Was I right?

mtjm

Here's a question for ya, Sorry for being so long, back in October I was going out with a girl for over a year and I was doing the Dublin City Marathon next day.

It was planned herself would stay over and she would give me a lift into town, so all was grand until she arrived up to my house, she said she wanted to talk about something so I say yeah go ahead she asked where do I see this relationship going? I asked why what's wrong? She said well I know where going out for a year and last couple weeks you seem to spent bit more time with your friends, I said sorry didn't feel like I was spending more time with them then you, (we see each other at weekends, during the week I hang with couple friends and she was ok with it) she started to shed some tears so I said sorry didn't mean to upset you and said yeah I enjoy being with you I do love you an all, she said she needed to talk about it as it was something that was bothering her and when she was talking to her best friend about it she (her friend) said she should talk to me straight away, anyway after the chat she said she's not staying as she's going to the pictures with her sister, I paused and thought "ok" and she said she'll pick m up in the morning.

so anyway cue in the morning picked me up and was agreed she pick me up after the marathon, all that happened. she met up with me few days later and asked how was the cinema she said "what cinema" "oh she didn't want to go in the end" so I thought nothing of it few days later and was in town and bumped into her said sister got into conversation about this and that and asked how was the marathon etc.. I asked how come pics was cancelled "what pictures" I just said "oh must got it mixed up with something thought you and _____ had planned to go to the pictures on the Sunday" she said "nothing was planned maybe she was planning it with someone else"


Anyway over a week after the marathon I had the girlfriend up and asked "how come you told me you were going to the cinema with your sister and she decided not to go at the end"? "oh she was tired" I said "look you were giving out the night before my marathon about not seeing enough of each other and you come up with some lame excuse to not stay the night and lied about it I bumped into your sister in town and she knows nothing about the planned cinema" she started with the tears, "look if you didn't want to stay the night you should have said also I was bit annoyed the fact you brought the relationship issue less the 12 hours before marathon ok it needed to be discussed but you could have waited until at lease after the marathon" she said once it's in my head she felt she needed to say it and her best mate said don't leave it too long, I got annoyed to say she never showed me any consideration as I was going to do my first marathon and wanted to be focus and didn't want to have any distractions I had said I felt at the time you were bit selfish and didn't consider my feelings and as you had issue with me not seeing you much you decided not to say over the night and yet you moaned about not seeing much of each other, I also said if you had chatted with me few days after I would have discussed it properly with you. I said maybe we're better off friends.


I on the one had felt she should have shown some consideration to my feelings just before I was about to do the marathon and waited few days and yet was I right to do it?


few months later her sister said she was very upset, I told her what happend in relation to cinema thing she said well I didn't know and I kind of understand were your coming from


was I right to dump her? felt she was bit controlling and was starting to wanted just to be me with her all the time?

analucija

Well if you felt she was a bit controlling then it is right for you to dump her. But I also think she had a lucky escape because you obviously think the marathon was more important than her.

kildare.17hmr

analucija wrote: »

But I also think she had a lucky escape because you obviously think the marathon was more important than her.

??? The guy had obviously been training and planning this for ages which she would have known and she brings this up the night before. Should he not have done the marathon? That was bad timing on her part. I think the op handled it well and did the right thing

analucija

kildare.17hmr wrote: »

??? The guy had obviously been training and planning this for ages which she would have known and she brings this up the night before. Should he not have done the marathon? That was bad timing on her part. I think the op handled it well and did the right thing

Come on, when did a bit of running make you unable to talk. She sees him only during weekends, when should she bring this up? Send a text on Wednesday? She even picked him up the next morning and then she is selfish, because she demands five minutes of his time? I would understand if OP was a professional athlete but I'm guessing he is not. Anyway this isn't an issue because him thinking that asking where is this going is being controlling clearly shows it was not going anywhere and he was right to break up with her.

_dublinlad_

Mmmmm. She was certainly not very considerate telling you this the night before the race. However she obviously got it into her head that something was wrong with the relationship, maybe she was loosing sleep over it and thinking about it constantly so she felt like she needed to speak to you about it asap. Not making excuses for her timing of the talk, but she obviously needed to get it off her chest.

Personally I would not see that this was enough to end an otherwise great relationship. I dont see how you couldnt just of just spoken to her and said that her timing was just not on and that you will try and see a bit more of eachother..

All in all I guess that this really wasnt the girl for you if you let such simple run of the mill arguements make you turn to her and say "maybe we're better off friends". I cant see myself saying that to someone I truely loved after an argument like that...

