Disaster Birthday

totallyweird12

hi all Im writing this to see if I am unreasonable as my husband said i was...
Thankfully in this economy we both have jobs so at the present time so money isnt too tight
it was my birthday recently so we went for dinner like we always do for such occasions so during dinner i asked when i was getting my present as this is what we always do
he nearly blew a gasket saying my expectations were way to high we are married over 3 years so i thought a present wasnt a unreasonable request as i genuninely thought he was teasing me he hadnt given it to me all that day so we ended up having a blazing row & going straight home
really feel like i dont mean anything to him & i didnt even deserve some of his time to pick me out a present help please am i over reacting or am i within my rights to expect a present how ever small

Pa Dee

totallyweird12 wrote: »

hi all Im writing this to see if I am unreasonable as my husband said i was...
Thankfully in this economy we both have jobs so at the present time so money isnt too tight
it was my birthday recently so we went for dinner like we always do for such occasions so during dinner i asked when i was getting my present as this is what we always do
he nearly blew a gasket saying my expectations were way to high we are married over 3 years so i thought a present wasnt a unreasonable request as i genuninely thought he was teasing me he hadnt given it to me all that day so we ended up having a blazing row & going straight home
really feel like i dont mean anything to him & i didnt even deserve some of his time to pick me out a present help please am i over reacting or am i within my rights to expect a present how ever small

I would say you are over reacting. It sounds toddlerish....."where's my present? where's my present ? where's my present?". There are more important things in life

Kimia

^^ Thats really unfair to say P.

The OP clearly doesn't feel appreciated and a dinner is something that is not out of the ordinary for them, so she naturally assumed that he would have a card or some sort of offering to show how much he loves her.

The fact that he got angry with you on your birthday is also really mean. It's like he kinda knew that you'd be disappointed so he overreacted with you so that you would back off as who wants to row on their birthday?

You need to sit down with him and explain that his actions have made you feel unloved and unappreciated.

Degringola

Well I'm married decades longer than you and we always get each other presents. I don't think you're being unreasonable in your expectation. While it may not have been the wisest thing in retrospect to mention it over dinner, your husband's reaction doesn't seem very kind. But no doubt he has cooled down by now and may regret what he said.

Stavro Mueller

I just wonder is there more to this than meets the eye? Was it the last straw that broke the camel's back?

_dublinlad_

I can see both sides here.

First off, I dont think its right to ask "when am I getting my present". Sure, he should have gotten you something, but the normal thing to do would be to not mention it all, wait for him to bring it up and then act suprised once a gift is given to you.

In saying that, he should have gotten you a present, if money was tight then he could have gotten you something small, or explain to you prior to the meal that he couldnt aford anything at this time and that he would make it up to you later..

This arguement sounds like it goes much deeper then a birthday present (or lack there of) tho...

Ickle Magoo

Hmmm...I don't think anyone has the "right" to expect anything. But having had presents previous years and you having bought presents for him there is no reason why you should have known or been okay with one not being forthcoming this year.

Now, I said forthcoming because asking where a present is wouldn't be the politest way of approaching things ime, but you have different relationship dynamic to me and that may well be the way you usually do things.

I'd have to agree with some of the other posters tho - deliberately not getting a present without prior discussion when there is no financial impediment and there is a clear expectation or historic "norm" already established is very odd...as is the OTT reaction to your asking if you had a present. I think you need to dig a bit deeper than a birthday present and find out what the matter really is.

All the best OP.

tinkerbell

I think you were being very unreasonable. You should never ask "where's my present", I just think it's so rude and presumptious.

P. Breathnach

I'm going to make a guess about the pattern of responses here: those who normally exchange birthday presents with their partners will think your expectations are reasonable, and those who don't will think otherwise. But my key point is this: couples vary, and there is no right and wrong answer. Herself knows better than to expect birthday presents from me, but is quite accustomed to getting presents when there is no special calendar event - simply that I have come across something I think she might like.

I really don't think (but I note Ickle_Magoo has a different view) that 3 years is long enough to have a set-in-stone pattern.

Your husband's strong reaction was unfortunate. I don't want to judge it, because I don't know enough. It might have been triggered by your asking in a manner that unsettled him; it might have been that he felt some guilt about making a wrong judgement; it might be that he was wholly unreasonable - I just don't know.

