So So Sad and Down

LegacyUser

About a year and a half ago i broke up with my ex of 4 years(she was my first longterm girlfriend, i'm 30 now) and i'm still so down about it and get upset about it every day. I think about her when i go to bed at night and she's in my head when i get up in the morning and it has me so depressed. I hate going into work everyday and not because i'm in a crap job or anything, i'm struggling with everything in general.
I'm sleeping with a different girl nearly every weekend when i go out and then i'm back to being hungover and really depressed on sundays. i very rarely arrange to meet up with them again, was dating a girl for a few months around xmas but i knew i wasnt mad about her and kept comparing her to my ex and then i felt really bad about telling her i didnt want to see her any longer. I havent confided in anyone about how down i feel, I'm generally the life and soul of parties always smiling and making people laugh but deep inside i'm mentally shattered and i dont know how to overcome this.i've even started to gamble more than i ever have. I would love to meet a nice girl and not even have to think of my ex because lets face it lifes short and i want to really enjoy life again. suppose i just wanted to write that to get it off my chest. anyone any ideas how i can be 'me' again?

thanks

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Hang in there it does get better. A similar thing happened to me about a year and half ago. For a full year I was down and depressed about everything and couldnt stop thinking about the other person. Its tuff. They say a breakup is nearly as bad a death. Time does heal though. It takes time. Maybe best not to go out on the tare every week as that cycle is hard to get out of. Drink-> hangover-> depressed and start it again. Drinking only numbs the pain for that particular night. Start looking after yourselve join a club or even the gym just do things for you. I found this worked for me. With time it gets easier. Its tuff but you will get there.

TheBegotten

Are you naturally depressive? This isn't as bad or mean as it sounds. It happens. Chech the "Let's all laugh at people with depresion" thread in AH.
Otherwise, try a diary/consuler to talk it out.

edellc

what was so special about this girl that 4years later you still have her on your mind?

secondly life is about moving forward, maybe you need to be on your own for a bit, get over the old relationship, figure out what you want in life, who you are now (lets face it life experiences changes us) and what you are about now and once you are happy with you now, love will find you

As for the gambling, I would seek help for that before it really gets out of hand

maybe take up a hobby or a different interest other than getting pissed at the weekend and shagging anything with a pulse, who really finds the one in a nightclub :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

How have your feelings towards her changed since you broke up with her? I'm just wondering if you're feeling even worse now than maybe you did at the time of the break up, maybe you like her more now than you did at the time. If this is the case I think you're probably not remembering her as she was and maybe putting her on a pedestal, and over time you've been imagining her as better than she was. There was a reason you broke up with her.

I'm not saying she wasn't great, I'm just saying that maybe she wasn't exactly as you now remember her. I think its just something to consider as you may have built her up in your head over time so no one else can compare now. Maybe if you saw her again you would remember her differently.

Pawwed Rig

A year and a half is a long time. Probably too long if I am honest. If you are not getting over this you may want to consider some kind of counselling. Maybe talking to a GP would be an idea.

Breaks up are often worse than bereavment. With bereavment at least there is a sense of loss, understanding with no blame whereas breakups can be shattering. You need to address this before it takes up more of your life

beks101

Firstly, knock the drinking and the one night stands on the head, they aren't doing you an ounce of good. It's a vicious cycle of drink - drunk sex - hangover - depression that's going to make you feel even worse in the long-run, you don't need it, give it a rest.

Secondly, any chance of re-kindling what you had with your ex? Sounds to me like you haven't had closure. Are you still in contact with her, still fb friends etc? If so, put an end to that right now, you're only wrecking your own head and making it worse.

If there's definitely no chance of getting back together, you're going to have to find a way to move on and your current set up clearly isn't the way. Maybe take 6 months off women, dating, random sex etc and spend that extra time on yourself, developing your hobbies, spending time with good friends and family, travelling, getting used to your own company and getting back to 'yourself'. Set some goals for yourself - do a triathlon, travel to Asia, get back in touch with an old friend....anything that re-focuses your mind on your own self-worth.

Change your routine and you'll be grand. These things take time and patience. Chin up!

SunnyDub1

Hi Op,

Worst thing to do when feeling like that is drinking and sleeping around - this is part of your problem. Knock it on the head for a while, you will feel better for it. There is more to life then drink and woman.

Try get out with Friends, spend more time with family - just do things that will take your mind off her, start a new sport join a gym, play the xbox, read a book, watch a film etc etc

Yous broke up for a reason remember that reason. Start looking after yourself and focus on other things, bring new things into your life.

You will meet someone better then your ex in time. But take this single time as a chance to make you a better person and feel good about yourself again

LegacyUser

op here again, thanks for all your replies, I suppose because we had such a rocky relationship(she was quiet insecure and jealous for no reason at all) everyday i think to myself what i could have dont better in the relationship and it gets me down alot. we dont stay in contact at all except for a few texts over xmas, not FB friends or anything like that and i havent gone near her facebook page for fear of seeing her in a picture with a new guy(thats life i suppose)

I just need to fan the fu*ck up really, i'd love to meet a nice girl(i'm quite picky to be honest) i see people settle for the first thing that comes along after a relationship breakup. I'll just have to bide my time. I play football and i am in a gym so thats good for keeping me occupied. Since ive been 17 ive been going out most weekends and its hard to get out of that routine once friday comes along and i reckon thats the same for lots of irish people, its our culture. I'm gonna cut down on alcohol and not get tempted to jump into bed with the first girl that gets my attention on a night out.

a fat guy

Stop drinking altogether.

Stop having casual sex.

Stop eating anything that is bad for you.

Work out at least once a week.

Just hang out with friends when you're out instead of chatting up ladies and eventually you will begin to feel better. From there, choose a friend that you want to go out with. Remember that you have to love yourself before mutual love can take place; you'll have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else again. Right now you're just hung up on the one girl because you're stuck in a self-destructive cycle. So get out of it and enjoy your life.

Good luck mate.

msg11

deepdownimhurtin wrote: »

Since ive been 17 ive been going out most weekends and its hard to get out of that routine once friday comes along and i reckon thats the same for lots of irish people, its our culture. I'm gonna cut down on alcohol and not get tempted to jump into bed with the first girl that gets my attention on a night out.

Same here OP, but over the last 6 months I have cut my drinking down to Friday, Saturday. Over the last 5/6 weeks I have stopped going out on a Friday. Tomorrow is the start of stopping going out of the Saturday. The drink dose not help the mind what so ever, I want to get to stage where I am going out the odd weekend.

Speaking from experience with smoking, this is how I managed to stop smoking, I cut back on my usage first then after 3/4 months just managed to stop completely. So I am applying the same to the drinking and going out, once you manage it in a proper fashion it will work and you won't want to see your efforts going to waste. Then again you could try just stopping completely.

Personally I never seen the point in jumping into bed with some randomer on a night out, there's no real connection and the risks are so high.

Hope this helps!

Katgurl

I agree with all the above posters saying knock the drinking / ONS on the head. You say you go to the gym / play rugby, why don't you sign up for an event (marathon / triathlon) that you have to train really hard for, just to get you out of the pub every weekend habit.

The only thing I have to add is please stop with the 'putting on a brave face' yeah ok you might think that's the reason your friends like/love you but its not, so confide in someone that you're having a hard time and stop putting pressure on yourself to be the life and soul.