A cheating parent?

pinkx101

i don't know whether to confront or not?
i have seen an inappropriate text to another man and have also found a memory card with some lets just say not so nice images on it.
i can tell when shes talking to "him" on the phone because she puts on this unusual voice that she doesn't use with anyone else and goes into another room to talk or sometimes even out of the house. if we're in the car and her phone rings she checks to see who it is then doesn't answer it or if we're together in a shop and she gets a phone call she will walk away and tell me to go away. this never happens when anyone else rings.
what would you do?

_dublinlad_

Jesus, just ask her!

In case this is completly innocent I would start off by by saying something like "I have always trusted you 100%, but lately I have stumpled across some things and noticed things that are making me think differently, is there anything your keeping from me...."

Make her look you in the eye when she responds. Do it subtley, but firmly. You are weeeeeelllllll within your rights to ask this question based on the stuff thats being goin on.

Dont wait another day to do this, I am sure this is eating you up inside..

hondasam

pinkx101 wrote: »

i don't know whether to confront or not?
i have seen an inappropriate text to another man and have also found a memory card with some lets just say not so nice images on it.
i can tell when shes talking to "him" on the phone because she puts on this unusual voice that she doesn't use with anyone else and goes into another room to talk or sometimes even out of the house. if we're in the car and her phone rings she checks to see who it is then doesn't answer it or if we're together in a shop and she gets a phone call she will walk away and tell me to go away. this never happens when anyone else rings.
what would you do?

It really is none on your business, she is entitled to her privacy.

_dublinlad_ wrote: »

, is there anything your keeping from me...."

What is she keeping from her she does not owe her daughter an explanation on how she lives her life.

_dublinlad_ wrote: »

You are weeeeeelllllll within your rights to ask this question based on the stuff thats being goin on.

No she is not, her mother is an adult.

_dublinlad_

OK, misread the OP. I thought it was the husband that had the suspisions here...

Personally I would still ask.

username123

Very awkward position to be in.

On the face of it, I agree with Hondasam.

However, it can introduce all kinds of guilts to the child that they are now hiding something from the other parent, and this can cause a lot of anxiety.

There is also the issue that suspicion is one thing, but the reality could be something completely different.

Overall, stay out of it, none of your business, but please talk to someone you can trust if you feel you are becoming anxious about it.

edellc

I understand that a parent is entitled to a private life however I think that since the OP has suspicions then they are entitled to sit down and speak to their parent about their worries, it may be innocent then again it may not be but its not fair on the other parent being lied to and its not fair on the child to have to shoulder something like this weather it be true or not, there is no way of finding out unless a conversation is had and I know that as a parent myself I would want my child to come to me with any concerns even if it was calling my behaviour into question

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I don't think it is wise to go charging in to "confront" and I think it really depends on you and your relationship with your parents as to whether you feel you can/should bring it up at all. It would certainly be completely alien to me to consider sitting opposite my mum/dad chatting away thinking that my other parent was cheating on them...especially if they had merrily made me an accessory by leaving compromising pictures around or taking suspicious phone-calls in my presence. Are you very close to your parents? Do you have a history of open discussion or is everything kept very hush-hush? Is she perhaps being so obvious in your presence because she wants you to know?

So the question then becomes how do you broach the topic if that's what you want to do - I think you clearly have to be somewhere private and also be prepared for being wrong and the fall-out from that, hearing denials or hearing an uncomfortable truth - whether that be that your parent marriage is over/unhappy or even that this is an arrangement they are both aware of and happy with...

Ultimately it's their life and the relationship dynamics your parents have/don't have/forge/destroy is for them to decide - but I think you certainly have the right to ask what's going on if you feel you are being forcibly made party to a very awkward and potentially explosive situation and your unwitting/unwilling involvement is likely to damage your relationship with someone you love; as that's a horribly unfair & selfish position for any parent to put their child in.

All the very best.

P. Breathnach

It's tricky to draw boundary lines in a situation like this. You have a legitimate interest in your family, so it's not so simple as to say that it is solely a matter between your parents.

I'm not offering advice, because I would want to know a great deal more about the people and the situation to do so. But I will suggest an idea for you to consider.

If you know the man about whom you have suspicions, drop his name into conversation with your mother on some flimsy pretext. Let her see that you are watching for her reaction. That should signal to her that you are aware that there is something afoot. That might be enough to bring home to her the dangerous game she is playing.

Or it might not.

missyb

Hi I am sorry to hear you are going through this, I find it odd that people expect you to be indifferent or clinical about something that may affect your family life, its not that easy to be so **** cool when people you deeply care about might end up being very hurt(if your suspicions are correct). If it was me, while I wouldnt tell my dad, Id talk to to my mam about it,I wouldnt be able not to. Or you could drop hints as has been suggested to you and see what her reaction is. Good luck no matter what you decide, and remember if your suspicions are correct its not upto you to bear the burden of telling your dad,its also not up to you to cover or protect your mothers actions either.

kunst nugget

hondasam wrote: »

It really is none on your business

That's BS. Just because you're an adult doesn't give you the freedom to be an asshat. This is something that is directly affecting the OP - through the fact that she doesn't seem to be bothered about hiding the fact that she's having an affair from them. It's something that's bound to have repercussions for them down the road in terms of trust issues and the possible fallout for the family unit when the husband discovers the affair. The fact that they're been told to go away when the mother is on the phone would make me believe that she's prioritising her liaison over her child and she's acting like a teenager herself.

Whether the OP should confront the mother or not is something I don't think I could advise on what she should do. It depends on a myriad of factors. Maybe you could ring someplace like Teenline who are a confidential non-judgemental service - sometimes just being able to talk about these things out loud can be a big help and can stop them from festering.

tbh

pinkx101 wrote: »

i don't know whether to confront or not?
i have seen an inappropriate text to another man and have also found a memory card with some lets just say not so nice images on it.
i can tell when shes talking to "him" on the phone because she puts on this unusual voice that she doesn't use with anyone else and goes into another room to talk or sometimes even out of the house. if we're in the car and her phone rings she checks to see who it is then doesn't answer it or if we're together in a shop and she gets a phone call she will walk away and tell me to go away. this never happens when anyone else rings.
what would you do?

if your parents are still together, I would let her know what you've found, and point out that if you know, there's a good chance your dad knows, or will find out. I would also point out that she's put you in an impossible position, where you have to keep a secret like this from your dad, and tell her she has a decision to make, one way or the other.

hondasam

kunst nugget wrote: »

That's BS. Just because you're an adult doesn't give you the freedom to be an asshat. This is something that is directly affecting the OP - through the fact that she doesn't seem to be bothered about hiding the fact that she's having an affair from them. It's something that's bound to have repercussions for them down the road in terms of trust issues and the possible fallout for the family unit when the husband discovers the affair. The fact that they're been told to go away when the mother is on the phone would make me believe that she's prioritising her liaison over her child and she's acting like a teenager herself.

Who said she is having an affair? there is a few phone calls etc but it might just be a bit of fun that will end itself in time.
I appreciate it is difficult for the daughter but she needs to take her time before doing anything drastic. If she is close to her mother she should be able to say it to her and get an explanation.
I do agree it's unfair she is in this situation caught between telling her father or keeping her mother's secret. It could be innocent.

Fitseeker

Not really sure what I'd do in your position, if it's something that's really tearing you up inside, if it's costing you sleep and troubling you alot, then I feel you'll have to ask about it. You don't need to be confrontational about this, as it's possible as bad as it looks, that there is an innocent explanation.

pinkx101

thanks for all your opinions and advice.
i have a very comfortable relationship with my mum and can usually talk to her about anything but this is an usual situation i've never been in and have no clue on how to approach it. how do i even bring up the topic?
and also i sometimes get the feeling that maybe my dad knows about it and although my parents love each other because they have been together for many years, my mum is having a bit of 'fun', as strange as it may sound.
and i don't know what to do if im wrong?

hondasam

pinkx101 wrote: »

thanks for all your opinions and advice.
i have a very comfortable relationship with my mum and can usually talk to her about anything but this is an usual situation i've never been in and have no clue on how to approach it. how do i even bring up the topic?
and also i sometimes get the feeling that maybe my dad knows about it and although my parents love each other because they have been together for many years, my mum is having a bit of 'fun', as strange as it may sound.
and i don't know what to do if im wrong?

Parents are not perfect and it's hard for kids to see this sometimes, we all want a happy family who stay's together.
Your dad may well know she is having a bit of fun, you don't know for sure she is having an affair, we all have male friends outside of marriage which is ok.
Some people will say flirting, phone calls, txts are cheating but they aren't imo.

username123

You see this is why its no one elses business but your parents.

No one knows the dynamic of anyones marriage. For all anyone knows the parents in this case are totally upfront and honest with each other and for one of a number of different reasons it is acceptable for a flirtatious relationship to be going on outside of the marriage itself.

There are really too many variables.
It could be nothing.
It could be something.
It could be something innocent.
It could be something less innocent but condoned.

What is an issue is that the OP is being left so confused and worried about this and to that end perhaps pointing out to the mother that certain signs and phonecalls have caused worry that her (the mothers) behaviour is inappropriate might be a way to approach that?

Ultimately, your mother should have more sense than to be worrying you like this but that leads me to think that it is in fact innocent because if there was something to hide then surely she would hide it better?

Alternatively maybe she thinks that you dont notice anything, so perhaps the best mode of action is to pointedly ask her about one of the phone calls immediately after she walks away to take it and to state that her behaviour is odd, her voice is funny and to ask why she is behaving that way? At least this puts her in the position of having to take on board that her behaviour is being noticed - regardless of whether or not she tells the truth as to what is going on.

I dont know what age you are OP but that might be relevant here, just that if you are a young teenager then perhaps you might be best placed to get advice from someone who works with teenagers and is familiar with issues?

pinkx101

username123 wrote: »

You see this is why its no one elses business but your parents.

No one knows the dynamic of anyones marriage. For all anyone knows the parents in this case are totally upfront and honest with each other and for one of a number of different reasons it is acceptable for a flirtatious relationship to be going on outside of the marriage itself.

There are really too many variables.
It could be nothing.
It could be something.
It could be something innocent.
It could be something less innocent but condoned.

What is an issue is that the OP is being left so confused and worried about this and to that end perhaps pointing out to the mother that certain signs and phonecalls have caused worry that her (the mothers) behaviour is inappropriate might be a way to approach that?

Ultimately, your mother should have more sense than to be worrying you like this but that leads me to think that it is in fact innocent because if there was something to hide then surely she would hide it better?

Alternatively maybe she thinks that you dont notice anything, so perhaps the best mode of action is to pointedly ask her about one of the phone calls immediately after she walks away to take it and to state that her behaviour is odd, her voice is funny and to ask why she is behaving that way? At least this puts her in the position of having to take on board that her behaviour is being noticed - regardless of whether or not she tells the truth as to what is going on.

I dont know what age you are OP but that might be relevant here, just that if you are a young teenager then perhaps you might be best placed to get advice from someone who works with teenagers and is familiar with issues?

Thanks for your advice, im 17 years old btw

username123

pinkx101 wrote: »

Thanks for your advice, im 17 years old btw

So for all intents and purposes you are an adult.

Is there any chance that you could have misread the text message you found and same for images on a memory card?

Whatever happens I would not advise jumping in and accusing anyone of anything, just in case the situation is not actually as it appears. I think the wiser course of action is to address one incident as I mentioned above and just ask why the funny voice, why the walking away to take the call etc.., or to do nothing at all (which is not really what anyone wants to hear).

Have you anyone you can talk to, a trusted friend, a relation?

newport2

pinkx101 wrote: »

Thanks for your advice, im 17 years old btw

If possible I would talk to someone who you can trust and who is closer to you and the situation about how to deal with this. It's obviously bothering you a lot, so you have to sort it out one way or another for yourself, whether that means talking to your mother or not.

Nobody here - including myself - knows enough about the situation to give you sound advice.

