Confused about male friend behaviour

MindZoo

Apologies in advance for the long post

I am a married heterosexual male and have 2 children. I have landed myself in a tricky situation and i am not sure how to go about. Abt 5 yrs ago I befriended a male friend (lets call him Josh) a few years my junior (i am in my mid thristies and he late twenties) and over the last couple of months our relationship grew incredibly intense. Josh is a real guy's guy - definitely heterosexual in my opinion-, very popular with his other friends, very attractive,actively involved in sports and never struck me as the "physical" type when it comes to other men. Nothing "weird", just spent a lot of time hanging out or going for a couple of pints.

We started hanging out a lot, he went through a difficult period in his life and i was there to support him all the way. We'd see each other every day, he'd even drop by my work during the day to come and say hello. He'd be by my house every night and visit to the point where my wife started to become very annoyed at me (altho i realised this but was unsure what to do).

Then suddenly, like a bolt from the blue, one day a couple of weeks ago i jokingly made a comment about something and he exploded and left - sending me a long text abt how disappointed he is with me and that the friendsip is basically over. He just disappear off the radar and didnt return my calls or texts or anything. I was incredible confused (and gobsmacked) because i couldnt for the life of me understand why he was so offended.

Move forward and a week or two later i got a text message from him late one night saying he is outside my house and asked if he could come in. Although i was still very confused by his behaviour i wasn't upset so i opened the door. He immediately gave me a big hug (which is not like him - i mean, "guys dont do that") while crying his eyes out and aplogising profusely for his behaviour. I just sat down with him and chatted for a while over a coffee and told him that he need not be worried that i am angry, and that we are "ok". Even tho we patched things up things just havent been the same and it really bugs me alot because i do nt understand what went wrong.

Then the suprise. The other night i was talking to a older (wise) friend of mine whom i trust and i shared the experience with him, to which he asked me if i ever considered the fact that Josh might have developed stronger feelings for me. He continued to explain that sometimes, when guys get to a point that they grow so close to a male buddy they start getting confused about the love they experience and it causes them incredible inner conflict, and then they end up in a situation where they dont know how to deal with it and basically try and "get away from it all"

I was blown out of the water!

I never even considered that. I mean, Josh is incredibly homophobic so naturally that never even crossed my mind! But the strange thing is the more i think about his behaviour, the more i think that this might actually be true. There were tell-tale signs but i never really copped on about it. Small things - i will mention a few things:

* He'd try to make me jealous about things-which i never understood but i just rolled with it,
* he'd become jealous when i went out with other friends (not hugely, but i could tell it bothered him).
* He also doesnt have a girlfriend, which has alwyas been really strange to me. Girls will literally throw themselves at him and he'd have flings, and when i encourage him to get involved with someone, he would just usually say that women are just too much of a hassle right now and that he'd rather concentrate on his sports and other ativities.

But all this never really bothered me and i just thought he is like that. Which is fine, friends except one another the way they are, right?

He is an extremely private person and it took tons of energy from my side for him to start opening up about his personal life. We shared a lot of deep personal things which made his sudden disappearing act just so much more stranger!

i really enjoyed his friendship and we got on so incredibly well. I often mention to him that i love him - as a friend and not in a sexual way at all- indicating that i do care for him. So i want to help him, but i am not sure what to do. I honestly just want him to be happy. If he is struggling with emotions or how to relate them to guy friends, i really want to help him any way i can so that he is ok. I have told him (after the "break-up") that i will never judge him and that i will always be there for him as a friend.

So this has been a very hurtful experience for me, and it really made me sad. Yet i have forgiven him and made that very clear to him.

So any advice that anyone can offer would be appreciated.

AhInFairness

I wouldn't go taking your older friend's perspective as gospel and just assume that Josh is gay.

Tbh, he sounds like someone who might not have had very many friends in his life which is why he has become so attached to you. He may not know how to have healthy friendships that don't involve living in each other's pockets. He could possibly even be depressed - hence the overreaction to your comment and the crying. He sounds really intense. A hug after a big fight like that (from his side, I know) certainly doesn't sound like anything sexual so I wouldn't go reading too much into that at all.

Talk to him about it and see if he will open up about how is he feeling about life in general.

FouxDaFaFa

Obviously, I don't know either of you but I wouldn't be inclined to think that Josh is gay or has romantic feelings for you from your post.

I think that you just mean a lot to him after you supported him during his tough time. Perhaps whatever you said hit more of a nerve with him than you could have imagined, you never know what people might have been through in their lives.

I do think he seems a bit over-dependent on you but that's something to work out between the two of you. Does he have many other friends? Oh, and guys hug too. Especially close friends.

MindZoo

AhInFairness wrote: »

I wouldn't go taking your older friend's perspective as gospel and just assume that Josh is gay.

