When will he cut the apron strings?

LegacyUser

Married to my other half now for 8 months, expecting our first child.
We are living together with over 2 years, i was the first person he lived with apart from his mother, who lives in her own house next door. His siblings are all married with kids and its been kinda left to my husband to look after the mother.
But one thing that started to bother me, and i know how ridiculus this might sound, but when it came to my husbands siblings or nieces and nephews birthdays he continued to sign a card with his mother for them.
I told him when we got married, that it was time for us to send our own cards from teh 2 of us. It took him a while to get this, as he always just signed a card with his mom.
I went out of my way to get a card for each birthday and send them off on time etc. (i always signed his name to any card i sent to my family) so it has come to communion time and i brought home a card for his niece yesterday, as his mother was traveling up the country for the communion i thought we would jsut give her our card to bring with her, only to be told that he already signed his mothers card - his name only - no mention of me - and gave her money to put into it.
He said she asked him did he want to sign it and he didnt even think of me!

I am extremely pissed off and upset about this, he knows how upset i am over feeling so left out that i didnt even occur to him when sending a card, now i feel like his sister will think that i didnt give anything (which i didnt get a chance to) or that i didnt even care!
Hubby said i can post a card and put his name on it, but doesnt that make me look like an eegit when his name is already on a card, and he has money put into it...

He knows how upset i am and now he is ignoring me which is making me worse..add that to hormones and i'm on the verge of tears..

Please tell me i am not being irrational.

@rti-shm@rti

I think you're getting a bit too hung up on this. He is being a bit clueless in fairness but I don't think you need to be getting yourself worked up about it. He needs to just go in on cards from you both now and his mother will have to do her own thing. Say this to him again and tell him if his mother asks to say no.

Don't be worrying too much about what your sister in law will think. Just tell her the truth. I'm sure if she knows her brother, she will understand what happened and that it was more down to him being a bit clueless and not due to you not caring.

Sleepy

By and large us men don't make as big a deal out of birthdays, communions etc. as women do. Think about it: how many lads do you know that would buy each other birthday presents? We're usually lucky if the lads buy us a few pints on our birthdays.

He's just not thinking about it because he doesn't see these events as being as important as you and his mother do so when presented with a card to sign he'll sign it an chuck in a few quid because that's what his mother expects of him (likewise, I'm sure he'd have done the same if you'd presented him with the card first).

ManOfMystery

You don't mention how your husband is in other areas of your marriage. Is he attentive? Does he do things for you and spend quality time with you? Does you feel his mother's presence affects any other areas of your marriage negatively?

The reason I'm asking is that you don't mention any other issues - only the fact that he signs cards for birthdays (etc) from him and his mother. If that's the only major issue between you, I'd advise that you don't get too hung up on it. As said above, us men typically don't make a huge fuss about cards and a few of us are also totally ignorant when it comes to etiquette - I sent out wedding invitations recently and I was pretty clueless as to how they should be written, what the etiquette was for sending them to married and unmarried couples in terms of names, etc. Men will often send the cards and not think twice about it, whereas women will be ultra careful about names and messages so that nothing is out of place.

It sounds like your other half is just a bit gormless when it comes to cards, rather than deliberately omitting you out of spite. If you have no other problems with him then don't beat him up too much over this relatively small issue.

thefeatheredcat

I would just send the card anyway. Chances are the child probably has lots of cards with and without something in it regardless of who they are from and probably isn't going to notice an oversight. Probably will be chuffed to get another card anyway!

apronstringsattached wrote: »

I went out of my way to get a card for each birthday and send them off on time etc. (i always signed his name to any card i sent to my family) so it has come to communion time and i brought home a card for his niece yesterday, as his mother was traveling up the country for the communion i thought we would jsut give her our card to bring with her, only to be told that he already signed his mothers card - his name only - no mention of me - and gave her money to put into it.
He said she asked him did he want to sign it and he didnt even think of me!

If your intent was that as a married couple you'd send cards from you both, I don't see how this is achieved by going off yourself and buying a card and signing his name without any involvement from him in the process including even knowing about it?

Sounds like you're doing your thing with cards and he's doing his. If you're offered a chance to sign a card you can hardly say no, and I'd admit that it was a bit stupid of him not to mention you.

