He told me he slept with another woman several times

loughallenlass

Please advise as i'm totally confused.

Saturday night in the middle of a heart to heart my partner of 6 years told me he had slept with his ex while he was with me.

Our life history is too long to explain but i had a few doubts earlier on in the relationship but this has blown my world apart. She haunted us for about the first 2 years of our relationship (now i know why!) even when i was 6 months pregnant she was texting him and ringing him in the middle of the night saying she needed him. i don't blame her now as he obviously was sending her mixed messages but as for us i don't know what to do. We have a child together and he quite willingly took over a father role for my other child, so there's more than my feelings to consider in this mess.

I'm financially independent and never relied on him in that sense so this isn't a worry for me...........i'm just so confused....all advice welcome.

Daisy M

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I dont know what advice to give you but I am wondering why your partner choose to tell you about this now. It sounds as if a lot of time has passed, is he feeling guilty or is this his way of trying to get out of the relationship with you?

loughallenlass

I was so shocked i didn't ask any questions only to tell him get the hell out of my sight...I honestly believe he told me out of guilt. He had ample opportunity to disclose this to me. I wish i knew before we set up home together..........

loughallenlass

If I discussed this with my friends or family at this moment in time their advice would be to move on. (hence the reason i'm here!)

I haven't spoken to him since but i feel i need to know the when, where and why.....maybe i could make a more informed decision then??? or not????

Daisy M

I think you do need to speak to him before you make any firm decision. While it is great to have family and friends to confide in this is your life and is a decision that you alone can make. How long into the relationship did he continue seeing this woman?

ihsb

Only you can know if you can forgive and forget.

If you decide you want to carry on trying with him you want to make sure that every time you argue about something else, every time you have one drink too many then this will not be brought up.

Personally, I couldn't get over it. He has played you. He has played her. He has given her false hope. She has messed around with a couple and you have been left to decide whether or not he is worth it.

He probably liked to feel wanted and needed by two women and he got in so deep that he has hurt both of you. I wouldn't feed his ego any more.

You seem to have family and friends around you to support you and your child. It will be difficult because he will always be in your life but I am sure you will get through it.

Many people will say don't ask the details. But I personally need to know all the details so the wondering doesn't eat me up.

I hope it works out OP

loughallenlass

Daisy M wrote: »

I think you do need to speak to him before you make any firm decision. While it is great to have family and friends to confide in this is your life and is a decision that you alone can make. How long into the relationship did he continue seeing this woman?

I don't know daisy......we haven't spoken as such since he told me but does it make any difference really. Once is a mistake but "a couple of times" (his words not mine) is hard to forgive. And I agree with you in regards to family and friends advice. Theirs will be bias albeit well intended.

i feel like such a fool!

Daisy M

You should not be beating yourself up you did not do anything wrong. No matter how unsure he was about your relationship or the one he had with his ex he treated you both unfairly by sleeping with both of you in the same time frame. Personally I dont think I would be able to forgive but I would want all the facts. Do you think it would make a difference if he had only been with her in the initial stages of your relationship? I agree with sunflower it would be great to have someone to confide in but you need to choose wisely, you dont want someone else clouding your judgement or holding it against him if you do decide to try again. I would def want his reasons for choosing to tell you now as I would be concerned he had more to hide.

loughallenlass

sunflower27 wrote: »

The problem with asking for all the facts and details is that you don't know if you will get them or some watered down, drip-feed-type scenario.

He could be thinking 'well, she knows now, no need to tell her everything that went on, she knows the worst bit(s)'.

I don't know if personally I could deal with this on my own - I think I'd have to tell a friend I trusted, but we are all different.

Can I ask what brought about the confession? Did he just blurt it out?

We were just talking about our relationship and how much it meant to both of us, what we had been through together and then suddenly it was kinda like a car crash....we were there before i knew it and he blurted this revelation out! Perhaps in his naivety he believed it was the right time to tell me...why i don't know. Guilt finally took over I do believe.

loughallenlass

Daisy M wrote: »

You should not be beating yourself up you did not do anything wrong. No matter how unsure he was about your relationship or the one he had with his ex he treated you both unfairly by sleeping with both of you in the same time frame. Personally I dont think I would be able to forgive but I would want all the facts. Do you think it would make a difference if he had only been with her in the initial stages of your relationship? I agree with sunflower it would be great to have someone to confide in but you need to choose wisely, you dont want someone else clouding your judgement or holding it against him if you do decide to try again. I would def want his reasons for choosing to tell you now as I would be concerned he had more to hide.

I did question myself onto what would happen if this had only happened in the initial stage of the relationship but I don't believe it makes any difference now. He completely berated the other woman and painted her as an absolute b***t when clearly she was as innocent as me. He was having his cake and eating it too...
And i wouldn't be surprised if he had more to hide!

P. Breathnach

loughallenlass wrote: »

... He completely berated the other woman and painted her as an absolute b***t when clearly she was as innocent as me....

Don't read anything into this question other than exploring the issues: was she an innocent party? Did she know that you and he were in a relationship when she was, as you put it, haunting you?

Taltos

OP - look this is just rotten for you, no other way of looking at it.

My normal response is to just run. However, if this is not something you really want and considering you both have a child maybe you both need to consider couples counselling?

No matter what you decide can I suggest that you don't rush into a decision one way or another and don't let anyone push you for a decision - either him or your friends/family. Take however long you need to really take this in and to decide what it is you want to do.

hondasam

loughallenlass wrote: »

I don't know daisy......we haven't spoken as such since he told me but does it make any difference really. Once is a mistake but "a couple of times" (his words not mine) is hard to forgive. And I agree with you in regards to family and friends advice. Theirs will be bias albeit well intended.

i feel like such a fool!

Don't feel like a fool it's not your fault.
It's hard to know what to do until you get all the facts, when and how often it happened, don't ask for the details unless you are able to cope with the facts.
He obviously told you because he was guilty and wanted to be honest with you and I know it's a little late for honesty but hurting some one you love with the truth is never easy.
Don't tell anyone because once other people get involved it makes it harder to make your own choices without people telling ''you he will do it again'' once a cheater always a cheater etc. Only you can know if he is sorry and if he is committed to you.

Lorrs33

hondasam wrote: »

Don't feel like a fool it's not your fault.
It's hard to know what to do until you get all the facts, when and how often it happened, don't ask for the details unless you are able to cope with the facts.
He obviously told you because he was guilty and wanted to be honest with you and I know it's a little late for honesty but hurting some one you love with the truth is never easy.
Don't tell anyone because once other people get involved it makes it harder to make your own choices without people telling ''you he will do it again'' once a cheater always a cheater etc. Only you can know if he is sorry and if he is committed to you.

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Don't read anything into this question other than exploring the issues: was she an innocent party? Did she know that you and he were in a relationship when she was, as you put it, haunting you?

I agree with these posts. First of all, getting advice from friends and family isn't always good idea because, like hondasam said, they'll only tell you what you should do and eventually you will listen rather than trusting your own judgement, believe me I've done that.

Second of all, don't think the other woman was an innocent party until you have all the facts. Although the idea that she would call him during the night, while you were pregnant, doesn't suggest to me that she was a victim here. She knew his circumstances and chose to ignore them.

LegacyUser

Lorrs33 wrote: »

Second of all, don't think the other woman was an innocent party until you have all the facts. Although the idea that she would call him during the night, while you were pregnant, doesn't suggest to me that she was a victim here. She knew his circumstances and chose to ignore them.

In fairness, there is no point in focusing on whether or not the other woman was aware of the circumstances. This other woman is not the one in a relationship with the OP. The responsibility lies with the OPs partner. He made the decision to cheat. This other woman didn't make him do it.

All too often we see women on here blaming the other woman when their partner cheats. Doing this removes the responsibility from the one who betrayed their partner's trust. It is so easy to blame the other woman instead of facing the harsh reality that the person you love and care for has betrayed you in such a horrible way. I would advise the OP to remove the part this other woman played and to focus on the person who was supposed to be loyal to her.

OP, I would agree with those who have said you need to talk to your partner and you need to hear all the facts of the situation. Only then will you be able to make a decision.

