Woman wants my wedding church

LegacyUser

Hi all

I am with my partner 8 years and we are getting married this December, We booked my local parish church where I was baptized ,communined, confirmed and my parents still go there. We didn’t really want to get married in a church as we are not overly religious but my parents and my fiancés parents (and his grandparents) begged us to.

We did a pre marriage course 2 weeks ago as requested by our priest-fair enough, we paid the fee and went. The problems with a woman I met there.

Turns out she and her fiancé are getting married the same day as us, When she found that out she asked where we were getting married and it turns out she tried to get my church for the same day and was told it was booked. She laughed that "Ill kill ya for the church" and we had a giggle about it-nothing more was said.

Then on the last day of the course we were in the church module of it and we were told to say out to the group why we were getting married in church. A load of people said "For the setting” and "our parents want us to" and I didn’t lie and I said
"Out of respect for our parents and grandparents".

The woman who had tried to get my date pipes up in the corner and yelled out "Your not even religious and your getting married in my church, while im religious and ive to get married in some strange church- that’s not ****ing on"

I was mortified - the course leader told her to be quiet and it wasn’t her decision who had the right to be married in a church. After the course was over she pulled me aside and informed me that she was getting that church if she had to go to the papers about me. I met with my priest today and he told me this woman has been on the phone to him four times since regarding my wedding date

What can I do here? I am seriously considering giving her the date, if she does go on her threat and goes to the papers, ill look like a bitch taking a church away from a “Proper religious person” when I only go to church about once a month.

Beruthiel

weddingwoe wrote: »

We didn’t really want to get married in a church as we are not overly religious but my parents and my fiancés parents (and his grandparents) begged us to.

Is it your wedding or is it your parents/grandparents?
Serious question, have you really given any thought to exactly what sort of wedding would make the day perfect for you?
Why are you not just going ahead with whatever plans you wish and informing everyone once everything is booked?

My parents are deeply religious.
We did not include anyone in our wedding plans.
We are both atheists and had a simple 10 minute hand fasting ceremony out doors, in a beautiful setting, surrounded by our guests in a circle.
It was lovely and we had a great day.
Nobody complained and my parents had a good time.

As an atheist, I question someone who uses a catholic church if they are not fully fledged catholics.
I don't buy the 'just for the setting' malarkey, it is not a valid reason.
Plastic Catholics annoy the hell out of me for various reasons, but mostly because they are helping the continuation of a vast religious higher archy who are rotten to the core.

What do you do?
Whatever your conscience dictates.
Think about what it is that you believe in, what you truly want for your day and then go with that.
The only other opinion that should help with the decision is your future husbands.
So discuss it with him and ignore all other opinions.

ted1

Ignore the crazy lady. You booked it the venue.is yours.

Joey the lips

If your date is booked its booked. Dont worry this happens all the time. You got it your religion is not in question for this. You done the pre marriage course. It does not matter to anyone if your the daughter of satan and have 5 of his off spring. You booked the date and got it. If you want to finally close this off just ring the priest and ask him to confirm that you have that date as the ladies reaction has caused you a lot of stress.

I would love to see this in the papers. With due respect....Who cares that a nutter wants your date?

Take care and enjoy your day,

Taltos

"Out of respect for my parents and grandparents" - is a lot more honest and valid a reason than any others.

Irrespective though - you have booked the church and the date - and if getting married in that church was really that important to this woman she would move her date or would have made sure far in advance that it was available.

My best advice - put her rantings out of your head - clearly she doesn't have enough of a life to be getting on with and is one of those folk who gets off making others suffer.

What if the papers etc get involved - just be honest - your whole family have been looking forward to this day and venue for years and this one clearly crazy woman is harassing you in an attempt to destroy what should be the happiest day of your life.

Don't for one minute consider changing your plans - and if this continues I suggest you investigate if you have any grounds for harassment - not kidding here - she is actively going behind your back doing her damnest to ruin your day - not the actions of someone with the full set of marbles.

Toots

You've booked the church so don't be worrying. The woman is clearly a nutcase, and I can't imagine any papers will be interested in her story, try to put her out of your mind and enjoy the run up to your day. If you want to get married in the church on that date then absolutely do not even think about giving it to her, she's a bully and is throwing her toys out of the pram because she wasn't quick enough to book the church she wanted. If she wanted the church that badly then she could have changed her dates when she heard it was unavailable.

TBH I think it was really inappropriate that the course leader asked everyone to give their reasons for getting married in a church!!

newport2

If she really wanted the church that much and it meant that much to her, she would have confirmed it was available before setting her date.

Ignore her and she'll go away, good luck with your day!

username123

weddingwoe wrote: »

After the course was over she pulled me aside and informed me that she was getting that church if she had to go to the papers about me. I met with my priest today and he told me this woman has been on the phone to him four times since regarding my wedding date

What can I do here? I am seriously considering giving her the date, if she does go on her threat and goes to the papers, ill look like a bitch taking a church away from a “Proper religious person” when I only go to church about once a month.

Out of interest, what did your priest say besides informing you that she was phoning repeatedly?

On her threat about going to the papers, well I would do what Id do with any other threat, Id report her to the guards for harrassment and tell them that I was frightened by her irrational behaviour, her threat of libel, her threat of murder and her general demeanor. If the guards dont want to pay her a visit then a solicitors letter warning her against libellous action might put a stop to her gallop. Now all of that is my initial reaction - the truth is - ignore the crazy fool. She has mental problems.

If this mentally disturbed person does decide to go to a newspaper she will find out in short order that its a non story - crazy woman wants church for wedding date - who cares??

george67

Ask her if she wants your flowers and vows after your finished with them and then I'd keep her away from your man

Annabananna

Do not change your date this woman is off her head. a point though is if ye both want same church do you know anyone that knows her and find out if she is as saintly as she makes out. I suspect that she is not as if she really wanted the church she change date this is more bridezilla behaviour then that of a devoted catholic. if you get dirt on her you'll be able to throw it bak in her face when she attacks again. I had a similer problem with my hotel i stood my ground and told the other lady there was another 364 days in the year she could get married.

Pebbles68

Honestly, do you really think this is a news story? Can you really see a journalist pitching the idea to their editor? "Hey boss, I've got a great story about a woman who is angry about her local church being already booked on the date she wants to get married" Can't see people rushing out to buy that newspaper.

And as for the bi**h threatening you, well she really comes across as a very religious person, doesn't she;)

Ignore her. She'll go away.

LittleBook

weddingwoe wrote: »

The woman who had tried to get my date pipes up in the corner and yelled out "Your not even religious and your getting married in my church, while im religious and ive to get married in some strange church- that’s not ****ing on"
...

What can I do here? I am seriously considering giving her the date, if she does go on her threat and goes to the papers, ill look like a bitch taking a church away from a “Proper religious person” when I only go to church about once a month.

I agree with the other posters, this lady is crazy, the date is yours, you can keep it if you want. It's absurd that she would pick the date of her wedding without making sure a church that (seemingly) means so much to her is available.

I'll add also that you seem quite concerned that you're "taking the church away" from a proper religious person but you have no idea if she is a proper religious person, you have only the word of a crazy lady that this is the case. She just sounds like a bully and her language in the course was hardly Christian

As a matter of interest (I'm not married so I could be wrong) can't the church hold more than one ceremony on the same day?

ronjo

Is it not possible to her to be married also in the church on that day???

One at midday and one say at 2pm.
Of course you are not obliged to do this at all but surely its an option

mood

ronjo wrote: »

Is it not possible to her to be married also in the church on that day???

One at midday and one say at 2pm.
Of course you are not obliged to do this at all but surely its an option

Why she the OP do this for someone who is so nasty to her?

As someone else suggested go to the guards or a solicator if her behaviour continues. It's not on.

ronjo

mood wrote: »

Why she the OP do this for someone who is so nasty to her?

As someone else suggested go to the guards or a solicator if her behaviour continues. It's not on.

I absolutely agree that she is under absolutely no obligation at all.
It was just an alternative that might be preferable to her... thats all

Ickle Magoo

weddingwoe wrote: »

What can I do here? I am seriously considering giving her the date, if she does go on her threat and goes to the papers, ill look like a bitch taking a church away from a “Proper religious person” when I only go to church about once a month.