Good luck

P. Breathnach

You're faced with this dilemma when you are 17? That's horrible for you. You're at the age where your mother should be worried about the danger of your getting into inappropriate relationships, but it's the other way around.

I presume that you are living at home and financially dependent on your parents. That gives you a stake in the situation, and you have some moral right to tackle it: your mother might be putting your family setup at risk. But what can you do?

You could, as I and others have suggested, drop hints and hope that your mother picks up on them and either reassures you that you have been misreading the situation or cops on to herself and gets things back to where you would want them to be.

I agree with newport2 that people here don't know enough about the people and the situation to give you good advice. But where can you turn to find a confidant? You already know that it's a very difficult problem for a 17 year old, and I don't think it likely that you can share the problem with friends of your own age - besides, many of your friends probably know your mother. I imagine that most of the more experienced people you know are relations or family friends, and it could be very dangerous discussing your worries with them. There was a suggestion from kunst_nugget that you contact teenline. I know nothing about them, but their website (http://www.teenline.ie/) makes them look as if they might be a good option. Perhaps some other people here might know a bit about them and say whether or not that might be useful in a situation like yours.

You seem to be doing well so far: reading the signs and seeing a potential problem, but not jumping to conclusions. I hope things work out well for all concerned.

IrishEyes19

hondasam wrote: »

It really is none on your business, she is entitled to her privacy.



What is she keeping from her she does not owe her daughter an explanation on how she lives her life.



No she is not, her mother is an adult.

She has every right to know if its going on in the family home. Cheating at the end of the day is wrong. And if your suspicions are correct and they choose to do it in your family home at the expense of a family member, then it is your business.

hondasam

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

She has every right to know if its going on in the family home. Cheating at the end of the day is wrong. And if your suspicions are correct and they choose to do it in your family home at the expense of a family member, then it is your business.

Where did she say she did it in the family home?

newport2

hondasam wrote: »

It really is none on your business, she is entitled to her privacy.



What is she keeping from her she does not owe her daughter an explanation on how she lives her life.



No she is not, her mother is an adult.

If you strongly suspected your Mother or Father was being cheated on on an ongoing basis, would you find it easy just to say to yourself "None of my business" and ignore it?

What would you say if your parent that was getting cheated on found out and figured you had a good idea it was going on? "Sorry Dad/Mum, but it was none of my business. So I said nothing and let it continue"?

I can't imagine much worse scenarios to be in myself. I don't think doing nothing on the basis of it's none of my business would be an option for me either.

If you suspected your best mate was getting cheated on, would you say nothing to them? If so, why would your father or mother deserve less?

Taltos

Guys - less of the debate and focus on advice instead.
Remember off topic posting can and does result in warnings / infractions / bans.

Taltos

savvyav

OP, when I was 19 I was using my dad's phone to make a call and a really inappropriate message from someone I'd never heard of flashed up on it. There was no mistaking what the message was referring to and I completely freaked out. I waited until my mum went out later that day and I confronted him. Cue a lot of drama and excuses from him. He told me he had been having a relationship with a woman in work and I would have to think carefully about what I did next, as if I went down and told my mam, I would be responsible for breaking up the family (!). My mam had just lost her dad and wasn't coping too well with the death, so I decided to keep my mouth shut. My parents briefly separated a year later and then I told my mother about what I knew. Parents got back together, split again, dad moved in with the woman and parents are now divorced. For that year that I was keeping my dad's grubby little secret, I felt awful, it literally ate me up. I had panic attacks, lost weight from stress, college work suffered hugely and I barely spoke to my dad. However, I don't regret protecting my mam like that as I genuinely feel (and she agrees with me) that she probably would have had a break down if I had told her at that point.

If you really feel that you can't live without knowing the truth, then ask your mum, but be prepared for the fall out. If she tells you something you don't want to hear, it will change your relationship with her. I know some posters here are saying its none of your business what your mum does, but the way I see it is, if you're really very worried about it, then you have the right to ask.
Alternatively, maybe talk to your dad? You don't need to tell him straight out about your suspicions, but maybe a gentle 'is everything ok with you and mam?' type chat might answer a few questions.

Best of luck- its an awful situation to be in.