Ickle Magoo

I think you were right to dump her - and the fact that you need to ask strangers whether you should still be in a relationship with her suggest to me that you don't feel strongly enough about her to warrant going out with her anyway.

You don't have to justify it to anyone - unless YOU want to be in a relationship with someone then you have every right to end things - for any reason at all.

All the best, OP.

kildare.17hmr

analucija wrote: »

Come on, when did a bit of running make you unable to talk. She sees him only during weekends, when should she bring this up? Send a text on Wednesday? She even picked him up the next morning and then she is selfish, because she demands five minutes of his time? I would understand if OP was a professional athlete but I'm guessing he is not. Anyway this isn't an issue because him thinking that asking where is this going is being controlling clearly shows it was not going anywhere and he was right to break up with her.

im guessing you have never been involved in a sport or anything for that matter at that high a level where it needs your full attention. It would not have killed her to wait till after the marathon. She was selfish

fungun

Bit surprised at the responses. Yes she was selfish and handled it badly, so Id certainly have called her on it.
But if you actually really loved her and wanted to make a life with her, it seems a pretty small thing to break up over if all else was going well.

Still, you havent said anything in your post about how you feel about the girl, so maybe things were only going ok

P. Breathnach

Is this a personal issue, or just a wish to review past behaviour?

Assuming OP did not omit salient facts, it looks to me as if the show was being run by his girlfriend's best friend. I would tend to be dubious about the solidity of relationships where the levers are being operated by outsiders.

squonk

OP, you sound a bit intense really from what's written. You've broken up, she's not coming back so why bother dwelling on this at all?

On the other hand, your ex sounds like someone who's being told how to think and not really able to think for herself.

You don't sound like the most compatable couple anyway so it's most likely all for the best.

analucija

O

kildare.17hmr wrote: »

im guessing you have never been involved in a sport or anything for that matter at that high a level where it needs your full attention. It would not have killed her to wait till after the marathon. She was selfish

I've done it as recreation but no I was never a professional athlete. I've known a few that went to Olympics etc and surprisingly enough they were able to function normaly between competitions. They were actually among best students in school too. But then again maybe some people are more able than others.

kildare.17hmr

analucija wrote: »

O
I've done it as recreation but no I was never a professional athlete. I've known a few that went to Olympics etc and surprisingly enough they were able to function normaly between competitions. They were actually among best students in school too. But then again maybe some people are more able than others.

We're not talking about functioning between competitions tho we are talking about the night before a competition. When i boxed i would chill the day before and have a stress free day and not do anything that would break my focus for the fight. Same with work now if im on a big deal i need to not let things at home distract me at that time. The last thing you would need is that kind of crap the night before

analucija

He is not professional sportsman. It's a hobby. And when hobby becomes more important than the relationship then you should end it.

Distorted

Yes, you were right to dump her. Theres several signs that the relationship was going wrong and you were being proactive, rather than prolonging it as so many do. eg you wanting to spend time with your friends at weekends rather than one on one time frequently with her, her kicking off the night before a big race, etc..

Advice: go out with a fellow runner, hopefully someone with a similar outlook on life and similar priorities. Personally, as a female sportsperson myself, I couldn't bear to be with someone who wasn't sporty and most of my female friends have boyfriends/husbands who do the same or similar sports; we feel sorry for guys with non-sporty girlfriends who don't bother coming to even the occasional race to watch or hang around looking bored out of their minds.

AhInFairness

It sounds like you weren't overly pushed about her in the first place. I know I wouldn't be too happy if, after a year together, my boyfriend would only see me on the weekend. Her timing may not have been good but she certainly had a point. A girl wanting to see her boyfriend more often doesn't make her controlling. It sounds like you were happy to coast along and thats fine, but it doesn't mean she has to like it. You went from loving her one week to "we're better as friends" the next. Sounds like you just weren't arsed tbh.

So yes, you were right to break up with her but I don't think you're the victim you seem to think you are.

somefeen

Sounds from your post she's the type who starts crying at the drop of a hat for pity. Just another way of trying to get some control, and why does her bestfriend's advice come before common sense?

No she shouldn't have bought it up before the marathon, I agree with that.
Comments that you treated running in a higher regard than her or way off. IMO she treated acting on her friends advice with more respect for you.
Running a marathon is not the same as pissing about on a pitch for 90 minutes, she could have easily left it until afterwards.

I think you did the right thing, but I would ask why you're doubting the decision?

Taltos

OP - I am closing this as you have already taken action and there is no longer a relationship there.
Hopefully some of the responses will have given you peace of mind and will stop you second guessing yourself.

All the best
Taltos