, pick up the phone or arrange for a coffee to chat about it and clear the air.

puffishoes

I find it really difficult to understand why you're upset.

If a a friend of mine who I grew up with invited me to their big day which for a lot of people is one of the most important days in their lives and asked you to share in this with them yet you felt your business trip was more important?

It would seem to me that maybe your friends big day was not as important to you and you seem to be more worried about your personal embarrassment that you might have to face at the afters than the opportunity to share in some part of the day.

So to answer your question, I think you're upset for all the wrong reasons.

LegacyUser

As for you, OP, being embarrassed to explain why you weren't invited to the main event, if you only go to the afters? Do you honestly think people will care ? And, should someone actually ask you, then tell the truth, you were not invited. If there's to be any embarrassment then it shouldn't be with you.

Why you would be expected to explain why you weren't invited smacks of a little ego-trip. By the sounds of things you should now give the whole event a skip.

Taltos

petethebrick - banned from PI for repeatedly posting in breach of our forum's charter.

Some idiotic advice on here saying you've lost your place and that's it etc

is not acceptable at all.

From our charter

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&
There is zero tolerance for muppetry here, and trolls etc. will not be treated lightly.
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Off topic and unhelpful behaviour will result in a ban and ban lengths are accumulative and posters have been permanently banned from the personal issues forum.

Regards
Taltos

Killed By Death

NotInvited wrote: »

Just had an email from her this morning saying that the venue is full and there's no room to invite myself or my husband, but would we like to come to the afters. To be honest I'm really upset about this and not sure how to react. We have been friends since playschool and all throughout our adult lives and I never expected to be told I'm not invited.

You were invited, you declined for a work trip, remember?

NotInvited wrote: »

To be honest I'd be mortified to go to the afters only

You'd be mortified? Seriously?
Do you realise how self-absorbed that is? Do you honestly think anyone will notice or care that you are just at the evening. The wedding is not all about you.

NotInvited wrote: »

as I would be faced with an evening of non-stop questions about why I wasn't at the wedding.

:eek: It's a wedding. Do you really think you will be the subject of non stop conversation. Sorry OP, you need a reality check. You won't be and it's pretty embarassing that you don't realise that. You will not be the focus of attention, it's not your day.

NotInvited wrote: »

Am I being selfish by getting upset over this? She says there's no room so maybe there really isn't, though I can't see how you couldn't squeeze two more people in somewhere. Do I suck it up and go to the afters or just bow out gracefully??

It's not easy to just sqeeze in two more people. Wedding planning is a nightmare and you are being very unreasonable. Go to the afters and forget about your ego.

thefeatheredcat

In fairness you did tell your friend you weren't going to be in the country for the wedding, now that the status of the trip has changed you can't really expect her to change plans for you because it is convenient for you.
You seem to have made an assumption and created an expectation for yourself that it will be fine and there will be room and space and an availability for you. That is not the case here.

You have been offered a fair compromise in being invited to the afters. Take that option.

I think it would be very unfair to put pressure on your friend to accommodate your sudden change of plans which may also incur her an additional cost and changing a lot of plans - and I really think you need to take that into consideration as well as her feelings. I don't see any value in being overly upset about it that could cause upset and tension for your friend and extra stress when you have been offered an invite to the afters which I think is fair.

Oryx gave a great idea of showing up at the church if you want to wish her well/get some photos if you can't be accommodated and then go to the afters, which you have been invited to.

I don't see the sense in creating an upset for your friend either in bowing out altogether (perhaps she may be upset over this or you might be seen as over sensitive to the whole thing or dramatic about it) or worrying over what other people will think.

Let your friend know that you're interested in going to the afters and be enthusiastic about it.

QuiteInterestin

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. She told her friend last month (April) that she would be able to attend her friends wedding in July after all. I would think that at that stage the invites weren't even out yet so it wouldn't have been a case of uninviting people etc to fit her in. If the invites hadn't even been sent yet and the friend had always planned to invite the OP, I don't think it would have disrupted the plans too much at that stage to fit her in (depending on the size of the wedding etc).

As someone else mentioned, I'd be more annoyed at the email part, it seems very impersonal. Also, it took her a month to let you know that she wouldn't be inviting you to the full wedding. Maybe she spent this time trying to accommodate you and your husband (and others etc). Would her email have coincided with the posting of the invites to everyone else?

iguana

QuiteInterestin wrote: »

I would think that at that stage the invites weren't even out yet so it wouldn't have been a case of uninviting people etc to fit her in. If the invites hadn't even been sent yet and the friend had always planned to invite the OP, I don't think it would have disrupted the plans too much at that stage to fit her in (depending on the size of the wedding etc).

I think you are giving way too much credence to the old adage about sending invites 6 weeks before the wedding. I have never been to a wedding in July where I didn't have an invite received and RSVPs sent back in in the early spring. Lots of venues will want 2+ months notice of exact numbers. Unless the OP's friend is having an informal wedding, and it doesn't sound like that, then it's quite likely that confirmed places were all established and set in place over a month ago.

