Sad about little things

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm not sure exactly what to do or where I should start off. I've been in a relationship with a wonderful and loving man for awhile. We love each other dearly and have plans on getting married after I finish my studies.

My father passed away a few weeks ago. My OH has been there to support me physically and emotionally. I absolutely appreciate it and know that I am very lucky to have someone like him. But...some of his concerns worry me. I am devastated that I have lost my father and am still grieving and my OH has brought up his fear of me changing after this, not being good enough for me and me deserving someone better. I love him so much and could never even think about being with someone else. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I tell him that and want him to know that...but feel I can not convey it enough...

We are "arguing/discussing" relationship matters under the current circumstance and although I want to reassure him that I won't change and that I'll always be his same lovable partner, I can not help but feel a bit sad at the same time that we are discussing this instead of trying to overcome the grief from my father's death.

Please give me advice on what to do...I just don't know what to say or do anymore. I don't want to argue about little things because we know we love each other and are committed. I just want us to be happy and feel secure...

Thank you.

Herrick

Maybe he had an ex that broke up with him after a death of someone close in the past? Or it happened to someone else he knows?

Or maybe he feels that he isn't able to comfort and console you enough over your dads death and feels a failure?

It's really hard to know OP, I think you will just have to ask what makes him think you will change because of this.

Miss Fluff

I'm so sorry about the passing of your Dad, it must be so hard.

I find this very strange with your OH. Why does he think you will change and that the dynamic of the relationship you will change? I personally think he is bang out of order sewing seeds like this into your poor head in the wake of such a tragic bereavement so I'd be asking him to explain in black and white what the hell is going on in his head.

I am a friend

I would think (voice of experience here) that you are more pre-occupied (naturally) with people other than him at the moment and he feels a bit vulnerable here.

It's nothing to worry about. Just reassure him and then tell him you don't want to talk about it every 5 minutes. I know sadly that people who have not experienced loss project their fears / feelings onto you when you have lost someone. It's tiresome but that's part of the package when you are bereaved....

Sorry for your loss. Rip.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies.

I'm sorry..I think I may have portrayed him in the wrong light. He is a gentle soul, very kind and caring gentleman. He traveled to my country (about a 7 hour plane ride) and took many days off of work to come and support me. He is one in a million.

He's never had an ex that had someone close to them die nor does he know of anyone who has dealt with that. He doesn't need reassurance that often, it's only been a few times before and after my dad passed. He has told me that he is there for me if I ever need to grieve and has encouraged me to grieve.

What I have been afraid of is that since he once mentioned that I may become a different person, I have been afraid of becoming different (perhaps more hardy) to him because of my father's death and so therefore, I have not properly grieved in front of him. I don't know how to and I feel that I would only burden him and don't want to upset him. I've just shown my happy side with him...because I am genuinely happy but I've been putting up a front...trying to be strong about my dad's death but having awful break downs when I'm alone. I've grown up in a family where I've been told that crying is a sign of weakness.

I want to be really strong and function well but right now, I know I'm emotionally unstable and say mean things that I regret...like him not being supportive. I really regret that and I hate myself for saying it...because he'll never forget it. I just keep adding on more pain to the wound...I'm trying to control myself and it's proven to be difficult.

I actually believe that I am being the unreasonable one because he is trying his best and I can't seem to make wrongs right. I feel I'm a total wreck...that everything I do is a disaster and all I want to do is keep him happy. I don't want to ruin our relationship but at the same time, I know I need to grieve. Just because I'm emotional though doesn't make it right to be insensitive.

I am a friend

Give bereavement counselling a go. Sounds like he is only asking these questions because you are pushing him away. Stop it. You will lose him if you keep it up.

Everybody grieves differently but I think the bereavement counselling will definitely help you. Good luck.