I'd personally let this go. Next time a birthday, christening, communion or whatever else is coming up plan between you both to go shopping for a card together and sign and send it together. Like "Oh I see X's birthday is coming up, how about on way shopping/whatever we pick out a card" or "oh yeah Y's communion is coming up, keep an eye out for a card from both of us or have a look when you're next in a shop as they should be out soon" or something that just reinforces the point of a card being a shared activity in getting, signing and sending. Might help to break the old habit and reinforce a new one so in time it'll become normal. At least then if offered a chance to sign a card he can say "OH and I have a card already on the way to them" so that its known then that being offered is also unnecessary in the future

hondasam

apronstringsattached wrote: »

Please tell me i am not being irrational.

Sorry but you are being irrational over a card. His sister will think nothing of it and I'm sure she knows what her brother is like.
He is close to his mother and you will have to learn to accept this. My advice is let him do what he wants with his family and you do the same with yours.
When the baby is born his mother will be a big help to you.

Oryx

Did you happen to ever mention to his mother about this? I can see that its just something theyve always done, and its never occurred to them to change that. Neither seem to realise that you find it a big deal. To them its just a card, not a symbol of you being part of his life etc. I dont think its even worth mentioning to his mum if it would be grief, but its a suggestion if you really want to tackle this.

Youre only married 8 months. This is a minor teething problem, all part of the varied bumps you hit when you marry someone. If I were you, I would let it go.

apronstringsattached

apronstringsattached wrote: »

Hubby said i can post a card and put his name on it, but doesnt that make me look like an eegit when his name is already on a card, and he has money put into it...

It makes him look like an ejit, that needs a bridge of women running around trying to organise his life for him.
I don't think it passes any comment on you.

I don't think you are over reacting at all.
They are behaving like they are a family that your not a part of.
You've explained that this is neither socially conventional or acceptable for you.
Yet they are still excluding you.

Killed By Death

Sorry but I'm afraid you're being irrational. All this angst over what people will think and people thinking you ' look like an eejit' is mad behaviour OP.
It's paranoia, perhaps it's your hormones?

Sorry but it's completely illogical. It's a card. No one will give it a second thought. Your husband is nice to his Mother, that's a good thing unless there is more you haven't mentioned?

Let it go. To be honest it's good that he's sorting cards for his side of the family and not leaving it for you to do.

P. Breathnach

I tend more towards Moonbaby's view: your husband is failing in one aspect of making the transition from son to husband, and he is diminishing your role; and he is doing it most particularly with his own nearest kinfolk. That's bad form.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You don't mention how your husband is in other areas of your marriage. Is he attentive? Does he do things for you and spend quality time with you? Does you feel his mother's presence affects any other areas of your marriage negatively?

He is a great husband, but I think he feels like he needs to make up for the lack of interest his sisters have with their mother, and sometimes that might not suit what I want. As newly weds, its hard as we don't get to do much together as he would feel guilty if we went out for the day without her etc.. which I understand that its a good thing that he is so good to his mother, i probably wouldnt be with him if he treated her bad. But it does get to me at times.

hondasam wrote: »

He is close to his mother and you will have to learn to accept this. My advice is let him do what he wants with his family and you do the same with yours.
When the baby is born his mother will be a big help to you.

But am I not part of his family now? and him part of mine?
And no, she won'd be a big help. She will be little or none.

Moonbaby wrote: »

You've explained that this is neither socially conventional or acceptable for you.
Yet they are still excluding you.

Yes, this is why I was so upset about it, because we have had a discussion about this a few times already. He knew how i felt about it, irrational or not, he knew this little thing was important to me. Being the only sister in law - its been hard to feel accepted by his sisters (he's the only boy)..so I feel that by sending cards by the two of us, makes me and them feel like I am family now..


Anyway,

Thanks everyone for your replies.
We had a big discussion again about it last night and cleared the air. He apologised and admitted that he just didnt think. Said it wont happen again.

I know some of ye think i was making a mountain out of a molehill here, but to me it was something important, and i'm happy now that he finally sees that.

P. Breathnach

apronstringsattached wrote: »

... Said it wont happen again....

It might. It seems that he has to amend his habits, and people sometimes slip up. Be firm, but forgiving.

Glad you're feeling better.

Ickle Magoo

As you've resolved this issue OP, I'll lock this thread.

All the very best. :cool: