Fearing I am turning into a misandrist

LegacyUser

A long time ago, in a relationship, mind games were used on me and looking back it was probably his way of finishing with me and letting me know through his lack of actions. He saying one thing, doing another and delivering the sweetest words & apologies. Probably hoping I would just get pissed off and fcek off but I was too young and naive.

That took an awful lot out of me. I found it very hard but time was a healer and it took time, eventually he and the situation just fading.

I spend the rest of my 20s being single but happily so and what I experienced above played a part somewhat. I didn't have any desire to be in a relationship or to have that special someone in my life. Also out of fear of being hurt. I'm a better person now for it. If I was to enter into a relationship tomorrow something that I could bring to it is independence. I love my time and my space. I see other people who can't do a tap with others - partners, friends. So a partner definately wouldn't be smothered with me.

So anyways last year, in my late 20s, I began to feel something missing in my life and that was a relationship and intimacy. So I tried internet dating. It made sense at the time. I wasn't throwing all my eggs in the one basket and with a thinking of fun. If anything happens and leads to something more - great. If not, so be it.

Eventually I had a date with someone and we made a connection. Now it was only a date but afterwards it was followed by empty promises, hot and cold, flakiness. I'm not going to lie but all that hurt. To be kept waiting for him for nothing. Somewhere between all that I had dates with others with some nice men but nothing came of them due to the situation above. It got a hold of me and I became withdraw trying to figure it out and waiting around for a false hope that was never to be.

Not only was it hard, but it also brought up the old wounds from the past.

I'm doing ok now but I think I am turning into a misandrist which is absolutely completely irrirational because everyone is different. I long for intimacy but am hateful of men. Not a sheer hatred of men. I see the goodness in people. I suppose for relationship wise. I have men in my life who I love and admire so much from brothers, some of their mates, to my employer, uncles, cousins, etc but I suppose I am fearful of letting anyone new in. I want to get up, get on and move on but how do I do this when I was so badly hurt.

daisybelle2008

You said you were going to do Internet dating with fun in mind and not put all your eggs in one basket. But you did the opposite.
Seriously your problem is not men. It is that you put too much stock in words and not actions.
People will try to let you down gently and say nice things to avoid drama. You should not be so caught up after one date that it even matters a jot.
Take some responsibility yourself and listen to your own intuition, not a strangers lines.
I am sure there was no malice he just did not feel the same way.

Be careful about castigating him, it will fuel your man hating. Just look at your own role and stop being so much of a martyr to these situations.
If someone is not treating you the way you like,move on. Set some standards for yourself. People treat you the way you let them.

The Corinthian

Misandrist wrote: »

I'm doing ok now but I think I am turning into a misandrist which is absolutely completely irrirational because everyone is different. I long for intimacy but am hateful of men. Not a sheer hatred of men. I see the goodness in people. I suppose for relationship wise. I have men in my life who I love and admire so much from brothers, some of their mates, to my employer, uncles, cousins, etc but I suppose I am fearful of letting anyone new in. I want to get up, get on and move on but how do I do this when I was so badly hurt.

When I was in my early twenties I was pretty much convinced that most, if not all, women are nutjobs to one degree or other. To that point it had been my experience that many had daddy-issues, mammy-issues, bizarre sexual kinks and a wealth of other neuroses and psychoses.

One evening I found myself sitting in the pub with a group of female friends who began to speak openly and graphically about the men in their lives. It was then that I realized that men are just as prone to daddy-issues, mammy-issues, bizarre sexual kinks and a wealth of other neuroses and psychoses. Some manifest differently to women, some are exactly the same, but in practice there appears to be little difference.

I concluded that I had only thought that it was women who are prone to be nutjobs simply because my experience in relationships was with women.

To a degree I think you are falling into the same trap as I originally fell into, because your experience in relationships has been with men. You've not experienced women who are bunny-boilers, princesses, drama queens, gold-diggers, or all the other unpleasant types than heterosexual men (and no doubt gay women) will experience first hand.

It's just that there are good people and bad and neither gender has a monopoly on either, or frankly is less sinned against than sinning. Perhaps if you keep this in mind it might help put it in perspective and allow you to deal with what I'm sure you realize are irrational misandrist prejudices.

beks101

I can empathise a lot with you OP. I went through something similar that sort of dictated my dating life for a good number of years.

I don't think you're a misandrist. I think you're just doing the very human thing of tarring an entire group with the same brush to prevent yourself from future hurt. You have men in your life that you love and respect and admire, but the men that you had a romantic connection with hurt you and let you down - it's easier to dismiss them all as romantically unreliable, flaky, players who will let you down, than it is to get back on the saddle and run the risk of going through all that hurt again.

I think sometimes we underestimate how difficult it can be to open up to someone and make yourself vulnerable enough to develop a meaningful relationship with a partner, especially when you've had it thrown back in your face in the past. It's bloody hard to do. And it's terrifying. I know for me, I sort of made a silent pact with myself not to let it happen again. And my cynical, negative approach to 'men' wasn't borne out of any misandric tendencies: I had men in my life that I loved and admired, close male friends who I'd be lost without, an awesome father. It was purely self-protective.

Be patient with yourself. Make as many male friends as you can, or if you already have many, hang out with them, spend time in male company. Don't worry about dating, especially internet dating because I think the quotient of flakes, time wasters and players online can be high. (Not that nice guys don't do the internet dating thing: I just think you're more likely to have to dig to find them, and the last thing your self-confidence needs right now is more of these encounters)

What happened with me was, I made a conscious decision to change my dating behaviour. Where I once would have agonised over some guy I liked not texting back, jerking me around with contact...I resolved to cut those guys out and move onto the next. Be a little bit ruthless with yourself and recognise those behaviours for what they are. You'll never win someone like that over and you'll never need to: you deserve better.

The main thing was, I decided that if I liked a guy, I would just bloody show it and ask him out; something I never would have done in the past. That's how I met my boyfriend.Take control of your love life. Give guys a chance and instead of expecting them to let you down, make the effort to show them that you like them and are willing to make the effort. I'll bet your body language isn't exhibiting somebody that's open and affectionate and forthcoming: it's probably the opposite. Try to change that. Try to be more welcoming, more open if you're in a dating situation.

And remember that we all get hurt. You can bet your life that any guy you meet has been let down, hurt, used, rejected, disappointed and devastated by the opposite sex: this is just the nature of dating. It's not a reflection on you and it's not a reflection on the opposite sex and it's certainly not a reason to give up, pack it all in and vow never to do it again. It's a learning curve

Best of luck OP.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I think you have to take on board some personal responsibility for both your own happiness and the unhappiness you allow yourself to live with, rather than holding an entire gender responsible for you being too "young and naive" and for allowing yourself to be "kept waiting" to the point you get irrationally bitter.

I think you also have to stop looking romantically at "men" like some hive-mind alien species which is probably out to get you and accept they have as many foibles as women do and their behaviour is no different to anyone else on the planet in it's diversity from the very best to the very worst.

Most of all though, I think you have to accept that everyone gets hurt by others at some stage and most dust themselves off, pick themselves up and get back out there. Think about it; there are a bazillion songs, poems, books and films given over to broken hearts - I think to some extent you just have to accept that as part and parcel of opening up and trusting someone in order to have a relationship with them. Keep reminding yourself that trust is both earned and maintained and make sure you get out of any relationship you aren't happy in - and when entering into any date/relationship just take things slowly and remain open eyed and pragmatic.

All the best. :cool: