How to get over a FWB situation ending disastrously

LegacyUser

Started sleeping with my friend a couple of months ago, finally got the courage to tell him last night that I am starting to like him as more than a friend. He made it clear he feels nothing for me emotionally and that we will never be more than friends. He phrased it as "I don't want to ruin our friendship", but I'm not an idiot, I know that just means "I'm just not that into you."

Trying to maintain the friendship (we are co-workers and good friends, well up to now anyway), I let him come into town with me this morning after we left his house, as we both had errands/shopping to do. We ended up in a pub and had a drink; I asked all the questions I didn't want to hear the answers to and am now feeling incredibly low. He's not from this country and has extremely high standards about what he expects looks-wise in a potential girlfriend- all his exes have been extremely small, skinny, Mediterranean-types. I'm not a bad looking girl but I'm Irish ffs! And just don't compare.

Anyway he told me, after much pushing from my part, that he thinks all the clothes I wear are horrible, I don't make the most of my looks, and he knew it was never going to be more than sex because there was no initial attraction on his side. Deep down I knew these things already but kept pushing the issue because I suppose I needed to hear it to move on for once and for all. Still though, I just feel hideous and like a massive idiot. My confidence levels are usually pretty high but I think this would hit anyone hard. I want to be with a guy who can't keep his hands off me, not someone who has to be drunk to want to sleep with me, so it's good it came out now before it went any further.

I just feel miserable and wanted to let it out here. I don't think I've ever had my looks picked apart in such a way before. I knew he felt this way, but it comes back to the age-old question- how do you make yourself not care about how others think about the way you look??

I know it sounds completely at odds with what I've just written, but he is a good friend other than this. People might say I never should have slept with him but I still don't regret it despite everything. You regret what you don't do more than what you do and all that. We hang out together all the time (both new to the country) and have a good laugh, have much in common etc.

I just feel lost and depressed. FWB never works. How do I get past this? Sorry for the length.

beks101

feelingsad wrote: »

Anyway he told me, after much pushing from my part, that he thinks all the clothes I wear are horrible, I don't make the most of my looks, and he knew it was never going to be more than sex because there was no initial attraction on his side.

What an absolute fucktard. And who the hell is he, Brad Pitt? It doesn't matter how good looking he is, this guy possesses an arrogance and complete lack of compassion and charm that shows he is rotten to the core. Unfortunately for him when it comes from the inside it tends to be incurable.

I'm so sorry that you had to hear this at all, let alone from someone you've been sleeping with and someone you've considered a good friend.

First off, let's be clear about this. He is not your friend. Friends don't belittle each other and insult each other to the point where they make each other feel like they're about 2 inches tall, period. That's a job strictly reserved for enemies and those toxic people best avoided in your life. Furthermore, friends don't do this after a foray of sleeping together - and on top of that, knowing that the other has feelings for them. It doesn't matter that you 'pushed' him - he thought these things, about someone who is supposed to be a mate, slept with you anyway and didn't care enough about you to avoid hurting you by saying them to your face.

Friends offer each other support, constructive advice when it's needed and treat each other with love and compassion and empathy. This man is not your friend.

I'm really angry on your behalf and I know you must be hurting something horrible. I know his type - an arrogant aRsehole who uses his boyish good looks to excuse all kinds of vitriol and nastiness directed towards the opposite sex, then plays it off as 'I'm just being honest'.

I really think you need to completely cut contact with this man, as being around him is never likely to make you feel good about yourself, ever again. I know it's a different ball-game when feelings are thrown into the mix - but in order to exercise self-respect here, you need to be strong and remove all trace of him from your life. You deserve better than some crumbs of attention off a drunk, horny man-boy who just happens to be good-looking but doesn't give a shit who you are as long as he gets his hole. Friend or not, someone he fancies or not - it doesn't matter, you'll do for a quick shag. You are better than this and you know it.

