Brother is a Nightmare

OldNotWIse

Not sure if this is the right section, mod feel free to move.

Basically, am experiencing a lot of problems with my brother and things have sort of come to a head. He's 32 and still living at home. Has never had a girlfriend and essentially looks like he's going to be living in the family home for the rest of his life. I dont know how we've both had the same upbringing and yet we are so different. He is your stereotypical passive aggressive bully. He has no respect for women (he goes on sex holidays to Thailand twice per year). He just about respects my Father but he has zero respect for my Mother and me. He is also an alcoholic. I worry about what would happen to my Mother if I were to move out and something happened to my Dad.

Parents are away at the moment and I have gone out of my way to get on well with him while they are gone as its just the two of us in the house. I've bitten my tongue when he's unreasonable (demanding his washing be done etc) and even though our cat had an accident and has needed visits to the vet every second day, I have been paying a neighbour for lifts and paying vet bills myself..because I just want an easy life! I've been doing all the work in the house etc but I didn't mind that as it's easier to do it yourself than ask him. Last Sunday morning he came home absolutely out of his mind with drink. He slammed in the front door and started swearing and screaming at the dog (a 7kilo jack russell ffs), shouting, "what are you doin' here you f*cking c*nt!!" etc to her. He then demanded ten euro off me for a taxi but I had been robbed in town so didn't have it. He barged past me into my bedroom where my gf was getting changed, and saw her naked. He was banging around and shouting and screaming profanities (so much so that I brought all the pets into my bedroom as he has a violent temper and I didnt trust him not to give one of them a kick), put a chair against the door and my and the gf stayed in the room for the rest of the night as we were too afraid to go out.


The thing is, I really want to tell my parents so that they can try to sort him out (and I think its ridiculous that I pay rent and half the mortgage only to have to barricade myself into my own room - I could rent my own apartment for the same money and not have to put up with his rubbish) but I dont want to upset them. Also, if I move out, my parents would be down 220 per week, which they cant afford. Am I right to keep his behaviour from them? he's always carried on like this when they are away and I think sometimes that through keeping quiet (to protect them), I have just facilitated his ridiculous behaviour. He's also the type of guy that thinks if you are nice to him, that he can walk all over you.

Dont know what to do... I want to spare my parents but my Dad is the only person my brother will listen to.

Plek Trum

OP - firstly, I can nearly guarantee you that none of this is ever going to change unless your parents decide to call time on your brother and make him get out of the house, find a job or even start showing some respect around the place.

I have a similar situation in my life and after years of what you have described above I realised for my sanity and my own future I had to accept that if my parents wanted to put up with that under their own roof then that was THEIR decision - I couldnt call the shots any longer and keep repeating myself until I was frustrated and heartbroken.

My quickest advice is that you should move out, find a place you can call home with peace of mind and security, where you and your girlfriend can relax without the threat of an unpredictable bully around. Why are you paying BOTH rent and towards your parents mortgage?? Thats a huge amount of money per week for you to be paying and NOT even have your own sense of well being contentment.

Its your parents house I presume? You have to make a decision on YOUR life, not your brothers, not your parents. No one will thank you for staying put. Move out, get on with your life, keep your parents close and visit regularly, but do NOT make his issues your own. Moving out doesnt mean you dont love them - it means you respect yourself enough to get on with your own life and not live this way anylonger.

Best of luck with it - think of your future, you will have to leave home at some stage so why not now?

LegacyUser

Move out. Don't let this bully hold you to ransom, it is your life. Your parents also need to stand up to him once and for all. WTF are they thinking? He seriously needs a reality check and it's not up to you to dole it out to him. If that was my child acting like that, he'd be out on his ear - there's no way he'd disrespect me like that.

BTW, you're paying €880 a month to live in this environment?! I'd be out of there like a shot... that is insane! Are you going to continue living under your parents' roof forever because you feel guilty that they'll miss your rent money?! Seriously... and sorry if this sounds mean... but you need to start being a bit more assertive about your life. I know what it's like to live with an emotional bully - my own brother was an absolute asshole when we were growing up - but you're in control of your own life here, so move out.

LegacyUser

OP has your brother ever been tested for autistic spectrum disorders such as Aspergers? I am saying this because your description of your brother sounds identical to mine (Minus the alcoholism). My brother (He is 21) is currently getting tested for these and his behaviour is so similar to what you are describing. Lives at home, no job, never had a girlfriend and has the same attitude towards women as your brother. My other 2 brothers (18 and 23) have been brought up the exact same and have none of these traits. It's like he doesn't understand where everyone's frustration is coming from when he refuses to contribute to the household.
I really feel for you as I am in a very similar situation to yourself (living at home with my 5 year old daughter). With my brother anyone can be a target for his rants, even my daughter! My parents do keep quiet for an easy life and I think there is an element of guilt that if he does have a disorder, it took them so long to figure it out so he gets away with it. It is a horrible situation to be in, but I think for your own sake you will need to break free, there is no excuse for living in fear in your own home

Beruthiel

OldNotWIse wrote: »

I want to spare my parents but my Dad is the only person my brother will listen to.

You're not in charge of your brother or how he behaves.
Your parents are the ones who need to take charge of the situation, it is their home and it is entirely down to them whither they wish to live with the situation as it is, or not.

Were I in your situation, I would move out and live my own life.
Living with such stress is not worth it.

OldNotWIse

Plek Trum wrote: »

OP - firstly, I can nearly guarantee you that none of this is ever going to change unless your parents decide to call time on your brother and make him get out of the house, find a job or even start showing some respect around the place.

I have a similar situation in my life and after years of what you have described above I realised for my sanity and my own future I had to accept that if my parents wanted to put up with that under their own roof then that was THEIR decision - I couldnt call the shots any longer and keep repeating myself until I was frustrated and heartbroken.

My quickest advice is that you should move out, find a place you can call home with peace of mind and security, where you and your girlfriend can relax without the threat of an unpredictable bully around. Why are you paying BOTH rent and towards your parents mortgage?? Thats a huge amount of money per week for you to be paying and NOT even have your own sense of well being contentment.

Its your parents house I presume? You have to make a decision on YOUR life, not your brothers, not your parents. No one will thank you for staying put. Move out, get on with your life, keep your parents close and visit regularly, but do NOT make his issues your own. Moving out doesnt mean you dont love them - it means you respect yourself enough to get on with your own life and not live this way anylonger.

Best of luck with it - think of your future, you will have to leave home at some stage so why not now?

