Should I go to my brothers wedding?

blogger123

My only brother is getting married soon and we have always gotten on quite well. A couple of months ago he told me that I wouldn't be his best man and then he never asked me to even be a groomsman, but instead chose his fiances brother and 2 friends and I wasn't too happy, to say the least, but I kept my mouth shut.

Today a relative of mine let slip that he was on his stags abroad with his friends and he never bothered to invite me and my parents never even told me either.

Do you think I should confront him about this or even go to the wedding?

All advice greatly appreciated.

xflyer

Not being best man is neither here nor there. The best man is most often a good or best friend. But not being invited to the stag is puzzling. What I would do is to casually ask him when the stag is on. Give him a chance to explain himself. Put the ball in his court as it were. He owes you that. If you go at him shouting the odds threatening not to turn up at the wedding you can be made out as the bad guy. Same with refusing to go. You don't want to be seen as the problem in this. Let him do the talking. Play it cool. There is a reason for it.


Someone has already suggested that his fiancee might be behind it. Do you get on with her? Or is she the dominant figure?


Really this isn't worth a big falling out with your brother. But you are owed an explanation. In the end the reason for it may be really silly and he'll realise he's made a fool of himself. People do really silly things sometimes without any real malice.

LegacyUser

Do you guys get on?

Are you like friends?

I can't imagine not inviting my brothers on my stag and vice versa. I'd ask a friend to be my best man though

As for Groomsman, well, saves you having to do any work on the day.

Just ask him why you weren't invited - could be any number of reasons but if it was with his mates, well, maybe he just wanted to get away with some friends and then have another stag back home for everyone else.

zxcvbnm1

xflyer wrote: »

Not being best man is neither here nor there. The best man is most often a good or best friend. But not being invited to the stag is puzzling. What I would do is to casually ask him when the stag is on. Give him a chance to explain himself. Put the ball in his court as it were. He owes you that. If you go at him shouting the odds threatening not to turn up at the wedding you can be made out as the bad guy. Same with refusing to go. You don't want to be seen as the problem in this. Let him do the talking. Play it cool. There is a reason for it.


Someone has already suggested that his fiancee might be behind it. Do you get on with her? Or is she the dominant figure?


Really this isn't worth a big falling out with your brother. But you are owed an explanation. In the end the reason for it may be really silly and he'll realise he's made a fool of himself. People do really silly things sometimes without any real malice.

It is strange I must say in not being invited to the stag. I would definitely raise that one with him. I can imagine it must be quite disappointing.

ScumLord

Probably best to bring it up before hand, if you do go to the wedding and you have some drink on you it may well come out and end up being a big row. Unless that's the preferred option at this time.

xper

OP, I think you'll get better answers on this forum alright. You could go along with the AH mob and create a scene at the wedding or whatever, be it planned or alcohol-inspired but this would be a potentially irreversible mistake. This is not Eastenders. This is real life. This is your family, your only family. At a wedding, its your whole family. I'm sure you don't want to be forever remembered as the eejit that ruined the wedding and your relationship with your brother would be permanenty damaged.

But this is not what you want. You say you thouhgt you have always got on, so I am assuming that you want to continue to get on or, indeed, get on better. To you, the wedding is of lesser importance here. Its _their_ wedding. What's important here is your future relationship with your brother. Stay calm, take the high ground here. Don't confront your brother, talk to him, preferably sooner rather than later. Ask him if there is a problem. Ask him did he even realise that not asking you to be in the wedding party (not every brother is best man but usually has some role) AND left out of the stag was hurtful and was this due to thoughtlessness/oversight, outside pressure (her) or some issue he has with you. If he can't/won't give an explanation there and then (you'll have known the conversation was coming but he may not have been ready), tell him he can talk to you another time. Don't draw any lines in the sand. If its not resolved there and then and he gives the impression there is some sort of issue, ask him does he want you at the wedding. If not, then say okay, you'd like to be there to see your brother get married but you won't go if thats's what he wants and you'll fix this another day. If he does want you to go, even if its for family sake or whatever, then go. Be his brother, be there for him. That's all you can do right now from your side. If you act as the loving sibling then he'll realise it sooner or later. It could take 30 seconds or 30 years but hopefully it'll be nearer the first.

blogger123

xflyer wrote: »

Someone has already suggested that his fiancee might be behind it. Do you get on with her? Or is she the dominant figure?

She wouldn't be my favourite person but we have never had any arguments and we are always civil and get on wen i do see her, but as i have said before she defo wears the trousers in the relationship

blogger123

fabot wrote: »

Do you guys get on?

Are you like friends?

I can't imagine not inviting my brothers on my stag and vice versa. I'd ask a friend to be my best man though
.

Ye we did get on great before he moved out, havent seen much of him since then.But i would have thought that our relationship would have still been the same even though he's moved out yano.

as for the the bestman thing, the part im annoyed abt with that is that he didnt even choose his best friend he picked someone who wasnt even that close with

blogger123

ScumLord wrote: »

Probably best to bring it up before hand, if you do go to the wedding and you have some drink on you it may well come out and end up being a big row. Unless that's the preferred option at this time.

haha but ye ur right i defo dont want that to happen and make a fool of myself

blogger123

xper wrote: »

Don't confront your brother, talk to him, preferably sooner rather than later. Ask him if there is a problem. Ask him did he even realise that not asking you to be in the wedding party (not every brother is best man but usually has some role) AND left out of the stag was hurtful and was this due to thoughtlessness/oversight, outside pressure (her) or some issue he has with you. If he can't/won't give an explanation there and then (you'll have known the conversation was coming but he may not have been ready), tell him he can talk to you another time. Don't draw any lines in the sand. If its not resolved there and then and he gives the impression there is some sort of issue, ask him does he want you at the wedding. If not, then say okay, you'd like to be there to see your brother get married but you won't go if thats's what he wants and you'll fix this another day. If he does want you to go, even if its for family sake or whatever, then go. Be his brother, be there for him. That's all you can do right now from your side. If you act as the loving sibling then he'll realise it sooner or later. It could take 30 seconds or 30 years but hopefully it'll be nearer the first.

To be honest with you I sometimes feel like the black sheep as i am always the last to hear about things, if i am told at all. Im also upset with my parents about this for not even telling me about my own brothers stag party, like I was invited to two stag parties (relatives of my gf) and my own brother doesnt have the courtesy to invite his only brother. I don't know what is wrong with him or my parents for that matter.

hoodwinked

to be honest it could be totally innocent, my partner is having three stags (ish)


he has two best friends since childhood who are joint best men, in his case they are organizing a 'stag' abroad for just the three of them as he is the first to get married and its like a new tradition thing they are going to do for each of them,


they are then organizing a local (cost effective) stag that everyone can attend here and another just for his family.


is it possible they didn't want to burden you with expense, and you are going ot a local one being organised you havent heard about yet?


as for the best man thing, that is reserved for friends usually. i think he should have asked you if you wanted to be groomsman, my partner asked his brother but his brother said he'd rather be free to do his own thing then be tied into wedding pictures/duties for the day, now he can stand in when he wants and go do whatever he wants.

allibastor

hey OP.

that is a bit ****ty to be honest from your brother. he should have invited you. as said before just ask him what is up, you will know pretty quickly if he is only full of excuses or if he has a real reason. have the same problem with my bro, my parents expect me to invite him to everything i do, but then he does his own thing and i never hear from him.

if it is a case that he has picked people for his wedding party that are more known to the bride then you know she is pulling the strings there and maybe she had the problem. are you know for doing anything mad on nights out or anything that would make her not want you there. i do know of guys who are never invited anywhere cause they always make trouble when they go out, even by their friends.

just speak with him as soon as possible and ask him what is up. if he cant give you an honest answer just tell him you will speak after the wedding as you dont want any hurt feelings to crop up during it.

LegacyUser

Maybe the bride is being bridezilla about the wedding and she picked who was doing what.

Maybe your brothers mates organised the stage and just didn't think to include you. You say you get on well with your brother but do you spend time out with him and his mates socially. How big an age gap are we talking about between you? It sounds like your still living at home so it may be that his mates just didn't think you old enough to bring along on an overseas stag party.

I'd go check with your brother before making a big issue of something that might just have been an oversight on his part or something he had no say in.

jimmycrackcorm

I'd go to the wedding but I wouldn't buy a present. If anything was said about that I'd simply say that I was offended about not getting invited to the stag but felt obliged to have to go to the wedding. Point made.

girl2

You know.....it's a tough one. I had a brother got married (well half-brother and that's probably where it all went wrong) last June and I make wedding cakes and the likes - not for a living mind, but as a hobby. And theyre pretty good.

So anyway.....I think pretty much everyone was thinking I was doing the cake, all the neighbours friends, etc. and then my da happened to ask his wife one day about the cake - turn's out my bro's Mrs's aunt is doing the cake. OK, so fuk them in one sense and then relief in the other sense, cos I couldnt be half bothered doing the cake anyway.

Then.....the next thing I know......my sister texts me, shes away off to Dublin for the weekend for the hen do. Along with my other brother's girlfriend. Well I was totally gobsmacked. And very very hurt. And it's not that I even wouldve went, it was the principle of the thing.

Anyway, cut a long story short. I went to the wedding (after a whole lot of debating with myself and my da, and lots of tears on my part I have to say). But I went. Only because then after everything I was asked to say a reading (I called it an afterthought bidding prayer) and I gave them a generous gift of money.

I was very very offended. And still am very much offended. But I've got over it. (however I did get drunk and say it to my sister and her boyfriend, cos his ma actually got me to do his sister's wedding cake for them - but I just couldnt hold my tongue when the drink was in). Anyway. I can only give you it all from my point of view.

I went and did have a great day and lots of people would have wondered why I wasnt there had I not have went. But even to this day I feel very aggrieved by the whole thing to be honest.

Why dont you say it to him? Get it off your chest. In the nicest possible way.

Balmed Out

blogger123 wrote: »

My only brother is getting married soon and we have always gotten on quite well. A couple of months ago he told me that I wouldn't be his best man and then he never asked me to even be a groomsman, but instead chose his fiances brother and 2 friends and I wasn't too happy, to say the least, but I kept my mouth shut.

Today a relative of mine let slip that he was on his stags abroad with his friends and he never bothered to invite me and my parents never even told me either.

Do you think I should confront him about this or even go to the wedding?

All advice greatly appreciated.

WOW.

Im gonna go against the grain here and say that if my brother was the type to expect to be best man / groomsman and then feel put out by not being chosen I really wouldnt want him at my stag.
Grow up, its his wedding not yours. Not going because of perceived slights?????, thats pulling a temper tantrum and looking for pity and attention on a day that your brother and his fiance have only (hopefully) once in their life and have spent a small fortune on.

For your own enjoyment of the day, ask your brother about the stag but theres a million reasons he might not have asked you. Money. didnt think yould like / want to go, though you might cause trouble with others on it, thought you might be made fun of, didnt want the best man getting stories from you, didnt want stories of the stag leaking home etc etc etc

Im not saying its right that he didnt ask you but its his stag not yours.

LegacyUser

juat ask your brother...and do it in a "by the way..." sort of way. Don't go in with all guns blazing or you could just make things worse.

There could be a very reasonable explaination as to why you weren't invited. A friend of mine wasn't invited to his brothers stag and when he inquired as to the reason he was told that the groom knew that the brother wouldn't have wanted to join in with some of the "activities" that the stag party had planned. And the groom was right. When my friend found out what they'd been up to on the stag, he was delighted that he hadn't been invited!

Just ask but don't make a big deal about it and definitely don't avoid the wedding over it

Procrastastudy

Go you nutter and keep your gob shut. Bring it up after the wedding. If you don't go and it turns out to be something stupid you'll regret it - as hopefully (although statisticly speaking unlikely) this will be his only wedding.

If it turns out to be something major - going to the wedding shows you're the bigger man and willing to try and work things out.

Either way you get a free meal and a shot at a bridesmaid or two.

Starokan

im guessing you and your brother do not really socialise with each other in general, have a chat with your brother, its possible he didn't really view it as a stag at all just another weekend away with the lads he always socialises with. Why don't you call or text him and ask him if he fancies a few drinks with you before the wedding. I'm sure he would be delighted.

Definitely go to the wedding, its not worth falling out over. It is possible that he is under pressure to include her family in the wedding party. He is not considering your feelings on this so i can understand why its upsetting for you, its possible he is very comfortable with you and thinks you would not mind. Go to wedding and few months after perhaps have a chat with him see where you stand.

Torakx

m kind of suprised at alot of the comments.
Its like people feel they are entitled to be priority on their familie members special days.

Stag night maybe a little strange unless some of his best mates dont get along with you.
I dont see my family that often and certainly dont hang out with them, we all have our own friends.
If my bro was gettign married the only thing that could make me think twice was not being invited to the wedding fullstop.

Its about your brother and his future wife and what they wish for their weddings and night out before.
When you have your wedding you can decide if you want him at your stag.Until then i would just say be very happy he is happy and give him whatever makes him happy.
Dont take it as something about you when it is all actually about him and his future wife.

I understand you might be hurt.But im sure if he wanted to hurt you he would not invite you to the wedding at all or just send you a nasty email.

blatantrereg

Of course you would be better to go to the wedding. You would be quite likely to regret not going. You won't regret going.