I hope that you are both over the row, and that you are now looking back and examining what happened. I suggest that you need to have a conversation where you each explain what you think is appropriate in recognising one another, and try to reconcile your different viewpoints.

One more thing: if he comes home next week and presents you with something nice, saying that it is a late birthday present, how would you view it? Would it be atonement, a peace offering, or something you dragged out of him?

Dubhlinner

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I really don't think (but I note Ickle_Magoo has a different view) that 3 years is long enough to have a set-in-stone pattern.

Well married 3 years. Though they've obviously been seeing each other and presumedly bought each other presents for longer than that.

I think it was pretty poor form of the husband. I'd speculate there's a lot more to it to be honest.

leeroybrown

I think it's a little unfair to have a go at the OP for asking "when am I getting my present?". She was looking forward to a gift (the norm in their case) and she'd probably make an effort for her birthday every year. Personally, I'm really not that bothered about gifts but there's a short list of close family who I'll always make an effort for. They do the same for me. They'd probably be a bit disappointed if I suddenly decided not to bother anymore without saying so in advance. It's the thought and effort that counts not the money.

That said, I don't think it means your husband loves you any less - just that you place a different value on token things such as gifts.

From my outside view it sounds like both you and your husband overreacted in the situation. It shouldn't have degenerated into a big row and the two of you probably need to sit down and have a chat about it and what you expect.

hondasam

totallyweird12 wrote: »

hi all Im writing this to see if I am unreasonable as my husband said i was...
Thankfully in this economy we both have jobs so at the present time so money isnt too tight
it was my birthday recently so we went for dinner like we always do for such occasions so during dinner i asked when i was getting my present as this is what we always do
he nearly blew a gasket saying my expectations were way to high we are married over 3 years so i thought a present wasnt a unreasonable request as i genuninely thought he was teasing me he hadnt given it to me all that day so we ended up having a blazing row & going straight home
really feel like i dont mean anything to him & i didnt even deserve some of his time to pick me out a present help please am i over reacting or am i within my rights to expect a present how ever small

No you are not unreasonable he is thoughtless, it's nice to treat the people you love. I'm not saying it has to be something big but flowers would not be such a big deal or a little gift.

indough

or taking them out to dinner?

hondasam

indough wrote: »

or taking them out to dinner?

Going for dinner is for both people, birthday gift is for the birthday person only.

indough

what difference does that make? would the ops boyfriend have gone for dinner on his own if it wasn't her birthday? essentially the op got annoyed because she only got one treat this year instead of the usual two, which is unreasonable. unless of course she was paying for her own dinner

iguana

indough wrote: »

what difference does that make? would the ops boyfriend have gone for dinner on his own if it wasn't her birthday? essentially the op got annoyed because she only got one treat this year instead of the usual two, which is unreasonable. unless of course she was paying for her own dinner

Did you read the OP's post at all? She doesn't have a boyfriend she has a husband, the odds are they have some sort of joint income. For birthdays they have a tradition of going for dinner and exchanging gifts. The problem is that the OP feels her husband didn't give her any thought and going for dinner as they always do, but not bothering to give her a gift as they always do with no prior explanation as to why, is damn thoughtless.

hondasam

indough wrote: »

what difference does that make? would the ops boyfriend have gone for dinner on his own if it wasn't her birthday? essentially the op got annoyed because she only got one treat this year instead of the usual two, which is unreasonable. unless of course she was paying for her own dinner

I think you are missing the point tbh, going for dinner is nice but it's not exactly a treat for anyone these days and he also went.
It's nothing to do with who pays, fact is he got the same thing for her birthday as she got.
I'm sure he could have bought her perfume or got her a voucher for some place, she did say money is not the issue.

dogyworld1

hondasam wrote: »

I think you are missing the point tbh, going for dinner is nice but it's not exactly a treat for anyone these days and he also went.
It's nothing to do with who pays, fact is he got the same thing for her birthday as she got.
I'm sure he could have bought her perfume or got her a voucher for some place, she did say money is not the issue.