I know, its ridiculous right? I've just sort of got stuck in a rut and also I have so many pets that I couldn't move to an apartment but dont want to leave behind. You're right it's ridiculous that they are all deciding to play happy families and I am sacrificing my own happiness to facilitate that. I sometimes joke to my friends that the carpets in my parents house are up to the ceiling now because they sweep everything under them. They will gladly gloss of major issues and cracks but yet make a big deal about all of us going out together to play happy families. That's a topic for another day I think lol. They even glossed over the fact that I was abused as a child (it came out when I was in my late teens). I know I told them that I "never wanted to talk about it again" but isn't that the normal reaction of a teenager whose parents have just found out something like this? They should have insisted that I go to counselling etc but they were happy to brush that under the carpet aswell.

hjjjh wrote: »

Move out. Don't let this bully hold you to ransom, it is your life. Your parents also need to stand up to him once and for all. WTF are they thinking? He seriously needs a reality check and it's not up to you to dole it out to him. If that was my child acting like that, he'd be out on his ear - there's no way he'd disrespect me like that.

BTW, you're paying €880 a month to live in this environment?! I'd be out of there like a shot... that is insane! Are you going to continue living under your parents' roof forever because you feel guilty that they'll miss your rent money?! Seriously... and sorry if this sounds mean... but you need to start being a bit more assertive about your life. I know what it's like to live with an emotional bully - my own brother was an absolute asshole when we were growing up - but you're in control of your own life here, so move out.

Yup crazy amount of money (considering I earn less than 2k per month anyway) but they are on supplementary welfare and I know they really rely on the money. It is ridiculous though, and actually it will probably affect my relationship with them as I can feel myself starting to resent it already. My mother happily turns a blind eye to the amount of debt I have because she doesn't want to know (I suppose in case she feels bad for taking the money every week)

indi123 wrote: »

OP has your brother ever been tested for autistic spectrum disorders such as Aspergers? I am saying this because your description of your brother sounds identical to mine (Minus the alcoholism). My brother (He is 21) is currently getting tested for these and his behaviour is so similar to what you are describing. Lives at home, no job, never had a girlfriend and has the same attitude towards women as your brother. My other 2 brothers (18 and 23) have been brought up the exact same and have none of these traits. It's like he doesn't understand where everyone's frustration is coming from when he refuses to contribute to the household.
I really feel for you as I am in a very similar situation to yourself (living at home with my 5 year old daughter). With my brother anyone can be a target for his rants, even my daughter! My parents do keep quiet for an easy life and I think there is an element of guilt that if he does have a disorder, it took them so long to figure it out so he gets away with it. It is a horrible situation to be in, but I think for your own sake you will need to break free, there is no excuse for living in fear in your own home

This is interesting, not something I thought of. I wonder how I could bring this up with my parents? My brother is adopted so we dont know about family medical history. It must be really hard being in that situation with a child. I was worried about my dog getting a tongue lashing (or kick) on Sunday so I can't imagine the stress of having a child in that situation

OldNotWIse

Beruthiel wrote: »

You're not in charge of your brother or how he behaves.
Your parents are the ones who need to take charge of the situation, it is their home and it is entirely down to them whither they wish to live with the situation as it is, or not.

Were I in your situation, I would move out and live my own life.
Living with such stress is not worth it.

True. The problem is, they dont see as much of this side as I do. When my Dad is around he tends to behave but as soon as they leave he turns into a chauvanistic pr1ck. I sometimes wonder if they think I am exagerating about his behaviour.

Beruthiel

OldNotWIse wrote: »

The problem is, they dont see as much of this side as I do.

Is the problem not solved then, if you move out?

curlzy

OP,

I have 2 cats, a snake, a pygmy hedgehog and 2 guinea pigs and I rent a house. Having lots of pets doesn't mean you're stuck there or have to give up your pets, it just means you have to look harder for somewhere to live. You could look for other pet owners that want to house share. You could get a 3 bedroom house for around €1K per month in Dublin if you look around, if you rent out the box room for €120 per month that’s the same as what you're already paying, although 120 p/m is way too low to ask for.

Honestly OP, I really understand that you feel trapped but I suspect it's more that you're using the excuse of being trapped rather than actually BEING trapped? Like if you say "oh I can't move because of pets, parents and x, y & z" then you won't have to make the hard decision to actually move out.

At the end of the day you are perfectly entitled to move out. It's your parents that have allowed this and it's up to them to sort it out so I wouldn't feel too guilty if I were you.

Also if I were your GF and your misogynistic brother (that flies to Thailand for "sex holidays" twice a year, Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww) was barging in while I got changed I wouldn't be your girlfriend for much longer. If you haven’t already, I suggest you very seriously apologise to her for that, I wouldn’t be able to get over the fact that a dirty woman-hating misogynist had seen me naked and I’d be very very upset.

LegacyUser

I can understand why you are reluctant to move out. There is the financial element, but you are also justifiably probably feeling like you are abandoning your mother at the hands of your brother. I would perhaps ask your dad to have a word with your brother when he is sober and in a good mood (rare with my bro) and ask him to see his GP. Common sense has no resonance with my brother anyway, and we have often had to tiptoe around him to do things that are for his own good!

It has caused major issues in my family anyway since my daughter came along, as before that everyone just put up with his behaviour, but when he started having a full blown argument with a 3 year old over the tv I had to step in. My financial situation has improved slightly in the last few months so I hope to be moving out soon, but I can 100% see why you are still there.

My advice would be to just take the plunge. More than likely (whether you want to hear it or not) when your parents get too old to put up with your brother, you will be back here feeling the guilt of how to deal with him when he has nobody else to look after him. I know that is what I feel will happen with my bro anyway, so get out and build your own life while you can!

OldNotWIse

curlzy wrote: »

OP,

I have 2 cats, a hedgehog, a snake, a pygmy hedgehog and 2 guinea pigs and I rent a house. Having lots of pets doesn't mean you're stuck there or have to give up your pets, it just means you have to look harder for somewhere to live. You could look for other pet owners that want to house share. You could get a 3 bedroom house for around €1K per month in Dublin if you look around, if you rent out the box room for €120 per month that’s the same as what you're already paying, although 120 p/m is way too low to ask for.

Honestly OP, I really understand that you feel trapped but I suspect it's more that you're using the excuse of being trapped rather than actually BEING trapped? Like if you say "oh I can't move because of pets, parents and x, y & z" then you won't have to make the hard decision to actually move out.

At the end of the day you are perfectly entitled to move out. It's your parents that have allowed this and it's up to them to sort it out so I wouldn't feel too guilty if I were you.

Also if I were your GF and your misogynistic brother (that flies to Thailand for "sex holidays" twice a year, Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww) was barging in while I got changed I wouldn't be your girlfriend for much longer. If you haven’t already, I suggest you very seriously apologise to her for that, I wouldn’t be able to get over the fact that a dirty woman-hating misogynist had seen me naked and I’d be very very upset.

Wow I thought I had a lot of animals until I read your post I'm not looking for an excuse to stay. I am genuinely worried about my parents financial situ - I've lived away from home before (for 5 years). I apologised to my gf but she just shrugged it off and said, "he's drunk, he wont even remember what he saw, and its not your fault that he behaves this way"). I know the sex holiday thing is gross. I remember having an argument with my parents before about this (and the fact that he can do this while living under their roof) and they more or less said he was an adult and could do what he wanted. I was disgusted. How would they feel if that was their daughter/sister etc?

curlzy

OP,

You are not your parents keeper. Move out, move out, move out times a million billion trillion:D. They survived without you before for 5 years, they will again. Stop putting their happiness ahead of your own, no one will thank you for it and you're really just enabling this crap. Seriously move out away from that scummer.

Best of luck

p.s your girlfriend sounds great, keep her .

OldNotWIse

curlzy wrote: »

OP,

You are not your parents keeper. Move out, move out, move out times a million billion trillion:D. They survived without you before for 5 years, they will again. Stop putting their happiness ahead of your own, no one will thank you for it and you're really just enabling this crap. Seriously move out away from that scummer.

Best of luck

p.s your girlfriend sounds great, keep her .

Yeah she's great. Gonna try my best to keep her I suppose if I moved out I could still pay half the mortgage (as I do at the moment) so they wouldn't be down that much. Baffles me to be honest, it was my brother who took over the mortgage a few years ago as my parents were struggling and then all of a sudden a few months ago he "could no longer afford it" so I had to go in halves on it... yet he can still afford to go out and get ossified when he wants... hmmm

OldNotWIse

indi123 wrote: »

I can understand why you are reluctant to move out. There is the financial element, but you are also justifiably probably feeling like you are abandoning your mother at the hands of your brother. I would perhaps ask your dad to have a word with your brother when he is sober and in a good mood (rare with my bro) and ask him to see his GP. Common sense has no resonance with my brother anyway, and we have often had to tiptoe around him to do things that are for his own good!

It has caused major issues in my family anyway since my daughter came along, as before that everyone just put up with his behaviour, but when he started having a full blown argument with a 3 year old over the tv I had to step in. My financial situation has improved slightly in the last few months so I hope to be moving out soon, but I can 100% see why you are still there.

My advice would be to just take the plunge. More than likely (whether you want to hear it or not) when your parents get too old to put up with your brother, you will be back here feeling the guilt of how to deal with him when he has nobody else to look after him. I know that is what I feel will happen with my bro anyway, so get out and build your own life while you can!

Some good points alright. I think having a word with my Dad is definitely the way to go. I am at the same time both angry with my parents for facilitating and enabling this ridiculous behaviour, and also full of sympathy for them because I know they just want a happy, peaceful family life (they both came from families with high levels of conflict) It's hard to reconcile the 2 feelings, I tend to swing from one extreme to the other :rolleyes:

tbh when my parents are gone, I really dont think I will have anything more to do with my brother. I just about tolerate him for my parents sake but we have never gone beyond that "annoying older brother" thing and no matter how hard I try, we just do not like each other. It sounds terrible but I have never felt any closeness towards him. I hate him and I just tolerate him to keep my parents happy. I've already resigned myself to the idea that when my paretns die, I wont have any family left.

Faith

OP, you're enabling all of their behaviours by not only putting up with it, but facilitating it by paying rent AND the mortgage. Why don't your GF and yourself rent a place together? Between the two of you, you'll surely be paying less than €880 a month, and you can still contribute some to the mortgage if you feel the need.

It's up to your parents to sort out their own lives. They're adults too. It's THEIR place to force your brother to contribute, not yours. While you're there, there's no incentive for them to force him to do anything.

Bottom line: Get out, look after yourself first, and then from a distance you can decide what you need to do to help them out financially.

OldNotWIse

Faith wrote: »

OP, you're enabling all of their behaviours by not only putting up with it, but facilitating it by paying rent AND the mortgage. Why don't your GF and yourself rent a place together? Between the two of you, you'll surely be paying less than €880 a month, and you can still contribute some to the mortgage if you feel the need.

It's up to your parents to sort out their own lives. They're adults too. It's THEIR place to force your brother to contribute, not yours. While you're there, there's no incentive for them to force him to do anything.

Bottom line: Get out, look after yourself first, and then from a distance you can decide what you need to do to help them out financially.

I dont think we're at that stage yet (together just over a year) but tbh I think I would be happier living by myself (and be able to have her over for dinner etc a few nights). I've seen what moving in together too soon can do to a relationship.

I see your point re the mortgage. I feel sorry for them as I think they facilitate my brothers behaviour bc they feel somewhat under a compliment bc he's paying it.

tinkerbell

OP I think you are mad to be putting up with this crap when you are handing over €880 a month, that is crazy. You should be telling your parents about your brother's ridiculous behaviour and that if things don't change, you will be moving out.

thefeatheredcat

Was he like this in the 5 years while you lived away? As in the way he targets you (and the pets) did he treat your parents the same way? Even if they haven't talked about it, have they ever hinted this was the case?

Let your folks know this is his behaviour, that it is the way he has been in the past when they've been away and talk things out. If you're worried about the sort of treatment your parents and especially your mother will get, leave some phone numbers of agencies that might be able to help deal with any verbal or physical abuse or threats of any sort. Citizens Information would have some leaflets on areas like this, even the Samaritans might be able to recommend some and certainly on the stickies here.

Your brother is effectively targeting you and pets to bully you, be verbally abusive and on borderline being physically abusive towards you. If you're not there, then whoever and whatever is weakest to him is the target. Like furniture. Like pets. Like your parents. If you're worried about your parents' well being and safety, I would definitely get advise and keep open contact to them if you choose to move out. If you're worried about the financial end then have an honest talk with your parents.

In the meantime, for your own happiness a toxic environment like that is never going to be fulfilling. When your parents are next away and you're not living there, there isn't anyone to pick up after him and the guilt of having to deal with family pets (if they are not all yours) might cause him to wake him up. I'm sure if he wrecks the house he'll be found out soon enough.

I have a brother who can be like this, took out his issues and anger on the furniture (never pets though) and was verbally abusive all the time to my parents (he lives at home with them) and it got to the point that he got physically violent when I stood up to him and his abuse.

It's the kind of antagonistic abuse that takes a lot more strength to walk away from than engage with, which is exactly what anyone who goes about antagonizing another is looking for. The easiest way to deal with them is simply walk away and don't give them what they're looking for. That's part of it and then when they look to engage you personally on their terms while in good moods, just withdraw.

Moving out should be your highest priority for yourself and your happiness.

OldNotWIse

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

Was he like this in the 5 years while you lived away? As in the way he targets you (and the pets) did he treat your parents the same way? Even if they haven't talked about it, have they ever hinted this was the case?

Let your folks know this is his behaviour, that it is the way he has been in the past when they've been away and talk things out. If you're worried about the sort of treatment your parents and especially your mother will get, leave some phone numbers of agencies that might be able to help deal with any verbal or physical abuse or threats of any sort. Citizens Information would have some leaflets on areas like this, even the Samaritans might be able to recommend some and certainly on the stickies here.

Your brother is effectively targeting you and pets to bully you, be verbally abusive and on borderline being physically abusive towards you. If you're not there, then whoever and whatever is weakest to him is the target. Like furniture. Like pets. Like your parents. If you're worried about your parents' well being and safety, I would definitely get advise and keep open contact to them if you choose to move out. If you're worried about the financial end then have an honest talk with your parents.

In the meantime, for your own happiness a toxic environment like that is never going to be fulfilling. When your parents are next away and you're not living there, there isn't anyone to pick up after him and the guilt of having to deal with family pets (if they are not all yours) might cause him to wake him up. I'm sure if he wrecks the house he'll be found out soon enough.

I have a brother who can be like this, took out his issues and anger on the furniture (never pets though) and was verbally abusive all the time to my parents (he lives at home with them) and it got to the point that he got physically violent when I stood up to him and his abuse.

It's the kind of antagonistic abuse that takes a lot more strength to walk away from than engage with, which is exactly what anyone who goes about antagonizing another is looking for. The easiest way to deal with them is simply walk away and don't give them what they're looking for. That's part of it and then when they look to engage you personally on their terms while in good moods, just withdraw.

Moving out should be your highest priority for yourself and your happiness.

Thanks for the reply. Your post hit a nerve with me when you mentioned about who he might target when I am not there. I have sometimes suspected that he hits the dog (or shouts at her) when I am not there. I have noticed that she doesn't have a lot of time for him, and I caught him once pointing his finger at her and shouting "bang!" and she lay on her back. I know some people would think this is simply a cute trick but it's not one I had seen in her before and she certainly looked fearful. A dog only lies on its back as a sign of submission. A few weeks ago (when parents were away) I took the dog for a walk before work then left her in my bedroom (she loves sleeping on my bed) while I went to work. When my brother collected me from the bus that evening I asked how the dog was and his reply was, "you tell me, I haven't seen her all day". Now, by his own admission, he had been in and out of my bedroom to check on the cat (who had an accident recently and is crated for a number of weeks to allow pins to set in his leg), and yet he hadn't seen the dog. When I went home, she was in my room. The fact that she clearly went out of her way to hide from him speaks volumes. What does he do to her when I am not there? I have touched on these suspicions before with my mother and her reply is always, "ah he loves that dog sure doesn't he take her for walks?".

My Mother has always been very needy when it comes to her children, refusing to let us grow up. I went out of my way to rebe and be my own person as a teen and broke away from them sufficiently but my brother did not. (For example, my Mother will stay make him a sandwich and glass of milk before he goes out drinking so he wont get too drunk). He does no work in the house and her response is "well he cuts the grass" (twice ayear :mad:) and whenever I say anything about him I am seen as the baddy who has it in for him. He clearly picks on myself and my mother because we are women, and just about respects my Dad (reluctantly)

Move out and take the dog with you
no helpless creature should be subject to that abuse :mad:
and neither should you

your parents are adults not children and if they want to deal with that useless lump of a brother it's their choice
tell them you are leaving, tell them why, and then leave

OldNotWIse

bluewolf wrote: »

Move out and take the dog with you
no helpless creature should be subject to that abuse :mad:
and neither should you

your parents are adults not children and if they want to deal with that useless lump of a brother it's their choice
tell them you are leaving, tell them why, and then leave

I know they are not children and it's not my responsibility etc but I will still feel so guilty leaving them there. It's not like they are just flatmates who are being silly. They are my parents. They are elderly. And I love them. I would prefer if he left to be honest. I think its the kick up he arse he needs.

Edit: I dont know how he treats the dog. I was thinking of setting up a camera or something to see what goes on. For the most part, I suspect he ignores her, as he does most things that aren't anything to do with his job, car and holidays.

I have made up my mind to definitely talk to my parents when they are home. I will tell them what he did at the weekend and say that unless they sort him out, I will be moving. The fact that he violated my partner's privacy the way he did means I have very strong grounds. Though tbh I dont hold out much hope. I was abroad a few years ago with my ex (was my gf of 3 years at the time) and my family and my brother got drunk one night and hit on her in front of me. I told my Dad about it and he just ignored it and never even told my Mother. I know he has an issue with me being gay also (not that its any of his business). He seems incapable of understanding the concept of being gay, and he thinks any woman I take home is fair game. You wonder what would happen if he did that to the gf of a straight male sibling! So yeah I will talk to my parents but I really dont hold out much hope. They have spent so much of their lives letting things go for "an easy life" that they cannot possibly work their way back now.

They are your parents who have no respect for you and think your partner is "fair game" ffs. They didn't sound too elderly then.
Let that override any guilt you might feel. For your own mental health and self respect you need to get out of there again

OldNotWIse

bluewolf wrote: »

They are your parents who have no respect for you and think your partner is "fair game" ffs. They didn't sound too elderly then.
Let that override any guilt you might feel. For your own mental health and self respect you need to get out of there again

No that was my brother I was talking about who thinks that Sorry about the confusion Why would I lie about them being elderly??

OldNotWIse

OldNotWIse wrote: »

No that was my brother I was talking about who thinks that Sorry about the confusion Why would I lie about them being elderly??

It sounded like your dad was hitting on her, so I was saying he didn't sound too elderly if he was! not that you were lying

anyway the first step is talking to them and making it clear you're moving out if you have to because this can't go on
if they refuse to listen you have your answer

OldNotWIse

bluewolf wrote: »

It sounded like your dad was hitting on her, so I was saying he didn't sound too elderly if he was! not that you were lying

anyway the first step is talking to them and making it clear you're moving out if you have to because this can't go on
if they refuse to listen you have your answer

eeeewwww lol, (though I suppose brother doing it is not a million miles away )

Plek Trum

OP - I replied to your post yesterday and had to pop in here today to have another read. I really can't encourage you enough to try and put yourself first in all of this. It doesnt make you a bad person - it makes you a sane and mature person who values a 'normal' standard of living (e.g peace of mind) in their own home.

