Releasing bottled up anger

Lorrs33

I've started seeing a counsellor recently and, unlike previous experiences with counsellors, I was blunt about everything, including my inability to deal with my anger. Anger runs in my family, the best example being my brother, who has a terrible temper (not violent of course). Anyway, I've bottled it up all my life, I've never stood up for myself. I work in retail and take every bit of crap that's handed to me by customers.

My counsellor suggested punching a pillow, although I read a book that disputed this method and rather suggested that I think of a happy memory to calm myself down. Neither have worked so if anyone who has maybe had the same problem could suggest something, I'd be eternally grateful. Please no smart replies. This is something I've been struggling with for most of my life.

Oryx

Im not a fiercely angry person, but when Im stressed with a particular situation or person, the only cure usually is to walk away. (Hard in retail, I know). Breathe deep, and go do something nice for myself (even if its just a sitdown with coffee).

Other long term things that have helped have been meditation, and exercise. Now I dont mean that you should sit in lotus position and go ommmm when something annoys you, but learning to calm your mind helps you to remember how to stay calm when normally you would kick off.

And lastly, when its justified, I sometimes just let rip. Because bottling it up just means youll explode even more when you do go off, or youll get depressed from holding in your feelings.

Procrastastudy

That's not a character flaw thats working in retail. Customers are ****ers! Try and remember the odd nice one and how much more you gave them because they were nice. There is an unfortunate attitude in Ireland of standing-up for yourself meaning, rude, obnoxious and abusive to many. Exactly the same and more can be achieved by politely stating a compliant at the right time to the right person by the right means. Anyway thats more of a retail rant

Anger - find a physical exercise you enjoy - kick boxing, running something you can really go for it in. Channel your anger into that - with customers just let it wash over you - the person in front of you is just lashing out and they don't mean half of what they say. I have to admit it was quite cathartic during the boom as a retail manager just to say - right your done and have the person escorted out.

In your personal life just learn to say - you know what I've had enough I need to calm down and walk away. It's not winning an argument to loose it and throw a wobbly - go for a run, cycle or what ever come back and deal with the problem. 99 time out of a hundred it won't seem as bad as it did when you were boiling up anyway.

Also if you kick box people will be less likely to annoy you (joking of course!)

deman

I work in retail too and also have to put up with customers complaining usually about our prices. When they do this, I just say to myself, this customer is just showing how stupid they are and have no idea how to do business or be an entrepreneur. And I also have a look at the merchandise for sale just across from me; Keep Calm and Carry On

Procrastastudy

I know my rights I'm a lawyer I once walked past the Four Courts!

I know more about this than you do I'm a computer Programmer I once put my PIN in a cash machine

You are being very rude - when you have politely said no fifty times.

Oh and my absolute favorite - You'll be hearing from my husband (Dundrum of course!)

I started my retail career as a mild mannered polite prude. Fifteen years later I'm crude, crass and very very cynical about the future of the human race.

I'm going for a run! Seriosuly just sitting here typing about it makes me angry!!!

deman

My favourite one was...

"Don't you know who my father is?" from a guy whose father was a shareholder in the co-operative (hardware) shop. I refused to refund an item which he'd destroyed by cutting parts off it trying to make it fit.

Procrastastudy

I'm going to have to resist keep posting as this will just og massively off topic but I will say working in Retail is not good for your anger levels!

I honestly want to become a lawyer and deal with rapists more than deal with any more customers!

blatantrereg

letting go of anger is probably best, when it serves no useful purpose, which is true in most cases really!

Standing up for yourself is much easier if you aren't angry. If you get angry, it's a victory for the other person in almost all cases. You also won't get angry too often if you stand up for yourself. Anger almost always undermines you standing up for yourself.

I tend to agree with your book wrt letting off steam not being ideal - it just reinforces your tendency to get angry in the first place. Glorifies anger even.

