Why won't he have sex with me?

LegacyUser

Just want to ask you guys a question regarding my bf and his sudden unwillingness to have sex with me.

Just to recap last august we had a ONS, he initiated all contact after that, I played coy for a while but we soon fell into a friends with benefits type thing - we were pretty much having sex all the time and not much talking at this point. The sex was brilliant!

Things started to change around November - he started to talk more and we had sex less, he basically told me that he liked me and that he wanted to be with me.
By January we made things official.

Soon we started to have sex less and less. I asked him about this (Didn't nag, just asked was he alright) and he admitted that he didn't want me to think all he wanted from me was sex. He was trying to show that he had feelings for me through other methods, sweet I thought but I was starting to get frustrated.
He also told me that his job was stressing him and that he hated it (long hours, ****e pay, no recognition for good work and general overworking) I thought grand and didn't press it, but it gradually got worse and worse. He went from asking me to stay at his every night to never at all (to be honest doesn't both me, he has a single bed and I need my space!). He told me that his sex drive was literally non existent. I should mention that I was having problems with the pill which diminished my sex drive immensely so I was in no mood for sex eith, I am now on a new brand that has me raring to go!

So We broke up, it was a mutual thing, I wanted to concentrate on exams and I wanted to give him space. he wanted to sort his head out so I let him. The break up was in no way connected to anything sexual.

During this I made no attempt to contact him, he has contacted me on a very regular basis. We decided that after exams to give it another go. My exams are starting on the 10th of May. As of the past few weeks he has stayed in mine over weekends (I live with parents but they don't mind him staying over), and has come up to mine very frequently during the week. Yet with exams and such looming I have not brought up the whole 'relationship' thing with him, I don't want to wreck my head just yet, these exams are my finals, my degree depend on these I do not want any drama.

However despite him staying over and me practically throwing myself at him he just will not have sex with me! His job has him working all hours, I understand that he can be stressed. He gives me cuddles all the time, always kissing me, holding hands, wants to just sit and cuddle while watching TV. He'll sometimes show that he may want to by getting an erection but he won't do anything about it, even if I initiate! we attempted sex a few weeks ago, but I was quite drunk and he had the flu. Since then nothing, and to be honest it wasn't even a bit of help towards stating me.

I'm just so frustrated at the moment, I outright said it to him tonight that I wanted to have sex to relax me, he just goes 'I'm tired' and goes home! I'm stressed with exams and feel horrible about myself. I know I'm an attractive girl, I've been propositioned many times over the past few weeks but I would never do anything about it, I want to be with him not anyone else.

He is planning a holiday with me, and he's mad excited about it, very up for everything. If he didn't want to be with me then why plan a holiday that is months in the future?

He's my perfect person, just minus the sex drive! It's driving me mad, I've even resorted to fingering myself while he just lies there beside me and he doesn't react at all. I've made it obvious just to see if he needed visual stimulus! Nothing.

I just want some opinions on this? Maybe he doesn't want to complicate things by having sex? Maybe he is telling the truth and stress really has diminished his sex drive?

Maybe he just doesn't find me attractive ...

my heads wrecked and I hate loosing sleep over this, it just makes me feel so angry sometimes. We shouldn't be encountering this problem so soon in the relationship.

Oh He's 23 and I'm 22.

Oh and I should add in case this is of any relevance, we both go to the gym regular, he got me going, in the few months I've gone I've lost a lot of weight, toned up and fit, he is having trouble shifting excess weight and is very paranoid about his stomach and arms ... thoughts? I tell him that I love his body and that he's perfect no matter what he looks like. maybe he has confidence issues and doesn't want me to see his body?

Help please!!

Miss Fluff

I certainly wouldn't dream of rekindling anything while you're not having any sex, that just makes no sense at all.

There could be a plethora of reasons why he is not interested. He might be struggling with his sexuality (and this would probably be my first instinct as most hetro 23 year old boys would get up on the fridge given the chance), he may have an issue with his body, he may be depressed, he may taking medication. Who knows. You need to have a mature and adult conversation about this outside of the bedroom and get to the bottom of it.

He may simply have no sex drive and if that's the case then you need to decide whether you are happy to remain in an entirely sexless relationship. If you do you'd be mad to. You're only 22 and what happens in your relationships at this age will potentially shape your attitude and expectations when entering other relationships in future.