Just because she says money is not an issue doesnt mean the husband thinks of it that way.
I am not been sexist, but my own partner always says money is not an issue, we both have jobs now, both pay the bills.
And she thinks its not an issue because infact im the one who throws all my wages out to get all the food, the babys nappies and special milk.
Where as half of her wages get spent on what she wants, i dont have a problem with that, if shes happy im happy, but then when it comes to birthdays or christmas, just like this christmas, i brought her out instead of a present and she got upset saying do you not love me anymore? i mean come on, i personaly think money is an issue and "money" doesnt buy love of what you and your husband have, if a present was really what you cared about then thats really selfish considering he brought you out for a nice meal,


he should of told you before yas went out that he didnt get you a present.

Basicly what im saying is, you cant listen just to her side of the story
because we dont know the full story


now back on topic

Op it was very rude for you to say that , its quite childish , if my partner had of said that to me i would of been insulted to be honest.
But in saying that your husband lashed out at you causing a row in a public place which is also very childish, if he didnt get you a present ( assuming he gets you one every year ) and this year he didnt
well then obviously its something to do with money issues

theirs so much more i want to say on this topic but il leave it seen as il get an infraction if i do.

hondasam

dogyworld1 wrote: »

Just because she says money is not an issue doesnt mean the husband thinks of it that way.
I am not been sexist, but my own partner always says money is not an issue, we both have jobs now, both pay the bills.
And she thinks its not an issue because infact im the one who throws all my wages out to get all the food, the babys nappies and special milk.
Where as half of her wages get spent on what she wants, i dont have a problem with that, if shes happy im happy, but then when it comes to birthdays or christmas, just like this christmas, i brought her out instead of a present and she got upset saying do you not love me anymore? i mean come on, i personaly think money is an issue and "money" doesnt buy love of what you and your husband have, if a present was really what you cared about then thats really selfish considering he brought you out for a nice meal,

Fair point about the money. I have never had that issue of my money, his money etc as we always had a joint a/c and bills got paid and whatever else.
I agree a present is not everything but he always got her a birthday present until this year and lets face it's not like they are married years and he has run out of things to buy her.
I don't think she should have mentioned it in the restaurant and he should not have caused a scene. I would put it down to a bad moment for both of them.

indough

iguana wrote: »

Did you read the OP's post at all? She doesn't have a boyfriend she has a husband, the odds are they have some sort of joint income. For birthdays they have a tradition of going for dinner and exchanging gifts. The problem is that the OP feels her husband didn't give her any thought and going for dinner as they always do, but not bothering to give her a gift as they always do with no prior explanation as to why, is damn thoughtless.

yes i read it and the difference between them being husband and wife or long-term boyfriend and girlfriend has no bearing on the issue. so she is used to getting treated very well by getting both a special birthday present and treated to dinner? that should work in his favour not against him just because she didn't get both this year. there is nothing in the first post to suggest that all their money goes into the same pot and even if it does i did state that the dinner was only a present/treat/whatever you want to call it if she wasnt paying for it herself

hondasam wrote: »

I think you are missing the point tbh, going for dinner is nice but it's not exactly a treat for anyone these days and he also went.
It's nothing to do with who pays, fact is he got the same thing for her birthday as she got.
I'm sure he could have bought her perfume or got her a voucher for some place, she did say money is not the issue.

of course it has to do with who pays. if you pay for somebodys dinner then that is a present. therefore she would have been expecting two presents, which is unreasonable. whether he was also treating himself at the same time he was treating her is utterly irrelevant

iguana

indough wrote: »

so she is used to getting treated very well by getting both a special birthday present and treated to dinner?

What? I wonder if you are projecting your own issues here? Your own relationship sounds somewhat inequitable and as such you seem to have a problem with someone else who wants parity. She is used to them both treating each other the same way on their birthdays. This year he didn't treat her as she always treats him and he usually treats her and she is upset because of how she found out.

hondasam

indough wrote: »

of course it has to do with who pays. if you pay for somebodys dinner then that is a present. therefore she would have been expecting two presents, which is unreasonable. whether he was also treating himself at the same time he was treating her is utterly irrelevant

She is unreasonable to expect two presents even though he is getting the same present as her when he is having dinner. In my book she has not got a present.

rainbowtrout

indough wrote: »

yes i read it and the difference between them being husband and wife or long-term boyfriend and girlfriend has no bearing on the issue. so she is used to getting treated very well by getting both a special birthday present and treated to dinner? that should work in his favour not against him just because she didn't get both this year. there is nothing in the first post to suggest that all their money goes into the same pot and even if it does i did state that the dinner was only a present/treat/whatever you want to call it if she wasnt paying for it herself



of course it has to do with who pays. if you pay for somebodys dinner then that is a present. therefore she would have been expecting two presents, which is unreasonable. whether he was also treating himself at the same time he was treating her is utterly irrelevant

