A plead for a second chance in a marriage

KeepsStuff2PM

This is not very easy to do as I'm a very private person. I've always been private but now it’s time to ask for help.


Through my own actions and my past I've destroyed the most precious person in my whole life. I've made terrible mistakes and misjudged the impact decisions I've made, things that I did, things I didn’t control or things that I was about to do and thankfully didn’t. Impulsive would be a bit of an understatement in describing me.


The person who I have impacted most with my behaviour is my dear wife, my beautiful wife. She's the light of my life, and I've put that out. From the first time I saw her I knew she was the one. When we met I was going out with someone else and I finished that relationship as I knew I had just – without going looking - had found the one. Ever since then there has only been one woman for me. That was almost 19 years ago. I've always been faithful to my wife, never been with another woman or want to be. I love her, and I hope I always will.


Like all couples we have had our moments, moments were we have disagreed, moments where we argued. We always seemed to recover from them. There nothing about her that annoys me apart from that I don’t like when she works nights at weekends when I'm off. She does it to support the family and I appreciate that, I would just prefer if it wasn’t the case - it’s stupid and selfish of me but I just like spending time with her. As of late it’s not been the case that she has had to work nights - the works just not there. This must stress my wife out, so on the few times she gets to work nights on weekends I've stopped complaining, I still miss her though.
We have children. I love each of my children; from the day they were born I've been involved in their care. This has been to a varying degree; my eldest probably saw less of me than my other children, as I worked in some jobs that took up a lot of time and involved some travel. I always feel guilty over that and made life changes to ensure that I didn’t miss out on my other kids growing up. The most significant one being my education, I went from having a very basic education to something that has changed my life. I thought it changed my life for the better; I did feel more confident and would encourage my own children to do the same. It has given me more time but also led me into my current work.


Being a parent isn’t easy, especially now as our children are all essentially teenagers with all that goes with that. We were great for going for family walks and other outings, now we just do taxi service most of the time. Their social life is pretty good and for that I thankful - they are leading happy and healthy lives.


I come with lots of baggage, mainly the fact I come from a family farm that’s been destroyed by hate, my earliest memory as a toddler, over 40 years ago, is one of hate in its most violent form. My father was in a fight with his brother over land. I will never forget the blood and violence of that day, I can see it clearly now as I type this. Years later there was another more serious, more vicious, fight over land; it involved brother against brother, cousin against cousin. We were a broken family after the first fight - but from that day on we were a destroyed family. Hate in its strongest form became a daily meal. Every morning, day and night was occupied by hate. Was the ****ing land worth destroying the family, no, it’s ****ing land, sorry for swearing - had to. The last incident happened nearly 30 years ago and it’s still doing damage to this day.


Escape for me came in the form of looking after my grandmother, I was thirteen. Even though I was a teenager who fought with others, from my first days in secondary school I could never be unkind to my Grandmother. I lived with her, looked after her. She had a stroke and I helped her to talk again. When she was feeling well she always looked after me. When she died I was devastated, the same way I feel right now in fact, the exact same feelings and emotions. I promised myself to make a better life and I'd hoped I'd succeeded.


I worked hard on that farm when I wasn’t with minding my Grandmother, often to the expense of studies; I did my leaving cert and eventually got a two year course. That’s all that could be afforded. I never liked being a burden on anyone and this destined me for a quick escape. The negativity at this time had cost two family members their mental health, I needed to escape. I had lots of girlfriends over the years, none of which met my parents approval, one did – not really sure why - but I didn’t love her. My two years in college, followed by another which included my first real paying jobs, helped me to escape. For years I kept contact with the home-place to an absolute minimum. Occasionally bringing my parents back into my life on important days, such as a graduation. The negativity however would always come through, all I had to do was hang around long enough....and there is would be - standing next to you. The mental breakdowns always resulted in a circus often very public, but always very damaging. You can trick yourself into believing it will not happen again or maybe people didn’t notice but deep down you would know more damage has just been done. The only measurable being how much damage and how lasting the effect. Hate is a very strong emotion as you have to think about something all the time to have and to fuel the hate. Eventually I went to see a counsellor, after a couple of sessions I gave up. I felt I was betraying my parents, and that I just needed to man up and take the pain. The guy just kept asking about how I felt about this and that, to be honest I felt **** but that’s life and you just have to get busy with life. Over the years I had enough of people getting inside my head with negativity. The counsellor was just opening up old wounds that had healed over. This is unfinished business.


