Close Freinds and Boyfriends

Mc Kenzie

Ok, So i have a boyfriend back in ireland while im in london.

He knows one of my closest friends who lives in Dublin also. he met us both on the same night,,with one nite

He is a really friendly outgoing guy gets along with poeple nearly anyone:)
which is great.

but then my bf mentioned he was speaking to her on fbook an said they might go for a drink he asked me if this is ok, at first i said yea but then i felt really strange about it i wasnt comfortable so then i was talkin with my freind and she mentioned to me really cassually that they were gonna meet up.i never said anything

after i had a think i decided to say to her i didnt feel good about it since im over here. They have only met once and id just feel happier to be around when they wana hava chat

I know my friend is not interested in him nor him her as he has told me if they were already freinds id understand but they met only once.

But im just wandering does anyone else think this is strange teritory for your friend and your bf to be hanging out with out you.

what do people think

id apriciate your thaughts.

thank you

coco_lola

Personally, I would probably be uncomfortable too (but that's just me personally!), but the fact that they had been upfront and told me would lead me to give them the benefit of the doubt. The fact of the matter is, even if you say you're not comfortable with it, if they want to meet up they will, we can't force other people's behaviour. They have been honest about it which is a positive thing.

If she is a good friend, and he is a great boyfriend, then I'm sure you have nothing to worry about And if they did do something, you certainly
wouldn't want those people in your life anyway!

What did your friend say when you told her you weren't comfortable with it?

Kimia

OK need more information. How old are you both? How long have you been going out with him? How long have you been away and how long are you planning on staying in london?

Mc Kenzie

im sure its fine,

my freind understood she its fine and said its fine. so knowing her she wont go ...i know i can tust them i just think its a strange area you want your friends and bf to get on...just id feell better that im there.

Im glad i told them both anyway how i felt ,,,im 24 he 25 known him about a yr

tinkerbell

I think that's very weird tbh .... They barely know each other and going for drinks? It'd be completely different if you we're all good friends.

Mc Kenzie

yea i know well, what happened is i left an xmas present for her at his house ass she couldnt get it at the time and i asked if she was about to call to him to get it,,,,but she never did an they kinda joked about her never bein able to get it ....so then i think she felt bad not bein able to collect it so they said theyd meet

but i agree it would be dif if we were all mates ,,i think its better they get to know each other when im around..thats jus me

neuro-praxis

If I trusted everyone involved, I would have no problem with this at all. People can like each other very sincerely without wanting anything else.

And if I didn't trust the people involved...well, I'd probably bring those relationships to a halt anyway.

Mc Kenzie

Mc Kenzie wrote: »

i think its better they get to know each other when im around..thats jus me

That's understandable.

While you've no place to tell them not to meet up, you're certainly entitled to air your discomfort at the situation, and if they've chosen to respect that then you're a lucky woman! Good for you for being upfront to them about this.

LittleBook

Consider the possibility that they both miss you and simply feel connected to each other through you.

They probably have plenty of friends and don't necessarily need to make friends with each other, but your boyfriend might feel connected to you through getting to know her and she might feel connected to you by getting to know your boyfriend.

Just a thought.

analucija

I think more likely it was just convenient. He was dropping her five months old present anyway.

I had quite a few coffees or drinks with boyfriends (or girlfriends) of some of my friends. It was mostly coincidence, very often to do with work and most likely boring as hell. Mostly they were nice guys but I had absolutely no interest in them and sometimes it was just annoying. One was particularly bad because when they were breaking up I ended listening to both bitching about another. (I had very gender mixed group of friends and boyfriends or girlfriends usually ended being part of the group and you got to know them quite well.)

OP, chance is they found situation pretty boring but they can't tell you that. I really think you are making to much of a big deal and as someone said you need trust in relationship or friendship.

reap-a-rat

I'm in Dublin and my boyfriend is in Galway. My best friend is also in Galway. I was overjoyed when my boyfriend told me him and my bud were having drinks together. That had met but not talked properly face to face ever. Now they're really good buddies!

Difference is though, my best friend is a guy. And I can't help but think OP wouldn't find the situation strange at all if her friend was a guy too. They were chatting on Facebook, you said, so maybe they realised they had stuff in common and could potentially become good friends? So they decide to meet up in person as opposed to talking through the internet. I guess that's how people got to know each other before the advent of social networks etc.