You are absolutely right. I honestly don't want to jump to that conclusion that he is. I am just taking in opinions to gain a better understanding of the situation. But I do think now that there is "something" there that he is struggling with, don't you?

AhInFairness wrote: »

Tbh, he sounds like someone who might not have had very many friends in his life which is why he has become so attached to you.

Correct, maybe not many "true" friends. Atleast none that I am aware of

AhInFairness wrote: »

A hug after a big fight like that (from his side, I know) certainly doesn't sound like anything sexual so I wouldn't go reading too much into that at all.

I don't think its sexual at all. I just think it took a lot for him to respond in that way.

AhInFairness wrote: »

Talk to him about it and see if he will open up about how is he feeling about life in general.

I have tried. On the surface, he seems ok. But deeper down there are things he is struggling with. But he has not shared that with me yet, and I dont think now that he ever will.

MindZoo

FouxDaFaFa wrote: »

Obviously, I don't know either of you but I wouldn't be inclined to think that Josh is gay or has romantic feelings for you from your post.

Ok

FouxDaFaFa wrote: »

Does he have many other friends?

He does yes. But maybe not so many "genuine" friends.

FouxDaFaFa wrote: »

Oh, and guys hug too. Especially close friends.

I know!

AhInFairness

MindZoo wrote: »

You are absolutely right. I honestly don't want to jump to that conclusion that he is. I am just taking in opinions to gain a better understanding of the situation. But I do think now that there is "something" there that he is struggling with, don't you?

Obviously there is a problem. You, however, seem to be focusing on the possibility of his being gay in your first post. People struggle with issues every single day, not all of them sexuality.

MindZoo wrote: »

I don't think its sexual at all. I just think it took a lot for him to respond in that way.

Again, your first post seems to imply that you found the hug to be a signal of his deeper feelings for you based on what your friend said. He was upset and clearly missed you as his friend and he hugged you.

MindZoo wrote: »

I have tried. On the surface, he seems ok. But deeper down there are things he is struggling with. But he has not shared that with me yet, and I dont think now that he ever will.

Why do you think now he never will? You said you patched things up. He's probably very embarassed about his reaction to the whole thing and may just need time to get the friendship back on a more even keel. A bit of effort on your part should help that. Keep him talking, ask him directly if he has anything he wants to talk about. He sounds like he needs help from somewhere.

Fentdog84

Probably the only way to iron this out completely is to have a chat to him and just ask him straight if he is or not. The obvious risk to that is a huge backlash from him and possibly the end of the friendship. So you need to ask if knowing is worth the risk or not. Personally, if he's just a good mate who I enjoy hanging out with now and again i would leave as well alone. But if there was problems where he was acting increasingly strange and jealous about me then I would have to bring the issue to a head with him.

gerryk

MindZoo wrote: »

...one day a couple of weeks ago i jokingly made a comment about something and he exploded and left...

What was the comment?

Beruthiel

MindZoo wrote: »

Josh is incredibly homophobic so naturally that never even crossed my mind!

Well, some men can be in denial to the fact that they are gay. As a result, they can become very homophobic until the realisation hits, if it ever does.

I'm not saying he's gay btw, just making an observation.
He does sound quite intense however, and him throwing a hissy fit and stomping off for a few weeks is something to wonder at.

He'd try to make me jealous about things-which i never understood but i just rolled with it

The behaviour of someone looking for attention.

So i want to help him, but i am not sure what to do.

I'm not sure you can do anything, especially if he is gay and in denial.

If it's just that this is the kind of person he is, then all you can do is talk through his odd behaviour with him and ask him why he does x, y or z.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I haven't read any of the replies so sorry if this isn't relevant now.

I had a very very very close friendship once. It was the definition of incestuous, as in "improperly intimate or interconnected", nothing to do with family, the word has more meanings that just the family definition.

Basically I was living with a house full of friends that included my best friend and my boyfriend. It got to the stage were me and my best friend actually started to look like each other, sound like each other and did literally everything together and it got unhealthy, we were way too dependent on each other. In my head the "we" I was part of wasn't 'me and my boyfriend', it was 'me and my boyfriend and my best friend'.

Of course it had to end and it did, in spectacular fashion. We had a couple of little fights and then it just descended into madness, it ended in her moving out and us not speaking for over a year. It took a full year for all the hurt and anger to go. I started talking to her again recently and we have a wonderful friendship now, it's healthy. We see each other maybe every second week or so, we go out together sometimes, it's a healthy normal friendship now, supportive and kind, you know, a proper friendship. She also has a boyfriend now and they're happy together.

With hindsight I can see it all so clearly, how it got to that stage. Because I was a very significant other she didn't look for a boyfriend and so she was a permanent third wheel. She was never made to feel like one, but ultimately she was and how can resentment and hurt not build from that? Her life was kinda on hold because she was so involved with me, our relationship didn't leave room in her life for anything else really. She slept with people sometimes but didn't have a long term relationship.

