Pregnant and Really Annoyed

Iwillcope

So I was posting here about a week ago about a possible pregnancy and I had confirmation from a doctor on Friday.

I was due to meet the father on Saturday and he left me sitting in a bar for two hours while I called him a zillon times. Eventually someone answered and started making stupid, squeaky voices, he came to phone after and apologised that he was so drunk he forgot about meeting me so I just hung up. I went home and got into bed and cried and in a fit of rage I just texted him the news. I know it was wrong but I lost it.

I am not far gone, doctor says I am five weeks but I reckon I am just about three. Anyway he rang me after I text him and came over straight away, we cried and he told me he liked me but that he was never really serious about me. He says he doesn't want a baby.

He was over again yesterday and we talked, I told him about child abuse I suffered as child and he just said nothing, just nodded along at the story. I lost the head again and he left, then he text me apologising again that he is freaked out.

Anyway I said the same thing and that I am scared and really don't know what to do. At about half ten he text and said can we chat tomorrow and I said ok. Anyway it's now 2.30pm and I tried him a few times and his phone seems to switched off or dead and he blocked me on Facebook!

It's hard enough to deal with this but to have the father just decided to ignore you is heartbreaking. I am 30, I could have this baby but I feel so alone right now. And even if did come round, what kind of Dad will he be? He is four years younger than me but I never thought he was that immature.

Has anyone got any advice? What do I do if he really has decided to walk away? If I go ahead with this baby do I need to contact a solicitor. If I am having a baby I won't to try and give them the best and I won't stand for a father who doesn't want to see his child.

Morag

Crises pregnancy counseling is for women find themselves pregnant and it wasn't planned. This includes women who are considering having the baby. To talk about the shock, upset and emotional roller coaster and to find out what helps and supports there are out there that you can use.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/

There are centres all over the country and you can get to talk to a professional and start to deal with what you are feeling.

One of the things is, there is only so much you have control over.
There are lots of things you can do and you can make happen but they are your choices and actions.

You can't control or dictate to another person.

Iwillcope wrote: »

I won't stand for a father who doesn't want to see his child.

Honestly, you don't get a say or a choice in what he will choose to do.
If he got hit by a truck and killed tomorrow you would just have to make the decisions you are faced with now.

You can't make him be supportive, or make him be a father, or make him be in a child's life.

You can sure as hell make yourself miserable trying.

Do you want this child?
Do you want to be a parent?
Are you prepared to do your best? (that is all parents can do).
What do you need to do?

I know it's not easy, he maybe in shock, he may come around he may not, but end of the day it is down to you, and the child that you chose to have will have you, and that can be enough.. It's not the ideal notion of 'happy families' but many kids grow up to be good people and coming from loving and supportive homes with only one parent.

You mentioned in your post you've been abused as a child, often when victims/survivors find that they are going to have kids it can trigger another crises and I would suggest you get some counseling to try and work through it all.

I am sorry that finding out you are pregnant and telling the father as been such a horrible experience for you, we all get sold the fairy tale that it's all happiness and joy but for many it's not.

I am a friend

Iwillcope wrote: »

Has anyone got any advice? What do I do if he really has decided to walk away? If I go ahead with this baby do I need to contact a solicitor. If I am having a baby I won't to try and give them the best and I won't stand for a father who doesn't want to see his child.

OP, I am so sorry that he has reacted this way.... Do you have friends you can call on and someone you can talk to?

I think at this point, its not good for your health and the baby's to keep contacting him as its causing you huge stress. you have told him the news and he has reacted appallingly.... you need, for your own sake, to let him off. Maybe he will come back and make an effort and maybe he wont... TBH, he sounds like a hindrance so I think, if I were you, I would rather paddle my own canoe from here on. There is no point trying to drag him into fatherhood if he doesnt want it. As far as i know there is nothing (non invasive) you can do until the baby is born with regard paternity testing. He may come round by then and if so then I would look for maintenance from him if he wants to be involved in the childs life. If he didnt, then I dont think I would persue him for contact or for maintenance... Thats just my opinion but I think the baby is better off being raised by you alone than having a half hearted father in the mix... If he acts with the child like he has acted with you then do yoou really want him around???