Don't do anything - I'd report the woman to both the counselling course and the priest/vicar of the church you are getting married at so they are aware of her threats to escalate things and then get on with life.

Some people actually do believe that shouting, threatening and stamping their feet are a good way of getting their own way - don't prove her right.

All the best.

hoodwinked

Beruthiel wrote: »

As an atheist, I question someone who uses a catholic church if they are not fully fledged catholics.
I don't buy the 'just for the setting' malarkey, it is not a valid reason.
Plastic Catholics annoy the hell out of me for various reasons, but mostly because they are helping the continuation of a vast religious higher archy who are rotten to the core.

i am not a practicing catholic (well i was baptised confirmed...etc) once i was old enough i decided it wasnt for me, i am getting married in a church because the man im marrying is religious (goes to mass on Sundays and all) where or how i get married makes no difference to me it does to him so we are having a catholic marriage ceremony. i compromised because i love him.

if the op has decided to get married in a church for some people she loves thats her choice,


and op thats the bottom line its YOUR choice you made it, and followed the proper channels, i wouldn't cancel or change the venue, you booked your church for your reasons!

go enjoy your day and leave that woman to her own little agenda, if shes that worried about you having the church more so then planning her own wedding i doubt she'll need it! :pac:

Cunning Stunt

OP, her behaving like that only shows that she is obviously NOT as religious as she is making out to be. So you have just as much right to use the church as she does. Forget about her and enjoy your day.

PS I hope the priest has made it clear to her that she shouldn't call him again regarding this...

over my dead body would that woman get the church from me. It would be different if she was nice and pleasant about it, not to mention mature, but her behaviour would be like a red rag to a bull to me - please stick to your guns, you booked it first, simple as that.

And just because you state that you are not "overly religious" does not mean you are not entitled to be married there, despite what the atheists think. You have a history there, you received all your sacraments in that church - its fitting that you receive this one there too.

If she does go to the papers she going to look like a right eejit and i doubt anyone would have any sympathy for her!

ElleEm

She is trying to bully you.
She sounds like a right little spoiled madam.

Forget about her. The Church is booked for the day BY YOU.

hondasam

weddingwoe wrote: »

What can I do here? I am seriously considering giving her the date, if she does go on her threat and goes to the papers, ill look like a bitch taking a church away from a “Proper religious person” when I only go to church about once a month.

If it means so little to you and so much to her then give it to her, you can get married in any church and it will not make a difference.
Is it not possible to have two weddings on the same day?
I'm surprised this woman had not booked the church, is this not the first thing you do before hotels, pre marriage courses etc?
Going to the papers about two girls fighting over a church, ya I can see Joe Duffy having a field day over this.

ABajaninCork

Hmmm. Given the way she's behaving, it makes me wonder why the poor sap she's marrying asked her in the first place. And it makes me wonder how long the marriage will last....

hondasam

username123 wrote: »

Id report her to the guards for harrassment and tell them that I was frightened by her irrational behaviour, her threat of libel, her threat of murder and her general demeanor. If the guards dont want to pay her a visit then a solicitors letter warning her against libellous action might put a stop to her gallop. Now all of that is my initial reaction - the truth is - ignore the crazy fool. She has mental problems.

If this mentally disturbed person does decide to go to a newspaper she will find out in short order that its a non story - crazy woman wants church for wedding date - who cares??

It's hardly harassment and I don't think the gardai would be calling to her over this. How can you say she is mentally disturbed? how do we know it's not the op who is over reacting?

mood

hondasam wrote: »

If it means so little to you and so much to her then give it to her, you can get married in any church and it will not make a difference.
Is it not possible to have two weddings on the same day?
I'm surprised this woman had not booked the church, is this not the first thing you do before hotels, pre marriage courses etc?
Going to the papers about two girls fighting over a church, ya I can see Joe Duffy having a field day over this.

OP never said it doesn't mean much to her just that she is not very religious. They are getting married there as it means a lot to her and the grooms parents. Wedding are stressful enough without changing venue to suit someone you don't even know. If this other woman is so religious surely it doesn't matter what church she gets married in as long as it's a church. And yes she should have booked it before hotel etc if it meant that much to her. She is just a b*tch and her actions are not very catholic!

OP stand your ground.