In any event, the lack of sex is NOT normal and NOT something to be tolerated or accepted unless there is a genuinely good reason as to why this is happening - or not as the case may be....

Procrastastudy

Honestly TL : DR Properly just caught the begining and end

FWB not wanting sex any more seems to be not really into you territory maybe he is seeing someone else.

The end bit got me though - he may have a thyroid issue if he cant shift weight and has a low sex drive. Trip to the doctor time. Get him to discuss any stupid supplements he might be on at the same time.

curlzy

After reading all this I really think he might just be playing games and winding you up. Maybe it gives him an ego boost to have you rearing to go and withholding on you. If I were you I'd ask him outright, away from the bedroom, what's going on. If he can't give you a reason I'd call it a day, why be a in a sexless relationship at 22? You need to talk to him first though. If it really is stress then have a talk about when that stress might end, if it's something that's long term I'd rethink the whole relationship.

Sleepy

curlzy wrote: »

After reading all this I really think he might just be playing games and winding you up. Maybe it gives him an ego boost to have you rearing to go and withholding on you.

That's pretty warped behaviour and I'd be extremely surprised if it's the case here. Yes, denial of pleasure can be a fun game to play with a partner when the pleasure is given eventually and there are some that really take it to an extreme level but that's not the sort of sex play one gets into without discussing it with their partner in advance.

If I were you I'd ask him outright, away from the bedroom, what's going on. If he can't give you a reason I'd call it a day, why be a in a sexless relationship at 22? You need to talk to him first though. If it really is stress then have a talk about when that stress might end, if it's something that's long term I'd rethink the whole relationship.

This is good advice. Speak to him about it somewhere private at a time when neither of you have any demands on your time. It's not a conversation for the breakfast table when you're on your way to work or for a coffee shop where the girl at the next table can eavesdrop!

beks101

FrustratedGirl wrote: »

he admitted that he didn't want me to think all he wanted from me was sex. He was trying to show that he had feelings for me through other methods, sweet I thought but I was starting to get frustrated.

This stood out for me.

IMO it's extremely unusual for your relationship to have see-sawed so dramatically in the few months you've been together - from sex, sex, sex to nothing at all when the relationship is quite young and you should still be in the honeymoon phase...not normal. There's no evidence that your bf has a low sex drive based on how you started out; that's not to say a libido can't swing from one end to the other - but so soon?

I wonder if maybe he found sex easier with you when it was no-strings, no talking, no committment, no feelings, no relationship? In a way it can fulfill a fantasy that way, it can be thrilling and the mystery of those sex-only liaisons can be exciting, sexy in a way that can change once the nature of the relationship changes.

Also, add that to the fact that he seems to be consciously trying to make you aware of his feelings, make you feel special in non-sexual ways, suggests he maybe doesn't see sex as being an appropriate expression of love and affection as it can of course be.

It sounds far-fetched, but I've come across this before. One of the first relationships I had was with a guy who didn't want to take my virginity because he misconstrued it as being a sign of disrespect, slightly degrading towards the girl he had feelings for.

And then of course there are those other factors you mentioned - the job stress and body issues will contribute in a significant way. But to be honest, I've struggled with those issues for years and it hasn't affected my sex drive...I think there's something deeper going on here.

Talk to your boyfriend. Approach him in a non-accusatory, compassionate way. That's the only way you're going to get any answers.

galaxy1

Hi OP,

Your post really struck a chord with me, could be describing my relationship!

Basically I started off in the exact same situation as you, me and my boyfriend originally started off as FWB and the sex was great. After a few months we had a chat about things and both decided that we wanted more. He said he wanted to take it slow, get to know each other properly which was fine with me We started going out properly and have now been together almost year.

Right from the beginning was when the problems with sex started. At first it didn't bother me because we had alot of sex when we were FWB and it was just nice to get to know each other....however!!!

We ended up not having sex for months and months. I broached the subject a few times and he tried to brush it off but eventually he told me that he felt as though it was "dirty" or "wrong" to have sex with me as I was his girlfriend and it felt disrespectful. He has had this issue in all relationships he has been in and eventually they all break up because of it. He has no problem with going out and having sex with a girl if she doesn't mean anything to him but as soon as feelings come into it he feels like its wrong.

To cut a long story short its something that we are currently trying to deal with....about 2 months ago we had sex for the first time in a long time basically at my insistence! Whether he can get past this problem I don't know. I really hope he can because i love him alot and don't want to be with anyone else but to be honest at this point its really getting to be a deal breaker. Like your boyfriend he is really affectionate, always holding hands, lots of cuddles etc. but I need the intimacy of sex otherwise he may as well just be my friend! I stay over in his house alot or him in mine but we rarely if ever have sex its just cuddling.

Exactly the same as you, I get offers on nights out, i'm not a bad looking girl but i don't want to be with someone else. Everything else about us is right except the sex issue.

Your boyfriend might not have the same issue but just thought I would give my 2 cents!

Taltos

GCDLawstudent infracted for multiple breaches of charter.
No textspeak, no diagnoses but above all else show some respect for the OP and the issue they have asked for help with. If you find a post too long to read properly then please don't post a response.

Taltos

LegacyUser

Yeah sounds like he has issues with his perception of sex tbh.

Seems like he thinks sex is fine with "some girl" when it's no strings attached. But he can't view the woman he's in a relationship with as a sexual being so to speak because it's disrespectful, dirty etc or whatever

Hate to say it be it sounds like he has a bit of a "Madonna-Whore complex" going on.

I think you really need to sit down and have a frank discussion with him and decide if you want to continue in a sexless relationship.

LegacyUser

Had a chat with him there today about it, we just had a quiet chat about it, he said that he doesn't see sex as an important part in a relationship, he feels that showing feelings through cuddles and such is better. I told him that I'm a very sexual person however and I do need to have that intimate touch every so often.

Only early days, but I found out something really interesting, he believe that sex is for procreation and not for fun, it's almost like he sees it as a dirty thing to do instead of just two people having fun and enjoying each other's bodies. His family is very religious if this means anything, his idea of it seem to be quite old fashioned.

He said that since we got together he didn't want to do it as much because he felt he wanted to show affection his favorite ways - cuddles, kisses and nice words, he said that sex does not show true feelings or emotions.

he has had a lot of ONS, but not that many GFs, I almost feel like he's put me on a pedestool and is afraid to take me down and 'dirtying' me no matter how much I wanna get dirty.

Procrastastudy

Hi OP,

Just to say sorry my post was insensitive. If it's any consolation that was not my intent just a character flaw. The reference to your post being too long was meant to reflect on me and not you or your post. Once it was pointed out to me I realised how it did not come across that way, how rude it was and would like to offer an apology. I have now read the charter ref the other infractions but the insensitivity was inexcusable and wrong without even having needed to have read the charter. So again just to offer my sincerest apologies and to wish you all the best in resolving the matter.

Best Regards,
GCDLawstudent

LittleBook

OP_Here wrote: »

Had a chat with him there today about it, we just had a quiet chat about it, he said that he doesn't see sex as an important part in a relationship, he feels that showing feelings through cuddles and such is better. I told him that I'm a very sexual person however and I do need to have that intimate touch every so often.

Only early days, but I found out something really interesting, he believe that sex is for procreation and not for fun, it's almost like he sees it as a dirty thing to do instead of just two people having fun and enjoying each other's bodies. His family is very religious if this means anything, his idea of it seem to be quite old fashioned.

He said that since we got together he didn't want to do it as much because he felt he wanted to show affection his favorite ways - cuddles, kisses and nice words, he said that sex does not show true feelings or emotions.

he has had a lot of ONS, but not that many GFs, I almost feel like he's put me on a pedestool and is afraid to take me down and 'dirtying' me no matter how much I wanna get dirty.

Oh dear, I'm afraid this appears to be the old madonna/whore complex rearing it's ugly head, although I've never seen it happen quite so blatantly over the course of one relationship.

It seems that as long as you guys were FWB he had no problem enjoying sex with you (and other women on ONS) but now that you're in a relationship, he probably sees you as marriage material so, in his eyes, sex is for different reasons now. It's no longer for pleasure, it's for pro-creation.

I'm really not sure what can be done to change this, or if you even want to try. It's clear to me that you have completely different attitudes to sex and I feel that he's brought you into this relationship kinda sorta under false pretences, although he probably isn't even aware of that.