I went out with loads of girls over the years, none of them really knocked me off my feet. They were someone to talk and chat too but none of them would be people I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I was going out with this girl for a couple of months, she was more into me than I into her. Then one night I went out with the guy I shared the flat with, it was one of the most important nights of my life, I was in a bar and I saw her – my wife. I eventually plucked up the courage to go go over to speak with her, I cannot tell you what I said as I knew, I knew, she’s the one. She gave me her number at the end of the night and said for me to ring her if wanted. I kept her number, I did want to ring but I got very sick over the next couple of days so it was almost two weeks before I finally got to speak with her (she understands now, anytime I get a chest infection it knocks me for six, years of exposure to smoking from when I was child). My wife moved briefly to another city for a course, we kept in close contact. I would regularly visit. Sometimes staying longer - I so enjoyed being with her. Often taking the first (5.00am) Monday morning train back to work. I was failing more and more in love with this woman and everyday it was getting stronger.


There was only one time at the start of our relationship when I was shocked. This was when we found out that she had gone out with a guy I went to College with. That day broke my heart as I hated this guy. I only keep in contact with one guy from college, I don’t ever want any contact with this guy, just in case he says something bad about my wife (from my previous experience this guy he had no issues with disrespecting someone), if he did it would probably be the last bad thing he would get to say about anyone. Did I mention I have a temper. To this day I’m very careful about who I connect with on online sites, just in case.
I was interviewing for job in another city I turned it down, this was the woman who I wanted to be my wife and I wanted to stay close to her. I wasn’t really sure where work was going to take me but I was sure that I wanted to be with this special woman. Eventually I plucked up enough courage and I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We were very happy, eventually we moved in together and planned a summer trip. It was a fantastic trip, in fact my first ever real holiday with anyone. I enjoyed every moment of it. There is one image that will stay with me until the day I die. She got to have drink a special cocktail, the favourite drink of one of her favourite fictional book characters at that time. It was special the way the sun sparkled on her smiling face. We were very much in love on that trip and our daughter was conceived. To be honest I wasn’t ready to be a father but I eventually adjusted. Eventually I would get to fall in love with another little person - a second time. When I felt her little feet kicking inside my wife's tummy and the night she was born. Now I had two people whom I loved. More children followed over the years.


I didn’t tell my parents about the birth of our first daughter, that’s how little contact or respect I had for them. Imagine I couldn’t bring myself to tell the people who brought me into this world about my beautiful little girl. They eventually found out in the most awkward of ways. It turns out I was right not to tell or involve them, eventually negativity always came through like a poison or a cancer. She to them was a child out of wedlock, in the eyes of some religion she is a child out of wedlock....you know the word.....well that religion can go....


All this hurt my wife deeply, the mother of my children, it’s not that I didn’t have the gumption to tell my parents, it’s that in my eyes they couldn’t be part of my life or my own family’s life. Most of my life has been away from them, not with them. Ever since the day I was put minding my Grandmother I’ve lived away from home…..as much as possible…..in fact this saved me.


Over the years my work means that I'm back in proximity to where I was brought up, I fell into the trap again. I read somewhere that you should treat your father as you expect your son to treat you. I can tell you now it’s not good advice in every circumstance. I began to visit my parents, as I thought a normal person should. In my own mind I was thinking I've wronged my parents, everything is going along as normal (depends on your definition of normal when dealing with people who have had breakdowns or are a pill or an injection away from the next one). Normal things began to happen; a birthday party or other family event would involve my parents or others.


