Just found out my ex got married...

LegacyUser

A few years ago I had a boyfriend who I was absolutely insane about. I was crazy about him from the minute I met him. We got together but he had ongoing issues from his childhood, and we basically brought out the worst in each other. The fights were awful. We broke up on horrible terms and never spoke again, save for the odd horrible under-the-breath comments at parties.
To this day though, I've never felt the same about anyone. This guy was a grade A postgrad, he has so much drive and is a genius with a great career ahead of him. I find all that incredibly respectable, not to mention how sexy he was. My current boyfriend, while lovely, is unemployed and has little ambition besides travel and hopefully getting a job. The lack of ambition is a big deal for me, but he has so many other lovely attributes and we get on much better than any other guy I was with. Obviously I compare him to my exes and this is where he wouldn't match up to this ex.
For some reason tonight I kept thinking about my ex and was rooting around FB when I found a picture of him and what I previously knew was his gf. Lo and behold, her surname is now his and her profile pic is the wedding day. I don't even know how I feel. He's always been my One that Got Away despite everything and to this day it would pain me to speak to him again. I guess I'm wearing rose tinted glasses because it such a painful relationship and he really didnt give a crap when we broke up but he just had this drive and ambition that my current boyfriend will never. I'm trying to think with my head and think of the many many things my current boyfriend has that this guy never did but I don't know what to do. I don't want to get stuck in a rut of passing over every guy just because he doesnt have every single attribute I want- the perfect guy does not exist and I don't want to keep passing up good guys looking for someone perfect.

BraziliaNZ

whereeveryouwillgo wrote: »

A few years ago I had a boyfriend who I was absolutely insane about. I was crazy about him from the minute I met him. We got together but he had ongoing issues from his childhood, and we basically brought out the worst in each other. The fights were awful. We broke up on horrible terms and never spoke again, save for the odd horrible under-the-breath comments at parties.
To this day though, I've never felt the same about anyone. This guy was a grade A postgrad, he has so much drive and is a genius with a great career ahead of him. I find all that incredibly respectable, not to mention how sexy he was. My current boyfriend, while lovely, is unemployed and has little ambition besides travel and hopefully getting a job. The lack of ambition is a big deal for me, but he has so many other lovely attributes and we get on much better than any other guy I was with. Obviously I compare him to my exes and this is where he wouldn't match up to this ex.
For some reason tonight I kept thinking about my ex and was rooting around FB when I found a picture of him and what I previously knew was his gf. Lo and behold, her surname is now his and her profile pic is the wedding day. I don't even know how I feel. He's always been my One that Got Away despite everything and to this day it would pain me to speak to him again. I guess I'm wearing rose tinted glasses because it such a painful relationship and he really didnt give a crap when we broke up but he just had this drive and ambition that my current boyfriend will never. I'm trying to think with my head and think of the many many things my current boyfriend has that this guy never did but I don't know what to do. I don't want to get stuck in a rut of passing over every guy just because he doesnt have every single attribute I want- the perfect guy does not exist and I don't want to keep passing up good guys looking for someone perfect.

So what do you want us to say? You don't seem really happy with the current bf. Why not dump him and try being on your own for a while and forgetting about finding the perfect guy? Try enjoying your life a little. Relationships aren't the be all and end all of existence. Fill whatever void you have inside you with something else.

sammye333

I agree with the previous poster. You need to have a chat with your current BF.

If you had such a terrible relationship with your x why do you care about him. Could it be, because he finished with you? You said that the fights were terrible? sounds like you got away from a bad relationship.

Nobody likes been dumped and i'm sure the fact he didnt give a "crap" about you when it ended, hurt you a great deal.

Hope all works out for you.

sammy

Torakx

Yeah i kind of agree with the above posts.
I dont know about dumping your current BF and i dont know wether the current Bf is just more accepting of your flaws than the last or just that the last bf had alot of problems.

I think alot of people view marriage as equaling happyness.Or this idea seems to be portrayed like that in the media.
I dont subscribe to this idea.It could well be the pictures in the moment are nice,but behind the scenes could well be misery a year down the line.
I try not to judge a book by its cover for this reason.