Not necessarily. The OP has said that they always go out for dinner for special occasions. That implies they would also go for dinner for her birthday, his birthday, perhaps their wedding anniversary, Valentine's Day etc. Her post also suggests that a precedent has been set that they give gifts for birthdays and have also done so in the past. So it would seem that going for dinner is the normal run of things for any special occasion with them, regardless of whose birthday it is, but that a gift is given on the birthday. So it wasn't unreasonable for her to expect a gift this time. Her timing could perhaps have been better and the way she asked about it, but if money isn't the issue as the OP says it isn't, she's left wondering why he hasn't made the effort. It's not about the value of the gift, it's about the fact that her husband couldn't put any thought or effort into giving even a small token to her.

samina

I can't understand the posters who think it is rude for someone to ask a spouse where there present is. When a pattern is set of course one is going to query why the other has broken the pattern without discussing it previously regardless of what it is.

Op I too would be upset. Even for a friend I would not buy them a meal as a gift unless they knew beforehand it was their gift. If money were tight a small gift and a meal at home would have been better. Buying himself and his wife dinner is not a gift to her it is a celebration.

_dublinlad_

samina wrote: »

I can't understand the posters who think it is rude for someone to ask a spouse where there present is. When a pattern is set of course one is going to query why the other has broken the pattern without discussing it previously regardless of what it is.

Disagree.

I cant imagine any situation, under any circumstaces that the words "When am I getting my present" would be uttered from my mouth. It dosent matter if it was a 50 year routine, there are just some things that are not (for the want of a better word) "classy" to say.

By all means be angry the next day that he didnt get you a present though...

Jess16

How rude and ungracious to demand a present from someone. Feeling disappointed is one thing but to literally question someone reeks of bad manners and a horrible sense of entitlement.

If somebody chooses to give you something OP, thank them for it and keep your disappointment private -people should never be taken for granted, in any circumstances

samina

We'll have to agree to disagree. I think that a wife or husband is entitled to a present from their spouse. Be it a 1 euro scratch card or a holiday. I would never ask anyone other than my spouse for a present no more than I would ask anyone else if they have any money on them when I'm running to the shop as i think that wounfelt extremely rude. but with my spouse I don't have to be pretentious, or worry about him thinking I have a sense of entitlement or that I have bad manners because I expect a birthday present he's seen me at my worst as I have him. But hey every marriage is different.

LegacyUser

To be honest op your post sounds very one sided. I can't say one way or the other if you over reacted or not as I only have your side of events. Frankly if it did happen exactly as you claim then I'd be more concerned as to way my partner freaked out like that. Maybe your money issues aren't as secure as you think or your oh has been hiding money issues from you. Regardless your partners so you need to sit down and talk to each other as such and not going polling random folks on the Internet to back up your veiw on the issue

Salty

Jess16 wrote: »

How rude and ungracious to demand a present from someone. Feeling disappointed is one thing but to literally question someone reeks of bad manners and a horrible sense of entitlement.

If somebody chooses to give you something OP, thank them for it and keep your disappointment private -people should never be taken for granted, in any circumstances

I very much doubt that she demanded the present tbh. I would imagine since she said she thought he might be teasing her by not giving it to her the entire day that she said it in a light-hearted/messing kind of manner. I don't see where people are getting that she asked him rudely.

Also, as stated several times before, it is a tradition that they always go for dinner on special occasions, and give gifts for birthdays. This means, obviously, for his birthday, they went for dinner, and she gave him a gift as they always do. It is certainly not unreasonable to expect the same gesture in return, especially one which is not unusual for them.

nkay1985

Sounds to me from the OP that, yes, they may go out for dinner for lots of different occasions but I'd put money on it that it's her husband who pays for these meals. On this occasion (her birthday) he treated her by bringing her out for a meal. It's not as if she's been asked to pay her share of the dinner like so she has, undeniably, been given the gift of a night out.

The OP comes across as horribly childish and petty to expect something on top of a night out. I'd love if shed come back and tell us what she usually does for him for his birthday and see just how equitable her behaviour is.

