Feel Horrible

LegacyUser

Hi,
I am due to marry my amazing Fiancé in just over a month! He has been absolutely amazing to me over our 6+ years together.
Recently however, I feel like I have lost that spark for him. So close to a wedding, I feel I should be absolutely crazy about him when I am anything but!! I love his company but I don't feel that spark anymore that feeling where you are absolutely mad about someone.

I don't know what to do. My head is melting and putting me in foul mood. He thinks it's the wedding that's stressing me out. And now I'm thinking if I'm doing the right thing or if I can rekindle that crazy love feeling!?

Any advice? I feel like such a complete bitch!!

girl2

Oh God, how I really feel for you.

The reality is - dont marry the guy under these circumstances. That is the only piece of advice that I can give you.

Even put the wedding back and take some time to think things through properly. Yes, you might lose deposits etc. but better that than the expense and heartache that a divorce will cost.

I really hope it all works out for you OP.

LegacyUser

What do you mean by 'spark' op?

Virgil°

Firstly relax, you aren't a bitch.

You really need to ascertain just what you feel for him. Is it just the whole marriage thing that has you pulling away?

I think most importantly is are you still attracted to him? Do you still want sex from him?

If the answer to this is no(More of a really good friend that you love) then i fear it may be the end for your relationship, I've never seen a relationship recover from this. If you still want a sex life with him then there may yet be hope and a relationship counselling could help work through this.

In the end if you can't see yourself wanting him that way any more then you have to let him go find someone who does. My one piece of advice to you would be get your head around this quickly.
Decent guys, like you fiancee, I imagine, aren't emotional idiots. If you don't fancy him any more then he IS going to notice the inevitable change in your behaviour towards him, seems he has already. He'll probably be torturing himself wondering what's gone wrong.

You're not a bitch, this is unfortunately how many relationships end. I hope it works out for you.

Procrastastudy

It depends what you mean by spark - but love for someone changes over time. Six years is a long time. My personal opinion that the reason so many marriages break down is people don't realise that over the long haul you will go though good times and bad and certian parts of a relationship just change and never go back to the way they were. While it's true some people bonk like rabbits for 50 years its much more common for the sex life to be one of those issues that needs a lot of discussion.

The other issue is that you may just be having the age old problem of cold feet near wedding time. Hit me on the steps of the Church - happily married five years and togeather five before that. There's way too much Hollywood love story BS out there.

There is ofcourse the possability you have just changed and grown apart of course. Its amazing how much people change even during their twenties.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I engaged to my wonderful fiancee too. We're together 6 years and he is hands down the most supportive, kind, romantic and wonderful guy, he's actually renowned among my friends as being the best boyfriend ever. Now don't get me wrong he's human and has his faults but he's fairly close to having a halo

Anyway I just think that you need to slow right down and think very carefully before you do anything because if your guy is anything like my guy then he would be heartbroken if you call it off. Your guy sounds like a good man so please think carefully before you hurt him.

It could be the stress of the wedding that is making you second guess everything. If your query is to do with sex then be aware that goes up and down, I went from once/twice/trice a week to once every 3/4 months when I was in the final year of a part time degree while working full time:eek:. Stress does funny things to a sexdrive I've found.

Really and honestly think very hard about this. I think maybe if you could go away for a little while and examine your feelings that could work? Like if you head off by yourself for a week and see if you miss him? Feelings are such fickle things sometimes it would be a horrible shame if you threw him away only to discover that you actually still love him. Not only horrible for him but horrible for you too as I'm sure you'd hate to hurt him.

I've been on both sides really. I was with a guy for 5 years before my fiancee. I broke up with him when I realised that he felt more like a friend or cousin than my lover, the realisatin came to me when I picked him up from the airport and my only feeling was "oh heya", my heart didn't feel anything when I saw him in arrivals. Breaking up was the best thing I've ever done and 2 months later I met the love of my life (my fiancee:)).

This really is a tough one and only you can answer if he's the one for you. I wish you the best of luck and hope you make the right decision.