We were so involved that when it fell apart both of us were totally devastated. I lost stones in weight, I later found out she did too, it was like a really devastating break-up or divorce. As I sure you can see, that's just not healthy at all for a friendship, it was quite improperly intimate and interconnected, the definition of incestuous. We relied on each other to such an extent that it was a shield to the world, we hid in each other's shadow to an extent.

Luckily for me, my boyfriend is a saint and he never had a problem with her being with us all the time as long as I was happy and he was really there for me when it all fell apart.

OP, I told you all that because hindsight is a wonderful thing and I can see clearly how it happened. I also know why both of us were inclined to end up in a friendship like that but that's a different and longer story altogether.

I'm not saying your friendship is like what mine was but just thought telling you my story might be food for thought and give you some things to consider without me making assumptions on your issue.

Best of luck

Nothingbetter2d

when i was a teenager i had a friend that was incredibly homophobic.... about 10 years later he came out of the closet and told us all he was gay.

we reckon he was homophobic as a teenager because he was still in denial with his own feelings... since he came out he is actually alot better as a person

as a teenager he was often hostile towards people for no real reason, but now he seems normal.

analucija

Are you sure your friend isn't just jealous of something you have and he doesn't. Or he is not happy with the life he is currently living. I've seen similar although less dramatic blow ups when one friend ended in committed relationship, had children or got a better job and the other was stuck in a rut.

And if he is gay you can't do more than stay his friend.

MindZoo

AhInFairness wrote: »

Obviously there is a problem. You, however, seem to be focusing on the possibility of his being gay in your first post. People struggle with issues every single day, not all of them sexuality.

Honestly I am not. I am just considering various possibilities for his behavior.

AhInFairness wrote: »

Again, your first post seems to imply that you found the hug to be a signal of his deeper feelings for you based on what your friend said. He was upset and clearly missed you as his friend and he hugged you.

No, even though he is not "physical" in that way at all-he has even admitted it to me, I was surprised that he did! But yes, I agree with you that he wanted to express his remorse.

AhInFairness wrote: »

Why do you think now he never will? You said you patched things up. He's probably very embarassed about his reaction to the whole thing and may just need time to get the friendship back on a more even keel. A bit of effort on your part should help that. Keep him talking, ask him directly if he has anything he wants to talk about. He sounds like he needs help from somewhere.

You may be right. I will patiently wait ...

MindZoo

gerryk wrote: »

What was the comment?

Something incredibly simple and insignificant. It could have been similar to something as small as who is paying for the next round of pints.....

MindZoo

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I haven't read any of the replies so sorry if this isn't relevant now.

I had a very very very close friendship once. It was the definition of incestuous, as in "improperly intimate or interconnected", nothing to do with family, the word has more meanings that just the family definition.

Basically I was living with a house full of friends that included my best friend and my boyfriend. It got to the stage were me and my best friend actually started to look like each other, sound like each other and did literally everything together and it got unhealthy, we were way too dependent on each other. In my head the "we" I was part of wasn't 'me and my boyfriend', it was 'me and my boyfriend and my best friend'.

Of course it had to end and it did, in spectacular fashion. We had a couple of little fights and then it just descended into madness, it ended in her moving out and us not speaking for over a year. It took a full year for all the hurt and anger to go. I started talking to her again recently and we have a wonderful friendship now, it's healthy. We see each other maybe every second week or so, we go out together sometimes, it's a healthy normal friendship now, supportive and kind, you know, a proper friendship. She also has a boyfriend now and they're happy together.

With hindsight I can see it all so clearly, how it got to that stage. Because I was a very significant other she didn't look for a boyfriend and so she was a permanent third wheel. She was never made to feel like one, but ultimately she was and how can resentment and hurt not build from that? Her life was kinda on hold because she was so involved with me, our relationship didn't leave room in her life for anything else really. She slept with people sometimes but didn't have a long term relationship.

We were so involved that when it fell apart both of us were totally devastated. I lost stones in weight, I later found out she did too, it was like a really devastating break-up or divorce. As I sure you can see, that's just not healthy at all for a friendship, it was quite improperly intimate and interconnected, the definition of incestuous. We relied on each other to such an extent that it was a shield to the world, we hid in each other's shadow to an extent.

Luckily for me, my boyfriend is a saint and he never had a problem with her being with us all the time as long as I was happy and he was really there for me when it all fell apart.

OP, I told you all that because hindsight is a wonderful thing and I can see clearly how it happened. I also know why both of us were inclined to end up in a friendship like that but that's a different and longer story altogether.

I'm not saying your friendship is like what mine was but just thought telling you my story might be food for thought and give you some things to consider without me making assumptions on your issue.

Best of luck

TY. I really appreciate the time you took to share this experience. There are similarities in your story ...