Your parents will not thank you for staying put.
Your brother will not thank you for staying put.
Why are you committing 880euro a month to a house that is in your parents name?
Have you any guarantee that the house will be left to you if you are paying the mortgage?

In my situation I had to swallow the harsh reality that although I was the one who went to college (paid myself), always held a job, helped my parents with bills, bought them gift / holidays when possible etc, they had decided to leave the family home to my brother. He is simlilar to your own and to be honest, worse even. Their reasoning "sure he'd never be able to keep a place on his own, pay bills, buy food etc, we couldnt see him like that" He is now reaching 40 and has yet to contribute ONE CENT to the running of the house including food etc, my parents are early 60's both working while he doesnt work, drives around, has a fancy laptop, Sky tv with a flat screen tv in his room etc etc. I could go on, but this is your thread.. ;0)

I spent years frustrated, confused, heartbroken and wanting everything to be right for my parents to the extent that I was becoming alienated from them as, in my mind, they simply couldnt see the true situation, that he was a free loading bully.

After much exploration I realised that they were well aware, but like your family, prefer not to have to deal with it. This is their choice. If your brother can afford 2 sex holidays a year to Thailand, he can well afford to contribute something per week to the household.

My two cents and without seeming harsh - clarify what you are getting for your 880Euro a month. If the house is not going to be yours then you HAVE to make a decision - are you going to stay put trying to make things right for your parents whom you obviously love and respect OR are you going to become a productive independant and healthy adult who is planning for her own future and deserves contentment and peace of mind.

I really wish you well and fully appreciate the predicament you are in and how hard it is to be torn between trying to 'fix' everything for your parents and the torment an abusive sibling brings.

I would contact MABS ect and do some background research on your parents situation, even just hypothetically. People are finding it hard to pay mortgages all over the country and there are methods and negotiable pathways to alter repaymeents to help people in situations such as your folks. If it is not your house, you really shouldnt be paying their mortgage especially at that amount. And without being extra rude - if your parents can afford to go away, then maybe it shouldnt be left all to you?

The only way forward and to deal with this is for you to begin your own life - and that is a perfectly normal, healthy and correct thing to do. You are not letting anyone down by moving on, you are simply doing what everyone does at a certain age.

You deserve peace of mind, security and contentment - no one in your family is going to do that for you (they havent done thus far, and I apologise if that seems rude, I dont mean to be). Your situation is very similar to my own and if its not against charter rules, if you want to PM me then please do.

Best of luck, x

PS - I have a great, loving and healthy relation ship with my parents! They respect my decisons, I don't talk about or to him and if anything does arise in conversation with my parents about my brother I say kindly and simply -'I understand Mum, and its your house and your decisions, I cant tell you what to do". Parents are adults - don't forget that and dont underestimate their ability to make changes - if thats what they decide to do.

Taltos

Plek Trum - please don't ask the OP to PM you, that is considered quite a serious breach of our charter and is as much to protect you as it is them.

Thanks
Taltos

analucija

Are you parents on holidays? You and your brother are paying mortgage and you are getting into debt because of it, I do hope that them being away doesn't mean some costly holiday. Secondly if you move out and your brother pays the full mortgage again then he won't have money to travel to Thailand twice per year.

Your brother seems a jerk but besides not doing house work, being loud and aggressive and shouting at dog, you don't state anywhere that he was phisically violent. I sometimes shout at dog but that doesn't mean I abuse him. You might be right about your brother but at the moment you seem to be the only one having problems with him. Your parents could kick him out but don't want to because of their own financial problems or because some other reason. How long is this paying of mortgage going on anyway? They didn't tell him to move out in let say 2005 when economy was still booming and he was 25 and well capable of living on his own.

Stop playing victim. You don't want to move out because you are worried for your parents safety, then because you have pets, then because you are paying for the mortgage. At the same time you have no problems your brother taking your dog for a walk although he might be abusive towards it. It seems very strange situation when nobody in the family wants to step up to their responsibilities. Your parents are happy for you to be paying mortgage to their home. Your brother seems to be happy for mammy taking care of him. And you seem to be unhapy but also unwilling to do anything. And secretly filming how your brother treats the dog is not doing something.

OldNotWIse

Plek Trum wrote: »

OP - I replied to your post yesterday and had to pop in here today to have another read. I really can't encourage you enough to try and put yourself first in all of this. It doesnt make you a bad person - it makes you a sane and mature person who values a 'normal' standard of living (e.g peace of mind) in their own home.

Your parents will not thank you for staying put.
Your brother will not thank you for staying put.
Why are you committing 880euro a month to a house that is in your parents name?
Have you any guarantee that the house will be left to you if you are paying the mortgage?

In my situation I had to swallow the harsh reality that although I was the one who went to college (paid myself), always held a job, helped my parents with bills, bought them gift / holidays when possible etc, they had decided to leave the family home to my brother. He is simlilar to your own and to be honest, worse even. Their reasoning "sure he'd never be able to keep a place on his own, pay bills, buy food etc, we couldnt see him like that" He is now reaching 40 and has yet to contribute ONE CENT to the running of the house including food etc, my parents are early 60's both working while he doesnt work, drives around, has a fancy laptop, Sky tv with a flat screen tv in his room etc etc. I could go on, but this is your thread.. ;0)

I spent years frustrated, confused, heartbroken and wanting everything to be right for my parents to the extent that I was becoming alienated from them as, in my mind, they simply couldnt see the true situation, that he was a free loading bully.

After much exploration I realised that they were well aware, but like your family, prefer not to have to deal with it. This is their choice. If your brother can afford 2 sex holidays a year to Thailand, he can well afford to contribute something per week to the household.

My two cents and without seeming harsh - clarify what you are getting for your 880Euro a month. If the house is not going to be yours then you HAVE to make a decision - are you going to stay put trying to make things right for your parents whom you obviously love and respect OR are you going to become a productive independant and healthy adult who is planning for her own future and deserves contentment and peace of mind.

I really wish you well and fully appreciate the predicament you are in and how hard it is to be torn between trying to 'fix' everything for your parents and the torment an abusive sibling brings.

I would contact MABS ect and do some background research on your parents situation, even just hypothetically. People are finding it hard to pay mortgages all over the country and there are methods and negotiable pathways to alter repaymeents to help people in situations such as your folks. If it is not your house, you really shouldnt be paying their mortgage especially at that amount. And without being extra rude - if your parents can afford to go away, then maybe it shouldnt be left all to you?