Herrick

OP how you do feel about sexually? Do you fancy him like mad or does the thought of having sex with him turn you off or maybe you feel like you could take it or leave it?

When your meeting up with him do you look forward to or dread it?

Miss Fluff

Girl you can't just ignore that inner voice, if it is not right then it is not right and an impending wedding has probably just made you take stock. Do you not fancy him anymore? How is your sexlife? How do you feel about waking up in his arms every morning and falling asleep with him every night for the rest of your days? Because that's the reality and while it's natural to be a little nervous before a wedding it is not natural to have lost the spark. The spark is what differentiates between platonic love and sexual/romantic love after all.

If I were you, I'd take a defined amount of time out to decide what it is you want and then make a decision. Can you take a week off work and go away for a few days? You need to take some time to yourself now as you have some very important decisions you need to make and it's far better you make them now then having to make them retrospectively having put him and everyone else you know through the charade of a wedding day when you're not feeling it.

Hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Spark? wrote: »

What do you mean by 'spark' op?

Hi,
By 'spark' I mean that crazy love feeling where you cannot wait to be with that person again. Not necessarily sex. I am still very attacted to him.

My fiancee is wonderful too. My friends all think he is brilliant and he has been so supportive to me over the years. We spend so much time together and have so much fun together. I actually cannot imagine my life without him.

I'm just not sure why I'm having these stupid feelings now!

I've been on both sides really. I was with a guy for 5 years before my fiancee. I broke up with him when I realised that he felt more like a friend or cousin than my lover, the realisatin came to me when I picked him up from the airport and my only feeling was "oh heya", my heart didn't feel anything when I saw him in arrivals. Breaking up was the best thing I've ever done and 2 months later I met the love of my life

This is what makes me think. If I'm away for a weekend I don't find that I miss him However, I also just realised that if we are not together on train going to work in morning I do miss him!! My head is beginning to melt!

Goldenlady

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spark?
What do you mean by 'spark' op?

Hi,
By 'spark' I mean that crazy love feeling where you cannot wait to be with that person again. Not necessarily sex. I am still very attacted to him.

My fiancee is wonderful too. My friends all think he is brilliant and he has been so supportive to me over the years. We spend so much time together and have so much fun together. I actually cannot imagine my life without him.

I'm just not sure why I'm having these stupid feelings now!


Quote:
I've been on both sides really. I was with a guy for 5 years before my fiancee. I broke up with him when I realised that he felt more like a friend or cousin than my lover, the realisatin came to me when I picked him up from the airport and my only feeling was "oh heya", my heart didn't feel anything when I saw him in arrivals. Breaking up was the best thing I've ever done and 2 months later I met the love of my life
This is what makes me think. If I'm away for a weekend I don't find that I miss him However, I also just realised that if we are not together on train going to work in morning I do miss him!! My head is beginning to melt!

OP I know exactly how you feel. I am with my boyfriend 7 years plus, love him to bits, but just dont have that crazy spark any longer. I know its different as we arent getting married, but I find at times when Im with him, if he annoys me I cant wait to be on my own be it shopping or whatever, but when Im on my own I miss him crazy!!!I often go away with the girls for a week end and they are all ringing their husbands and texting them and then that makes me do it. BUT I do love him, and I couldnt imagine myself with anyone else. Im not sure if that spark lasts forever and it depends on what stresses are surrounding ye, especially in the run up to a marriage!!!
We have stresses at mo with part time college and full time work so sex life taking a tumble, but it only takes one person to rectify the situation!

My suggestion fs talk to him, you will never forgive yourself if you dont do it PRE wedding!

good luck x

P. Breathnach

horribleme wrote: »

... I'm just not sure why I'm having these stupid feelings now! ...

I don't know either, but the best bet is that you are experiencing the sort of doubts that huge numbers of people have shortly before they marry.