Would you consider contacting cura or positive options to talk to someone.. you are in shock but you really need to mind yourself. You cant change him but you can change your reaction to him and not let it stress you so much....

It may not feel like it now but maybe this is the best thing to happen to you... I had a baby 5 months ago and it has been for me. Good luck and mind yourself

Eric Cartman

I think hed be more supportive if you were a bit calmer about it. You say you called him a zillion times and he didnt answer , then you called him a few more times and his phone is off , and that he left while talking.

I know Id do the exact same thing , i somebody calls me multiple times for being a few minutes late or gets needlessly angry at me , I turn my phone off or leave .

OP its a stressful situation for you , but it is for him aswell , try and keep a level hea and dont go mad , and when your looking for him on the phone , if he doesnt answer leave it an hour before another call

Iwillcope

Well I am going to chat with a lady in the well woman clinic tomorrow, my blood pressure was quite high last week so they need to keep any eye on that. I just don't think I can do it by myself, I wouldn't have much support from family as my Dad isn't well and I have a brother who is severely autistic so time isn't something they can help me with.

jellygems

leave urself a few weeks to sit with what your going thru, its alot to take in

believe it or not this time last year a week ago i found out i was pregnant, its a scary time....you need time to adjust its a shock


leave him now... he will come back when the shock wears of

Iwillcope

He just text me saying he was asleep and his phone died but he seems dead set against any baby and won't listen at all. I don't want to force him into anything either but I guess ultimately its my decision.

I am a friend

Well I do think if you choose to keep it and knowing that he doesnt want to be involved then its not fair (my own opinion) to go after him at a later stage for maintenance or contact.... He has stated what he wants to do and he is entitled to but you are just as entitled to keep the baby... I personally would find it very hard to have an abortion but its ultimately your choice.

Its an awful situation and I would love to give you a big hug... Its scary having an unexpected pregnancy and it doesn't help that he is acting like a knob...

Try to look after your health and know that you can do this, even without him.

jellygems

I am a friend wrote: »

Well I do think if you choose to keep it and knowing that he doesnt want to be involved then its not fair (my own opinion) to go after him at a later stage for maintenance or contact.... He has stated what he wants to do and he is entitled to but you are just as entitled to keep the baby... I personally would find it very hard to have an abortion but its ultimately your choice.

Its an awful situation and I would love to give you a big hug... Its scary having an unexpected pregnancy and it doesn't help that he is acting like a knob...

Try to look after your health and know that you can do this, even without him.

i think it is fair to go after him for maintenance, he doesnt have to have contact but he should be made help support a baby he created

hondasam

Iwillcope wrote: »

It's hard enough to deal with this but to have the father just decided to ignore you is heartbreaking. I am 30, I could have this baby but I feel so alone right now. And even if did come round, what kind of Dad will he be? He is four years younger than me but I never thought he was that immature.

Has anyone got any advice? What do I do if he really has decided to walk away? If I go ahead with this baby do I need to contact a solicitor. If I am having a baby I won't to try and give them the best and I won't stand for a father who doesn't want to see his child.

How long are you going out with this guy? It does not sound like he wants to have anything to do with a baby.
Contacting a solicitor is jumping the gun a bit and you cannot force him to see the child.
It's his decision what he wants to do same as it's your decision what you want to do. He might want to support the child financially when it's born.

I am a friend

jellygems wrote: »

i think it is fair to go after him for maintenance, he doesnt have to have contact but he should be made help support a baby he created

I don't agree. He wants her to have an abortion and if she chooses not to then I don't think he should be forced to pay.

edellc

^^^^^^

neither here nor there

regardless of what he wants if she has the baby she can bring him to the family law courts and seek maintenance, also as they are not in a relationship together this is obviously a shock to his system

OP you need to figure out what you want to do first regardless of anyone else, once you have decided if you are going to keep the baby or have an abortion then you move on to the next step...but be aware of the time scales

If you decide to keep the baby you need to look at your life and see how you are going to make the necessary adjustments to cater for this child, ie your living accommodation, your work situation and support network that includes friends as you have already pointed out your family is a no go, can you get help from the social welfare??

Being a single mam is hard but there are plenty who do it and survive to tell the tale so all is not lost if you do keep it

Also a lot of men who are not in a relationship seem to react this way but eventually come round and it can be the making of them, not saying this immature idiot will do that but stranger things have happened, but you can not force him to be a dad, however the law can make him financially responsible for his offspring whether they where intended or not

Also on a side note....for all you going on about abortion, the law does state its illegal to have one in this backward country so that is why if a baby is produced through fornication then that mother can presue the father for maintenance in the courts

Iwillcope

hondasam wrote: »

How long are you going out with this guy? It does not sound like he wants to have anything to do with a baby.
Contacting a solicitor is jumping the gun a bit and you cannot force him to see the child.
It's his decision what he wants to do same as it's your decision what you want to do. He might want to support the child financially when it's born.

I know him about three years but we are more friends than anything. I told him I would give him some head space and he seemed a bit calmer alright so I will go see the counsellor and doctor this week, leave him to think about things and he might be ok.

Killed By Death

Iwillcope wrote: »

I am not far gone, doctor says I am five weeks but I reckon I am just about three.

The pregnancy is counted from the first day of your last period, not from the date of conception, so you are five weeks not three. There isn't really any such thing as three weeks pregnant!

Iwillcope wrote: »

He was over again yesterday and we talked, I told him about child abuse I suffered as child and he just said nothing, just nodded along at the story. I lost the head again and he left, then he text me apologising again that he is freaked out.

I'm not really sure why you told him about your childhod abuse? He doesn't seem interested in a relationship and you need to accept that you can't make him.

Iwillcope wrote: »

I could have this baby but I feel so alone right now.

I'm afraid it looks like you are alone. If you decide to go ahead with this pregnancy then it's best that you accept from the start you are on your own and he'll be a deadbeat Dad. He seems to have made it clear from word and deed that he is not interested.

Iwillcope wrote: »

Has anyone got any advice? What do I do if he really has decided to walk away?

Well, I think that ship has sailed OP. He has showed no interest in you or the pregnancy, blocked you on Facebook. It doesn't look good.

Iwillcope wrote: »

I won't stand for a father who doesn't want to see his child.

I'm sorry but there is nothing you can do about it of he refuses to see the child. The most you can do is apply for financial maintenance for the child.

Iwillcope

Sorry I didn't really make myself clear, I don't want him to commit to me just to be there in any way he can.

iguana

Iwillcope wrote: »

I won't stand for a father who doesn't want to see his child.

I'm sorry you are having a bad time of things with his reaction to the pregnancy but what do you mean by this? Whether or not you have the baby is ultimately up to you but you can't control his relationship with it. Legally you can pursue him for maintenance but that's it, you can't force him to ever see the baby or be in it's life.

My advice is to accept that he will not be involved at all and make your decision based on how you will feel as a completely single mother. He may just be in shock now and talk to you when he gets his head around the situation but you can't rely on that.

Oh, and as KilledByDeath said, 3 weeks past conception is 5 weeks pregnant. So if you do consider termination bear that in mind as the type of procedure possible will vary depending on how many weeks along you are.

Belfastmedic

Hey OP, i'm in the same situation as yourself.

I was in a fwb situation, found out i was pregnant at xmas time and got an absolute shock considering i was on the pill 13yrs :eek:

Father wants nothing to do with it and wanted me to have a termination plus constant head wreck and texts, let me know what you're doing etc etc

Contact was cut both on facebook and by phone.

It's best to leave him out of the situation for now.

I'm due the 29th of August and will be a single mum but i made the decision to keep my baby and somedays i panic at the thought of coping alone but plenty of women have done it and managed well

gud4u

I understand you're having a hard time with this and it sounds like you'd be better off without this man regardless.

I have never met a woman yet who has regretted keeping her baby, I have met a few who have regretted termination.

Talk with the crisis counselors and remember there's lots of options available to you. With such a rise in infertility there's lots of woman who'd love to be like you..this is not a cut at you, just a thought.

Take care and give yourself plenty of time to think it through. Ditch the guy from now though as you really don't need that baggage dragging you down.

gud4u

Belfastmedic wrote: »

Hey OP, i'm in the same situation as yourself.

I was in a fwb situation, found out i was pregnant at xmas time and got an absolute shock considering i was on the pill 13yrs :eek:

Father wants nothing to do with it and wanted me to have a termination plus constant head wreck and texts, let me know what you're doing etc etc

Contact was cut both on facebook and by phone.

It's best to leave him out of the situation for now.

I'm due the 29th of August and will be a single mum but i made the decision to keep my baby and somedays i panic at the thought of coping alone but plenty of women have done it and managed well

Neither one of you are the first and certainly not the last for this to happen to. There is help available and it'll be worth it, it always is:)

Big Bag of Chips

It is very very early days. You are still getting your head around it. Talk of solicitors and maintenance and all that is a bit premature. You have AT LEAST 9 months before you need to start thinking about that.

Anything could happen between you and the dad in that time.

For now, take your time to get your head around the possibilities. Just as this is a huge shock for you, it is equally a shock for him. You will be more aware of it than he is because things will physically be happening to you... he won't have any sensation or feeling like a parent or having a child until a baby is born. And even then some dads don't feel much like a dad until the baby starts to "do stuff" and interact with them.

You are only 5 weeks pregnant. Stop. Stop contacting him. Stop annoying yourself with things he is or isn't doing. You can't change him. You can't force him to be interested or involved. He now knows you're pregnant. What more do you need from him at this point? Nothing.

If he wants to contact you, he knows where you are.

For now, concentrate on yourself and getting your own head around it. He may change his mind, he may not. But right now, there's nothing you can do about him.

And the more you hound him, the more opportunity you give him to walk away from the "psycho ex". (not saying you are, but he could use it as his excuse for blocking you)

Good luck to you. Take it easy, and for now try to forget about him... right now, he's not really important!

solerina

OP
You are in an awful position, its not easy for you or for the father but dont do anything drastic, its early days and you both need time to adjust to the news.
A very good friend had a baby boy 4 weeks ago....he was the result of a ONS with an ex. She told her ex she was pregnant as soon as she found out, he said he wanted nothing to do with it....this caused her serious mental stress (as she was still very friendly with the ex and his family) and made her pregnancy very difficult mentally....but about 3 weeks before the baby was due he arrived along and said that he had gotten over the shock and wanted to be part of his sons life....this took a huge load of her mind....since the baby has arrived he has been amazing (no interest from either of them in getting back together but he will be a great dad to his son). So take your time to think things through, and give him time too.

LegacyUser

Hey there OP, just an insight from a Mam who did it on her own 22years ago...I was married and found out I was pregnant at the same time my Ex decided he wasn't ready to be married! I went ahead with baby and in my innocence thought I would be ok, I had a good job etc etc.

All I can say is I had a job getting maintenance(paid after years even with a marriage cert), and I did pretty much ALL the parenting. You cannot make a man into a Dad, and even with a pittance of maintenance the worst part was being on my own night and day. Babies have a way of taking priority over everything, if they are sick and you are at work then you have to drop everything and leave..I got up at night, paid all the bills and lived a nun's existence(who wants strange men around a little child?). This is the reality of single parenting...lots of sacrifices and it is hard. I am only now able to seriously think about a serious relationship with my partner, and my career took a huge hit. And actually having no break from parenting because he didn't babysit was harder than managing on one salary..parenting is a TWO person job and my parents were too old to help out (unlike a lot of teen mums).
Just don't be under any illusions, I am out of the woods but it has taken 20years to get here. Good luck whatever you decide , and look after yourself.

Iwillcope

Thanks for that very honest reply.

He has been in contact since my initial post so he isn't going to just up and leave me to it, at least not yet.

I said we needed some space and I also sent him links to crisis counseling for men which I really want him to go to.

At the moment I don't think I am strong enough to do this totally on my own, I know I really shouldn't let his feelings dictate what I do but his participation in my child's life would be important to me. I don't think it would be fair on the child either, like some other posters said a Dad that he is half in and half out of a child's life probably does more damage.

I would be interested in any men who found themselves in a similar situation? I don't want to back him into a corner but I just really want to know what he is feeling. All I am getting is a scared little boy look and hmming and hawing.

Sleepy

TBH, it sounds like neither of ye are mature enough to be parents. There's lots of flying off the handle going on, walking out on conversations, hanging up, avoiding each other etc.

Ye won't be able to do that with the child. It's a 24/7 job. If you can't face a termination, have you considered adoption?

Iwillcope

Sleepy wrote: »

TBH, it sounds like neither of ye are mature enough to be parents. There's lots of flying off the handle going on, walking out on conversations, hanging up, avoiding each other etc.

Ye won't be able to do that with the child. It's a 24/7 job. If you can't face a termination, have you considered adoption?

Ah come on, that's a ridiculous assumption to make. I am pretty sure we aren't the only people in the world to react like this to an unplanned pregnancy.

Adoption is a massive no, no for me.

P. Breathnach

Iwillcope wrote: »

... All I am getting is a scared little boy look and hmming and hawing.

I don't think that is surprising. While your pregnancy is a huge deal for you, it's a pretty big deal for him also. He probably need time to come to terms with it.

So we have you in an emotional state (or probably a series of different emotional states) and we have him in some sort of shock. It's hard to guess where he will end up, but I don't see clear reason why you should write him off yet.

You may be a page ahead of him in the book, and be in a position to do some managing of things. Have you told him what you want from him and what you don't want?

I am a friend

Iwillcope wrote: »

I also sent him links to crisis counseling for men which I really want him to go to.

Op it may not be the reality but from what you are posting here it sounds like you are giving him a lot of instruction and are very dogmatic about how you want him to behave... You cant control him and you will only hurt yourself trying.

I personally would rather adoption to abortion but thats your call.

ElleEm

OP, I agree with the other posters here.
The guy is bound to be shocked. You've had a couple of weeks to ponder whether you were or weren't pregnant. You took tests, then went to the docs. It's also YOUR body so your hormones are kicking in too.

Imagine how you would feel if one night, out of the blue, you got a text telling you that you would become a parent in nine months. I sure as hell would be freaking out!

He may need time to process this alone, but when he does come back to talk to you about it, make sure you are also HEARING what he is saying too. This child belongs to both of you, and if you have made your mind up about your decision, you can't expect him to go along with it. Be prepared for this x

Iwillcope

Ok, I understand that. I just think he may find things easier if he had someone to talk to, he has told a friend though.

ElleEm

Iwillcope wrote: »

Ok, I understand that. I just think he may find things easier if he had someone to talk to, he has told a friend though.

Absolutely. You are sounding off here, and he obviously needs to speak to someone impartial too.

I am a friend

Iwillcope wrote: »

I just think ....

You are being very kind thinking about him but you need to think about yourself and get your own head around it...

Iwillcope

Iwillcope wrote: »

He was over again yesterday and we talked, I told him about child abuse I suffered as child and he just said nothing, just nodded along at the story. I lost the head again and he left, then he text me apologising again that he is freaked out.

This just jumps out at me for some reason. Why did you tell him that you suffered abuse?