I think you should be happy that your best friend and your boyfriend want to become friends. It makes a relationship so much easier when they get along - trust me! And trust them, too.

tiny_penguin

I agree with reap-a-rat, id be delighted with this to be honest. I think its nice they are trying to get to know each other. Its always easier when friends and partners get on. If you trust them both then whats the issue? And if this was a guy friend would you find it as strange? My best friend lives overseas and my OH happened to be visiting the country she lives in without me a few months after we got together. They had never met but I was actively encouraging them to meet and get to know each other - it didnt happen in the end - but its still nice. And while he was away his friends invited me out with them so that I didnt feel out of the loop which was also lovely. Esp as you live in a different city to both of them surely it would be easier if when yuo came home you didnt have to spend time organising events for them to get to know each other - that you can spend time with them one on one and if you do go out as a group then theres no awkwardness cos they already know each other.

LegacyUser

I agree with some of the posts but make sure it is respectable. It is not that they are not to be trusted or it may develop into something intimate. I had to witness an experience that annoyed me tbh. I have a friend who had a boyfriend in Dublin and she moved to England for a temporary contract position. Her bf was meeting with her best friend. A coffee out, a movie not often. My friend working in England didn't have a problem with it. I didn't myself saw it as a problem at first and I was sometimes present during these occasions.

The relationship between the best friend and bf became closer as they would talk on the phone daily. What annoyed me and eventually my friend in England was whenever she and her bf had a disagreement, this best friend was caught in the middle. Sorry if I sound confusing. My friend over in England would call this best friend to vent about her problems (stuff that most gfs talk about regarding their bfs). What appalled me the most was her bf was doing the same with her best friend! In my opinion this is way out of line. I would never imagine my bf calling my best friend whenever there was a disagreement between us. Does he not have his own friends to vent to?

I am in no way saying this will happen to you but make sure there are respectable boundaries. She is your friend and if there are disagreements with your bf and he wants to vent, make sure he does with his own friends not use your best friend. I would never want my friends to be in such an uncomfortable situation. This best friend did not know how to say no.

Just make sure your intimate relationship is between you and your bf. And your best friend's relationship is between the two of you. If there are disagreements and you vent to this friend, well make sure things don't go back to him and that if he likes to vent that he does so with his friends only.

Mc Kenzie

I appriciate all the comments thank you.

I know at the end of the day its down to me and how i feel its not them thats doing any wrong

But someon comented that they might feel close to me by getting to know each other which i can understand since im away aswell..its true

Its not a big deal i just wanderd what other peoples thaughts were

Big Bag of Chips

If you trust them, and you say yourself they are not doing anything wrong... Why do you think you are uncomfortable with them meeting?

It's a genuine question. Because to me trust is the most important thing in a relationship. If I didn't trust my husband, I couldn't stay married to him. Same way if he didn't trust me, I couldn't see myself staying around with someone who felt they couldn't trust me.

Mc Kenzie

ok, i understand what you mean,,

I cant say why i feel uncomfortable ,i just do but thats really to do with my own insecuritys and something i, myself have to overcome.

I wont push away people i care about and love because im not perfect.

and iv let them know how i feel even tho i never said to not go its up to them at the end of the day t

But then again. iv seen these types of situations occur in the past as one of the posters explain and i know its not always likely ,,,however it is a possibility for people to become close,....and id rather not encourage that possibility. i feel its fair for me to feel this way ...what do others think

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know OP. Do you feel uncomfortable just because she's your friend or would you rather he didn't meet up with ANY girls while you're not around? Even his own friends? If it's ALL girls.. then I think you're going to cause trouble for yourself.

You are right to say its your own insecurities, and I think you know out of respect for you that neither of them will feel comfortable to meet the other, which is noble. But have you thought that maybe now when they do meet, in your presence, it will be sort of awkward?

Just be careful that you don't push them away. I know that's not your intention, but I also know, if I were your friend, while I might agree to it immediately on the phone... After thinking about it for a while I'd be very insulted that my friend didn't trust me with her boyfriend..

Mc Kenzie

Actually he has a lot of freinds boys and girls and has one very close friend who is a girl and he has known her before me so that i understand are friends its not all girls ,,,but sometimes being away from him a feel i dont see him much and then i feel abit left out or something that there getting together without me ....its a hard one :rolleyes:

fungun

I understand your feeling a bit insecure, but if the sexes were reversed here I think you would have a lot of people giving out about you not trusting your gf and being 'controlling', why cant your gf meet a friend of yours when you are away?