The only way forward and to deal with this is for you to begin your own life - and that is a perfectly normal, healthy and correct thing to do. You are not letting anyone down by moving on, you are simply doing what everyone does at a certain age.

You deserve peace of mind, security and contentment - no one in your family is going to do that for you (they havent done thus far, and I apologise if that seems rude, I dont mean to be). Your situation is very similar to my own and if its not against charter rules, if you want to PM me then please do.

Best of luck, x

PS - I have a great, loving and healthy relation ship with my parents! They respect my decisons, I don't talk about or to him and if anything does arise in conversation with my parents about my brother I say kindly and simply -'I understand Mum, and its your house and your decisions, I cant tell you what to do". Parents are adults - don't forget that and dont underestimate their ability to make changes - if thats what they decide to do.

Thanks so much for taking the time to send such a lengthy post I think I have just seen a flash forward to my future :rolleyes: When you said what your Mum said about how he cannot afford his own house etc, that sounds exactly like something my mother would say. As it is, when my brother took over the mortgage (which was 200k), the house was valued at 1 million (back in the day of ridiculous property prices) so they change dthe will to reflect this, saying that he will get "200k OR 20%" - whichever is greatest. This now means that (since the house is prob worth around 500 at best) he will be getting 200k instead of 20% of 500k (ie he cannot possibly lose), plus his 50%. My parents dont know I found the new will, and I am unsure how to bring it up with them. I can already see the "We have to look after our son, our daughter is managing fine" element

analucija

OldNotWIse wrote: »

AS it is, when my brother took over the mortgage (which was 200k), the house was valued at 1 million (back in the day of ridiculous property prices) so they change dthe will to reflect this, saying that he will get "200k OR 20%" - whichever is greatest. This now means that (since the house is prob worth around 500 at best) he will be getting 200k instead of 20% of 500k (ie he cannot possibly lose), plus his 50%. My parents dont know I found the new will, and I am unsure how to bring it up with them. I can already see the "We have to look after our son, our daughter is managing fine" element

There is nothing wrong with him getting 200k if it was agreed (it is a loan to your parents in a way) and if only he is paying the mortgage. But why are you now paying part of the mortgage for your brother???!!!

OldNotWIse

analucija wrote: »

Are you parents on holidays? You and your brother are paying mortgage and you are getting into debt because of it, I do hope that them being away doesn't mean some costly holiday. Secondly if you move out and your brother pays the full mortgage again then he won't have money to travel to Thailand twice per year.

Your brother seems a jerk but besides not doing house work, being loud and aggressive and shouting at dog, you don't state anywhere that he was phisically violent. I sometimes shout at dog but that doesn't mean I abuse him. You might be right about your brother but at the moment you seem to be the only one having problems with him. Your parents could kick him out but don't want to because of their own financial problems or because some other reason. How long is this paying of mortgage going on anyway? They didn't tell him to move out in let say 2005 when economy was still booming and he was 25 and well capable of living on his own.

Stop playing victim. You don't want to move out because you are worried for your parents safety, then because you have pets, then because you are paying for the mortgage. At the same time you have no problems your brother taking your dog for a walk although he might be abusive towards it. It seems very strange situation when nobody in the family wants to step up to their responsibilities. Your parents are happy for you to be paying mortgage to their home. Your brother seems to be happy for mammy taking care of him. And you seem to be unhapy but also unwilling to do anything. And secretly filming how your brother treats the dog is not doing something.

These are my reasons, I dont have to justify them. I am simply being honest about my reservations regarding moving out. I am not "unwilling to do something" I am trying to figure out a course of action. It's easy to be objective and judge other people when you are on the outside looking in. And no I am not playing the victim role, I am describing the situation as it is. Nowhere did I say that my parents are forcing me to stay. I am well aware that has been MY decision up until this point.

OldNotWIse

analucija wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with him getting 200k if it was agreed (it is a loan to your parents in a way) and if only he is paying the mortgage. But why are you now paying part of the mortgage for your brother???!!!

At the risk of another bashing, because he told them a few months ago that he could no longer afford the full repayments as he had taken a cut in his salary, and they asked if I would be in a position to step in (at 50%)

analucija

OldNotWIse wrote: »

At the risk of another bashing, because he told them a few months ago that he could no longer afford the full repayments as he had taken a cut in his salary, and they asked if I would be in a position to step in (at 50%)

That is fair enough but then demand a share in his 200K.

And it is not bashing for the sake of bashing but because I sense the only person being unhappy in this situation is you. Not your brother not your parents, you. And it is only up to you if you want to stay unhappy or not.

OldNotWIse

analucija wrote: »

That is fair enough but then demand a share in his 200K.

And it is not bashing for the sake of bashing but because I sense the only person being unhappy in this situation is you. Not your brother not your parents, you. And it is only up to you if you want to stay unhappy or not.

True, I'm tired carrying the can for everyone. Simple.

Squiggler

Are you saying that you are paying your parents 880 a month in rent and paying the mortgage on top of that?

If you are then I think the issue you have should be with your parents and not your brother. That is rediculously high rent to pay for a room in a house, even without paying any extra payments. If they need you injecting that amount of money into the household to survive they shouldn't be taking off on holidays.

Your brother will treat your parents the way the allow him to treat them, and his attitude to women is also something he learned from someone, and probably from an early age. However much you love your parents they are your parents and grown adults who are responsible for themselves and whatever financial situation they've gotten themselves into. You can't change them and it doesn't sound like your current "rescue" is being appreciated or recognised.

I think you should move out and find your own place. You can still help them if you want to, but from a safe distance and on your terms.

Good luck!

neuro-praxis

It sounds like you are stuck in a co-dependent relationship with your parents.

You feel responsible for everything.

You're not responsible for everything.

Time to separate the emotions from the issues.

Move out, move on. Allow your parents and brother to sort out their own affairs and practice living without guilt. You are the only one who can create freedom for yourself here.

curlzy

neuro-praxis wrote: »

It sounds like you are stuck in a co-dependent relationship with your parents.

You feel responsible for everything.

You're not responsible for everything.

Time to separate the emotions from the issues.

Move out, move on. Allow your parents and brother to sort out their own affairs and practice living without guilt. You are the only one who can create freedom for yourself here.

I can't sum it up any better that that.



Honestly OP, I'm trying to not be a total b*tch here but it certainly sounds like you enjoy drama and being a martyr. Do you realise there's no rewards given out for a being an eejit for someone? Because that's precisely what you're doing. You're allowing your whole family to abuse/use you. It sounds to me like no one in your house, not your scummer brother, your mother or your father has ANY respect for you. The thing about your brother hitting on your girlfriends turned my stomach, it's beyond disgusting and really shows how much he respects you. The fact your parents have nothing to say on the matter shows how much they respect you. The fact you stand to get no return for pouring YOUR money into their home says it all.