It sounds to me like you're having a kid for all the wrong reasons. One of which seems to be to get attention from the father. It scares me - the idea of creating a child to use as a tool, and I just hope you can make some sensible decisions and not ruin a child's life.

ElleEm

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

This just jumps out at me for some reason. Why did you tell him that you suffered abuse?

It sounds to me like you're having a kid for all the wrong reasons. One of which seems to be to get attention from the father. It scares me - the idea of creating a child to use as a tool, and I just hope you can make some sensible decisions and not ruin a child's life.

It raised flags for me too.

OP, is seems like this revealation of abuse came from nowhere. What was your motivation for telling him this now, as opposed to any other time?

Iwillcope

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

This just jumps out at me for some reason. Why did you tell him that you suffered abuse?

It sounds to me like you're having a kid for all the wrong reasons. One of which seems to be to get attention from the father. It scares me - the idea of creating a child to use as a tool, and I just hope you can make some sensible decisions and not ruin a child's life.

I am sorry but I won't accept that, I didn't plan this and trapping some poor young fella by getting pregnant by him was never on my list of things to do. I have had it tough in my life but I am fairly together considering what happened to me, I am not looking for attention or sympathy. I am grown woman with plenty of things going for me and I don't need this man's attention to complete me. He's not the only man who has showed interest in me and he won't be the last regardless of what happens.

Why did I tell him? It just came out, I was talking about how I was worried that what happened to me as a kid would somehow make me a terrible mother. He knew about the abuse, just not the extent of it but we had discussed it before. Ive discussed it quite openly, I even appeared on a radio show last year to talk about it.

Big Bag of Chips

You are putting too much emphasis on your expectations of him. You drop this bombshell, then you "lost the head" because he didn't respond as you wanted when you spoke about the abuse.

I know at the moment you need support and reassurance and an impartial ear. And someone who can help you without steering you one way or another.... BUT... he's not that someone. Because he is also caught up in this. So even though this affects you hugely (more so because of past abuse) it is also affecting him hugely. And he's not really in a place YET to know what's the right or wrong thing to say. So his best bet was saying nothing.

You're looking for some sort of reassurance from him that it's all going to be ok. But he can't give you that yet, because YOU don't even know if you're going to be ok... do you know what I mean?

Tell him you're going to take time for a while, to let him get his head around it, and to let you figure it out too. You don't seem good when you are together (for now) so you need to be apart for a while until you are both thinking fairly clearly.

hondasam

Iwillcope wrote: »

At the moment I don't think I am strong enough to do this totally on my own, I know I really shouldn't let his feelings dictate what I do but his participation in my child's life would be important to me. I don't think it would be fair on the child either, like some other posters said a Dad that he is half in and half out of a child's life probably does more damage.

You are 30 not 17, you are well capable of bringing up a child on your own. You cannot make him do anything he does not want to do.
The decision is yours on whether to have the baby and keep it or not. I think you will have the baby but want him there all the time not just as a part time dad.
Does he feel like your are trying to trap him into a full time relationship?

Iwillcope

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You are putting too much emphasis on your expectations of him. You drop this bombshell, then you "lost the head" because he didn't respond as you wanted when you spoke about the abuse.

I know at the moment you need support and reassurance and an impartial ear. And someone who can help you without steering you one way or another.... BUT... he's not that someone. Because he is also caught up in this. So even though this affects you hugely (more so because of past abuse) it is also affecting him hugely. And he's not really in a place YET to know what's the right or wrong thing to say. So his best bet was saying nothing.

You're looking for some sort of reassurance from him that it's all going to be ok. But he can't give you that yet, because YOU don't even know if you're going to be ok... do you know what I mean?

Tell him you're going to take time for a while, to let him get his head around it, and to let you figure it out too. You don't seem good when you are together (for now) so you need to be apart for a while until you are both thinking fairly clearly.

Ok, I understand that. I suppose I have some idea in the back of my head that he is going to come running to the rescue but obviously not. I guess I feel like this is my problem but I keep forgetting he is probably devastated too.