I think you have a nerve, OP. You put a business trip ahead of your friend's wedding (could you really not have got out of it?) and then when it's cancelled, you expect your friend to slot you in and get annoyed when she can't? It's a wedding, it's quite possible that everything has been arranged and you really can't be accommodated.

I agree with Killed By Death, I have no idea why you think you will be the centre of attention at the afters. The bride will be the centre of attention! I highly doubt people will be on at you about why you didn't attend the wedding (if they even notice that you didn't) but if they do that, just explain the situation. I don't understand why that's a problem at all. Surely being there on your friend's big day is WAY more important than what other guests think about why you weren't at the wedding?

You do sound incredibly self-absorbed. You are not the centre of the universe. If you care about your friend, go to the afters and wish her well. Staying at home sulking because you weren't reinvited to the whole thing would be childish and unfair.

QuiteInterestin

iguana wrote: »

I think you are giving way too much credence to the old adage about sending invites 6 weeks before the wedding. I have never been to a wedding in July where I didn't have an invite received and RSVPs sent back in in the early spring. Lots of venues will want 2+ months notice of exact numbers. Unless the OP's friend is having an informal wedding, and it doesn't sound like that, then it's quite likely that confirmed places were all established and set in place over a month ago.

You're right, I had the 6 week timeline in my head when replying, as I always considered that around the norm (though I haven't been to many weddings) but if invites were out/about to be sent well that definitely changes things.

OP I think you should definitely still go to the afters, and as others have suggested, the church part as well. While it may be frustrating not to be there for the full day, your friend still wants you to be part of one of the most important days of her life and by not going, just because you didn't get a full day invite, would be a bit childish and wouldn't do your friendship any favours.

As for sticking out at the afters for not being there for the full day, of the few weddings I've been at, I couldn't tell who had been there all day and who had been there for the afters. Since everyone is seated for the meal, and don't start moving around until the dancing starts, and there's always a few who miss the ceremony and come straight to the hotel or disappear to the pub between the church and the meal, no one will even notice you weren't there all day. And even if they do, just tell them the truth, you were meant to be away on business but it luckily got cancelled, so you got to be there after all.

LegacyUser

OP, if a good friend of mine initially turned down my invitation I'd be disappointed.

If things changed and they could come and I'd be delighted.

Surely you guys could be squeezed in on a table - sure, we've all been out at restaurants and have had friends turned up - everyone just squeezes in a bit. Especially if it's a table of friends.

There are usually cancellations closer to the day so why not give your friend a shout and ask to be put on the cancellation list as you'd really hate to miss her day. Then as people suggested, go to the Church and the Afters.

The last three weddings I've been to people didn't show up - they only let the couple know on the day.

Neyite

I think you are wrong to be upset OP.

Having seen a relative plan a wedding recently, its opened up my eyes to the planning. The venue was restricted in terms of numbers- obviously the hotel would love to cram in as many as possible, as it means more bar takings, but fire regulations restrict numbers per function room.

In the case I saw, there was a big family on both sides, each set of parents were allocated a set amount of numbers (for the neighbours/friends that "had" to get invited) and anyone that declined, well there was a list of people that the bride and groom would love to have there - and those declines became recycled invites.

Go to the afters and be gracious about it, in my opinion. Nobody will care that you were not at the full day - just say that you couldnt get the time off work for the full day.

whatdoicare

well..w wrote: »

Surely you guys could be squeezed in on a table - sure, we've all been out at restaurants and have had friends turned up - everyone just squeezes in a bit. Especially if it's a table of friends.

As nice an idea as this may seem- in most cases with hotels you can't do this- they want a definite number a good few weeks before the day (for me, they were ringing me up for confirmations a month beforehand and they were pretty much telling us when we initially booked the hotel what the maximum number per table was and the absolute maximum was for the room) and the table plan a few weeks before and if it is possible it ends up being very costly to the couple.

I know my cousin was freaking out when a friend of hers brought a plus one he wasn't given - it cost my cousin a fortune to pay for the extra place as the deal they had was for a set amount of people and they went to town charging for the extra person.

LizT

OP, it's obvious you're very upset about this. You say you are married - how would you have felt if this close friend had said to you she couldn't come to your wedding because of work?

You need to just get on with it and go to the afters. Most people probably won't even notice you weren't at the wedding and if they do, they probably won't want to know why you weren't.

Your friend may still be feeling hurt that you initally couldn't go. If I were you, I'd give her a text saying you can't wait to be at the afters to see her on her big day and you're so happy you'll be here for it.

Without knowing your friend and her situation, I presume that she can't fit you in due to venue constraints and you should just presume that too. You would probably do a lot of damage to your friendship if you didn't show your face at the afters. It's her big day so don't cause her any more stress than is necessary.