I may be totally and WAAAAYYYY off the mark here (apologies if I am), but I'm wondering, do you feel guilty for being gay? It's about the only thing that makes sense, perhaps if you feel guilty for being gay maybe that explains why you are willing to take all this crap, like it's justified or something and you deserve it? Just a thought that crossed my mind.

Either way, the choice is yours, continue being an martyr for all 3 of them or grow a pair and move out. Yeah I get it, you're worried about them, pity they don't have the same concern for you, but I'm sure they'll cope.

I mean come on, have a bit of dignity and respect for yourself! Stand up for yourself! You can say it's easy to say looking in, the reason it's easy to say for me it, is because I have a lot of self respect and would never have let it get to this ridiculous level in the first place. I just can't understand how you could have let it go on like this, perhaps some counselling would be good for you?

Best of luck

OldNotWIse

Squiggler wrote: »

Are you saying that you are paying your parents 880 a month in rent and paying the mortgage on top of that?

If you are then I think the issue you have should be with your parents and not your brother. That is rediculously high rent to pay for a room in a house, even without paying any extra payments. If they need you injecting that amount of money into the household to survive they shouldn't be taking off on holidays.

Your brother will treat your parents the way the allow him to treat them, and his attitude to women is also something he learned from someone, and probably from an early age. However much you love your parents they are your parents and grown adults who are responsible for themselves and whatever financial situation they've gotten themselves into. You can't change them and it doesn't sound like your current "rescue" is being appreciated or recognised.

I think you should move out and find your own place. You can still help them if you want to, but from a safe distance and on your terms.

Good luck!

Hi, my rent is 130 per week and mortgage is 90 per week, so 220 per week in total. I underatnad my parents have made some bad decisions (and have had some bad luck) but I guess I always figured they spent their whole lives working hard (well my Dad anyway) so that I could have the best of everything, and now I feel like they deserve a break. My brother is definitely a mystery. I have tried to figure out why he is the way he is. he definitely did not "learn" this behaviour from my Father. my father has absolute respect for women (for everyone) and is someone I would always aspire to be like. Quietly calm, non confrontational but never a pushover. Hard working, respectable family guy who wants for very little. I think my bro is just a freak of nature lol

OldNotWIse

curlzy wrote: »

I can't sum it up any better that that.



Honestly OP, I'm trying to not be a total b*tch here but it certainly sounds like you enjoy drama and being a martyr. Do you realise there's no rewards given out for a being an eejit for someone? Because that's precisely what you're doing. You're allowing your whole family to abuse/use you. It sounds to me like no one in your house, not your scummer brother, your mother or your father has ANY respect for you. The thing about your brother hitting on your girlfriends turned my stomach, it's beyond disgusting and really shows how much he respects you. The fact your parents have nothing to say on the matter shows how much they respect you. The fact you stand to get no return for pouring YOUR money into their home says it all.

I may be totally and WAAAAYYYY off the mark here (apologies if I am), but I'm wondering, do you feel guilty for being gay? It's about the only thing that makes sense, perhaps if you feel guilty for being gay maybe that explains why you are willing to take all this crap, like it's justified or something and you deserve it? Just a thought that crossed my mind.

Either way, the choice is yours, continue being an martyr for all 3 of them or grow a pair and move out. Yeah I get it, you're worried about them, pity they don't have the same concern for you, but I'm sure they'll cope.

I mean come on, have a bit of dignity and respect for yourself! Stand up for yourself! You can say it's easy to say looking in, the reason it's easy to say for me it, is because I have a lot of self respect and would never have let it get to this ridiculous level in the first place. I just can't understand how you could have let it go on like this, perhaps some counselling would be good for you?

Best of luck

No offence but it DID come across as a little bitchy I can see your point but just because I admit something is "hard to do" doesn't necessarily make me a martyr and I in no way enjoy the setup (hence the thread)

The gay thing is way off the mark btw, I dont use my sexuality to scapegoat other issues. I dont feel guilty for being gay - if anything I blame my mother lol just joking, but no its not an issue

The hitting on/having no respect for gf is actuallu probably the thing I am most annoyed about right now. Perhaps my priorities are off but thats what I feel strongest about at the moment. I think he should apologise to her for barging into the room, for a start. It's easy for my Dad to say, "oh yeah I'll have a word with him" and then he'll say, "Oh I'm so sorry dad I wont do that anymore" - we all know how that will end. It would be more valuable if he had to actually swallow his pride and apologise face to face.

Humria

If your parents cannot afford their mortgage there are avenues they could try e.g. MABS, mortgage supplement/allowance, trying to talk to the bank about reconfiguring the mortgage (e.g. interest only for a while) etc. I'm not saying that these will provide the solution but it's worth trying.

Your parents must know that you can't pay the mortgage indefinitely and it seems strange that they seem to be saddling you with this without trying to find another solution.

iguana

OldNotWIse wrote: »

Hi, my rent is 130 per week and mortgage is 90 per week, so 220 per week in total.

You know that's not €880pm right? It's an average of €953pm which is different enough to matter. I know you didn't originally state it was €880pm but you haven't corrected the figure and it might make a difference when you are calculating what a move out will cost you.

OldNotWIse

iguana wrote: »

You know that's not €880pm right? It's an average of €953pm which is different enough to matter. I know you didn't originally state it was €880pm but you haven't corrected the figure and it might make a difference when you are calculating what a move out will cost you.

I know, didn't want to be rude to whoever posted it

Rabbitandcavy

The only way your situation is going to get any better if by moving out, and nothing else anyone can say on here is going to help you unless your willing to take the leap and do it. You have to fly the nest eventually, and become your own person. If you aren't going to do it now, then when are you? You said yourself, your brother is going to stay living there as long as they are putting up with his bull ****, which they are happily doing and have no intention of showing him the door. How long are you going to babysit them for and be taken advantage of?

curlzy

OldNotWIse wrote: »

No offence but it DID come across as a little bitchy I can see your point but just because I admit something is "hard to do" doesn't necessarily make me a martyr and I in no way enjoy the setup (hence the thread)

The gay thing is way off the mark btw, I dont use my sexuality to scapegoat other issues. I dont feel guilty for being gay - if anything I blame my mother lol just joking, but no its not an issue

The hitting on/having no respect for gf is actuallu probably the thing I am most annoyed about right now. Perhaps my priorities are off but thats what I feel strongest about at the moment. I think he should apologise to her for barging into the room, for a start. It's easy for my Dad to say, "oh yeah I'll have a word with him" and then he'll say, "Oh I'm so sorry dad I wont do that anymore" - we all know how that will end. It would be more valuable if he had to actually swallow his pride and apologise face to face.