If you put your mind to not accepting bad treatment, without getting angry about it, you might be surprised at how quickly people will learn to respect that. The types who pick on others just because they'll accept being picked on - those types are usually pretty limited people. It's not a sign of a strong personality really! If they are in positions of authority etc - well the same is true, but maybe even moreso.

Calibos

Trust me, I'm not making like of this but I think one needs something harder than a pillow.

I've never been in a fight in my 38 years. Never thrown a punch. Mild mannered. But sometimes you need to punch something and a Pillow doesn't cut it. It needs to be a solid surface tbh and it needs to be hit with enough force to hurt but not enough to brake bones or draw blood.

I know this might seem close to the Psychology of self harm (Cutting) but for me at any rate, its once in a blue moon I'd feel the need to do it, it works to relieve the anger and I have never understood nor considered cutting whether or not it is related psychologically to punching a wooden counter for example.

The way I look at it is that although slightly related there is a difference between a short sharp shock of pain from punching the counter to deal with a short sharp bout of frustration/anger than prolonged regular slicing of ones own flesh to deal with prolonged regular emotional pain.

P. Breathnach

If you don't get angry, then you don't have a problem in dealing with it.

You should examine the sort of things that make you angry, and see if you can think your way to letting them happen without them getting under your skin. For example, many of the things customers say to staff in retail outlets reflect the customer's frustration or unreasonableness, and really have nothing to do with you other than that yours are the available ears: don't take it personally. Sometimes you should be able to see right through a situation - things the idiot who tries to give you a hard time to impress his girlfriend; you should learn to be amused by such silliness.

No matter how hard you try, you will never eliminate all anger from your life. But it should be possible to reduce the incidence greatly.

TheBegotten

GCDLawstudent wrote: »

That's not a character flaw thats working in retail. Customers are ****ers! Try and remember the odd nice one and how much more you gave them because they were nice. There is an unfortunate attitude in Ireland of standing-up for yourself meaning, rude, obnoxious and abusive to many. Exactly the same and more can be achieved by politely stating a compliant at the right time to the right person by the right means. Anyway thats more of a retail rant

Anger - find a physical exercise you enjoy - kick boxing, running something you can really go for it in. Channel your anger into that - with customers just let it wash over you - the person in front of you is just lashing out and they don't mean half of what they say. I have to admit it was quite cathartic during the boom as a retail manager just to say - right your done and have the person escorted out.

In your personal life just learn to say - you know what I've had enough I need to calm down and walk away. It's not winning an argument to loose it and throw a wobbly - go for a run, cycle or what ever come back and deal with the problem. 99 time out of a hundred it won't seem as bad as it did when you were boiling up anyway.

Also if you kick box people will be less likely to annoy you (joking of course!)

Very good advice. Something that's physically hard, mentally challenging and requires concentration. Also, playing grunge/punk helps. All inspirations for those songs come from anger / frustration.

girl2

Hello OP

I dont know what book youre referring to about the "not punching the pillow" thing, but I remember reading that somewhere myself.

If it wasnt this same book.............

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Anger-Buddhist-Wisdom-Cooling-Flames/dp/0712611819

I found this to be quite inspiring. It is a good approach about recognising your anger and how to manage it.

I totally agree with what Oryx says about the meditation. That will definitely help you on a subconscious level. As well as that, I found (as I would suffer from anger issues)......the practice of yoga nidra to be excellent to calm me down. These are specific guided practices, something to the effect of meditation. You could search for some podcasts on iTunes as there are a few good ones there. If you cant find any, let me know and I will send you on a few links to a few that I think are fantastic.

Good luck anyway.

Bricriu

Lorrs,

I think Biodynamic Therapy might help. There is a Men's Therapy Group in Galway based on Biodynamic Therapy and it's a geat place for dealing with all emotions, including anger.

I see you're in Dublin, so Google it and you may find a similar group in Dublin. If not, do research, and you will find a suitable group.