She picked a date (hardly the only day of the year, or even that month, that she could get married) and when she finds out her church isn't free, does she change the date? No, she kicks up a fuss that she's a bride and can't have something she wants, and it's the worst thing that's ever happened.

If the church was that important to her, she'd have changed the date. Her intention here is to bully and intimidate. Don't let her have her way, people like this need to be stood up against.

mood

hondasam wrote: »

It's hardly harassment and I don't think the gardai would be calling to her over this. How can you say she is mentally disturbed? how do we know it's not the op who is over reacting?

Ringing the priest on a number of occasions to get the OP date is a terrible thing to do. The OP is not over reacting.

OP did the priest tell her in no uncertain terms that he won't cancel your booking so she can have it? If not maybe you should ask him to do so preferably in writing if she call again.

hondasam

mood wrote: »

OP never said it doesn't mean much to her just that she is not very religious. They are getting married there as it means a lot to her and the grooms parents. Wedding are stressful enough without changing venue to suit someone you don't even know. If this other woman is so religious surely it doesn't matter what church she gets married in as long as it's a church. And yes she should have booked it before hotel etc if it meant that much to her. She is just a b*tch and her actions are not very catholic!

No the op only said the parents/grandparents wanted a church wedding but did not say it was that particular church.
Again unfair to the lady in question.

mood

hondasam wrote: »

No the op only said the parents/grandparents wanted a church wedding but did not say it was that particular church.
Again unfair to the lady in question.

No it's not. Bookings are on a first come first served basis. If it was that important to her she would have picked a date that suited the availability of the church but she chose not to do this.

Rearranging your wedding to suit someone who has been nothing to horrible to you is madness.

hondasam

hondasam wrote: »

Again unfair to the lady in question.

Unfair would be:
If the lady had a dying relative who could only make that date.
If the particular church had huge sentimental significance.
If she then went to the OP and explained how much the church meant to her and asked if the OP would change the date in return for compensation for deposits lost.
If the OP then told her to "suck it". That would be unfair.

Instead, the "lady in question" has been bullying the OP over not being religious. A person like that should not be humoured.

hondasam

true-or-false wrote: »

Unfair would be:
If the lady had a dying relative who could only make that date.
If the particular church had huge sentimental significance.
If she then went to the OP and explained how much the church meant to her and asked if the OP would change the date in return for compensation for deposits lost.
If the OP then told her to "suck it". That would be unfair.

Instead, the "lady in question" has been bullying the OP over not being religious. A person like that should not be humoured.

mood wrote: »

She is just a b*tch and her actions are not very catholic!

Unfair being this comment, we don't know if she is a bitch or not.

true-or-false wrote: »

Instead, the "lady in question" has been bullying the OP over not being religious. A person like that should not be humoured.

Saying she is Bullying is a bit OTT,

woodchuck

mood wrote: »

No it's not. Bookings are on a first come first served basis. If it was that important to her she would have picked a date that suited the availability of the church but she chose not to do this.

Rearranging your wedding to suit someone who has been nothing to horrible to you is madness.

I completely agree with this. It's not a question of who the church means more to, it's simply a first come first served basis.

Don't give in OP. Her threats about going to the papers are laughable!

The only thing I would be worried about is the priest. Just make sure you're on the same page with him and that he won't bend to her pressure. If he can fit her wedding in later in the day that's his prerogative, but make it clear that you're not willing to negatiate a change of date/time.

Ickle Magoo

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hondasam

What I don't understand is how have both women booked hotels but no church? they have done pre marriage courses but still no church booked.
I would be securing the church first and booking everything else around that date.

mood

woodchuck wrote: »

The only thing I would be worried about is the priest. Just make sure you're on the same page with him and that he won't bend to her pressure. If he can fit her wedding in later in the day that's his prerogative, but make it clear that you're not willing to negatiate a change of date/time.

I agree. Do you get booking confirmed in writing? If not I would ask the priest to do so. I strongly don't think the priest will cave but it's best to be 100% sure. Also when did all this happen? I'm asking as it may already have blown over. She might have forgot about it when the priest wouldn't cancel your wedding.

hondasam

mood wrote: »

I agree. Do you get booking confirmed in writing? If not I would ask the priest to do so. I strongly don't think the priest will cave but it's best to be 100% sure. Also when did all this happen? I'm asking as it may already have blown over. She might have forgot about it when the priest wouldn't cancel your wedding.

The priest is not going to cancel her wedding for the other woman. The op is booked for that date and that's it as far as the priest is concerned.

username123

hondasam - the OP has been clear - she has the church booked. I dont know who has hotels booked - its not relevant.

On going to the guards - the woman told her she would kill her for the church, and has caused enormous mental distress by continuing to harass the priest about it - probably slandering the OP in the process. A friendly word to the guards to find out how best to proceed would not be out of order. You cannot, under law, threaten and harass other people. Harassment is taken very seriously in the courts.

She is completely bullying the OP because she wants the church that the OP has already booked. If she wanted it so badly she should have booked it sooner. Now she is stamping her feet, shouting, threatening and behaving in a generally lunatic manner suggestive of mental disturbance.

Personally - I wouldnt budge an inch over a bully like this.

mood

hondasam wrote: »

What I don't understand is how have both women booked hotels but no church? they have done pre marriage courses but still no church booked.
I would be securing the church first and booking everything else around that date.

My understanding is both have churches booked but the other woman would prefer to have her wedding in the church the OP has booked. She rang the priest to try the get the OPs booking. IMO if the church was that important to her she would have chosen a different date for her wedding to ensure she had that particular church booked. But she didn't do this. Her hotel chose must have been more important to her.

OP correct me if I'm wrong.

John Mason

hondasam wrote: »

What I don't understand is how have both women booked hotels but no church? they have done pre marriage courses but still no church booked.
I would be securing the church first and booking everything else around that date.

but the nutjob has a church booked, the OP said she is getting married in a strange church!!

and tbh, the OP goes to church once a month, which to me is a lot. its not like she goes at christmas, she obviously has some kid of belief in the Catholic Church.

OP, forget about her, she is bully

Ickle Magoo

hondasam infracted for ignoring mod warning.

This is an advice forum - offer the OP constructive advice on the issue they posted about or refrain from posting.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Is it your wedding or is it your parents/grandparents?

my mothers dead, my father and stepmother are in their 70s and my fiances grandparents are in their 90s, i know that a church wedding would mean the world to them as we are both the last kids in the family.And i know my mother(rip) would have wanted to see me marry in a church. Might not seem like a valid reason to some but we both want our elder relitaves to be happy
[/QUOTE]

Beruthiel wrote: »

As an atheist, I question someone who uses a catholic church if they are not fully fledged catholics.Plastic Catholics annoy the hell out of me What do you do?

i dont know if your calling me a plastic catholic or just making a point. i dont go to mass an awful lot-once a month normally, but i pray myself, i have sacred heart in my home,carry rosery beads in my bag etc.I believe i dont have to go to mass all the time to have faith. I honestly didnt think that made it so i wasnt worthy of marrying in a church but this woman seems to think it does [/QUOTE]

ElleEm

This woman wants the Church over you, she may never go herself but she wants what you have and seems determined to bully you out of it.

Whether we agree with your reasons for a Church wedding or not, it doesn't matter.
You have the Church that day. Forget about her. Stop allowing her to tarnish what should be a happy, great experience.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Out of interest, what did your priest say besides informing you that she was phoning repeatedly?

when i met him he was going over the baptism certs and had a look at the pre marriage course cert and said "Your wedding dates very popular, ive a woman calling constantly to see has it opened up yet" After i explained the situation he said she said on the phone that she "heard through the grapevine" that the date would become available soon. Obviously the priest is staying out of it but he said that he will inform her that after speaking to me the dates not being changed[/QUOTE]

username123 wrote: »

its a non story - crazy woman wants church for wedding date - who cares??

tbh im more worried about the lies she will make up about me if she does it

mood

OP this woman is wrong. You are entitled to a church wedding if you choose to have one. If you hear from her again tell her you can't and won't change your wedding plans and suggest she change her own date and plans if the church is so important to her.

Tell us when this all happened might help people give better advice. Also how did the priest deal with the situation?

woodchuck

weddingwoe wrote: »

i dont go to mass an awful lot-once a month normally, but i pray myself, i have sacred heart in my home,carry rosery beads in my bag etc.I believe i dont have to go to mass all the time to have faith. I honestly didnt think that made it so i wasnt worthy of marrying in a church but this woman seems to think it does

OP don't start doubting your own faith because of this woman. People who are much less religious than you get married in churches all the time (and you sound quite religious to me compared to most people I know!!).

That really isn't the point of it all anyway though. You have the church booked. The date is yours. You deserve it. Don't give it up!

LegacyUser

hondasam wrote: »

What I don't understand is how have both women booked hotels but no church? they have done pre marriage courses but still no church booked.
I would be securing the church first and booking everything else around that date.

i booked my church in august 2010- was one of the first things i did

mood

weddingwoe wrote: »

tbh im more worried about the lies she will make up about me if she does it

Did you tell the priest the whole truth about how she has treated you?

Why worry? I bet people know what she is like. I bet it is not her first attempt to bully someone.

Forget about her and concentrate on planning your wedding and try not to stress.

Taltos

OP - you don't have to validate yourself here at all.

I think almost without exception we are behind you 100% on this.
Please talk to the priest again - let him know that you are not changing your mind and ask him just to help you not to mention any requests again as you have enough details to be worrying about.

Also - Ickle and someone else suggested making a formal complaint to the guidance course - and maybe also to the gardai - can I strongly recommend you consider doing this.

It is your wedding day - one of the most important in your life and to be honest no-one needs the hassle or the stress that this woman is trying to put you under. She needs to get a clear message that her approaches are not welcome and are bordering if not already across the line on harassment.

Best of luck with your big day - really hope it goes well for you

Pebbles68

weddingwoe wrote: »

tbh im more worried about the lies she will make up about me if she does it

Relax. No newspaper is going to print a story about a member of the public without checking the source and the facts of the story. They are not going to print a story based on the rantings of a bridezilla and leave themselves open to a libel case. And anyway, this is NOT a news story. It will not sell newspapers.

tinkerbell

OP, first of all stop justifying yourself, you have no need to do so. Booking a church is on a first-come, first-served basis. You got the church, end of story. That woman is a psycho. She has no right to go on at you like that - you should be filing a complaint with the pre-marriage course (they should have dealt with it there n then) and with the priest. If she keeps going on, I'd also suggest a trip down to the local garda and they'll pay her a visit and she'll feck off then.

And do NOT give her the church, you have every right to have the church, stop justifying yourself!

username123

weddingwoe wrote: »

when i met him he was going over the baptism certs and had a look at the pre marriage course cert and said "Your wedding dates very popular, ive a woman calling constantly to see has it opened up yet" After i explained the situation he said she said on the phone that she "heard through the grapevine" that the date would become available soon. Obviously the priest is staying out of it but he said that he will inform her that after speaking to me the dates not being changed

So the priest is not getting involved but being clear the date stays as is - thats grand.

weddingwoe wrote: »

tbh im more worried about the lies she will make up about me if she does it

Dont be worrying about this at all. First of all, no newspaper is going to be interested in this non story from a crazy woman. Second, no newspaper is going to print libellous stuff they can be sued for - it just wont happen. And third - so what anyway? If there was an untrue story in a newspaper about you anyone who knows you would know it was untrue. So the only people who might believe it would be people who dont know you - who cares what they think? The next day the paper will be wrapping fish and forgotten about. Seriously, its not that interesting a story. Woman wants church and says woman who booked church is less religious - yeah that headline is going to sell a lot of papers!!

Listen - it HAPPENED to me that there was a newspaper story of bull printed about my family, and by extension, me. I didnt care a bit - for the reasons I just gave you. My sibling freaked out for months on end and wasted loads of energy on being angry and upset and actually was still going on about it years later - to what end? The only person being hurt was himself. He wrote insisting on a printed apology, which he got, but that wasnt good enough because the story was front page and the apology was on page 42 and hardly anyone would notice it etc....... Just a complete waste of time and effort. No one cared - except him.

Linoge

The Catholic Church are just as hypocritical as all the cultural catholics that get married in their churches. They have no problem keeping you on their baptismal register so you should have no problem using their church (even if it is just for your parents).

Like everyone else has said. You've booked it, its yours, no matter what some crazy woman shouts.