Hondasam - I honestly don't know what he thinks, he is just in shock. He was a bit more vocal on Saturday but he barely uttered a word when he came over Sunday, just nodded. I want him to tell me what he thinks but all I got was 'I just want it over with' which I assume means the abortion.

I am a friend

Iwillcope wrote: »

he is going to come running to the rescue

This could be the making of you and I mean that in the best possible way

Iwillcope

I am a friend wrote: »

This could be the making of you and I mean that in the best possible way

I think it would too but maybe I have to get used to the idea that I have to face it alone.

Big Bag of Chips

Iwillcope wrote: »

maybe I have to get used to the idea that I have to face it alone.

At least start off from that point. That way you're prepared and won't feel so totally let down. And if when the time comes he does stand up and decides to help and support in whatever way he can, then that's a bonus.

Unfortunately the biology of life means that men can walk away and ignore these things easier than women.

(Before I'm jumped on, yes it is a generalisation... and I don't mean ALL men!)

And what if it isn't the making of you? What then? What quality of life does this kid get?


Based on your description of the dad, I can imagine word for word the conversations he is having with his friends about this. What kind of 30 year old stands someone up and then has their friend make voices on phone when they call?


I have yet to see evidence of even one single positive in this whole story.

I am a friend

Rojomcdojo wrote: »

And what if it isn't the making of you? What then? What quality of life does this kid get?


Based on your description of the dad, I can imagine word for word the conversations he is having with his friends about this. What kind of 30 year old stands someone up and then has their friend make voices on phone when they call?


I have yet to see evidence of even one single positive in this whole story.

Very harsh... Just cos a kid has two parents living in the same home, doesnt mean it wont be messed up.

OP sounds panicked but that is natural.

Killed By Death

Iwillcope wrote: »

Ok, I understand that. I suppose I have some idea in the back of my head that he is going to come running to the rescue but obviously not. I guess I feel like this is my problem but I keep forgetting he is probably devastated too.

Oh OP. I'm afraid you have a rude awakening ahead of you. No-one is going to 'rescue' you here. Quite the opposite, you are the one who is going to have to be strong here. All day, every day 24/7 that is what being a parent is about.

You have to get your head together here and stop daydreaming about 'being rescued'. You have just under 8 months to prepare for this baby. I'm pregnant now and I can tell you the time flies. There is so much to do/organise and buy and the baby is not even here yet.

You have to start facing reality and stop chasing this guy. At best he's reluctant. You keep saying you 'want' him to do this or that, but that's not your call. You can't control him. You can hope he will come around at best. You need to stop focusing on him and his reactions. You have to deal with reality.

If you are not having an abortion you need to tell him that and let him get used to the idea and then prepare to get on with things on your own. If you are then you need to make your enquiries in good time.

You are the one in charge now. You have important decisions to make. You need to focus your energy on that and then prepare and plan the practical stuff because waiting to make your decisions based on this lads feeling is just building castles on sand. I don't think he's suddenly going to man up and start taking charge somehow. Am I right in thinking he is 26?

Sleepy

Iwillcope wrote: »

Ok, I understand that. I suppose I have some idea in the back of my head that he is going to come running to the rescue but obviously not. I guess I feel like this is my problem but I keep forgetting he is probably devastated too.

Hondasam - I honestly don't know what he thinks, he is just in shock. He was a bit more vocal on Saturday but he barely uttered a word when he came over Sunday, just nodded. I want him to tell me what he thinks but all I got was 'I just want it over with' which I assume means the abortion.

You've had your answer: he doesn't want a kid (and I'd agree with Rojomcdojo, he sounds like he still is one himself).

He *might* get used to the idea over the next 9 months and live up to his responsibilities as a father if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy or he may not. For the purposes of the decision you have to make, you have to assume he's not going to.