In terms of how terrible you feel: this will pass soon. In my experience, you do hold onto those things for a while, but the reality of the situation hits home fairly swiftly and that helps with the low self-confidence - the realisation of the kind of character you got involved with, will become more and more apparent the more distance you put between the two of you. Start now, start right this second. Delete him from facebook and delete his number. Be civil and polite to him at work, but keep a clear, firm emotional distance from him. He strikes me as the kind of guy who'll see that as a challenge and notch up the attention: stay firm, keep your distance. Be unavailable for drinks, for a catch up, for any interaction with him at all times and don't respond to any emails, texts, messages etc. You owe him nothing, not an iota of explanation, after the way he treated you.

The best of luck. If you do this, you'll gain some perspective on the whole situation and feel better soon, I promise. And what's more, you'll never make that mistake again x

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

What a horrible story, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

As someone who had something similar happen to me recently, being torn to shreds by someone I loved and made to feel completely unworthy, I empathise. This guy is not and never was, a friend, I'm sorry to say. If he was, he wouldn't have slept with you and pissed all over your feelings.

You wouldn't tolerate such treatment from say, a female friend, who tore you to shreds, so why from him? Cut all contact, as hard as it may be. Yes, you have hung out and have things in common, there are plenty of people out there who will treat you with respect. Look on it as an opportunity to make some new friends.

I would also wonder if he has such a specific type and high standards, then why isn't he with one of these Mediterranean beauties that he describes? Suggests to me that he's not all that. He obviously got some kick out of putting you down and probably does that to all his women. Cut the loser loose.

You're right not to regret it, as you'll have become wiser from the whole thing and will recognise such loser type characteristics. You also know that friends with benefits is not for you and you know what you want.

Chin up

IrishEyes19

my god OP, I'm so sorry. First of all. please do not continue to be friends with this guy. no one speaks to anyone like that, insults or hurts their feelings. AND NO ONE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL BAD!!!! Seriously, I know your head is all over the place right now. I was in a similiar situation before, now I didnt receive the awful insults you got from this guy but at the end of the "relationship" he said some things that I could never forgive. and I wont. you have to do the same here. you are not what he said you are and how dare he!!

secondly, you are Irish, not that it matters, but dont put yourself down and compare yourself to others. it wont solve anything and his disgusting words are a reflection on his own personality and not on how you look. Please understand that.

he is not a friend. friends dont do that. end it, and drop contact. its painful at first but in the long run, its worth it. trust me. If you go back, OP, its just like pulling the plaster of a would that hasnt healed, it stings. and you dont want that.

lastly Im sorry that you liked him and he didn't return the feelings, it hurts. But thank your lucky stars, Ive learnt the same lesson OP, that you cant continously make excuses for people who dont treat you the way you want to be. you should be at least 90% happy or pull the plug. why settle for less. No one, not a friend or aquaintance should ever speak like that you. Please drop him. best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

Its not the same, but something similar. OP - I met a guy a few months ago, and he told me he had extremely high standards.

Im Irish too. Nothing wrong with me. Id be considered quite attractive. But straight away him telling me this, I started to believe that I wasnt up to HIS standard - it wasnt anything he did or said, but I actually self imploded (the "am not good enough"-give someone enough rope and they will hang themselves). He actually saw me for a while (all the time Im thinking am I meeting his standards?) and then when I wouldnt sleep with him, and some of it was from fear of him seeing me naked "what if he thinks am unattractive", he dropped me like a hot snot. This standards thing does damage. But they dont care.

I would never ever ever go out or see someone again who tells me that they have particular "standards" or what is in their eyes standards. I realised that I dont have to meet anyones standards as long as I am happy with myself. These guys have big egos, filled with hot air, but are deep down, very insecure with themselves.

loughallenlass

What a complete tosser!!!
He sounds like he's so far up his behind he's brushing his teeth!! Forget about him...completely! He had no right to tear you to shreds like that ultimately knocking yourself confidence to below zero! You don't treat *friends* in that manner...it's despicable to say the least..have dignity and move on darling..your worth so much more than that.

tbh

This exact same thing happened to me back in the day. Girl from America, I was her first, started developing feelings for her, she told me in no uncertain terms the type of guy she was into, lets just say it wasnt me. I was gutted. We stopped seeing each other, I started going out with an amazing girl Im still friends with, her guy cheated on her. I genuinely cant remember her last name.

Its his loss.

