I don't know what to do anymore

LegacyUser

Been with my OH about 8 years now. Weve had our ups and downs in the past but recently everything seems to be just falling apart again. Few years back he went off the rails – class a addiction, alcoholism, depression, he hid it from me but I found out, huge row, almost the end of us but we got through it. Few years later similar again but without the drugs- depression, alcoholism, treating me like an invisible doormat. It was partly my fault too, Im heavily involved in a sport I do and was not making enough time for us. Basically he had himself at the stage of leaving me and moving away but he mum got really ill and he copped himself on, put a huge effort into getting himself right and promised it would never happen again. We have since got engaged, all was going well except lately its all going backwards.

He is down all the time. It started a few weeks ago he was like an anti Christ for days but copped on and apologised I put it down to stress (and to be fair he is under a lot). I told him point blank it wasn’t okay to be like that – that if I came home in bad form and told him to ‘stop annoying’ me for asking about it he wouldn’t put up with it so why should i?. For the past week he comes home and drinks, claims he is a manic depressive (yet refuses point blank to seek help or even a bloody diagnosis), says he is unhappy but doesn’t know why, claims he can be suicidal driving to work, then fine then so angry he wants to punch a wall. . I was straight with him about it the other night and was adamant I wanted him to talk about it and that’s when the above came out. I suggested he talk to someone, he doesn’t want to break up with me but is unhappy but wont try to do anything to help himself. I ended up in tears and he just tells me he hates himself for making me feel so sad and doesn’t understand why I love him – yet he refuses to make an effort at all. He is under a lot of financial pressure (child support plus helping his parents out financially) but refuses to let me try and help in any way. He also had a lot of let downs lately (surgery which means he can no longer play a sport he loved, someone he thought was his closest friend being a total assh*le etc)

He manages to appear as normal as hell in front of strangers and in front of our step sons but once its just us its like being in a room with a stranger.
When I ring him as soon as I hear his voice it just sucks any happiness or positivity out of me everything is monotone non committal answers. He perked up a bit last night (we were out somewhere that he wasn’t drinking and was driving) but this morning was negative again. I’ve text him today and he doesn’t reply but when he is like this that’s normal. The thing that really gets me is he tells me his mood shouldn’t affect mine as if sharing a house with someone who is negative, down, depressed, drinking just for the sake of drinking, snapping at you, and barely speaks to you let alone touches you is not going to affect my mood?! He isn’t back on drugs as far as I know (he knows it’s the one thing that if it happened again we are done end of story) but I honestly don’t know what will be next.

So I guess I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve no one to speak to about this as I don’t have many close friends and I don’t want my mum knowing and fretting as she has enough on her plate. Over the past few years Ive lost most of my close friends because i've been so close to him and as he doesnt have many friends I just gradually stopped going out with them without him as im already so busy with sports and work. Its affecting me in work and outside of work as I can’t enjoy anything I am doing as I am worried about him, and terrified of what he might do. I love him so much but its turned me into an upset weak person whose emotions are being dictated to by someone else. I am going through phases of being angry and being upset. In a way I tell myself let him on, don’t contact him etc but I think it will just justify the way he is behaving and he probably wont care. I feel like I’ve spent the best years of my life with someone and whats the point if its just going to be like this. Im constantly on edge because even during the good times when he seems okay I know it will come back to this and I don’t know what will be next. I don't know what to do anymore.

curlzy

Hey OP,

You really need to get into counselling, never mind him. Regardless of any mental illness/addiction/circumstances, he's using you as a whipping boy/emotional punch bag and you're letting him. He may have x, y, z problems and maybe that's causing him to act like such an abusive pr*ck but at the end of the day he's doing nothing to get better and you're taking the abuse and allowing it to continue. YOU are allowing this to continue. Why? I know you said you love him but that is no excuse to allow yourself to be treated this way. I would be long gone, love or no love.

Get into counselling.

Best of luck.

daisybelle2008

SoTotallyLost wrote: »

I don't know what to do anymore.

Run for the hills.

It is really down to how much you like yourself and value your happiness how much longer you continue in this abject misery.

It is very hard to understand what you are doing in ths relationship. Do you think things are going to drastically improve. You will honestly feel like a weight is lifted with you are away from this co-dependent toxic mess you have for a relationsip.

You seem to bring out the absolute worst in each other. My guess is he will improve drastically left to take responsibility for himself and left to his own devices (he seems to be at his worst one-on-one with you).