The only one I remained closest too is my brother, we have supported each other over the years and he, as my older brother, was always the stronger one. If I got into fights in school he would always be there to back me up. We are very close and I would do anything for him. Then a while back he bought a field and when he went back to the Bank to get a loan they wouldn’t give it to him. He asked me to help, I had a bad feeling about it, I should have backed off but my impulsion to help took over. He was at his wits end I wanted to do everything I could to help but I didn’t want anything to do with land or in fact his spouse whom I don’t really like. I don’t trust land as it brings out the worst in people. I eventually signed for a loan, and I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I signed for this ****ing land loan and I didn’t tell my wife. I should have gone with my gut and said no I was right not to trust. My brother’s spouse eventually played her cards and I finally went my gut and tore up the documents (apart from the signature page, I will always keep this to remind me of what an asshole I was). I should have discussed this with my wife before I even considered this. I didn’t but I eventually told her everything. I didn’t take out the loan, I didn’t help my brother but I did damage my relationship with my wife. I feel like such as asshole, she doesn’t do anything without bouncing it off me and I go about doing something like this. Land gets to destroy me all over again however indirectly for a ****ing field I don’t even want.


Tragedy struck again when my sister died, some would say it was a tragedy some would say it was a release. She had a terrible life, so full of hope when she was young but destroyed by the hate that became our daily life after the land rows. When she was well she always had a way of making me feel welcome, I believe she was glad that I had escaped, I only wish I could have helped her. The fact she was the eldest meant she bore the brunt of the damage from the path our lives had been taken on. I think about her daily, I miss my dear sister and it makes me sad to think how difficult a life she had, not by her own making but because of circumstance.


I know I must not allow my children any contact with my side. They don’t need people who could and probably would harm them either directly or indirectly, unintentionally or with malice.


Negativity has reared its head again and has led to another breakdown within the family. I went back into the eye the storm and took my focus away from my wife and family. Hiding things along the way as I had done before to protect myself, now I was doing them to as I thought protect my wife.


My impulsive behaviour can be a blessing and a course. I did things like arrived home with a car for my wife, unannounced. I won’t do something like that again as I hurt her. Often I step on a grenade because I don’t know how to navigate an emotional minefield. Sometimes I blow off both legs - on the same emotional grenade, and only then do I eventually get the picture. What’s the result, I've ended up damaging the only precious thing, most valuable thing I possessed - my marriage.


Over the years my wife has supported me, even with all this baggage. It cannot have been easy to live with someone who has so much baggage. Growing up in that environment has marked me. But I have always tried very hard to remain positive. I always try to plan for the future, but sometimes that leaves me disconnected from the present. I’m geek at home and at work, very slow to pick up on how I hurt people with my words and actions. Emotional intelligence is not something that I’ve got much of.


The reason I don’t like the action of posting this on a public forum is that everyone has an opinion – by either reading or replying to this post (because its such a long post) hopefully only those who have taken the time to read it all will reply. Hopefully those replies are a bit more meaningful - not just from their point of view or experience. Sometimes replies can be bias opinion because of the way their feeling right now or have felt in the past. I’ve read some of the posts on other threads and some of it was helpful but some it was damaging to the poster or whomever maybe reading it. I don’t want any criticism on my wife that would really hurt me. Often shotgun repliers feel this is always the best option. You can criticise me all you like – but she’s off limits.
My wife is a beautiful woman, her eyes and hair are the first things I noticed all those years ago and to this day I look at her and grow fonder of her. I always try to get her little things to show I care. Sometimes I leave things undone a little too long and in those cases I always try to say sorry and make it up to her. She has fantastic legs and a fantastic lover. I love the sound of her voice, it calms me, gives me inner peace. She has been the reason we are where we are today, in terms of our home and the happiness that one can see of the face of our lovely children. My children also have my wife’s parents who are loving grandparents. They adore my children. She is a good home builder – I’m a lucky guy.


My dear wife, after all these years has given up on loving me. A couple of months ago she finally told me why she was so sad and the way she was feeling, that she no longer feels any passion for me, or passion with me. She says she doesn’t want to feel like this. This has completely rocked my world. I'm so sad that I made her this unhappy that we have reached this point. I stay awake at night, I cannot think about anything else and I feel physically sick. We have been trying to work things out but she still feels nothing for me apart from friendship. If I'm honest this has been building up for some time, it’s only now that its hit me like a hammer on the head. She wants us to live separate lives, but promises that I will still see my kids. She’s told me she needs more space and time, I’m not sure if that’s to give me another chance or to concrete the strength, within herself, so that she can separate from me. I know this will result in damaging another family but I don’t blame her, I’m not angry at her, I’m deeply saddened that I let this happen, maybe it would have always happened but I was the one that brought the baggage into this relationship. Like me all those years ago I feel she now wants to escape, I feel terrible that I’ve made this happen. She says it’s the way she feels but I know I’ve made it happen. I would do anything for her to love me again, anything for a second chance. I will try counselling, reading relationship books anything. She is my only priority – everything else has faded into insignificance. I cannot imagine life without her, I don’t want to imagine life without her.....my heart is broken, I'm a broken man. Please help me, someone please help me.

Pa Dee

What was the problem with the loan? Why was this such an issue ?

LegacyUser

You imply that your baggage is the reason she is leaving but you haven't said that these issues you carry with you where affecting her. From what you have said in your last paragraph it seems that your wife has just fallen out of love with you. If that is the case I don't think there is much you can do to change that. If you give her enough space she might miss you and realize she still loves you but to be honest, I don't think that is going to happen. I think its over and it might be best to try and get your mindset in to moving on. Its like that saying, if you love someone set them free...........

LegacyUser

Pa Dee wrote: »

What was the problem with the loan? Why was this such an issue ?

Because he did it behind her back and not tell her. I know I would not be happy if my husband didn't at least speak to me about it. I would feel some level of betrayal even if the husband's intentions were not.

That aside, OP have you told your wife how much you love and appreciate her? You sound like a devoted husband and you have done things for her to show her how much you care. But it does feel different when someone expresses it. I don't want to sound like I am generalising but many men are not good at expressing their emotions.

As for now, maybe tell her how you really feel about her and what you are willing to do to save the marriage. Do give her the space that she wants to think about it. This will give you the time to reflect too. I know this all sounds hurtful and you are in shock but give her the time.

I really think you need to go back to counselling for your own good. You think and say that you are over some of the past hurts but by reading your post, I sense there is a lot of unresolved anger. The reason why your previous counsellor is trying to get back with your family issue is probably because he sensed that you have not gotten over it. Yes, I am sure it is not comfortable dealing with these issues but it is best to work with them. You have admitted that you have a temper too. Some familial issues may have transpired to your marriage and I think for you to fix this marriage you have to fix yourself first.

ABajaninCork

OP. I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I think you need to make an appointment to see a counsellor. Perhaps couples counselling might be good, but I really think you need one to one sessions to get your thoughts together.

I do hope you manage to get something sorted soon.

ihsb

OP. I must say, reading this post, I am a bit heartbroken for you.

All that I can say is that you should ignore everything going on in your extended family and concentrate on fixing things with your wife.

You enjoy her company, you adore her. Do you let her know this? Is there any way you can get away from living near your family?

You said you tried counselling.You need to try this again. You need to go with your wife. Talking really helps rebuild a relationship and it might help you see where you have gone wrong. I also think that you should try it on your own as well. You say yourself you have baggage, and this has been added to by the drama with your brother, your sisters passing and now this bombshell from your wife.

You need to look after yourself and counselling might help you cope with your emotions and anger. It might also help you cope with things in case things do not work out with your wife.

I have been to talk to someone. And true, it does open old wounds, you do feel like you are betraying people. But this is at the beginning. When you go on it really helps to heal you from the inside out. It is like a good pain.

I wish you all the luck in the world OP. I hope that you discover the joys in life again!

op, im so sad reading your post.
i really dont believe that your wifes feelings are anything to do with your extended family. (unless she has said otherwise?)

i agree with the other posters, you need to speak with a councellor, if for nothing else than just to get your thoughts in order. im sure you are very mixed up at the moment. that what comes across in your post.

you need to find out if your wife wants to fix your marraige or if she has decided its over. once you know you can start to sort yourself out and move onwards.

best of luck op, you seem like a nice man. i would recommend you speak with someone totally impartial and soon.

KeepsStuff2PM

bubblypop wrote: »

op, im so sad reading your post.
i really dont believe that your wifes feelings are anything to do with your extended family. (unless she has said otherwise?)

i agree with the other posters, you need to speak with a councellor, if for nothing else than just to get your thoughts in order. im sure you are very mixed up at the moment. that what comes across in your post.

you need to find out if your wife wants to fix your marraige or if she has decided its over. once you know you can start to sort yourself out and move onwards.

best of luck op, you seem like a nice man. i would recommend you speak with someone totally impartial and soon.

Thank you, I'm a slow learner in some ways. Its taken most of my life to deal with the issues that have destroyed my siblings. I spoke with a councellor this evening. Had to, I've never been this close to the edge before. I owe it to my kids and the memory of my dear sister to stay normal - as I can be. I hope my wife does want to work things through with me. I hope we stay together, but not at the cost of her happyness. Our kids will start their own lives soon. No point in my wife staying with me and being unhappy just for the sake of it. I love her and my kids - happyness is everything. I've seen too much of the oposite.

username123

It sounds like you want to take the burdens of the world on your own shoulders and protect your wife from harsh realities - this is quite a normal reaction from someone who learned dysfunctional methods of dealing with emotions in childhood.

I dont think you (or any of us) realise just how much our communication skills, methods of conflict resolution and emotional intelligence is influenced by our childhood. I only know because I myself had a dysfunctional childhood and went through years of therapy that helped me resolve issues.

You also need to take your wife off the pedestal. You need to view her as an equal and not as a goddess. She and you both are equally responsible for your marriage - a marriage is a partnership, not an unequal situation with her a goddess and you a poor worker trying to please her. Do you know what I mean?

I think you would benefit from counselling, and then perhaps couples counselling? You definitely need to address how you communicate with the world and your emotions.

You have my best wishes and good luck - you do sound like a very nice man, and the fact you want to resolve things and are willing to make change is a great first step.

KeepsStuff2PM

bekindtoyourself wrote: »

Pa Dee wrote: »

What was the problem with the loan? Why was this such an issue ?

Because he did it behind her back and not tell her. I know I would not be happy if my husband didn't at least speak to me about it. I would feel some level of betrayal even if the husband's intentions were not.

That aside, OP have you told your wife how much you love and appreciate her? You sound like a devoted husband and you have done things for her to show her how much you care. But it does feel different when someone expresses it. I don't want to sound like I am generalising but many men are not good at expressing their emotions.

As for now, maybe tell her how you really feel about her and what you are willing to do to save the marriage. Do give her the space that she wants to think about it. This will give you the time to reflect too. I know this all sounds hurtful and you are in shock but give her the time.

I really think you need to go back to counselling for your own good. You think and say that you are over some of the past hurts but by reading your post, I sense there is a lot of unresolved anger. The reason why your previous counsellor is trying to get back with your family issue is probably because he sensed that you have not gotten over it. Yes, I am sure it is not comfortable dealing with these issues but it is best to work with them. You have admitted that you have a temper too. Some familial issues may have transpired to your marriage and I think for you to fix this marriage you have to fix yourself first.

Yes I did it behind my wifes back, its just one of the toughtless things I've done. I've helped many people over the years. This was my chance to help my poor brother who had my back on so many occasions. I'd helped him out in the past. This time it was a huge amount of money, he has his back against the wall. Others got involved, history was beginning to repeat itself. I was paying for land I didn't want - I was still going ahead. Then a third party let something slip....thats when I finally had to stop everything and tell my wife....she had every right to feel betrayed..... I would feel betrayed if I was in her shoes.

KeepsStuff2PM

aassddffffff wrote: »

You imply that your baggage is the reason she is leaving but you haven't said that these issues you carry with you where affecting her. From what you have said in your last paragraph it seems that your wife has just fallen out of love with you. If that is the case I don't think there is much you can do to change that. If you give her enough space she might miss you and realize she still loves you but to be honest, I don't think that is going to happen. I think its over and it might be best to try and get your mindset in to moving on. Its like that saying, if you love someone set them free...........

I never thought I would be answering this reply to my post. My heart is broken. My wife has lost all of her sexual feelings towards me. She says that she is still a young woman with needs, as in sex, which must be fulfilled. I don't know where to turn to. I would still do anything to have her loving embrace. She only enjoyed sex once last year last March, just before my sister passed away. I know a woman has needs, she has a right to have needs. I'm so sorry that I've not been able to fulfill them. The only thing that makes me want to be is my children. My heart is broken. She is still their mother. Our marriage will be destroyed - me and my kids will be destroyed by the most primative of needs. She is still a good Mother. I'm looking into the abyss

Pa Dee

KeepsStuff2PM wrote: »

aassddffffff wrote: »

You imply that your baggage is the reason she is leaving but you haven't said that these issues you carry with you where affecting her. From what you have said in your last paragraph it seems that your wife has just fallen out of love with you. If that is the case I don't think there is much you can do to change that. If you give her enough space she might miss you and realize she still loves you but to be honest, I don't think that is going to happen. I think its over and it might be best to try and get your mindset in to moving on. Its like that saying, if you love someone set them free...........

I never thought I would be answering this reply to my post. My heart is broken. My wife has lost all of her sexual feelings towards me. She says that she is still a young woman with needs, as in sex, which must be fulfilled. I don't know where to turn to. I would still do anything to have her loving embrace. She only enjoyed sex once last year last March, just before my sister passed away. I know a woman has needs, she has a right to have needs. I'm so sorry that I've not been able to fulfill them. The only thing that makes me want to be is my children. My heart is broken. She is still their mother. Our marriage will be destroyed - me and my kids will be destroyed by the most primative of needs. She is still a good Mother. I'm looking into the abyss

is this what it's all boiling down to? She is sexually bored/frustrated ? It sounds like you are saying if you managed to keep her happy in bed then all would be well. This is different situation than your lengthy op about loans and family etc etc. Perhaps the issue is quite simple ..,,,, the sexual spark has gone

Taltos

OP

I am not sure how to say this without appearing harsh - just know that I really don't mean any offense.
Reading your posts you really remind me of someone close to me so I am replying as I would to them - you really really need to calm down here. Your posts are naturally full of angst and woe and it is clear that your head is just all over the place with everything that has gone on - not just now with your wife but with your family. You need to step back and separate these things out a bit. Right now your are just too close to it all and your emotions are on over-drive, just look at how you refer to your children and your loss.

Look - being honest - yes your marriage might (might) be over - but while you are both talking civilly to each other there is hope.

1. Please talk to a professional immediately, maybe talk to your GP first for a referral, even bring your posts with you so they get some insight into your true and I would guess hidden emotions.

2. Counselling - You need help to work through everything - not just your family but your marriage too. As per an earlier poster arrange today for either singles / couples counselling - at a minimum talk to someone alone now. Couples might be good but I think that until you really learn how to step back and separate what is going on couples might just be too much too soon.

3. Your wife - I am sorry but I took offense at your last post "..primitive of needs.." - I am sorry but if that is how you see sex then I have to disagree - for some of us sex is the purest form of expression of our love - it is a time where we can really be ourselves with our partners, where no-one else intrudes and where we can feel safe and loved. Now put yourself in your wife's place for a minute - since March (last year?) you have not had sex with her - if she is like me or many of us for the last year she may have been going through hell wondering why you suddenly withdrew the one part of your love where she felt special and needed.

To be honest, if on those rare occassions my wife and I don't have sex for a few weeks my head starts doing crazy things. I know you have had a tough life, but at some point you need to be able to let go of what has happened and embrace all that is good in your life - not push it away or sabotage it. You also need to forgive yourself for any past mistakes and accept that you are human - yes you went behind your wife's back and to be honest that was a betrayl but learn from it and move on.

I know my post might come across as all you-you-you, but we don't have your wife's viewpoint here - and to be honest shouldn't. Please don't think we are attacking you here, I am sure your wife has made just as many mistakes as you, at the end of the day there are two of you in the relationship. Remember - it takes two people to make a marriage work - but only one to destroy it.

Final word - if (if) your marriage is reallyover - your children will NOT be destroyed. Well - not if you both behave like adults and keep any disagreements away from them. Your children will still have two parents who love them but for whatever reason can no longer be together. Don't over compensate with them - if you smother them with your love you will scar them in their own relationships. Be honest with them to a point, let them know you both still love them, but for gawd's sake don't project your loss or misplaced love on them. Teach them instead that no matter what the hurdle is in life you can approach it with dignity and survive it and get stronger from it. Again - use the counselling sessions to help you in this approach and even consider arranging counselling for them if/when you both decide to go your separate ways.

Beruthiel

KeepsStuff2PM wrote: »

I hope my wife does want to work things through with me. I hope we stay together, but not at the cost of her happyness. Our kids will start their own lives soon. No point in my wife staying with me and being unhappy just for the sake of it. I love her and my kids - happyness is everything.

Have you told your wife that?
Does she know how much you still love her?
And if you do, why are you not expressing that to her in such a way that she is in no doubt.

I don't really have much to add to Taltos excellent post above.
I would say, were my hubby to take out a large loan without discussing it with me first, I would take that as a gross betrayal of trust.
A marriage should have no secrets, especially when the action effects both parties.

If you have not had sex with your wife in over a year then she is going to assume you are no longer interested in her or fancy her/love her.
It can be difficult to keep the romance in a long term relationship. However, with a little effort you can with the odd weekend away (just the two of you), a romantic dinner. A kind and loving word in her ear.
Without that, a relationship will wither and die.

Ask your wife to try couples counselling.

Best of luck.

KeepsStuff2PM

Taltos wrote: »

OP

I am not sure how to say this without appearing harsh - just know that I really don't mean any offense.
Reading your posts you really remind me of someone close to me so I am replying as I would to them - you really really need to calm down here. Your posts are naturally full of angst and woe and it is clear that your head is just all over the place with everything that has gone on - not just now with your wife but with your family. You need to step back and separate these things out a bit. Right now your are just too close to it all and your emotions are on over-drive, just look at how you refer to your children and your loss.

Look - being honest - yes your marriage might (might) be over - but while you are both talking civilly to each other there is hope.

1. Please talk to a professional immediately, maybe talk to your GP first for a referral, even bring your posts with you so they get some insight into your true and I would guess hidden emotions.

2. Counselling - You need help to work through everything - not just your family but your marriage too. As per an earlier poster arrange today for either singles / couples counselling - at a minimum talk to someone alone now. Couples might be good but I think that until you really learn how to step back and separate what is going on couples might just be too much too soon.

3. Your wife - I am sorry but I took offense at your last post "..primitive of needs.." - I am sorry but if that is how you see sex then I have to disagree - for some of us sex is the purest form of expression of our love - it is a time where we can really be ourselves with our partners, where no-one else intrudes and where we can feel safe and loved. Now put yourself in your wife's place for a minute - since March (last year?) you have not had sex with her - if she is like me or many of us for the last year she may have been going through hell wondering why you suddenly withdrew the one part of your love where she felt special and needed.

To be honest, if on those rare occassions my wife and I don't have sex for a few weeks my head starts doing crazy things. I know you have had a tough life, but at some point you need to be able to let go of what has happened and embrace all that is good in your life - not push it away or sabotage it. You also need to forgive yourself for any past mistakes and accept that you are human - yes you went behind your wife's back and to be honest that was a betrayl but learn from it and move on.

I know my post might come across as all you-you-you, but we don't have your wife's viewpoint here - and to be honest shouldn't. Please don't think we are attacking you here, I am sure your wife has made just as many mistakes as you, at the end of the day there are two of you in the relationship. Remember - it takes two people to make a marriage work - but only one to destroy it.

Final word - if (if) your marriage is reallyover - your children will NOT be destroyed. Well - not if you both behave like adults and keep any disagreements away from them. Your children will still have two parents who love them but for whatever reason can no longer be together. Don't over compensate with them - if you smother them with your love you will scar them in their own relationships. Be honest with them to a point, let them know you both still love them, but for gawd's sake don't project your loss or misplaced love on them. Teach them instead that no matter what the hurdle is in life you can approach it with dignity and survive it and get stronger from it. Again - use the counselling sessions to help you in this approach and even consider arranging counselling for them if/when you both decide to go your separate ways.

