wedding

LegacyUser

hi all - I'm in my 30's and I've been invited to a cousins wedding in the summer -its going to be a smallish wedding - extended family and few of their close friends. My problem stems from fact I don't want to go and have made that clear to my parents ..and there in the problem arises. From the start I said I wasn't planning on going and that was when the mild persuasion started on my dad's part.. 'ah sure you'll go..' 'dont worry about the cost' (as currently I'm unemployed) 'the whole family will be there' etc etc. Dad kept asking me was I going and I said I hadnt decided probably not; The invites arrived this week and when I was up home and the sisters were home Dad was 'oh and Johns(not real name) invite came' and repeat it 20 mins later.. finally last night I just said it out 'Ive decided Im not going to go' and nothing was said .. it was basically met with silence... and then this morning when I was on my own my dad came to talk to me and asked me to reconsider my decision that the cousin would be offended and that my mum probably would like it if i went along but that there was no pressure to go (!!)

Also from time to time my parents will give me money (€50 here and there)to sub my JA (I've never asked them for money or needed to as I thankfully still have savings from when I was working) and I'm forever in debt to them for doing this.

any advice on what to do? Should I stick by decision I made or just go for peace of mind and keep parents (ie dad) happy? All my sisters are going (and dont have a problem with me not going) so its not as if there is no one from our branch of family going.. I just feel I'm been emotionally blackmailed into going to something I have no desire to go to..

tinkerbell

Why exactly don't you want to go OP?

thefeatheredcat

The pressure seems more to be coming from your Dad than anyone else... maybe he's hoping and being persuasive about getting you to go for a bit of support for himself during the wedding?

I think that since your Dad is the one really that you've mentioned being vocal to you about going, maybe just sit him down and have a chat with him in a calm manner and just tell him that you don't want to go and why.

Maybe he's being a bit well-meaning in that if you go, you'll meet up with family members that maybe you haven't seen in a while and network or hear about jobs or just have them be able to relate to your situation, or just something different for you to enjoy and step back from your own situation.

From what you've described it sounds like your Dad (or both parents through your Dad) are that bit concerned that maybe you're passing up the chance to go because of cost or having to deal with questions about jobs or something along those lines more so than that you're disinterested / have no desire in going.

LegacyUser

I just don't want to go -I just find most weddings that I've gone to to be tedious affairs, rarely if ever enjoy them and I don't know why I was invited anyway - I rarely see my cousin anyway: 2-3 times a year if even that much; to me I just see having to go for as something I could do without; I'm not going to be missed - why is my Dad doing everything he can to make me go?

saa

Does he mean he will pay for you, what are his motives for wanting you to go? Would he be ashamed if he had to make up an excuse for you not going or does he really want to celebrate this with you and make nice family memories and a day out of it.

Also your age and whether you're living at home or not comes into play as parents do forget that their adult children are now in fact adults and can make their own decisions.

It all boils down to why you do not want to go and make that clear to him and do not let on that you are being affected by the comments as then he'll keep pushing those "ah come on.." sentiments, be clear and unemotional you know I'd love to go but I'm not close to him and I'd feel bad not being able to get a decent present or making someone else bail me out.

So if you're not going what will your Dad say to others if they ask about you, seems like it will be an issue for your Dad or at least it seems to be a big deal that youre there for him, all depends on his motives and your relationship, is there all women in your family maybe he wants some company so he's not left on his own .

Kimia

You know, normally I would be of the opinion that people shouldn't force you to do things you don't want to do, but in this case OP you are coming across lazy and selfish.

You don't want to go because you find weddings tedious? You have no beef with your cousin, and from the details you've told us, the wedding is a small family affair so he/she obviously values your presence.

By all means, don't go if you don't want to. But I do think it comes across as just lazy and a bit childish of you.

LegacyUser

how is the op being as selfish and lazy?? poppycock. the op is an adult and has the conginitive skills and personal right to decide where they want to go and the social situations they want to be in. they're not 12.

i find weddings tedious and for the most part boring too, especially distant cousins, those that i don't see very often or have nothing in common with. the older i get the more i find myself shying away from going to them. that doesn't make me selfish, it just illustrates that if i know in advance i won't enjoy a situation, i won't put myself in it. my sister and her husband aren't that into weddings either, they still get inviations but mostly politely decline. they're not into them. other people are. my mother in law is one of those people that enjoys funerals, anyone within a 20 mile radius that she even vaguely knows that dies and she's off. horses for courses. different strokes for different folks.

if you don't want to go, don't go. just sit your dad down and calmly explain that you don't want to go, you've made up your mind, here's a card for the couple (with or without €20 or something in it), and that's to be the end of it. simple as.

tbh

you have the right not to go, but it obviously means a lot to your dad that you do. My advice - suck it up, and take this one day out of your life to do something that'll make your dad happy.

Beruthiel

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

why is my Dad doing everything he can to make me go?

Well, I know my Dad likes to see all his daughters in one place at the same time. He enjoys the banter and slagging that goes on between us.
It rarely happens as we live in different places.
It's a small gift to give him.

Daisy M

Like most of the others I would normally be of the opinion that you shouldnt be forced into doing things to keep other people happy. However it is nice to do something for other people too. Your parents obviously care very deeply for you and this wedding is probably a nice family occasion for you. You have no real reason for going, its not putting you out by clashing with other plans it sounds as though you just cant be bothered. Life is about give and take if we put ourselves first all the time I doubt we would have very many people in our lives.