don't want kids yet or want to hurt her

LegacyUser

Ive been with my girlfriend 2 years now, ill be 30 soon, and she'll be 32 this year. She's a lovely person, we get on well, but I keep thinking in the back of my mind that maybe I should break up with her. The point is she wants a child by the time she is 35, ill be 33 then and tbh, I don't think i'll be ready for all that, i feel like a kid myself sometimes. She has said she wants some sign of commitment near the end of the year, engagement ring I guess, but all I see is myself being pressurissed.
We come from completely different backgrounds, shes from urban area of the north of England, Im irish, from the country. I occasionally travel to see her family as they live a distance away, and her sister has 2 young kids aged 3 &4, I dont really connect with them too well as I have no interest in somebody elses kids, it doesen't help when all the focus is on these 2 kids while they scream and run about the room all day long, I havent anything in common with these people and they make little effort to get to know me,not that they are rude or cold, but its quite the oppisite when my g/f visits my family, she has said she was never made to feel so welcome.
I find it hard, all her family talk about is the kids and things like x factor, idle gossip and mundane things, I have an interesting job where I travel alot, but never get asked about, Im a quiet person, but not difficult to talk to, I sit there and wonder whats the point.
In their view, and as her sister has proven , after 2yrs it is time to be popping the question and thinking about childen. I can understand the pressure my g/f might feel when her two younger sisters are married and have kids, but I dont understand the rush. 'Fools rush in' I tell her, but Im starting to think maybe I need to be with a much younger girl, 25-26 maybe.
She has said this in passing (often when she feels a little insecure), that maybe I should be with a younger girl, I can detect the tint of sadness in her voice when she says it, but It does make me wonder lately.
I think id be ok if we broke up, i'd manage i guess, but id hate to break her heart, she doesn't deserve it, shes one of the kindest people I ever met, I love her, but don't want to make a decision i might regret.
Right now I see kids as a burden I don't need, I think the freedom that goes with not having them should not be given up in a hurry. I see her target of 35 as a clock ticking down in the back of my mind, pressure is what I feel. I can't imagine being a dad in 3 years...
Anybody care to give me some advice, or in a similar situation

Beruthiel

OP,
She's 32 and at that age, the clock is indeed ticking.
You cannot waste anymore of her time, it's finite.
You must be totally honest with her now. Don't put it off any longer.
If you are absolutely sure you don't want children then you must let her go as soon as possible so she can find someone who does.

Distorted

From reading your post, I wonder why you're together. Are both of you more afraid to be single than being with someone you're incompatible with? Or even interested enough in to ask about their job. Theres plenty of women of all ages who don't want kids, but your comment about wanting to be with someone younger made me wonder whether you see yourself possibly having kids one day, but just not with her. If you feel this way, its probably less cruel to end it sooner rather than later.

blacklilly

OP, I have to agree with other posters, I do not understand why you are together.

You are actually being more hurtful by staying with her and prolonging the inevitable then just being upfront and honest and going your seperate ways. That way she has a chace to meet a guy who wants what she wants.

You shouldn't stay with someone just becuase you don't want to break her heart. You should want to stay with her.

I think you're best to break up, let her find a man ready for children and you can find a younger woman who doesn't have her sights set on children just yet.

newport2

OP, I can't envisage many things much crueler than staying with a woman who wants children when you don't, especially if you haven't spelled this out to her.

Her days are numbered, don't waste any more of them for her.

username123

I dont know if anyone is ever 'ready' to have kids tbh. Some people just dont want them at all - like me. Its not clear if you fall into the 'not now' or the 'not ever' category.

Lots of people dont like other peoples kids - why would they?

They way you talk about your GFs family is quite telling, you almost seem to look down on them, insinuating that they dont make an effort on your behalf and that they are 'only' interested in talking about family, idle gossip etc...

Overall I think that you would be better off to let this girl go. You say she is lovely, but then you say youd be grand if you broke up - you are not really setting the world alight with declarations of love here!!!

If you think you wont be ready for children and commitment at 33 then get out of it now. You GF has a biological clock - if she hangs on waiting for you to be ready she may run out of time. You know NOW that you are not comfortable with the idea of a family in 3 years, so let her off to find someone who does want the same things are her. Otherwise you are just wasting her time and her fertility.

AckwelFoley

OP, You are 30 now, you are a grown man. If you can't decide whether you want kids at this stage of your life youre best not having them because trust me the older you get the harder it is.

You have to let her know how you feel. It's not a crime not to want to have children, but don't leave off having kids to later in life, its hard work and I've learned and you need to have the energy. The older you get the more set in your ways you become. Don't turn 40 and regret not having a family, but don't have a bandaid baby, purely to hold on to your girlfriend.

Neyite

Do the decent thing and let her go. She deserves to have someone on board that has the same goals for the future as she is heading toward that ticking clock. It would be beyond mean to lead her on believing in a future you dont see.

I started trying at aged 34, and I was 37 before I had my first, as it took a while to get pregnant. These things can take time, and if you factor in how long it would take to meet someone new, she is running out of time.

Its ok to not want to have your family within that time frame, or even have a family at all, but when your wishes would deny her her wishes, you know deep down its not fair on her.

I am a friend

I've been in your gf's shoes and to this day despise my ex because he lied to me by pretending to want kids when he didn't. It's a horrible thing to do to a woman of a certain age who wants a family. He lied because he didn't want to lose me - how selfish!!!

She needs to know exactly where you stand so she can make her own mind up. You think her heart will be broken now??? it will be more broken in 5 years time when she still has no kids and is 5 years older. Time to man up and be honest!!! Saying it will hurt her is a total cop out. Lies cause bigger hurt than truth in this scenario.

You are entitled not to be ready but she needs to know.

Oryx

I read your post, op, and what I heard was someone listing reasons to let someone go: kids, her family, pressure. Its like you want us to tell you its ok to break up with her.

Well, it is ok to break up with her. Its life and it happens. Your needs and hers are different. You can love someone, yet not be the right person for them. The most courageous thing you can do is accept that and act accordingly. You are doing her no favours here by sitting on the fence and making no decision either way.

seamus

What to do.. wrote: »

She's a lovely person, we get on well

I got about this far in your post and instantly I recognised that you don't see a future with this girl. You describe her as you would describe a colleague or a friend, not as someone you share a deep emotional connection with.

But you're not a bad guy and you hate to cause pain for anyone that you like and respect, and really that's the reason you're on here looking for people to tell you that you're not a bastard for wanting to break up with her.

As Oryx says, it is OK to break up with her. If your aim is to minimise to pain this may cause her, then ending the relationship sooner rather than later is the way to do that.

What to do..

What to do.. wrote: »

id hate to break her heart, she doesn't deserve it, shes one of the kindest people I ever met, I love her, but don't want to make a decision i might regret.
Right now I see kids as a burden I don't need, I think the freedom that goes with not having them should not be given up in a hurry. I see her target of 35 as a clock ticking down in the back of my mind, pressure is what I feel. I can't imagine being a dad in 3 years...

Tell her this, word for word.

35 is not an age she has set on a whim, or out of social pressure. Biologically it's best she start trying by 35. You say you're feeling pressured, which I can totally understand, but imagine how much pressure she feels. This is what she wants to do with her life, and she knows she has a time limit.

She has invested a lot of love, time and energy on you, hoping you would join her in this. If you're not up for it (and don't fall into the trap of trying to convince yourself you might be), you need to bow out so that she has a chance of finding someone who will do this with her. The stress of this will damage both of you in the long run, so you really should think about calling it a day.

ElleEm

I agree with all the other posters on this, it is not fair to continue in a relationship with her while allowing her to think that you want the things she does.

Set her free.

LegacyUser

What you're saying reminds me of myself a bit. I'm a woman if that helps. When I was younger I used to wonder what would happen if I got into a serious relationship with someone and the issue of children came up. If you had asked me a few years ago I would genuinely not have been able to give you an answer. I sort of thought that one day I'd wake up and have the answer that I felt I should have. That I would want kids.

Gradually I came to realize that I was fooling myself and that I didn't ever want kids. I had just been suppressing the truth. Society puts pressure on people to want to have kids. Now that I know I don't want them, I'm happy to admit to having some of the same feelings you have described. I've absolutely no interest in the kids belonging to family and friends. I have to feign interest out of politeness. When I meet them I wish their kids weren't there because they're noisy and a pain in the rear. [God I feel like such a cow saying that]. When they start going on about all the parenting things they're really into, I'm secretly thinking that's just about the most boring thing on earth. I don't want my life to revolve around children.

In not saying that you have the same thoughts as I do but I saw this post and felt I should post. If you believe that parenthood isn't for you, then let her go. I think it's going to tear you apart over time anyway.

pinkpigs

Hey OP.

I was in your girlfriends shoes three years ago. It was a long drawn out break up, I'll never forget the pain. We went our serpate ways and I found myself starting again at 35. I've been lucky to find a gem of a guy, I'd love to spend the next two years just enjoying each other, but I am nearing 37, I have this huge pressure to have a baby sooner rather than later.

It's time you lay your cards on the table. Tell her the truth that you don't want children in the immediate future but may want children in a few years time. She may decided to risk it and stay or she may walk on out the door.

You may think you'll break her heart but the longer this goes on the worse it's going to be.. trust me from someone who wishes the ex said something earlier!!

All the best

PP

Xterminator

errm there is an alternative.

you could give the girl what she wants.

Bite the bullet. Get engaged. set a timeframe for marriage and kids and stick to it.

Heres a heads up. you may never feel ready for kids.

I know i wasnt, when my 1st came along.

you might not want to get married, but if it means that much to her, would it be a big compromise for you?

If you think you will regret doing these things then dont. but if your just 'not ready' well you may never be ready.

Flashgordon197

Your post reminds me of me. I didnt want kids until late 30s but then it took 5 years to conceive so I ended up being much older. Life has a way of laughing at your plans. I think the earlier you start having kids the better-the older you have them the more worn out you are. If I had my time over would start the baby game younger. Be honest with her and open to compromise. After 35 there is a huge drop in a females fertility and also male but to a lesser extent.

nowyouresix

From what you've written, I don't think you should stay together. Break up with her, and give her a chance of a new start.

Nymeria

Xterminator wrote: »

errm there is an alternative.

you could give the girl what she wants.

Bite the bullet. Get engaged. set a timeframe for marriage and kids and stick to it.

Heres a heads up. you may never feel ready for kids.

I know i wasnt, when my 1st came along.

you might not want to get married, but if it means that much to her, would it be a big compromise for you?

If you think you will regret doing these things then dont. but if your just 'not ready' well you may never be ready.

OP, im sorry but this is not the way to go.....having a child to please someone else when its not what you want is a bad idea. It will no doubt lead to compromise of your wants and needs and resentment later on.

The main thing is that you deserve to be happy just as much as your girlfriend, and if marriage and children doesn't appeal to you then thats ok.
In the short term it may lead to heartbreak, but the most important thing is that you communicate with your girlfriend and be honest with her. You must allow her to make an informed choice as her time is more limited than yours in this regard.

You may indeed decide down the line that children are for you, but don't feel that you 'owe' her these things if they are not what you really want. That is a recipe for unhappiness.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

errm there is an alternative.

you could give the girl what she wants.

Bite the bullet. Get engaged. set a timeframe for marriage and kids and stick to it.

Heres a heads up. you may never feel ready for kids.

I know i wasnt, when my 1st came along.

you might not want to get married, but if it means that much to her, would it be a big compromise for you?

If you think you will regret doing these things then dont. but if your just 'not ready' well you may never be ready.

Nymeria wrote: »

OP, im sorry but this is not the way to go.....having a child to please someone else when its not what you want is a bad idea. It will no doubt lead to compromise of your wants and needs and resentment later on.

The main thing is that you deserve to be happy just as much as your girlfriend, and if marriage and children doesn't appeal to you then thats ok.
In the short term it may lead to heartbreak, but the most important thing is that you communicate with your girlfriend and be honest with her. You must allow her to make an informed choice as her time is more limited than yours in this regard.

You may indeed decide down the line that children are for you, but don't feel that you 'owe' her these things if they are not what you really want. That is a recipe for unhappiness.

I don't think that gentleman's quote told him to do it ONLY if the OP would not have regrets. His bolded message I will agree with completely. All the preparations in the world one makes is never a guarantee that they are ready to have children. Hey we can argue about the many unplanned pregnancies that happen in Ireland and the many do come out ok. They certainly were not ready and managed fine.

OP, from reading your post, I sense that you really don't love her. The only thing that you mention is that she is nice and we get on fine. I think the Dalai Lama is a nice bloke and I am sure many get on fine with him but I certainly not interested marrying him or having his babies. From the way you describe her, I do not thing you see a future with her. The way you talk about her family and her upbrining rang alarm bells. I think you have admitted subconsciously that you are not compatible with her. You say she is nice and you do not want to hurt her. I think staying in this relationship you are hurting her (and yourself). End it now for her sake and yours.