Thanks you for your post. Yes I have always had confused emotions. Ever since I was a kid.

Pushing kids around never ends well. That's my concern my actions now will shape the rest of their lives.

Your right it is an pure expression....we have had sex but its been one sided. It was better for me than for her. My wife has felt unloved.

She told me this March. Since then we have been trying to make things better. I wish I dealt with the issues before now. Its been going on too long.

I am going back for my first session tomorrow. I'm doing this for me. I need to be strong. Strong enough to take whatever comes. Then maybe I won't continue to destroy through impulse or through anger. The only one in the world I've never been angry towards is my wife, I don't want to start now and ruin everything.

Sometimes my impulse to help is destructive. Sometimes I just need to let people get on with their lives and learn to listen - rather than act.

I need to give my wife time and space. I will try to do this. This is the biggest problem I have sometimes I smother - its over compensation. Trying to make things more secure makes you more insecure.

I went through a crisis when I was turning 30, wondering is this the rest of my. We are both now in our 40's I was happy, 40 didn't bother me. 40 has been difficult for my wife and I got too close to my historic issues again. Not being supportive.

I'm not looking for any miracles - but one would help. Spoke to counsoler yesterday evening. First session in over 20 years is tomorrow.

Thanks to everyone. Wish my wife luck too. Its not easy for her either. Hopefully she will want to start couples counselling later

Johnny_BravoIII

Op,
The huge original life post does nothing to explain the breakdown of your relationship with your wife. It's all about you, your tough life, and your love for your saintly wife.

What would your wife say are the reasons for the marriage breakdown?

Filling in the blanks I'm guessing you are a little possessive, obsessive, compulsive.

Posessive - indicated that you wouldn't let your wife make her own decisions as to whether she wants to work weekends or not. What's that all about?

Obsessive - you seem to obsess over small detailed memories i.e. is it possible you still remember your marriage as it was on your honeymoon?. There's a lack of reality here. A marriage grows and changes over time. There's a responsibilty to keeps things dynamic and interesting for each other. You seem to want to bottle this intense "Love up" moment and pound every last ounce of emotion from it.

Jealous - random flights of fancy about what some ancient pre-date pre-marriage guy from college, judging from his character 20 years ago may or may not of said something about your wife to some college circle.........leads you to shut-down all possible avenues to hearing some bull**** in fear of your own rage.............? Seriously?

Of course your wife had relationships before you. It's perfectly normal stuff. & even though you have no proof so what if some spotty horny 1980's student scored her?

A mad-dog agressive attitude at the end of your post whereby you state:

I don’t want any criticism on my wife that would really hurt me. Often shotgun repliers feel this is always the best option. You can criticise me all you like – but she’s off limits.

This is a public forum. Send out warnings into the internet, offering to throw yourself infront of a speeding verbal bullet for your wife, to me, again is a little off & irrational.

Why is she off limits? Surely after 20 years she has played some sort of a role in the marriage breakdown?
At the very least she failed to identify the marriage slowly unravelling? She failed to communicate her problems until the point of which you have to break-up a family home?
She just walks in 1-day & annouces it's suddenly over? Has she zero reponsibility to make this thing work?

I'm thinking you have some serious underlying issues in terms of self-esteem which are leading to intenses irrational behaviour.
It's not your background. Your baggage whilst tough, is unfortunately a regular enough story of being raised in 1940's-1980's rural ireland. "Backward" is the word I don't use lightly to describe it.

There's also hints of a strange "dirty" attitude to sex.How could you not sleep with her since March & think all is rosey?

Did you ignore the reality of the situation convincing yourself otherwise ...........beating yourself to death over your tough upbringing & your joy at finding your wife & how beatiful your family is ............etc etc etc etc etc etc etc

Stop, reality check.
You have failed to properly deal with whatever is driving your personality traits. You need to work towards being confident & comfortable in your own skin.

It's a massive task. IMO your wife has a responsibility to meet you half-way here, at least for a trial period.