How would you have reacted ?

cruasder777

I was seeing someone for two years, at first she was all over me, but I was half-hearted, she was so warm and loving eventually after a year I went the other way and started to fall for her in quite a big way.

She went for something called "psycho-dynamic" counselling, I went to a couple of sessions, I felt the counsellor was feeding her a load of psycho-babble.

Her personality changed, she started challenging me and my motives, no longer going with the flow, the relationship started going down hill, we started bickering, we had a couple of small breaks, but knew we still loved each other, so got back together. But realised it was not working so came to an "amicable" split we still texted, occasionally spoke etc.

Last Saturday night I called around, we chatted and ended up sleeping together, we spoke 3 days later and she was pretty cool again.

I got the impression her friend was giving her "advice". Her friend is a real hard cow, really cynical of men, (lives with alot of cats).

In our time together I felt I did alot for her, took her on a driving holiday around Scotland, helped her move, photographed her sons wedding for free,(its what I do for a living), went to her hospital appointments with her, put furniture together for her, cooked her meals, brought her to lovely places.

Last night I phoned to to ask if she would sign an official form for me, to confirm my identity, she said she was tired and would do it next week, I said ok. I said if she wanted I could even put it through her letterbox, its important, its for a new job I need a licence for, she knows that.

She then texted back and said she was not do it(no reason given) in a text and to get someone else to.

I phoned her back to her answerphone and told her she was a user, not a true friend and had become a hard cow like her friend and listed all I had done for her, as well as a few expletives.

I feel really betrayed and angry about how this woman who I done so much for could not do me a simple favour. When I needed her she let me down, as a friend.

Dinxminx

OP, I think you 're out of line. You said yourself that you did a lot for her when you were together. I'm sure she also did things for you when you were together, since that's what happens in any decent relationship - you do things for each other. Those things don't suddenly become some debt she now owes you the day you break up.

You're not in a relationship anymore. She doesn't owe you anything. Her friend has nothing to do with it. The voicemail was bang out of order, IMO.

cruasder777

I disagree, if someone does you a good turn in life, if you can return the favour one day, thats a good thing, its called decency. Its not like it was a big thing to ask.

In the past she used to beg to come around see me, I always let her, because Im a compassionate person, I always had time for her, even when I was not into her.

Remember we still talked on the phone and I considered, while we were not going out still we were still friends.

I should have known, all her relationships have ended where she cuts herself off from people, she never saw her father for 30 yrs, she never even went to either parents funeral, she told me she got on the wrong train to get to her mothers funeral and missed it, she has not spoken to her sister for 15 yrs.

The same with her marriage, one minute he was the best thing since sliced bread, the next she never wanted to know the guy.

I have a theory that the minute you show respect and love to low self esteem women, they go off you, its like they cant handle someone treating them well. (they subconsciously want you to treat them badly, because they dont feel worthy of respect).

When I was cool with her for the first yr, she was so hot on me it was incredible. I gave some love back, she went cold.

My fault, the warning signs were there.

leeroybrown

It sounds a bit more like a train wreck than a relationship. You're probably both better off without each other at this stage. Personally, I'd have gotten out of there permanently a long time ago.

Ickle Magoo

OP what advice do you want here?

I can't comment on how I'd have reacted because I don't do the whole exes as friends bit precisely because it comes with baggage and complications just as you've described.

The bottom line is people we have been heavily emotionally involved with and their motives often cannot be judged in the same fashion as a normal friend. While you may have only considered her a friend, she may have slept with you and been holding out for more - when that's not forthcoming, she gets annoyed. Perhaps there is something more to her getting fed up and not wanting to help you - maybe the way you describe your relationship in terms of favours owed, or consider her so weak that either a friend whom you insult, or a counsellor is responsible for changing her "against you" - rather than her growing and learning and perhaps realising you aren't what she wants/needs as a boyfriend/friend.

Obnoxious answer-messages are never going to make people look anything other than slightly unhinged and I don't think indulging in crass generalisations, dodgy stereo-types or playing amateur psychologist to try to convince yourself the other person is 100% in the wrong is ever a good idea - it just leads to irrational bitterness. I think you just need to draw a line under it, chalk it up to experience and move on...maybe even take a step back and explore your part in it.

All the very best. :cool:

cruasder777

Its just hard to handle one minute someone telling you, you are their soulmate, calling you 3 x a day, doing everything to please you, even getting into tattoos cause I like tattoos, even though I was pretty cool with her, then me falling for her, then she goes cold like an iceberg on me and the love is turned off for no rational reason.

We once went to the seaside, I told her how my late wife and me used to walk on the cliffs, she looked at me, took my hand and said, "Im so sorry, (there was a tear in her eye), she said "If I could change places with your wife I would, I feel so sad for you"......I throught wow, this woman is so real, so caring, so compassionate.

As you said a lesson learned is the best approach.:(


This was my first relationship since my wife died 5years ago, we were together 19 years, through good and bad, but always there for each other, so its not easy.

Brings up alot of weird grief feelings.


Without doubt it has damaged the way I now look at relationships.

Ickle Magoo

Do you really want to be with someone who blows hot and cold tho? Being OTT into you then OTT frosty the snowman would drive me nuts. I appreciate your hurting and wondering what's going on but it really doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship or friendship to have.

Give yourself a bit of time to be able to look at things a bit more detached - I imagine losing a friend or relationship will trigger a lot of emotions related to losing your wife. Make plans to keep busy, maybe do/start something new, meet new people, surround yourself with people that love you and keep reminding yourself that you deserve a healthy, happy relationship.

Take care, OP.

daisybelle2008

I agree with Ickle and Leeroybrown, it is very hard to tell you how I'd react as in all honesty I could not have handled the hot and cold dramatic train wreck of a relationship you describe for longer than a week or two.

That is not to say I am better or worse than you.

It just would not appeal to me at your age (50+??) to be f*cking an ex out of it on the phone like a mafiosa, calling them names and angrily demanding they owe me because of 'all I had done for them'. I just would not have the energy for that kind of 'friendship' or 'relationship' with an ex, now never mind when I am your age. I just prefer to move on without a lot of conflict no matter who ended the relationship or why.

But you both seem to be a little bit addicted to high drama so maybe it is satisfying an itch in both of you. Hard to give you advise as you seem to have a grade a chip on your shoulder about it and want people to validate your behaviour.

But I would say is, as ye appear to bring out the worse in each other, maybe move on asap.

Scanlas The 2nd

cruasder777 wrote: »

I disagree, if someone does you a good turn in life, if you can return the favour one day, thats a good thing, its called decency. Its not like it was a big thing to ask.

In the past she used to beg to come around see me, I always let her, because Im a compassionate person, I always had time for her, even when I was not into her.

Remember we still talked on the phone and I considered, while we were not going out still we were still friends.

I should have known, all her relationships have ended where she cuts herself off from people, she never saw her father for 30 yrs, she never even went to either parents funeral, she told me she got on the wrong train to get to her mothers funeral and missed it, she has not spoken to her sister for 15 yrs.

The same with her marriage, one minute he was the best thing since sliced bread, the next she never wanted to know the guy.

I have a theory that the minute you show respect and love to low self esteem women, they go off you, its like they cant handle someone treating them well. (they subconsciously want you to treat them badly, because they dont feel worthy of respect).

When I was cool with her for the first yr, she was so hot on me it was incredible. I gave some love back, she went cold.

My fault, the warning signs were there.

I don't feel worthy of a billion euro yet I would be delighted to receive it. Not sure women don't like love and respect because of a lack of self worth.