As for the "this might be the making of you" comment, don't trust on this. It's statistically more likely that you'll end up suffering post-natal depression than miraculously become happy with who you are once the child is born. The potential baby isn't going to be your saviour any more than the father is: they can't change your past or magically make you happy.

Iwillcope

Yea he isn't even 26 yet, won't be until the end of July which is making me feel even more guilty over the whole situation. I wish I never told him.

hondasam

Iwillcope wrote: »

Hondasam - I honestly don't know what he thinks, he is just in shock. He was a bit more vocal on Saturday but he barely uttered a word when he came over Sunday, just nodded. I want him to tell me what he thinks but all I got was 'I just want it over with' which I assume means the abortion.

My advice would be for you to make your decision and leave him out of it for now. He might want to be included at a later date and then you will have to decide if you want him to be involved.
This is causing you stress and stopping you enjoying the fact you are going to have a baby, you do want the baby right?

Iwillcope

hondasam wrote: »

My advice would be for you to make your decision and leave him out of it for now. He might want to be included at a later date and then you will have to decide if you want him to be involved.
This is causing you stress and stopping you enjoying the fact you are going to have a baby, you do want the baby right?

I do but not on my own, if I am honest. It was weird when I first suspected I was dead set against everything and then when the doctor told me I felt scared but a little excited too. But I just can't do this all by myself, it's too much. And I can't force him to be a Dad either.

ash23

OP, been there, done that.
Was 19 and was met with a very negative reaction from the father. Gave him time to process it and he completely cut contact, moved and changed his number. Haven't heard from him since.
Reality is that some men are perfectly capable of walking away and never looking back.

There is a chance he will step up and support you but being honest, I wouldn't expect it from him.
If you are having this baby you have to accept it will be alone. And that is damn hard. You get all of the responsibility, all of the sleepless nights. You have to figure out work and childcare and cover when the baby is sick etc etc.

It's all very stressful and hard. But of course it is rewarding too but if you're going into it thinking he's going to rescue you, well I'm sorry but that's deluded.

hondasam

Iwillcope wrote: »

I do but not on my own, if I am honest. It was weird when I first suspected I was dead set against everything and then when the doctor told me I felt scared but a little excited too. But I just can't do this all by myself, it's too much. And I can't force him to be a Dad either.

Of course you can do it on your own, lots of women do. Why do you think you can't?

up for anything

Iwillcope wrote: »

Ok, I understand that. I just think he may find things easier if he had someone to talk to, he has told a friend though.

Forget about him and his needs. Regardless of him being younger than you he is an adult and can sort himself out. It doesn't sound like he is welcoming your interference. You are trying to go from friends and a shag straight to a couple with a baby, or so it seems to me.

Iwillcope wrote: »

Sorry I didn't really make myself clear, I don't want him to commit to me just to be there in any way he can.

If you go ahead and have this baby with his full agreement he will be not just committing to the baby but also to you as someone who will be in his life, and the life of any/every partner that he ever has for a lifetime. That is a huge idea for him to take onboard and he will need time and space to come to any conclusions about your joint situation.

IMO you need to stop trying to include and make arrangements for him and just take the time to take it all in for yourself and see is this baby here and now what you really want. I see that you wouldn't consider adoption under any circumstances but there is also termination that you can consider. An abortion does not have to be a traumatic event with regretful feelings echoing down the years. It can be an easy way out of a difficult situation.

Iwillcope

hondasam wrote: »

Of course you can do it on your own, lots of women do. Why do you think you can't?

Money, I work in a pretty mental job. Its expected that I work 10 hours most days sometimes more, I travel with it a good bit too. I also won't be entitled to maternity leave payments from my employer so I imagine the first few months will be tight.

Then there's all the other stuff I have to consider like childcare, housing, schools. I was out of work for over a year and only just getting back on my feet so I don't have a cent to my name really. Not that he can help there either, he lost his job recently.

I think abortion is the only option and it makes me feel so guilty. Ive always been quite liberal but it's different considering your own situation.