I empathise with you, but if you feel this way about a friend of yours meeting him, then I think a long distance relationship is not the best path for you.

Mr Bump

I find it very strange, if they only meet once why do they feel the need to meet for a beer / drink when you are not there, i would not like this at all tbh, i hope your friend does what she says, like not meet him,

Mc Kenzie wrote: »

Ok, So i have a boyfriend back in ireland while im in london.

He knows one of my closest friends who lives in Dublin also. he met us both on the same night,,with one nite

He is a really friendly outgoing guy gets along with poeple nearly anyone:)
which is great.

but then my bf mentioned he was speaking to her on fbook an said they might go for a drink he asked me if this is ok, at first i said yea but then i felt really strange about it i wasnt comfortable so then i was talkin with my freind and she mentioned to me really cassually that they were gonna meet up.i never said anything

after i had a think i decided to say to her i didnt feel good about it since im over here. They have only met once and id just feel happier to be around when they wana hava chat

I know my friend is not interested in him nor him her as he has told me if they were already freinds id understand but they met only once.

But im just wandering does anyone else think this is strange teritory for your friend and your bf to be hanging out with out you.

what do people think

id apriciate your thaughts.

thank you

dellas1979

I think the fact both of them want to meet up is weird. Not your reaction. As said, they have only met once.

I think there is a line/border you dont cross with bf/gfs and friends that barely know each other, and they crossed it. Thats why you feel weird about it.

LegacyUser

A friend of mine was going out with a guy when she was about 20. He ended up being sent abroad with his job for a few months, and he asked his Best Friend at the time to look out for my friend.

Well....my friend, and the boyfriend's Best Friend, have now been married for almost 10 years

What will happen, will happen. Look, if there's an attraction between them (especially as you say they have only met once, strange they would feel like they want to meet up again??) maybe you're better off not being around to see them hook up. If they meet up and it's 100% platonic, then you know you can trust them. If something happens between them, then I guess you and your boyfriend just weren't meant to go the distance, otherwise he and your friend wouldn't have felt drawn together in the first place......

December2012

I would be different if all your friends were going out and he came along, but when a guy and a girl go out just the two of them it very closely resembles a date.

Mc Kenzie

watchin_tv_drinkin_tea wrote: »

A friend of mine was going out with a guy when she was about 20. He ended up being sent abroad with his job for a few months, and he asked his Best Friend at the time to look out for my friend.

Well....my friend, and the boyfriend's Best Friend, have now been married for almost 10 years

What will happen, will happen. Look, if there's an attraction between them (especially as you say they have only met once, strange they would feel like they want to meet up again??) maybe you're better off not being around to see them hook up. If they meet up and it's 100% platonic, then you know you can trust them. If something happens between them, then I guess you and your boyfriend just weren't meant to go the distance, otherwise he and your friend wouldn't have felt drawn together in the first place......

Hold up ! feels like im being told to stay out of the way here :rolleyes:...na theres i dont think theres any feelings here, i know this guy really cares about me ..:) its jus as dellas said i feel there is a boarder line with boyfreinds and freinds if its was a group thing with all my friends and his would be great,,but jus the two of them ,,.i think my friend just felt bad she didn make an effort to collect the present after all the months . in the end he contacted her never got a reply and said fek it ill go play football lol...he actually is going back to bazil sad to say ..but i thinnk thats another thing, its not like he was gona be around for a long time for them to get to know each other ..i think at the end of the day it was just a freindy gesture but i wanted to know what others thaught in this area or case what happens ,,thanks for all advice

ando

Nope, red flags here. I’m sorry but this is just plain weird. I have never known this to happen. You're in a relationship with someone, your other half has only met your girlfriend once and now he wants to meet up for drinks with her, without you around.... I’m sorry but that’s not right. You and him together should be meeting your friend(s) for drinks, not him on his own, not at this early stage!!!!!! This kind of behavior from your boyfriend would be acceptable after months of you and him meeting your girlfriends, and you know what relationship they have established.

People can be very selfish in this world, look out for themselves and my gut is telling me this is not right. If I was in a situation like this, I would be saying to him, "To be honest this makes me a little uncomfortable, I hope you understand but Id be happier if we meet up with my friends when I get back".. something like that. How would he feel if you were out with your boyfriend on a night out and met one of his friends once, had a connection with him and decided to meet up with the "friend" while your boyfriend wasnt around... This "connection" thing is how relationships/affairs start!

