Quick One's

MonkieSocks

-I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
-When chemists die, they barium.
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
-PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
-Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
-Broken pencils are pointless.
-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
-I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
-I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
-Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
-Velcro, what a rip off!
-A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
-Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
-The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
-Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
-I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
-Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
-Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
-Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
-Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
-A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
-A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
-Without geometry, life is pointless.
-When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
-Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
-A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
-A backwards poet writes inverse.
-In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
-What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
-There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
-The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
-Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
-Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
-When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked "Are you two an item?"
-When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
-This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
-A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."
-A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
-Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Hey get out! We don't want your type in here!"