OldNotWIse

I Don't think I am qualified to give advice but I will pass on what was said to me by a close friend in a similar situ (I found out my gf had slept with someone else after we started seeing each other, it was (apparently) a one night, drunken mistake and she swore it would never happen again) I was in turmoil as I did not want to leave her, but felt disgusted every time I thought about her with someone else. A very good friend sat me down and said, "You have two choices - you can forgive what happened and move forward with your relationship, or you can leave - there is no middle ground. Staying in the relationship and remembering and re-living the experience over and over will drive you demented and most likely tear the relationship apart in the end anyway". Hope it works out for you OP

loughallenlass

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Don't read anything into this question other than exploring the issues: was she an innocent party? Did she know that you and he were in a relationship when she was, as you put it, haunting you?

She knew we were together but i don't know what lies he told her either

The Lovely Muffin

I'm probably not qualified to give advice as I've never been in this situation and don't have any kids, but if my partner told me he had slept with anyone, regardless of whether they were an ex or not, I personally wouldn't be able to forgive them, even if we had children together.

Good luck OP, I hope it all works out for you and your children.

P. Breathnach

loughallenlass wrote: »

She knew we were together but i don't know what lies he told her either

If she knew you were together, I think you were mistaken in saying "clearly she was as innocent as me". Does that matter? I think it does, because it tells us something about how you now see things: you see your partner as being entirely to blame for what happened.

I'm not going to say that you are wrong, because I don't know. But I invite you to consider other ways of seeing things. It's not one theory, just a setting-out of some possibilities.

First, it looks as if she was trying to win him back (it's hard, on the basis of what you have told us, to think otherwise).

Second, he might be too much of a nice guy, and not have been tough enough or hard enough to reject all communications from her (you know him: you can judge if that is a reasonable suggestion).

Third, men sometimes accept the opportunities for sex when it is offered, even if they are in a relationship with somebody else. I'm not saying that's a defence for what he did, because I agree that he was wrong. What I am getting at is that he might not have invested as much in sex with her as you might think.

Fourth, it might have been the situation that in those early days of your relationship that his commitment to you was not yet complete. Yes, I recognise that if you move in together exclusivity is part of the deal, but maybe he was late in arriving at full commitment.

Fifth, I wonder why he told you. The only reason I can imagine is that he feels guilt, and would like to deal with it. If he had said nothing, would the past have been different?

squonk

Hi OP. While I sympathise with your plight, the first thought that struck me was 'What's your problem?'.

You already say that he's a good, devoted father and you were having a heart to heart after all. It sounds like your relationship is on a good footing right now and he's settled very much into it, or at least that's certainly the way it was until Saturday.

OK, perhaps he shouldn't have told you but I'd look at it from the point of view that he's not been sleeping with anybody else bar yourself for the past four years. I don't know what your early relationship was like but perhaps he had some trouble letting go of the ex but, let's face it, he got the chance to get some and took it. At least he feels guilty about it now and he's telling you about this as well, which meant he felt he could.

The bottom line is this; don't have heart to hearts with him if you can't handle what you might be told. You've a right to be pissed off but instead of reacting constructively like sending him to coventry for a short period of time, it seems you haven't really spoken to him since.

Grow up. You have a child with this man and he's taken on another child of yours so it's not just your feelings at issue here. This is obviously in the past, and well in the past so you should at least be communicating with the guy, or making an effort communicate. If you're going to react like this to every indescretion then you certainly won't be hearing about any more. That being said, it sounds like that was the worst. If the guy was a serial cheater and had been sleeping with others up until quite recently then there'd be a different scenario but he made a mistake, a very big and very stupid mistake, but a mistake nonetheless and while he'll have to work for forgiveness from you, you've no right to act like a spoiled child in this either. Get talking and get this sorted out.

ash23

squonk wrote: »

Hi OP. While I sympathise with your plight, the first thought that struck me was 'What's your problem?'.

You already say that he's a good, devoted father and you were having a heart to heart after all. It sounds like your relationship is on a good footing right now and he's settled very much into it, or at least that's certainly the way it was until Saturday.

OK, perhaps he shouldn't have told you but I'd look at it from the point of view that he's not been sleeping with anybody else bar yourself for the past four years. I don't know what your early relationship was like but perhaps he had some trouble letting go of the ex but, let's face it, he got the chance to get some and took it. At least he feels guilty about it now and he's telling you about this as well, which meant he felt he could.

The bottom line is this; don't have heart to hearts with him if you can't handle what you might be told. You've a right to be pissed off but instead of reacting constructively like sending him to coventry for a short period of time, it seems you haven't really spoken to him since.

Grow up. You have a child with this man and he's taken on another child of yours so it's not just your feelings at issue here. This is obviously in the past, and well in the past so you should at least be communicating with the guy, or making an effort communicate. If you're going to react like this to every indescretion then you certainly won't be hearing about any more. That being said, it sounds like that was the worst. If the guy was a serial cheater and had been sleeping with others up until quite recently then there'd be a different scenario but he made a mistake, a very big and very stupid mistake, but a mistake nonetheless and while he'll have to work for forgiveness from you, you've no right to act like a spoiled child in this either. Get talking and get this sorted out.

Act like a spoiled child because she's upset that her trust in the man she loves has been shattered? Jesus wept.

OP only you can decide if this is something you can get over. I couldn't be in a relationship without trust personally. And I would always be thinking if someone lied to me about that, what else would they lie to me about. And to keep it quiet for 4 years? And while I was pregnant? God, i don't think I'd ever believe a word out of his mouth again.

He may be a good father but cheating on you and lying about it for years makes him a lousy partner.
I'd suggest relationship counselling if you think this is something you can forgive.
Only you know if this is something you think you can put behind you.

I am a friend

Is he sorry?

loughallenlass

squonk wrote: »

Hi OP. While I sympathise with your plight, the first thought that struck me was 'What's your problem?'.

You already say that he's a good, devoted father and you were having a heart to heart after all. It sounds like your relationship is on a good footing right now and he's settled very much into it, or at least that's certainly the way it was until Saturday.

OK, perhaps he shouldn't have told you but I'd look at it from the point of view that he's not been sleeping with anybody else bar yourself for the past four years. I don't know what your early relationship was like but perhaps he had some trouble letting go of the ex but, let's face it, he got the chance to get some and took it. At least he feels guilty about it now and he's telling you about this as well, which meant he felt he could.

The bottom line is this; don't have heart to hearts with him if you can't handle what you might be told. You've a right to be pissed off but instead of reacting constructively like sending him to coventry for a short period of time, it seems you haven't really spoken to him since.

Grow up. You have a child with this man and he's taken on another child of yours so it's not just your feelings at issue here. This is obviously in the past, and well in the past so you should at least be communicating with the guy, or making an effort communicate. If you're going to react like this to every indescretion then you certainly won't be hearing about any more. That being said, it sounds like that was the worst. If the guy was a serial cheater and had been sleeping with others up until quite recently then there'd be a different scenario but he made a mistake, a very big and very stupid mistake, but a mistake nonetheless and while he'll have to work for forgiveness from you, you've no right to act like a spoiled child in this either. Get talking and get this sorted out.[/QUOTE

The heart to heart we had was about our future and where and how we wanted to be in years to come. Last week, month or year if you asked me do i trust him i would have said with my life...now not so much.

He left her bed (an forgive me if this is disgusting to hear....believe me i'm living with it) and got into mine...LITERALLY! He never gave me any indication anything was wrong so again you'll have to forgive me when I can't physically get myself together to talk to him about it.

And i don't believe i'm being spoiled or selfish. I'm putting the children's needs before mine...for if i had no children he'd be long gone. This is the first Blimp in the relationship so it's not like he forgot to pick up the kids from play group or mixed the whites with the colours........he was jumping from one bed to another....slightly more than an indiscretion in my estimation.

I need to sort out my emotions i.e anger, grief, resentment etc before i can talk to him. otherwise decisions would be made that may not be the right ones

loughallenlass

I am a friend wrote: »

Is he sorry?

i believe he is otherwise he wouldn't have told me

I am a friend

Has he said sorry? Begged you to stay etc? Do you know if he was using contraception? Do you need to get tested?

Da Shins Kelly

squonk wrote: »

Hi OP. While I sympathise with your plight, the first thought that struck me was 'What's your problem?'.

You already say that he's a good, devoted father and you were having a heart to heart after all. It sounds like your relationship is on a good footing right now and he's settled very much into it, or at least that's certainly the way it was until Saturday.

OK, perhaps he shouldn't have told you but I'd look at it from the point of view that he's not been sleeping with anybody else bar yourself for the past four years. I don't know what your early relationship was like but perhaps he had some trouble letting go of the ex but, let's face it, he got the chance to get some and took it. At least he feels guilty about it now and he's telling you about this as well, which meant he felt he could.

The bottom line is this; don't have heart to hearts with him if you can't handle what you might be told. You've a right to be pissed off but instead of reacting constructively like sending him to coventry for a short period of time, it seems you haven't really spoken to him since.

Grow up. You have a child with this man and he's taken on another child of yours so it's not just your feelings at issue here. This is obviously in the past, and well in the past so you should at least be communicating with the guy, or making an effort communicate. If you're going to react like this to every indescretion then you certainly won't be hearing about any more. That being said, it sounds like that was the worst. If the guy was a serial cheater and had been sleeping with others up until quite recently then there'd be a different scenario but he made a mistake, a very big and very stupid mistake, but a mistake nonetheless and while he'll have to work for forgiveness from you, you've no right to act like a spoiled child in this either. Get talking and get this sorted out.

Just, wow.

Anyway...What I would suggest is taking some time to yourself and sorting out your feelings. While I've never been in this position myself, I can only imagine that you feel extremely confused and hurt right now. You need to figure out how you feel yourself before you can properly address this in a mature manner. Acting immediately made lead you to do something impulsive that you may regret later. You need to be thoughtful.

If you feel like you need to get something off your chest, then choose carefully who you speak to. Remember, everyone has an opinion and the people closest to you will probably be biased. If you want to vent to someone completely neutral, counselling services are available too.

When or if you feel you are ready, I'd sit down and talk it out with him. If you feel like you can't get over it, then it's probably better to end it rather than staying in a relationship that harbours such feelings - not a nice environment for children, they do notice these things. You can sort out arrangements for him to see his child, those things can be worked out. If you feel like you want to give it another go, I'd suggest couples counselling to try and clear any animosity and hurt that might be there. I think for the most part it's an issue of trust. It doesn't matter how far in the past it was, or not asking difficult questions that you might not like the answer to, or praising him for being so morally courageous for finally coming clean. You were given a false sense of reality for the last few years. It's an issue of trust. That's something that doesn't repair itself over night. It takes work.

Best of luck in what ever you decide to do. Things will get better.

hondasam

I am a friend wrote: »

Has he said sorry? Begged you to stay etc? Do you know if he was using contraception? Do you need to get tested?

Sorry is just a word, these are two adults here not children, as for the begging to stay, it's not TV. The other two you threw at her, give her a chance to digest some of what's happened first.
It takes a lot to confess to cheating and it takes a long time to get over it but couples do manage it. One honest conversation to get it all out in the open and then move on as best as you can.

squonk

loughallenlass wrote: »

The heart to heart we had was about our future and where and how we wanted to be in years to come. Last week, month or year if you asked me do i trust him i would have said with my life...now not so much.

He left her bed (an forgive me if this is disgusting to hear....believe me i'm living with it) and got into mine...LITERALLY! He never gave me any indication anything was wrong so again you'll have to forgive me when I can't physically get myself together to talk to him about it.

And i don't believe i'm being spoiled or selfish. I'm putting the children's needs before mine...for if i had no children he'd be long gone. This is the first Blimp in the relationship so it's not like he forgot to pick up the kids from play group or mixed the whites with the colours........he was jumping from one bed to another....slightly more than an indiscretion in my estimation.

I need to sort out my emotions i.e anger, grief, resentment etc before i can talk to him. otherwise decisions would be made that may not be the right ones

Well OP, given what you said, and I highlighted, you have your answer.

Your next step though is whether you can afford to do this. Bringing up two kids on your own is tough, but it's been done before and will be again so not impossible. Taking the emotion out of it, you need to decide now if his continued support is worth more than the price to you of forgiving him for this indiscretion. That's what it comes down to. I, in fact think that you should walk away given how you feel and hold on to your dignity. To be honest the original post read to me like he had hopped into bed with his ex a few times on and off when the opportunity arose. Not nice but I'm a firm believer that sometimes we need to make mistakes to learn what is really important. By the sounds of it, this wasn't quite the case. So, it comes down to this, do you go it alone with maintenance from him to help and be your own woman, or do you compromise, take some of the hurt on the chin and work through it in the hope that the payoff in the end is worth more than the price it takes to get there. Only you can decide that I'm afraid but good luck.

I am a friend

hondasam wrote: »

Sorry is just a word, these are two adults here not children, as for the begging to stay, it's not TV. The other two you threw at her, give her a chance to digest some of what's happened first.
.

Thanks for your guidance

Op, he should be doing everything in his power to make this up to you and I am sorry but your health should be a priority.

loughallenlass

squonk wrote: »

Well OP, given what you said, and I highlighted, you have your answer.

Your next step though is whether you can afford to do this. Bringing up two kids on your own is tough, but it's been done before and will be again so not impossible. Taking the emotion out of it, you need to decide now if his continued support is worth more than the price to you of forgiving him for this indiscretion. That's what it comes down to. I, in fact think that you should walk away given how you feel and hold on to your dignity. To be honest the original post read to me like he had hopped into bed with his ex a few times on and off when the opportunity arose. Not nice but I'm a firm believer that sometimes we need to make mistakes to learn what is really important. By the sounds of it, this wasn't quite the case. So, it comes down to this, do you go it alone with maintenance from him to help and be your own woman, or do you compromise, take some of the hurt on the chin and work through it in the hope that the payoff in the end is worth more than the price it takes to get there. Only you can decide that I'm afraid but good luck.

I'm financially independent and always have been so i'm not necessarily worried in that sense. I can provide for my children quite well. And yes, from what he told me it was a couple of times. To me once was a mistake. To have done it a couple of times is not a mistake. Its a concious decision. That's what's hard to accept also.

hondasam

loughallenlass wrote: »

I'm financially independent and always have been so i'm not necessarily worried in that sense. I can provide for my children quite well. And yes, from what he told me it was a couple of times. To me once was a mistake. To have done it a couple of times is not a mistake. Its a concious decision. That's what's hard to accept also.

You are financially independent, you do not need him,ask him to move out. Does two times make such a difference? You have to ask yourself is it pride that is stopping you at the moment? Do you still love him?

loughallenlass

I think i could trust him again (in regards to cheating) but i genuinely don't believe i could ever respect him again. The lies and manipulation for the past 3/4 years is hard to accept. He was a complete hypocrite because he would berate his friends for cheating yet he done the same thing himself........and yes it was 3 or 4 years ago but that doesn't ease the pain. I'm getting to the angry stage so forgive me!

hondasam

loughallenlass wrote: »

I think i could trust him again (in regards to cheating) but i genuinely don't believe i could ever respect him again. The lies and manipulation for the past 3/4 years is hard to accept. He was a complete hypocrite because he would berate his friends for cheating yet he done the same thing himself........and yes it was 3 or 4 years ago but that doesn't ease the pain. I'm getting to the angry stage so forgive me!

Put yourself in his shoes, I'm not excusing him btw.
You will respect him again because he will earn it. The lie not lies. I know you are angry now and that's good.If you cannot respect him then let him go.

loughallenlass

hondasam wrote: »

You are financially independent, you do not need him,ask him to move out. Does two times make such a difference? You have to ask yourself is it pride that is stopping you at the moment? Do you still love him?

I don't like him at the moment and i could say i don't love him but that's the hurt talking.
And once was sufficient in my estimation!

Daisy M

I am not excusing what he did by any means but I think you need to judge what he did based on the relationship you had at the time he was cheating and not based on the one you have had for the last few years. Were ye serious at the time of the him seeing this other girl, were ye committed to each other, were you in love? Perhaps (and I am not condoning it) at that time your relationship did not apper concrete or that it would ever become to be concrete, maybe he was not fully over his ex before he entered a relationship with you. I do think when you are ready you need to get all the facts and make a decision with all that info. But you need to be sure you are making the right decision and not act out of rashness or because you feel a duty to for you children. I really wish you all the best for your future and hope things work out well for you.

Taltos

OP - as above take as much time as you need.

Can you forgive him - maybe, with work from you both.
Do you forget this - never
Will you respect him again? - only if/when he earns your respect

However part of the healing process here if you decide to stay with this guy is to come to a stage where his betrayal does not get re-used in future arguments - if you end up going that route you may as well end it.

I still think you should find a professional to talk to here to help you work through your range of emotions - as you noted right now you are in the anger phase.
Don't feel you have to justify yourself here - none of us know exactly what you are going through - many will have experienced similar betrayals but no two are exactly the same.