Good luck

Lorrs33

Thank you so much for all the replies, they have been really helpful!Meditation does seem like the best option but my problem is is that I have difficulty switching off. I suppose it takes practice

Found loads of podcasts on iTunes!

gud4u

Calibos wrote: »

Trust me, I'm not making like of this but I think one needs something harder than a pillow.

I've never been in a fight in my 38 years. Never thrown a punch. Mild mannered. But sometimes you need to punch something and a Pillow doesn't cut it. It needs to be a solid surface tbh and it needs to be hit with enough force to hurt but not enough to brake bones or draw blood.

I know this might seem close to the Psychology of self harm (Cutting) but for me at any rate, its once in a blue moon I'd feel the need to do it, it works to relieve the anger and I have never understood nor considered cutting whether or not it is related psychologically to punching a wooden counter for example.

The way I look at it is that although slightly related there is a difference between a short sharp shock of pain from punching the counter to deal with a short sharp bout of frustration/anger than prolonged regular slicing of ones own flesh to deal with prolonged regular emotional pain.

Please don't use a counter or hard surface of any kind to punch.

I have the very same problem as you and as a recovered self harmer I wouldn't recommend inflicting pain of any kind on yourself as a remedy.

When anger is turned in on yourself you can't live it out easily and as you didn't store it up over night, it won't dissipate over night either.

I have to say exercise is the only thing that works for me. I also got a punch bag, with gloves so it does feel better than a pillow and I think that's what the above poster is suggesting.
Kick boxing is great if you can do it. I get frustrated at my inability to switch off so meditation just serves to make me angrier:rolleyes:

The best thing my supervisor ever said to me with regard to c*ntomers is, ''let the uniform take it''. If you are not in a position to to be able to tell a customer they are rude etc, just look through them and take it out on thier imagined face when you get that punch bag.

metaoblivia

I can empathize, OP! I used to work retail as well, and customers can be really tough to deal with. Anger also runs in my family. My father is an alcoholic, has anger issues, and was violent to my brother and me when we were growing up. I too saw a counselor, and we talked about healthy ways to deal with anger.

She said that certain types of anger - she referred to it as 'rage' - need some kind of physical release. She suggested I get a soft baseball bat (like a nerf bat) and use it to beat soft pieces of furniture, like my bed or sofa. So I did. It was a really good release, and no furniture was harmed in the process.

She also helped me understand that sometimes you've a right to feel anger and even rage, and they aren't emotions you should feel ashamed of. You just have to find healthy ways to channel them.

Belfastmedic

You could also write down how you feel on a piece of paper and burn it

Taltos

mogsmoo - your post has been deleted. Please take some time to review our charter, off topic posting is frowned on in this forum and can result in warnings/bans. While I sympathise with what you are going through please use your own thread which you have started and don't hijack others.

thanks
Taltos

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Lorrs33 wrote: »

I've started seeing a counsellor recently and, unlike previous experiences with counsellors, I was blunt about everything, including my inability to deal with my anger. Anger runs in my family, the best example being my brother, who has a terrible temper (not violent of course). Anyway, I've bottled it up all my life, I've never stood up for myself. I work in retail and take every bit of crap that's handed to me by customers.

My counsellor suggested punching a pillow, although I read a book that disputed this method and rather suggested that I think of a happy memory to calm myself down. Neither have worked so if anyone who has maybe had the same problem could suggest something, I'd be eternally grateful. Please no smart replies. This is something I've been struggling with for most of my life.

Is this a joke? Posters re talking about workin in retail as if thats an anger general? Lord above!

Address the core problem....who in gods name told u to punch a pillow?

This thread is mad, either its a total wind up OR u all need to get therapy.

Humria

Lorrs33 wrote: »

Anyway, I've bottled it up all my life, I've never stood up for myself.

It sounds like you need to be more assertive. By bottling it up you are just intensifying your feelings. Sometimes you have to take crap but most of the time you don't. When you let people get away with stuff it's harder to let go of it. I bet if you started to be more assertive and stand up for yourself you'd be a lot less angry.