No offense taken, I thought it might come across b*tchy but I honestly don't know how to say nicely "would you ever cop on"! Sorry about that, but I really cannot get my head around your reasoning or thinking on these matters. With regards guilt/sexuality, I'm glad you didn't take offense, it just seemed to me the only reason you could possibly be taking all this crap, i.e. misplaced guilt.

With regards you brother barging into the room and hitting on your gfs. I have to admit, that's what I find the most disturbing/infuriating tbh. I just can't understand how your brother/mother/father could find that excusable, reasonable or even sane. I mean on what planet do you do that to a sibling?

At the end of the day I still say move out, seriously, life is way too short.

best of luck.

Susie_Q

In fairness, you've been given lots of good, solid advice on this thread by now, by many different posters. It's up to you to make a change now and get out of this situation, though to be honest it really doesn't sound like you're going to do that.

OldNotWIse

Susie_Q wrote: »

In fairness, you've been given lots of good, solid advice on this thread by now, by many different posters. It's up to you to make a change now and get out of this situation, though to be honest it really doesn't sound like you're going to do that.

Oh ok, thanks

OldNotWIse

curlzy wrote: »

No offense taken, I thought it might come across b*tchy but I honestly don't know how to say nicely "would you ever cop on"! Sorry about that, but I really cannot get my head around your reasoning or thinking on these matters. With regards guilt/sexuality, I'm glad you didn't take offense, it just seemed to me the only reason you could possibly be taking all this crap, i.e. misplaced guilt.

With regards you brother barging into the room and hitting on your gfs. I have to admit, that's what I find the most disturbing/infuriating tbh. I just can't understand how your brother/mother/father could find that excusable, reasonable or even sane. I mean on what planet do you do that to a sibling?

At the end of the day I still say move out, seriously, life is way too short.

best of luck.

People are different I guess, nobody can ever truly really understand someone else's thinking, motives, actions etc. I do appreciate the advice though:) Of course I'm not just going to go and move out straight away because "Boards told me to" lol but it's definitely started me thinking along these lines.

I will be talking to my parents about his behaviour when they return. He thinks he has gotten away with it because I am being civil to him until they get home, but I believe its better to discuss these things after one has calmed down.

Life IS short, and seems to pass by faster the older we get!

Taltos

Susie_Q - Please review our charter - folk posting to PI/RI sometimes do so as they have no-one else to talk to.
If you cannot remain at least civil please refrain from posting as this breaches our charter.

Taltos

aidan24326

You know something OP? You're being taken for a ride here by the lot of them and you know it. So stand up for yourself and do what's best for yourself for once and for all.

If your parents choose to turn a blind eye and let this cretin carry on the way he does well then I'm afraid that's their problem not yours. Maybe that sounds harsh but that's the fact of the matter.

You say you don't want to cause trouble for your parents financially etc but you know what? It doesn't sound to me like they are too bothered about your situation or your problems right now, and are happy to just keep taking your money (and lots of it) while your useless brother goes out and gets drunk and contributes nothing. Find your own place and MOVE OUT.

Really I can't believe your parents are happy to bleed you dry like that. You don't owe them a living same as they didn't owe you one once you turned 18. If you still feel guilty about moving out offer to help a little with their mortgage if you must, but really you shouldn't have to. Let them live within whatever their means are. It's not like you're loaded and can afford to subsidise them.

OldNotWIse

aidan24326 wrote: »

You know something OP? You're being taken for a ride here by the lot of them and you know it. So stand up for yourself and do what's best for yourself for once and for all.

If your parents choose to turn a blind eye and let this cretin carry on the way he does well then I'm afraid that's their problem not yours. Maybe that sounds harsh but that's the fact of the matter.

You say you don't want to cause trouble for your parents financially etc but you know what? It doesn't sound to me like they are too bothered about your situation or your problems right now, and are happy to just keep taking your money (and lots of it) while your useless brother goes out and gets drunk and contributes nothing. Find your own place and MOVE OUT.

Really I can't believe your parents are happy to bleed you dry like that. You don't owe them a living same as they didn't owe you one once you turned 18. If you still feel guilty about moving out offer to help a little with their mortgage if you must, but really you shouldn't have to. Let them live within whatever their means are. It's not like you're loaded and can afford to subsidise them.

So true, so true I can feel myself getting angry with them as I read your post (but maybe anger is what I need to spur me on!). When I think about it, my mother KNOWS I have debts - credit card debt, rent owing to my old landlord (I stupidly forgot to take my name off lease when I moved home and my ex lived rent free for a year and then we were both taken to court), not to mention an old student loan. She sees the threatening letters coming in every day and sure she even jokes about the "envelopes with the little windows" that arrive for me, yet she gladly accepts 220 per week (which is 47% of my weekly income) and expects me to keep myself out of jail or stubbs gazette, travel to and from work and still have some kind of life (whats the point working to survive?) Urgh!!!!!! :mad:

Sorry for the rant!

aidan24326

OldNotWIse wrote: »

So true, so true I can feel myself getting angry with them as I read your post (but maybe anger is what I need to spur me on!). When I think about it, my mother KNOWS I have debts - credit card debt, rent owing to my old landlord (I stupidly forgot to take my name off lease when I moved home and my ex lived rent free for a year and then we were both taken to court), not to mention an old student loan. She sees the threatening letters coming in every day and sure she even jokes about the "envelopes with the little windows" that arrive for me, yet she gladly accepts 220 per week (which is 47% of my weekly income) and expects me to keep myself out of jail or stubbs gazette, travel to and from work and still have some kind of life (whats the point working to survive?) Urgh!!!!!! :mad:

Sorry for the rant!

You should be angry. I was just a little surprised to see smilies and the like in some of your previous posts because reading them I was thinking 'Jesus I'd be fuming if I was being treated like that'. - and that applies to your parents as much as to your brother.

You know it might actually be better for everyone if you moved out, not just for yourself but your parents and your brother too. It might make your parents wake up to what your brother is really like, and you would no longer be enabling his cushy lifestyle by subsidising the lot of them. Sounds like a dose of reality is what they all need, even if you continue to help as much as your own financial situation allows.

You have your own life to live and your own debts to sort out and your parents should respect that. They're obviously far too soft with your brother, and you're too soft with the lot of them.