Best thing you can do i think, is maybe see a counselor if you are unsure about your boyfriend and yourself in the relationship.
This gives you time to figure out what you want while still keeping your current relationship safe.

Otherwise you could end up dumping your current BF who for all I know is a star and end up regretting that too because of something as simple as lack of communication or some crossed wires while trying to communicate to him these issues.

BraziliaNZ

I really don't know how you could be sure of any relationship if you seem to unsure of yourself. Take a break from men for a while is my opinion. A year or 2 or 3. Learn to live on your own, you sound needy.

LegacyUser

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I really don't know how you could be sure of any relationship if you seem to unsure of yourself. Take a break from men for a while is my opinion. A year or 2 or 3. Learn to live on your own, you sound needy.

I actually was single for 2 years before I met my current BF because I wanted to wait til I met someone really great and not just be with someone mediocre for the sake of it.
I'm beginning to wonder if I am mistaking love for just drama. It was very firey- screaming at each other one minute and cuddling the next. There were times with the ex where we broke up and I was almost trying to get him back just because, the more impossible it seemed to have him, and the more destroyed the relationship seemed, the more attractive he appeared. I guess I liked the challenge and felt that, if I could get him back after this latest fight, he must really like me.
My current bf is wonderful to me. Like I say, he isn't perfect, but I know that the perfect man does not exist- I could go out with someone who has more drive than he has, or a really amazing career, but they might be a cheater/liar/etc/various other problems that my BF doesn't have (the ex got very nasty when he was drunk, for example). The ex had so many issues and I got stuck in a cycle of trying to "fix" him. Maybe I am mistaking a stable happy relationship like I have now, with a boring one. Maybe I am subconsciously equating drama with love? About the marriage part, I somehow feel like he has "won". Let alone comparing myself with her and wondering what she has that I didn't, etc.

aidan24326

whereveryouwillgo wrote: »

I actually was single for 2 years before I met my current BF because I wanted to wait til I met someone really great and not just be with someone mediocre for the sake of it.
I'm beginning to wonder if I am mistaking love for just drama. It was very firey- screaming at each other one minute and cuddling the next. There were times with the ex where we broke up and I was almost trying to get him back just because, the more impossible it seemed to have him, and the more destroyed the relationship seemed, the more attractive he appeared. I guess I liked the challenge and felt that, if I could get him back after this latest fight, he must really like me.
My current bf is wonderful to me. Like I say, he isn't perfect, but I know that the perfect man does not exist- I could go out with someone who has more drive than he has, or a really amazing career, but they might be a cheater/liar/etc/various other problems that my BF doesn't have (the ex got very nasty when he was drunk, for example). The ex had so many issues and I got stuck in a cycle of trying to "fix" him. Maybe I am mistaking a stable happy relationship like I have now, with a boring one. Maybe I am subconsciously equating drama with love? About the marriage part, I somehow feel like he has "won". Let alone comparing myself with her and wondering what she has that I didn't, etc.

If the ex was very nasty when drunk (never a good sign), you had massive fights, and had a turbulent relationship, then who cares what career he had? Why would that matter? A bollox is a bollox whether he's a doctor or a postman, it makes no difference.

You seem to have some fcuked up idea that you have to be with a guy who's fiercely ambitious and has a great job, but would it not be a better idea to find a guy who'll treat you well, love and respect you, be loyal and honest and genuine and always there for you when you need him, regardless of what he does for a living? And I appreciate that no girl wants to be with a useless layabout, but you need to get your priorities straight.

LegacyUser

whereveryouwillgo wrote: »

I somehow feel like he has "won". Let alone comparing myself with her and wondering what she has that I didn't, etc.

ITS OVER OP and if you can't move on then maybe you should go to counselling. Comparing every guy you meet or your current bf to your ex is not good for a relationship. Why oh why do people look their exes up on Facebook? It just leads to endless crap.. whats in the past should stay in the past. I'm sure he is not wasting his energy thinking about you right now. Your relationship with him sounds nuts tbh. Wondering what she has that you haven't why are you even thinking about this ??? It was a relationship that was littered with problems and sounds awful and your'e calling him the one that got away!!!

Beruthiel

whereveryouwillgo wrote: »

It was very firey- screaming at each other one minute and cuddling the next.

There were times with the ex where we broke up and I was almost trying to get him back just because, the more impossible it seemed to have him, and the more destroyed the relationship seemed

I guess I liked the challenge and felt that, if I could get him back after this latest fight, he must really like me.

That is one twisted, unhealthy way to view a relationship and I would suggest you need to talk to a professional in order to work out why it is you consider that kind of behaviour acceptable.

Torakx

I had a girlfriend who used to try spark these types of firey situations.She would try to make me jealous,or make drama out of me being too chilled out about everything.
Ive been through hell, so regular issues dont affect me so much.

Its like if i wasnt angry at her now and again she would feel something was wrong and that i didnt care..even if i was affectionate.
I put it down to her abusive father,which i hear is common in her culture(turkish decent).

It may be the need for these types of dynamics in a relationship, is rooted in low self esteem and a need to feel wanted.

Maybe your current boyfriend is actually very happy with you and so does not complain.He may not even see any issues and could be oblivious to your fears.
With the girl i spoke about i was fairly content to let her have her moments as long as she gave me some peace,but eventually it became clear it was going to be reccurrent and i had to leave then.

Also anothe rfactor might be your Bf is feeling very depressed and wallowing in it a bit.
If he used to work for a number of years and then had to go on the dole,i know myself it was very hard to do and it take a massive tole on self esteem and motivation.

LegacyUser

OP again. My bf is with me as we speak and I'm so sad. He just doesn't make me as deleriously happy just from being around me, that my ex did. Are all "healthy" relationships like this? The shine wears off within a couple of months? I've only ever had turbulent relationships before now

My bf keeps asking me what's the matter and I can't tell him.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I felt compelled to reply to your OP because your relationship with your ex sounds almost identical to a relationship in my mid-20s. The guy I was going out with had huge drive and now has a very successful career and I was never so attracted to someone in all my life. But we fought constantly. Same kind of stuff....screaming one minute then hugging the next. It was draining and destructive...but I was incredibly attracted to him. I look back now as a woman with a bit more sense in her early 30s and realise I didn't love him at all and if I'm very honest with myself, I lot of me disliked the guy and resented him for having that kind of hold on me (although he didn't do anything really wrong). I think the drama was addcitive as it seemed passionate at the time plus the sex was unbelievable. I think it was simply a case of lust and it was doomed to end all the way through. He finally ended it and we still send a yearly email to catch up but I feel nothing for him now and thank my lucky stars he had the guts to end it. He really did us bth a favour. At the time my heart was "broken" but really, I see now I was suffering from withdrawals from an addiction.

At the time my self-esteem was low and I'd met almost straight after another long-term relationship which I ended. I was in no fit state to get involved with someone. He was a nice guy underneath it all but together we were truly disasterous.

I'm with someone now who I love and respect and am attracted to. A much healthier set up and I'm happier in my own head too, which is vital. I know the ex has a girlfriend too and I couldn't be happier for him.

OP you weren't in love, you were addicted to this guy and you need to give yourself more time to go cold turkey. You're not being fair on the current guy. I'd be raging if I knew my boyfriend felt this way about an ex. You can't carry on this way.

LegacyUser

My current bf knows that something is up... he keeps asking me what's wrong. I wish I could fall for him the same way as the ex, but we have really bad problems with our sex life (we don't really have one because he has erectile dysfunction, the doctor says all he can do is prescribe Viagra which is too expensive). Due to the problems with our sex life I have been feeling more and more detached from him over time, it really really gets me down and I feel permanently rejected and not good enough, especially as he had a great sex life with his ex.
I feel like I have such a massive weight on my shoulders.

floorpie

Of course he knows that something's going on. I'd be surprised if he didn't know exactly what was going on.

Everything that you've said is completely right, you're conflating love with drama, and drama with passion. I've been on both sides of this same story, and it's been such a harrowing ordeal to be in your current boyfriend's position (even only for a short time), that i could only advise you to be open with him, maybe try counseling, maybe take a break, maybe break up.

Because as Torakx says (that was such a spot-on post), what invariably happens, in the situations that i've been in at least, is that the girl goads and prods to try and make the good relationship like the bad one. So exactly like Torakx, i've had girlfriends who've made big deals about me being relaxed, or, effectively, not abusing them after they did certain things. And that's *not* a nice position to be in for a partner. You eventually learn, as the partner in these situations, that negative actions create positive results. It's sad, but i can guarantee that if your current boyfriend stood up, said "f*ck this, i'm sick of all your issues with your ex so ye can piss off", you'd be all over him. It's not a pleasant thing to realise, when you're in that situation, and it's not something which is sustainable without a lot of heartache.

If you preferred an abusive, dysfunctional relationship, to a stable happy one, you have low self esteem, and it needs to be worked on. Your past relationship probably wasn't what you think - call it Stockholm Syndrome or something. And also, of course your current relationship isn't going to shine when you have the mindset that you now have.

Miss Fluff

I echo the above. You need to sort your own head out and get yourself together before even thinking of entering another relationship. And you seem to compromise on what you perceive as important in a partner which to my mind is ridiculous. Sure, be flexible but why do you continually "make do"? Are you that desperate? Take some time out and work on your own self-esteem.

P. Breathnach

I am very reluctant to diagnose self-esteem issues in others unless I know them well, and I don't know OP at all.

There is one thing I am willing to conclude: she does not esteem her current boyfriend sufficiently. That is something that needs to be addressed - perhaps by letting him go.

floorpie

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I am very reluctant to diagnose self-esteem issues in others unless I know them well, and I don't know OP at all.

True enough, but at the same time, no secure person would put up with an abusive relationship for a second.

The Corinthian

whereveryouwillgo wrote: »

I'm beginning to wonder if I am mistaking love for just drama. It was very firey- screaming at each other one minute and cuddling the next. There were times with the ex where we broke up and I was almost trying to get him back just because, the more impossible it seemed to have him, and the more destroyed the relationship seemed, the more attractive he appeared. I guess I liked the challenge and felt that, if I could get him back after this latest fight, he must really like me.

Some people do seek dramatic relationships, that ultimately are not good for them, or the other person. However, one thing you said in your first post struck me:

whereeveryouwillgo wrote: »

To this day though, I've never felt the same about anyone. This guy was a grade A postgrad, he has so much drive and is a genius with a great career ahead of him. I find all that incredibly respectable, not to mention how sexy he was. My current boyfriend, while lovely, is unemployed and has little ambition besides travel and hopefully getting a job. The lack of ambition is a big deal for me, but he has so many other lovely attributes and we get on much better than any other guy I was with. Obviously I compare him to my exes and this is where he wouldn't match up to this ex.

That you followed that you've "never felt the same about anyone" with a comparison of their career/financial prospects was telling, as it appeared to be the first thing that came to your mind that differentiates them - the drama came later.

So ask yourself, if your present BF was a 'high flier' how would you feel about him? If he was essentially a grade A postgrad, full of drive and a genius with a great career ahead of him, like your ex, would you feel more positively about him. Or if your current relationship were prone to the same drama as your last one, would this change you're views about him?

I ask, because perhaps it is the former, perhaps it is the latter or perhaps a combination of the two factors that make the difference.

LegacyUser

Been there done that bought the t-shirt wrote: »

At the time my self-esteem was low and I'd met almost straight after another long-term relationship which I ended. I was in no fit state to get involved with someone. He was a nice guy underneath it all but together we were truly disasterous.

Funny enough I was only a few months out of a pretty turbulent long term relationship when I met this guy. He wasn't in a great frame of mind either to say the least- he cried on our second date about his parent's divorce and said he didn't trust anyone. He'd never had a gf before me and pushed for us to spend days on end together after only 2 dates before withdrawing saying he'd rushed things. After we broke up I heard that he was pretty desperate looking for a new gf straightaway, and from what I can tell, meeting and marrying the wife was all within a year or so. He had this desperation to have a successful relationship.

The Corinthian wrote: »

So ask yourself, if your present BF was a 'high flier' how would you feel about him? If he was essentially a grade A postgrad, full of drive and a genius with a great career ahead of him, like your ex, would you feel more positively about him. Or if your current relationship were prone to the same drama as your last one, would this change you're views about him?