I don’t mean to scare you or give you ideas, it’s ultimately upto you, but coming from someone that has trusted others and got screwed royally by the selfish acts of others, I wouldn’t be so naïve in this situation

I am a friend

I agree with Ando but if this is the case and if his motives are less then kosher then are you not just plastering over a problem by asking him not to meet this girl?

The Big Red Button

As far as I'm concerned, you either trust the people involved, or you don't.

I know that any of my female friends would not even consider having any sort of romantic involvement with any boyfriend of mine. In fact, if they fancied my boyfriend, if anything they'd probably do their best to avoid him! And therefore, if I heard that one of my friends was meeting my boyfriend without me there, if anything that would be an assurance to me that it was totally platonic, on her part at least!

I also know my boyfriend well enough to know that he wouldn't cheat on me with any girl, let alone one of my friends. I'm not stupid or naive, I'm not saying that he's never going to fancy any other girls - but, if he wants to be with someone else, I know that he'd have the decency to break up with me first. So, as far as I'm concerned, he's free to meet up with whatever girls he wants to - because I trust him.

Think of it this way - if it was a male friend of yours that he wanted to meet up with, because they'd met once before and got on well, would you have any problems with this?

I think that you just have to really think about it ... is it him you don't fully trust, or her, or both? And why? Ideally you should be able to trust both of them enough to know that, if there were any feelings (more than friendship) there, that each of them would respect you enough to remove themselves from the situation, and avoid meeting up together.

It doesn't sound at all suspicious to me, to be honest, particularly when they're both being so up-front about it.

The Big Red Button

Kimia wrote: »

OK need more information. How old are you both? How long have you been going out with him? How long have you been away and how long are you planning on staying in london?

I'd also be interested in hearing the answers to these questions ...

Mc Kenzie wrote: »

Hold up ! feels like im being told to stay out of the way here :rolleyes:...na theres i dont think theres any feelings here, i know this guy really cares about me ..:) its jus as dellas said i feel there is a boarder line with boyfreinds and freinds if its was a group thing with all my friends and his would be great,,but jus the two of them ,,.i think my friend just felt bad she didn make an effort to collect the present after all the months . in the end he contacted her never got a reply and said fek it ill go play football lol...he actually is going back to bazil sad to say ..but i thinnk thats another thing, its not like he was gona be around for a long time for them to get to know each other ..i think at the end of the day it was just a freindy gesture but i wanted to know what others thaught in this area or case what happens ,,thanks for all advice

Oops I just saw the bit that he's going back to Brazil? Is this for good ... are the two of ye planning on continuing a relationship after he goes back? Will you be back from London before he leaves for Brazil?

A lot depends on how committed/serious your relationship is ...?

Smithey88

The whole situation doesnt feel right...

They don't really know each other. Only through the op and she is in a different country! As Tinkerbell said would be different if they were all a group of friends but its not the case.


My personal two cents:
He is a guy. She is a girl. They dont really know each other but yet are having drinks. Would make me very cautious.
And op, i dont mean to be bad but how well can you trust people? you state he doesnt find her attractive or vice versa. But alot of people who did the dirt have stated that.

Mc Kenzie

Yano what i just think it is down to the person invoved! theres alot of very different comments and its really down to different types of people.

Its not that i didnt trust them please understand that! Its just it felt disrespectful of me . Just to consider that i may feel uncomfortable about it.
Im thinking of my other freind who has a boyfreind and i dont know him that well ,,i dont think id agree to go for a drink with him. I know thats shed ask me whyg for a drink with him are you goin ,adn prob think i was weird lol....

anyways i dont want every one to look in to my case its just the situation i wanted to put across to otheres...Im going back home this weekdn to see him im gonna ask my friend with the boyfriend what she thinks

Big Bag of Chips

Is the friend with a boyfriend, different to the friend you have been talking about all along? If so, why are you involving another person in this?

Your bf and your friend mentioned to you, they might meet up.
You told them you didn't feel comfortable with that.
They agreed not to meet.

Why is it still an issue? Why the need to discuss it further with another friend?

Go home for the weekend. Meet up with your bf and your friend. Hand over the Christmas present, and forget about it.

It is now a resolved-issue....

No?