LegacyUser

indough wrote: »

what difference does that make? would the ops boyfriend have gone for dinner on his own if it wasn't her birthday? essentially the op got annoyed because she only got one treat this year instead of the usual two, which is unreasonable. unless of course she was paying for her own dinner

On her birthday? I cannot ever imagine my husband taking me out for my birthday and expect me to pay for my half, that would be ruder and more tight ar*e than not getting a present.

I am not sure why the severity of the argument other than how it was asked. I would never ask or expect a gift from anyone on my birthday and this includes my husband. I am one of those who would prefer a nice dinner out instead as I am the one always cooking at home.

Asking somebody for a present reaks of entitlement and childish behaviour regardless if it is something he has done in the past. It sounds to me like a child asking "where is my present" to their parents. At least with a child, they usually don't know any better. An adult is supposed to have tact and diplomacy. I would agree with what one poster said as to maybe wait the following day and ask him if it really bothered you that much. He may have had a surpised planned out for later. I just hope to dear God you were not sitting next to other patrons who had to listen to what was going on. Maybe this explains the husband's anger, he may have been embarassed. There can be load of reasons why a present was not purhcased for that day but to ask over what was supposed to be an intimate dinner would change anyone's mood.

In my opinion, gifts are to be appreciated not expected no matter the occasion and who the person is.

AhInFairness

nkay1985 wrote: »

Sounds to me from the OP that, yes, they may go out for dinner for lots of different occasions but I'd put money on it that it's her husband who pays for these meals. On this occasion (her birthday) he treated her by bringing her out for a meal. It's not as if she's been asked to pay her share of the dinner like so she has, undeniably, been given the gift of a night out.

The OP comes across as horribly childish and petty to expect something on top of a night out. I'd love if shed come back and tell us what she usually does for him for his birthday and see just how equitable her behaviour is.

Why would you put money on it that the husband pays for these meals? Would you assume that the husband pays when it is his birthday? If so, why? Why is it so beyond you to think that the wife could pay for a meal out?

Tbh, given that they are married I think it is far more likely that these meals come out of joint finances.

I don't see the OP as being childish and petty, and as another poster said, I seriously doubt she demanded a present from him or asked him in a rude way. She said herself that they traditionally go out for dinner and exchange gifts so why is she so wrong to assume that's what would be happening this year, particularly when he indicated nothing to the contrary?

hondasam

nkay1985 wrote: »

Sounds to me from the OP that, yes, they may go out for dinner for lots of different occasions but I'd put money on it that it's her husband who pays for these meals. On this occasion (her birthday) he treated her by bringing her out for a meal. It's not as if she's been asked to pay her share of the dinner like so she has, undeniably, been given the gift of a night out.

The OP comes across as horribly childish and petty to expect something on top of a night out. I'd love if shed come back and tell us what she usually does for him for his birthday and see just how equitable her behaviour is.

So what if the husband pays. I know some couples keep finances separate but in general married couple have joint finances so both pay regardless of who actually pays the cashier.
I don't think she is unreasonable to want a little gift from her husband on her birthday. Some people don't care about birthdays and others do.

reprazant

hondasam wrote: »

I think you are missing the point tbh, going for dinner is nice but it's not exactly a treat for anyone these days and he also went.
It's nothing to do with who pays, fact is he got the same thing for her birthday as she got.
I'm sure he could have bought her perfume or got her a voucher for some place, she did say money is not the issue.

I disagree. For a start, we don't know what type of restaurant it was. It could have been a seriously fancy one, which is a treat to everyone bar the well off really.

As for him getting the same as what she got, by that rational, if I whisked my other half off for a week in the sun for her birthday, then that is not a present either as I am also enjoying it. Really, I have to disagree.

silly

I don't think that the OP was being un reasonable by asking her husband about a present. They are both adults - They are married, so obviously know eachother well. there is nothing wrong with saying "sooooo, am i getting a present?" to someone you know so well. I dont think she was demanding - simply asking.

reprazant

silly wrote: »

I don't think that the OP was being un reasonable by asking her husband about a present. They are both adults - They are married, so obviously know eachother well. there is nothing wrong with saying "sooooo, am i getting a present?" to someone you know so well. I dont think she was demanding - simply asking.