The character of a loving relationship changes over time. You can't expect the same spark to be there forever. It seems to me that the spark you have in mind is a bit edgy and exciting; that can evolve into a rounded sense of togetherness that is less edgy, but satisfying in a different way. After six years, it might be that your relationship is moving into a more mature stage.

Imagine that you could cancel the wedding without any complications about financial implications or people's expectations - that it was simply changing an arrangement with your fiancé so that you could go your separate ways. How would you feel?

LegacyUser

Op you say yourself that ye spend a lot of time together so it's hard to miss someone if they are always there. Maybe you need more 'me' time and this need is manifesting itself by you enjoying your free time and subsequently not missing your oh. It doesn't mean you are not compatible or able to have a happy marriage. In fact, sounds like you have a great life.

No one can tell you to marry him or not but on the basis of what you have said here I would put my money on ye having a happy marriage.

I agree with the last poster. OP why don't you try taking off for a few days or so, maybe go away with one of the girls for a relaxing break. It will give you a break from the wedding plans, clear your head, give you a chance to miss him.
If you are constantly in each other's pockets it's no surprise that you wouldn't miss him when you finally get some space.
Go away, clear your head, and have a "date" with him when you get back, go out for dinner or organise something special, and see how things go from there.

davet82

horribleme wrote: »

Hi,
I am still very attacted to him.

My fiancee is wonderful too. My friends all think he is brilliant and he has been so supportive to me over the years. We spend so much time together and have so much fun together. I actually cannot imagine my life without him.

i think you know what you want when you examine what you have said...

why feel like this? - its totally natural, more a blokes thing usually imo, is the grass greener elsewhere, what if it dont work out, why marry if it aint broken ect ect - (not saying these are the reasons, although they could be something along the lines of the issue)

pre marraige jitters, take sometime out with the girls on a weekend like suggested, when ya stumble home drunk to an empty bed two nights on the trot you'll find you probably find you cant wait to get home to him

so relax and enjoy yourself

Procrastastudy

This

horribleme wrote: »

Hi,
By 'spark' I mean that crazy love feeling where you cannot wait to be with that person again. Not necessarily sex. I am still very attacted to him.

naturally becomes this

horribleme wrote: »

My fiancee is wonderful too. My friends all think he is brilliant and he has been so supportive to me over the years. We spend so much time together and have so much fun together. I actually cannot imagine my life without him.

over time.

People who can't be without their partners for a second - have that "just met in love" feeling all the time fall into the classic two categories - liars and bunny boilers.

Tigger99

Woah a very crude and untrue statement in the last sentence of GCD's post!

Op, I have been where you are now. For me it was not that the relationship had naturally become more comfortable and I was mistaking that for no spark, but instead that I had actually fallen out of love with him. I hate that I hurt him by breaking up with him and it was horrible cancelling my wedding, but it was far preferable to the inevitable divorce that would have occured down the line.

Please please do what Bluewolf suggested.

By the way, in the long term it was the best thing for both myself and my ex to split up. He deserved to have someone love him the way he loved me.

Im not saying that you will necessarily decide to break u with your fiance, but know that if you do, while the inital aftermath will be very painful, one can only lead one life, and living it with someone that you have doubts about will break your own heart.

Procrastastudy

Tigger99 wrote: »

Woah a very crude and untrue statement in the last sentence of GCD's post!

It may very well be crude but I honestly believe anyone after a decade with another person - who is still at the "cant be away for a minute" - "cant wait to see them again - they've been gone 83 minutes" stage is either; being deliberately misleading because thats what they want to convince themselves of or what they want to convince others of; or are a bit bonkers. (Come on we've all met one couple like this - married twenty years and never been apart for more than a day. Tell me they're not somewhat off.)

I don't discount the possibility that the OP has fallen out of love with her partner - what I do discount is the possibility that the first stage of a relationship continues indefinitely. The problem is ,of course, how do you know? Well for that I'd probably suggest the same as you tiger take wolf's advice (like a zoo in here).

You have to bear in mind that pre-wedding jitters have a colloquial name (cold feet) for the reason that it happens to so many people.