Defiler Of The Coffin

feelingsad wrote: »

Anyway he told me, after much pushing from my part, that he thinks all the clothes I wear are horrible, I don't make the most of my looks, and he knew it was never going to be more than sex because there was no initial attraction on his side. Deep down I knew these things already but kept pushing the issue because I suppose I needed to hear it to move on for once and for all. Still though, I just feel hideous and like a massive idiot

feelingsad wrote: »

I know it sounds completely at odds with what I've just written, but he is a good friend other than this.

The first quote nullifies the second I'm afraid. Friends don't treat people the way you were treated.

I am a friend

OP you are obviously not cut out for fwb set ups. I personally think they are icky and that aside, that one party always has the upper hand. He had in this case. When one has the upper hand in a sexual relationship, it generally means that respect can be lacking and double standards apply. What I am saying here is that he spoke to you like that because he didn't respect you as you were willing to be his fwb. It doesn't matter he was willing to be yours and the obvious double standard - he spoke like this because he felt he could...

He is not a nice guy and you deserve better. Don't waste any more time in 'relationships' like this or with guys like him. Good luck.

lazygal

He's a tosser.

From my experience, you can't stay friends with an ex. I had a similar situation going on some years ago and it ended terribly, I still regret not just cutting him out of my life and moving on. He's not a friend, in even the loosest sense of the word. The only way to move on is to cut him out of your life and don't look back.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. That is a horrible thing for anyone to do on another person. It happened to me about a year ago now. I thought I was in a loving relationship and he started to verbally abuse me. Saying similar things you are hearing now and stuff like 'you need lazer surgery on your face'. Eventually, I cut myself completely from him and changed my number so he couldnt contact me again. The healing time was the hardest and very long for me because I became really self conscious and paranoid about my appearance. I thought I had a friend that I could trust and love and that they would be the last person to hurt me.
I hated myself and how I looked. It was very destructive time for nearly a year as I wollowed in it. Believe me time does heal and I dont think of myself in that negative way anymore. Try not to take his negativity on board they are his issues. It usually comes down to their own insecurities and them lashing out beacuse they are not getting their own way anymore. If verbally abusing someone is there way of making themselves feel better they are not worth the hassel.
Take time to heal but try focus on poistive things and try not to carry the negativity with you. Leave it with him. Start taking care of yourself and spoil yourself a lil. Hope this helps

Chucky the tree

Don't see why the guy is getting such a hard time, if you don't wan the honest answer to a question and can't handle it then don't ask it. It's obvious the guy didn't want to be a dick, if he did he wouldn't have needed to be pushed however maybe he felt that he simply couldn't lie either.

Chucky the tree

sunflower27 wrote: »

He is getting a 'tough time' because there was no need for him to slate the girl he has been happily sleeping with.

Debatable really, you can it slating I call it honesty. It's not like he just came out with it mid-coversation.

sunflower27 wrote: »

I have seen quite a few of your posts on here and I wonder if you deliberately choose to go against the grain?

Anyway, that is irrelevant, what this guy did was callous and not necessary. Why not just say I don't see us working out?

no, I just don't agree with mob mentality view point. He already told her it wasn't working out, she didn't accept that answer though and kept pushing him - what's he meant to do? Lie? ignore her?

sunflower27 wrote: »

Why say something to someone that you know is going to hurt their feelings and make them feel bad about themselves? Why was that necessary?

He sounds like a really shallow and nasty person and I really hope OP you wise up and cut him out of your life. As said by others, this guy is not your friend.

He really sounds horrendous

Sometimes in life you have to be cruel to be kind. If she kept pushing him(like she said she did) maybe he realised that the girl needed to be told the brutal honestly to help her get over it and being a friend he knew that in the long-term being honest was the best thing he could do. Either he is honest or else he lies and tries to peddle the "oh It's not you it's me" type of bull**** which just makes it even more difficult for her.

I think everyone agrees that him being honest is what the girl needed to hear the most and generally friends try and do what is best for their friends. I genuinely think if the guy wasn't her friend he'd have just palmed her off with some buull**** that would have just made it more difficult for her in the long run. I also think if the guy really was a nasty piece of work he wouldn't have needed to be pushed into it and would have gladly taken the opportunity straight away.

thefeatheredcat

feelingsad wrote: »

Anyway he told me, after much pushing from my part, that he thinks all the clothes I wear are horrible, I don't make the most of my looks, and he knew it was never going to be more than sex because there was no initial attraction on his side.

It is worth bearing in mind that if you were to make the most of your looks, as he said, and change your outer appearance in the way that he wants/normally desires, you'll only be creating an illusion of what he wants rather than being an outer reflection of your inner self. One guy from my past told me before that he would like me better if I cut my hair shorter, dyed it dark brown and got highlights (and thus look like clones of the exs that dumped him) and wear diffferent clothes, yet the intelligent, fun and adventurous person he knew me to be wasn't enough for him to respect me and like me for who and what I am. Ditched his friendship years later as a result of having put downs from him over many things including my appearance.

feelingsad wrote: »

but it comes back to the age-old question- how do you make yourself not care about how others think about the way you look??

Well what matters is how comfortable you are with your looks. Change of your looks should only be on your own terms, for positive reasons and not because of how someone makes you feel about yourself or has you doubting your appearance. If you are happy and comfortable with how you look, then that is what matters and if not, then you should only change for yourself to enhance and not to "fix" something you perceive as a negative because someone put you down over it.

I think you can only not care what others think when you realise it is just an opinion yet the weight of the opinion should never be more than your own opinion of yourself and your attributes and personality.

The song "Unpretty" by TLC popped into my head while reading this thread a while ago. Might be a good positive reinforcement to you.

Sleepy

You asked the questions, pushed for answers and got them. Nothing you can do about that and I wouldn't agree with the posters claiming the guy's a tosser for being honest.

Note that he didn't in any sense say you were ugly: he said that you don't "make the most of [your] looks". To me that tells me he wants someone who grooming is more important to: not someone prettier / in better shape. Could it be that this is how you feel about yourself and you're projecting that self-image onto his actual words? If so, it's not about learning to ignore what other people think: it's about being happy with yourself. That either means changing what it is you dislike about yourself (gym, eating/grooming habits etc) or learning to live with yourself as you are.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks for all your kind words, it really really helps. Even Sleepy, who makes valid points. I asked for the answers, I got them. I suppose the reason I kept pushing was because I couldn't, and still can't, understand why someone would have sex with someone they weren't physically attracted to. Although he didn't say those exact words, I don't know what else I'm supposed to take from the conversation! For me, I grew to be attracted to him as the months went on, as it's the whole package that does it for me. I suppose some men are just different, and any girl will do for sex??

By the way I do take pride in my appearance! Always have nice hair, makeup, what I consider nice clothes etc. I think I'm just really not his type; I don't think it's to do with my level of grooming per se.

All my friends now think he's a monster of course. We had our first day back in work today. To say it was awkward would be an understatement! I have difficulty believing anyone is truly malicious though. I think he's just clueless, has stupidly high standards maybe due to his own insecurity, and said everything arseways. He was very sad/remorseful in work today though and I'm trying to get past it. I still really want to punch him though! Luckily any attraction I had to him is rapidly fading after a shock like this!

Is it naive to think we can still have some sort of friendship, albeit a less close one maybe? I still feel hurt but nothing compared to Saturday. I just don't want to feel like he's thinking "she looks horrible" every time we go out! He did say it was my style and I wouldn't be me or feel comfortable in myself if I changed... urgh just a messed up situation. Thanks again for your replies

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

If I were you, I'd cut him out. Heartbreak can be a fickle beast, one minute you think you're fine and over someone, next minute you're not. I've deluded myself in the past thinking I could still be friends with an ex who hurt me. I couldn't and if anything, it set me back a lot in the recovery process.

If you remain friends with him, you'll be privy to his life, if he starts going out with someone, etc. Quit while you're ahead. As Sunflower said, remain civil but leave it at that. Trust me

Distorted

Echoing everyone who says he is not your friend. He is a user and I suspect he would use you whatever type of relationship you had with him. Most decent people are careful not to become users, and most people will be try to be kind when rejecting people, or ignore them, or if pushed, keep their cruel remarks to the most brief. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I think he sounds quite a toxic person and one who could seriously mess you up and damage your self-esteem. He certainly doesn't sound like a person worth being friends with. I think you should develop a coping strategy for seeing him every day at work, forget about the friends thing (which is just giving him a handle back into your life), and get angry - in this respect, I think it might be cathartic to make a list of his various faults. Whether you keep this list private or make it known to him is up to you...

He sounds really up himself. This reminds me of a guy I dated at uni, who constantly complained about the fact that I wasn't a busty, tall woman. 10 years later he tried to get in touch and I met his wife, who was small, mousy and had thinning hair - I'm sure she was a lovely person, she'd need to be to put up with such a self-obsessed twat!

fungun

feelingsad wrote: »

I suppose the reason I kept pushing was because I couldn't, and still can't, understand why someone would have sex with someone they weren't physically attracted to. Although he didn't say those exact words, I don't know what else I'm supposed to take from the conversation! For me, I grew to be attracted to him as the months went on, as it's the whole package that does it for me.

so you cant understand it, yet you did it?

its often (not always) women with low self confidence that enter FWB scenarios. If you knew him, is it possible you knew what his honest answer would be, and you pushed him to be that brutally honest? Almost sounds like you wanted to emotionally self-harm, could that be true?

If I were you Id steer clear, and steer clear of any FWB reln for now. Best of luck.

Wompa1

No offense here OP but it does sound like you were pushing to know why and he told you the honest truth. I don't know if it's some common misconception or just one you made yourself but guys will sleep with girls they aren't overly attracted to. Don't take this too harshly but there's a saying in the lad male bravado BS world...any port in a storm, hole is hole etc. etc. Guys tend to be less picky about looks because women tend to be the gate keepers.

He sold you on a FWB situation and that's fine. But the deal is, it doesn't go further...it's a stupid idea anyway because one person always spoils it by growing feelings and then the other person is the monster. But it's a learning experience, you'll know for again. Also beware the work situation. Don't sh!t where you eat....that can get very messy. At least you can take what you've learned and that can be a positive out of all of this.

Also I've noticed twice the whole notion that Irish girls pale in comparison to other girls...I'd put it this way. I'm a short pasty white Irish guy with a quazi American accent. I have a lot of quirks that would put some girls off. A lot of girls want tall, dark and handsome. I wouldn't take that to mean I'm ugly or completely undesirable. I'm just not a fit for that girl. Irish girls have their admirers I'm sure and I'm sure if you have a strong personality it doesn't matter what the hell you look like anyway! Just keep moving in life and don't worry about it!

Memnoch

OP

Just because he was honest about his OPINION does not make his opinion gospel or fact. Attraction is a strange old thing and everyone has their own quirks, likes, dislikes.

I went through college with quite low self-esteem regarding my looks. Yet I managed to end up with an absolutely stunning girl who also happens to be an incredibly wonderful person.

The irony... she's always maintained that she thought I was the good looking one and that she thought I was the catch. I'm sure there were plenty of girls around who thought I wasn't that good looking.

The point I'm trying to make here is don't let one person's opinion of you make you feel that you are not beautiful or attractive. You obviously are otherwise he wouldn't have slept with you in the first place regardless of what he says.

You are worth more and I'm sure you will find someone who appreciates you and your looks. I agree with everyone on here. There are plenty of ways of being honest and breaking up with someone/making it clear you are no longer interested in them without destroying their self-esteem. He was absolutely out of line as far as I'm concerned.

Even if you were pushing, which is totally understandable given that you had your feelings in the mix, if he was a friend the responsibility was on him to let you down firmly but also gently.

I know it will be difficult now, but have faith in yourself and don't sell yourself short in any way because of what this idiot has done. I'm sure you are a very beautiful woman both inside and out.

Mollieollie

This guy is a DOUCHE. Just tell yourself I won't let this idiot who cares nothing for me define my brain and ultimately my happiness. Don't give him any power over you. To hear that he cut you down like that is repulsive and so mean. You know what they say--karma's a bitch!

Ickle Magoo

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