She didn't ask IF she was getting a present, she asked when she was getting it.

totallyweird12 wrote: »

it was my birthday recently so we went for dinner like we always do for such occasions so during dinner i asked when i was getting my present as this is what we always do

To me, that seems a little bit crass but then again, if the birthday/present situation had changed in my relation, it would be discussed beforehand so I can't help but think there is more to this.

Jess16

hondasam wrote: »

I don't think she is unreasonable to want a little gift from her husband on her birthday.

Nobody said she is unreasonable for wanting a gift, she is being unreasonable for disrespectfully questioning another adult when said gift wasn't forthcoming, as though it was her God-given right to receive one.

silly wrote: »

there is nothing wrong with saying "sooooo, am i getting a present?" to someone you know so well. I dont think she was demanding - simply asking.

It is wrong-if someone has a present for you, you'll know about it when they give it to you. There is absolutey no need to ask and subsequently embarrass the person for not getting you a gift and then cause a drama about it entitled 'disaster birthday'. The OP should have kept her immature mouth closed and enjoyed the evening her husband had planned instead of being the architect of her own misfortune and then taking to the interweb to seek validation.

I'm not sure about anyone else but the only people I know who ask 'where's my present' are 5 year olds and even then, they are usually reprimanded by a parent for being rude

silly

reprazant wrote: »

She didn't ask IF she was getting a present, she asked when she was getting it.



To me, that seems a little bit crass but then again, if the birthday/present situation had changed in my relation, it would be discussed beforehand so I can't help but think there is more to this.

sorry, I still think the same, nothing wrong with asking your husband when you are getting your present. If she recieved a present every year then why would this year be different.
I feel like you should be able to say anything to your husband/wife. you shouldnt have to hold back when asking the questions that you wouldnt ask someone not so close to you.

AhInFairness

Jess16 wrote: »

Nobody said she is unreasonable for wanting a gift, she is being unreasonable for disrespectfully questioning another adult when said gift wasn't forthcoming, as though it was her God-given right to receive one

To be fair, you have absolutely no idea how she said. You have no idea if she was disrespectful or if she acted as though it was her God-given right.

The conclusions being jumped to on this one are staggering.

Hopefully the OP can come back to clarify a few things.

nkay1985

Jess16 wrote: »

Nobody said she is unreasonable for wanting a gift, she is being unreasonable for disrespectfully questioning another adult when said gift wasn't forthcoming, as though it was her God-given right to receive one

This is the crux of the matter for me. Fair enough if she wants a present but to expect one is a different thing.

If someone brought me out for dinner, I'd be grateful for that treat and wouldn't want anything else, let alone expect it.

P. Breathnach

OP, you can see this is a matter where people have strongly-held opinions on both sides. I think you might see that one group sees the situation as you do, while another group is closer to your husband's point of view. So what you and your husband have to deal with is that you and your husband have different beliefs about something where there is no agreed right or wrong answer.

I think the only place you can go from here is to have a conversation with your husband to clear the air, and try to get both of you on the same wavelength. It would probably be good if you could each apologise to the other.

Jess16

AhInFairness wrote: »

To be fair, you have absolutely no idea how she said. You have no idea if she was disrespectful or if she acted as though it was her God-given right.The conclusions being jumped to on this one are staggering.

No conclusions are being jumped to, the OP clearly stated that she asked her husband in the middle of the dinner he had taken her for 'Where's my present?' Asking 'Where's my present' = Disrespectful -End.Of.

Being married to someone does not give you free reign to shoot your mouth off however you see fit and I think it's ridiculously immature that the OP has gone so far as asking other people about 'rights' regarding presents -honestly, grow up and stop relying on material things as a sign of commitment when your husband is sitting with you in a lovely restaurant

ibarelycare

I think it's important to know HOW the OP asked about her present. If it was in a demanding way then that's not on. But if it was in a teasing way then I don't see the problem with that. If buying each other birthday presents has been the "norm" since the start of the relationship then I don't think it's unreasonable at all for the OP to expect a present this time. I'd be disappointed if I didn't get a birthday present off my boyfriend if it's something we'd always done. I'd also think it's ok to ask him jokingly "so, where's my present?!"

LittleBook

totallyweird12 wrote: »

hi all Im writing this to see if I am unreasonable as my husband said i was...
Thankfully in this economy we both have jobs so at the present time so money isnt too tight
it was my birthday recently so we went for dinner like we always do for such occasions so during dinner i asked when i was getting my present as this is what we always do
he nearly blew a gasket saying my expectations were way to high we are married over 3 years so i thought a present wasnt a unreasonable request as i genuninely thought he was teasing me he hadnt given it to me all that day so we ended up having a blazing row & going straight home
really feel like i dont mean anything to him & i didnt even deserve some of his time to pick me out a present help please am i over reacting or am i within my rights to expect a present how ever small

I think we're getting too caught up in the micro analysis of "when am I getting my present" but, for what it's worth, the OP says she "genuinely thought" he was teasing her since they "always" give presents on birthdays and my impression is she thought she was teasing him back about it.

Plus, there are different reasons for "expecting" a present and one of them is that you've been led over the years to expect it, experience and habit, not entitlement.

OP, first of all can I just mention that there are no full stops or commas in your post which makes the syntax a little difficult to understand.

Assuming this is what you meant:

He nearly blew a gasket saying my expectations were way too high. We are married over 3 years so I thought a present wasn't a unreasonable request.

If assuming you'd be getting a gift (as usual) for your birthday is now considered to be an unreasonable expectation, personally I'd be a little worried. I wouldn't want to reach a point in my relationship where my partner thinks that expecting a gift for my birthday is "way too high" an expectation and I'm sure my partner feels the same way, possibly even moreso!

But, to be honest, I suspect the reason you're here is that your husband's reaction was out of character, a bit shocking and disproportionate in the context of your relationship, which you know better than anyone else here.

You need to talk to him and find out what it was really about, that's the only way you'll know where you stand.

Ickle Magoo

While I agree nobody has the right to receive presents - IME it's not uncommon for spouses to ask what their birthday celebrations are going to consist of or discuss what present they are getting - perhaps it's a little more unusual to ask when the actual handing over of gifts is taking place while in the midst of celebrations but given her husband seemingly moved the established goal-posts by immediately suggesting him buying any kind of birthday gift was setting expectations too high, surely the end result was inevitable and the OP's timing a moot point?

I do think the idea that the OP should be sitting demurely knowing things aren't as they usually are, with a man she shares her life with and only permitted to wonder/be offended when midnight has struck and no present handed over, really a bit odd. I would think (hope!) most marriages allow for more honest/open communication than that.

Speaking of which OP - I hope you've since both had time to discuss and get to the bottom of that happened.

Jess16 wrote: »

Nobody said she is unreasonable for wanting a gift, she is being unreasonable for disrespectfully questioning another adult when said gift wasn't forthcoming, as though it was her God-given right to receive one

Disrespectfully questioning another adult makes it sound like she's her husbands child - rather than another adult on equal footing and the other half of a legally binding relationship in which the day-to-day familiarity over years can negate the need for some of the norms of social etiquette we use with those we are less intimately acquainted with. What may be unacceptable to discuss or question or tease about in one couples relationship can be completely normal behaviour in another's, doubly so once settled into a pattern of shared-life in a marriage.

Salty

Jess16 wrote: »

No conclusions are being jumped to, the OP clearly stated that she asked her husband in the middle of the dinner he had taken her for 'Where's my present?' Asking 'Where's my present' = Disrespectful -End.Of.

Being married to someone does not give you free reign to shoot your mouth off however you see fit and I think it's ridiculously immature that the OP has gone so far as asking other people about 'rights' regarding presents -honestly, grow up and stop relying on material things as a sign of commitment when your husband is sitting with you in a lovely restaurant

She stated that the only reason she asked was because she thought he might be teasing her, holding out on the present all day. Have another read of the OP. She wasn't "shooting her mouth off" as you say, it's not like she yelled at him in the resaurant "where's my present". That would be disrespectful.

His reaction was obviously not something she planned for, and the OP shouldn't be chastised for what appears to have been a playful inquisition that was completely misunderstood. There may be underlying problems that we don't know about. She has already been yelled at by her husband, she doesn't need to come here to be told she is "childish" and "disrespectful". Something changed and she wasn't aware of it as far as we know.

Jess16

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Disrespectfully questioning another adult makes it sound like she's her husbands child - rather than another adult on equal footing and the other half of a legally binding relationship in which the day-to-day familiarity over years can negate the need for some of the norms of social etiquette we use with those we are less intimately acquainted with. What may be unacceptable to discuss or question or tease about in one couples relationship can be completely normal behaviour in another's, doubly so once settled into a pattern of shared-life in a marriage.