If my current bf had a successful career then yeah I would be a lot more attracted to him. The sad thing is if we broke up and I thought I couldn't get him back he'd probably seem a lot more attractive too. I've been progressively less attracted to him as the relationship has progressed- when we met, he was someone I'd liked from afar for some time but never thought I would ever even speak to (we met at the gym).

P. Breathnach

whereveryouwillgo wrote: »

... If my current bf had a successful career then yeah I would be a lot more attracted to him. The sad thing is if we broke up and I thought I couldn't get him back he'd probably seem a lot more attractive too....

You can say that and you have doubts about what you should do?

Give the guy his release papers.

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

You can say that and you have doubts about what you should do?

Give the guy his release papers.

That's all well and good until I inevitably realise I've made a mistake (which I genuinely will have- we have a much better relationship than I've had with anyone else) and want him back, the damage will be done by then. Plus, the drama will only make me want more drama... I'm trying to go cold turkey on that stuff.

The Corinthian

whereveryouwillgo wrote: »

If my current bf had a successful career then yeah I would be a lot more attracted to him. The sad thing is if we broke up and I thought I couldn't get him back he'd probably seem a lot more attractive too. I've been progressively less attracted to him as the relationship has progressed- when we met, he was someone I'd liked from afar for some time but never thought I would ever even speak to (we met at the gym).

Sorry, but there's no solution for you in the near future. If you stay with your current bf, you're not going to be happy. If you break up and you can no longer have him, you're not going to be happy.

The problem, I'm sure you've guessed, is with you. You want what you cannot have and lose interest in what you have, to begin with. This means that you are caught in a catch 22 scenario whereby you will be unhappy or unfulfilled either way.

Secondly, your preoccupation with the material aspects of the man you're with, did raise an eyebrow. It's perfectly normal for anyone, of any gender, to be attracted more to someone with drive and ambition; but for you it seems prioritized to the point of being a deal breaker if he's not and that's when you'll find a few here will be muttering golddigger, even if they don't post it.

If I were to put my finger on it, you are probably (or hopefully) still quite young - under 25 - and a lot of this is down to immaturity. Your attitudes will most likely change over time, but unfortunately this will not help you in the immediate future, which is inevitably going to be marked by a repeated cycle of such relationships, until you change enough that they can become sufficiently stable in the longer term.

floorpie

I'd be very surprised if her boyfriend being more successful would make a difference to her attraction level. It's common before breakups for people to come up with all sorts of reasons as to why the partnership isn't suitable, and focus on those reasons, even if they're nonsensical or contrary to previous ways of thinking. The job's irrelevant, if he was the CEO of some company suddenly the reason would be "he's too busy and too focussed on work"...it's just an understandable way to explain a breakup to herself and others which doesn't include nebulous and personal concepts such as attraction and drama. Although the lack of any sex life surely isn't pleasant.

I'm sure it comes down to her equating someone akin to abuse with love. A person acting rationally wont feel that the more destroyed a relationship is, the more attractive the guy is, as said above. As she also said, if the current guy told her to flip off, she'd be more attracted. The guy could be verbally abusive, as in the case of the ex, and she'd be more attracted. He could probably slowly segue into physical abusive and be in a better standing than his current position.

Just to clarify though, if you're not attracted to your current boyfriend, there's nothing wrong with that at all. It's just important to be attracted to healthy individuals and situations, and to have a healthy mindset throughout.

I'd say to take a break and focus on yourself, and i'd strongly suggest counseling (based on experience of previous girlfriends who had similar mindsets and whom counseling helped), if only because those previous turbulent relationships will have taken a toll that you haven't resolved.

The Corinthian

floorpie wrote: »

I'd be very surprised if her boyfriend being more successful would make a difference to her attraction level.

That's what she said, if you care to read back on her last post.

P. Breathnach

whereveryouwillgo wrote: »

That's all well and good until I inevitably realise I've made a mistake (which I genuinely will have- we have a much better relationship than I've had with anyone else) and want him back, the damage will be done by then. Plus, the drama will only make me want more drama... I'm trying to go cold turkey on that stuff.

Do bear in mind that this is not solely about you. What's good for him in this situation?