I think a very difficult choice is going to have to be made here OP. Good luck.

Miss Fluff

OP_Here wrote: »

Had a chat with him there today about it, we just had a quiet chat about it, he said that he doesn't see sex as an important part in a relationship, he feels that showing feelings through cuddles and such is better. I told him that I'm a very sexual person however and I do need to have that intimate touch every so often.

Only early days, but I found out something really interesting, he believe that sex is for procreation and not for fun, it's almost like he sees it as a dirty thing to do instead of just two people having fun and enjoying each other's bodies. His family is very religious if this means anything, his idea of it seem to be quite old fashioned.

He said that since we got together he didn't want to do it as much because he felt he wanted to show affection his favorite ways - cuddles, kisses and nice words, he said that sex does not show true feelings or emotions.

he has had a lot of ONS, but not that many GFs, I almost feel like he's put me on a pedestool and is afraid to take me down and 'dirtying' me no matter how much I wanna get dirty.

He is being incredibly selfish and is basically taking a unilateral decision on a sex life that involves both of you. You clearly have entirely different attitudes to sex (with yours being healthy) so I think now you have to make some decisions, the choice being a sexless relationship with this chap or break it off and hopefully find a nice boy who is as interested as you are in having an active and fulfilling sex life. I know which direction I'd be going in!

daisybelle2008

Miss Fluff wrote: »

He is being incredibly selfish and is basically taking a unilateral decision on a sex life that involves both of you. You clearly have entirely different attitudes to sex (with yours being healthy) so I think now you have to make some decisions, the choice being a sexless relationship with this chap or break it off and hopefully find a nice boy who is as interested as you are in having an active and fulfilling sex life. I know which direction I'd be going in!

I don't agree that he is being 'selfish' or is making a unilateral decision to withhold sex from the OP. It is not like it is some kind of orchestrated stance he is making. His view of sex is deeply ingrained.

There are many reasons a person does not want sex with a partner, this kind of whore-madonna complex, is just another one, but it is not something that can be switched off and on at will.

Thankfully he is at least being honest about why he doesn't want sex.
I would move on OP. That kind of social conditioning runs very deep in his personality and is unlikely to change.

Accept you have wildly different views and move on.

Sleepy

A question to ask him OP: if ye're to stay together, how is his sexual appetite going to be sated if he refuses to have sex with you on anything like a regular basis?

Given that ye started out as FWB and he's had one-night stands in the past he clearly has some form of libido.

Does he think it'll be more "respectful" to the mother of his children to sate his sexual appetites outside of that relationship with a mistress or hookers instead of enjoying a healthy sexual relationship with his partner?

Maybe he needs a little help in realising how ridiculous he's being.

daisybelle2008

Sleepy wrote: »

A question to ask him OP: if ye're to stay together, how is his sexual appetite going to be sated if he refuses to have sex with you on anything like a regular basis?

Given that ye started out as FWB and he's had one-night stands in the past he clearly has some form of libido.

Does he think it'll be more "respectful" to the mother of his children to sate his sexual appetites outside of that relationship with a mistress or hookers instead of enjoying a healthy sexual relationship with his partner?

Maybe he needs a little help in realising how ridiculous he's being.

I can see where you are coming from but I don't think it is as simple as him needing a little help pointing that and everything will be sorted.

At 22 years of age it shouldn't be her job to change this guys mental conditioning. If I was the OP I wouldn't waste my time and energy trying to convert his view of sexuality. Could be a very long and frustrating road and you could end up damaging your own self-esteem on the way.

Even a paid professional would have their work cut out, that is even if he wanted to change his view in the first place, which he seems quiet happy with.

Sleepy

I'd agree, it's not her job but she clearly has feelings for him and might want to give it a shot before giving up on him.

beks101

All you can do is tell him that sex is a very important aspect of a relationship for you and that you're not willing to live without it. If that doesn't make him re-consider his views and meet you halfway, then it's time to call it a day I'm afraid.

You're too young to be tied down in a sexless relationship and this kind of out-dated thinking can be very damaging in the longterm. The last thing you need is to develop a complex about sex and start to view it in the same negative way that your bf does.