Which is basically a long-winded way of saying, it's ok to be less respectful once you're married to someone and with them a long time -it's not and yes, that is what you're implying. Sorry but I clearly disagree.

Also, since when does having a bit of respect for your partner make you subservient or a 'child' -this seems to be more of an ego issue than anything else and I can't imagine any rational, secure adult brazenly asking 'So when's my present arriving' and then throwing a tantrum about it when it doesn't -there's also a huge disparity in how the OP describes her actions and her husband's, who allegedly 'blew a gasket', which is quite telling in itself and suggests we're getting a very one-sided, agenda-driven view here

Salty

Jess16 wrote: »

Which is basically a long-winded way of saying, it's ok to be less respectful once you're married to someone and with them a long time -it's not and yes, that is what you're implying. Sorry but I clearly disagree.

Also, since when does having a bit of respect for your partner make you subservient or a 'child' -this seems to be more of an ego issue than anything else and I can't imagine any rational, secure adult brazenly asking 'So when's my present arriving' and then throwing a tantrum about it when it doesn't -there's also a huge disparity in how the OP describes her actions and her husband's, who allegedly 'blew a gasket', which is quite telling in itself

You're twisting IM words here tbh. That's not what she's saying at all. What I read from her post is that when a couple have been together a long time a certain kind of familiarity settles in. You are much more relaxed around your partner and don't have to keep up the rigid, formal norms you would with people outside of this bubble as it were.

She wasn't saying that having respect for your partner makes you subservient. Everyone has respect for their OH, but your words "disrepectfully questioning" give the impression of the husband "owning" her in a way. Your words.

And she didn't throw a tantrum from what she told us, so we shouldn't assume that she did. (assume = ass + u + me etc.) She jokingly questioned him, he reacted badly, they engaged in an argument. No tantrums here. More of a gross misunderstanding by the looks of it which I hope the couple have talked through.

AhInFairness

Jess16 wrote: »

No conclusions are being jumped to, the OP clearly stated that she asked her husband in the middle of the dinner he had taken her for 'Where's my present?' Asking 'Where's my present' = Disrespectful -End.Of.

Being married to someone does not give you free reign to shoot your mouth off however you see fit and I think it's ridiculously immature that the OP has gone so far as asking other people about 'rights' regarding presents -honestly, grow up and stop relying on material things as a sign of commitment when your husband is sitting with you in a lovely restaurant

My god. Shooting her mouth off?? I really have no idea where you're getting all of this from to be very honest, or why you're so irrationally angry. You claim the OP threw a tantrum when she in fact said that it was her husband who blew a gaskett (her words, not mine).

You seem to be reading what you want to read.

silly

Jess16 wrote: »

No conclusions are being jumped to, the OP clearly stated that she asked her husband in the middle of the dinner he had taken her for 'Where's my present?' Asking 'Where's my present' = Disrespectful -End.Of.

Actually........

totallyweird12 wrote: »

it was my birthday recently so we went for dinner like we always do for such occasions so during dinner i asked when i was getting my present as this is what we always do

She just asked "when"...I would do the same..
you see, you may not understand this...and I actually feel sorry for you..but adults in relationships can talk openly about anything..and asking when a present was coming is not disrespectful.

But, at the end of the day, we don't know the full story here.

In my house, I do the majority of cooking and cleaning, while also having a full time job, I get my husband a present every year for his birthday, and i make him feel special, by making his favourite dinner and buying him his favourite cake. If my birthday came around, and I didnt get the same "special treatment", I would be very hurt,I would feel very unappreciated and I would ask....when am I getting my present Mr!?

samina

Jess16 wrote: »

asking 'So when's my present arriving' and then throwing a tantrum about it when it doesn't -there's also a huge disparity in how the OP describes her actions and her husband's, who allegedly 'blew a gasket', which is quite telling in itself and suggests we're getting a very one-sided, agenda-driven view here

I think the op just asked and the husband blew a gasket and told her her expectations were too high implies he threw a tantrum at her rather than vice versa at least that's how I read it.

It really sounds like he perhaps could be worried about money but either way there is a serious lack of communication in the marriage if you are both not on the same page.