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Do bear in mind that this is not solely about you. What's good for him in this situation?

Well, I am a good girlfriend to him. I know it doesn't seem like it from this thread, but I say (and mean) nice things to him, get him surprises I know he'll love, cuddle him lots, etc. I have tried very hard to not fall into my old habits of starting drama (subconsciously or not). I haven't mentioned that, with the ex, we originally first scored when drunk, but on our first date (which he initiated) when I went to kiss him he pulled away, and even though he msged me the next morning to apologise and ask for another date, it really hurt, so I think from then on I was constantly testing him to see if he did really like me, especially given that I couldn't believe someone who I perceived as so attractive could be interested in me in the first place (low self esteem as a few of you have mentioned )

With the current bf, obviously there's this stuff going on in the background but he doesn't know about it and I think breaking up with him because of it would hurt him more than me keeping it quiet for a while until (hopefully) I sort my head out. At the age of 25, this is the first normal, stable relationship I've ever had, all others were just cycles of breaking up and making up, and I'm trying really hard to keep this one- I literally do not know how to deal with him being so easy to get along with. It's actually a massive thing for me to deal with, gauging how much he likes me by how we get along normally, as opposed to trying to gauge it by treating him like a boomerang and seeing how many times he comes back.

I know I sound like a lunatic, but I really want to learn how to have a solid happy relationship and kick the old vicious cycle once and for all. I would hate to spend the rest of my life alone because I've fought and fought with every guy I was with and eventually only cop on when it's too late. It took me 2 years to meet a guy as nice as him. I already lost 1 relationship because of this ex (ie the relationship with him!) and would hate to lose another. Not that it matters, but if he found out I was still hurting over him years later, he'd laugh. I'd hate to give him that satisfaction so that alone is pushing me to just get over this. I'm trying to accept that some people are just not meant to be together no matter how much they try.

vetinari

whereveryouwillgo wrote: »

but we have really bad problems with our sex life (we don't really have one because he has erectile dysfunction, the doctor says all he can do is prescribe Viagra which is too expensive). Due to the problems with our sex life I have been feeling more and more detached from him over time, it really really gets me down and I feel permanently rejected and not good enough, especially as he had a great sex life with his ex.
I feel like I have such a massive weight on my shoulders.

Um, am I missing something here? No offence OP, but I'd bet any amount of money that this is the current root of your problems. The feelings towards your ex seems like a cover story. Unfortunately I don't have any great advice on how you can improve your sex life. At least be aware that this is probably the main reason why you started thinking of your ex. Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship, without it you're just friends.

LegacyUser

vetinari wrote: »

Um, am I missing something here? No offence OP, but I'd bet any amount of money that this is the current root of your problems. The feelings towards your ex seems like a cover story. Unfortunately I don't have any great advice on how you can improve your sex life. At least be aware that this is probably the main reason why you started thinking of your ex. Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship, without it you're just friends.

I actually ended up in tears the past few days about the sex problems But we managed to do it a couple of times since and I feel a bit better now, as does he. You are right that I start thinking about the ex when all is not rosy with the current bf.

Maybe I'm over-analysing my feelings for my current bf too much.... the shine is bound to start wearing off after the first couple of months right? I just want that deep love to set in, the love I feel for my friends and family, but I guess it comes over time and a few ups and downs.

LegacyUser

Good god,
To try and remember what a dick this guy used to be when I was with him, I did some memory-jogging and remembered I used to post about him on another forum while we were together. I managed to find all my old posts and saw how much excellent advice I got that I just ignored. I made excuse after excuse for this guy.
It was definitely an eye-opener! I'd forgotten about half the crap he used to do. Reading it all brought back to me how much of the relationship I spent in tears- I'm embarrassed. And yet back I went, every time, like a lapdog. All those old feelings of upset came back to me, and how desperately I tried to make it work (me, not him, although I was not perfect).

I think the overall problems remain that the reason I'm thinking of him now is because I'm comparing him and his relationship to my current bf and our relationship. I guess I will have to decide if I want to continue with my current bf and hope love grows, or if I want to leave him and see if I can find someone who I am as crazy about as the ex (but without the crazy behaviour ).