No matter what else is going on try not to get stuck in the trap of just focussing on this, try to keep yourself busy and if you can't face a professional find someone you trust to just listen to you - you don't need others telling you how you should be feeling or how you should end/continue your relationship with this guy.

hondasam

loughallenlass wrote: »

I don't like him at the moment and i could say i don't love him but that's the hurt talking.
And once was sufficient in my estimation!

For these two indiscretions which he could have kept secret, what are his good points?
I can see you love him and I'm sure he loves you and hates the fact he hurt you, he has done it now and if ye truly love each other ye will get past it.

Dinxminx

Daisy M wrote: »

I think you need to judge what he did based on the relationship you had at the time he was cheating and not based on the one you have had for the last few years. Were ye serious at the time of the him seeing this other girl, were ye committed to each other, were you in love?

From what I understood of it the OP was pregnant with his child at the time he was cheating on her, so I would assume that would classify the relationship as pretty serious and committed.

Daisy M

Dinxminx wrote: »

From what I understood of it the OP was pregnant with his child at the time he was cheating on her, so I would assume that would classify the relationship as pretty serious and committed.

Possibly but the impression I got from the first post was that his ex was still contacting him while the op was pregnant, this was a couple of years after he and his ex had broken up, I assumed he slept with his ex in the earlier stages of the relationship and this probably gave the ex hope and she continued to contact him for sometime after. I could have taken it up wrong though!!

Memnoch

loughallenlass wrote: »

I think i could trust him again (in regards to cheating) but i genuinely don't believe i could ever respect him again. The lies and manipulation for the past 3/4 years is hard to accept. He was a complete hypocrite because he would berate his friends for cheating yet he done the same thing himself........and yes it was 3 or 4 years ago but that doesn't ease the pain. I'm getting to the angry stage so forgive me!

While you are completely justified in feeling how you are feeling I would also say that you should try and back off and look at the situation a little more philosophically.

People are people. And people are vulnerable and sometimes not very strong, and sometimes cowardly. They don't always make the best decisions and they don't always say no to temptation.

It's very easy to say, 'But I'd NEVER do that.' And maybe you wouldn't. But maybe there is another type of situation or a different situation where your human frailties would cause you to make just as big a mistake.

Again, I'm not saying this excuses his behaviour, which was wrong and of course a betrayal. Of course he lied to you. Do you think it's the kind of thing that's easy to own up to? He probably had all sorts of conflicted emotions.

Ultimately you have to decide what is best for you in the long term.

Here is someone who has been faithful for the last four years. And if he had never told you your relationship would still have been great.

That suggests to me that there is something there that can be salvaged. But you're also going to have to try and stop feeling like he has committed the greatest crime imaginable. He certainly messed up in a big way but that does not change who he is in every other aspect of his personality. He still cared/cares for you and your children. He still wants to be devoted to you. He still wants a future with you. These things have not changed.

It's easy for me to say this. I'm sure I'd be just as upset as you if I was in your situation. But I'm not and so I can look at it with a bit more distance and coldness and maybe that's what you need right now.

loughallenlass

To begin with, I would like to thank each and everyone of you for all your advice. I took everything that was said to me on board and I've decided, even though his betrayal hurt we can get past this. Yes it will take time but once it is dealt with it will never be mentioned again.
If someone told me last week this would have happened my reply would automatically have been "He's gone" but until your faced with a situation you really don't know how you would react.
I'm going to come out of this a stronger woman and him, a better man and i do believe when we finally deal with this issue and *move on* it will strengthen the relationship.
thank you all again for your advice and support x

hondasam

loughallenlass wrote: »

To begin with, I would like to thank each and everyone of you for all your advice. I took everything that was said to me on board and I've decided, even though his betrayal hurt we can get past this. Yes it will take time but once it is dealt with it will never be mentioned again.
If someone told me last week this would have happened my reply would automatically have been "He's gone" but until your faced with a situation you really don't know how you would react.
I'm going to come out of this a stronger woman and him, a better man and i do believe when we finally deal with this issue and *move on* it will strengthen the relationship.
thank you all again for your advice and support x

well done you, it will not always be easy but ye love each other it will be good again. Everyone says they would leave but until you are in that situation you don't know what you will do.
Argue shout scream for a few days, get it all out in the open, ask him what ever you want but only if you want the truth and then move on.
Best of luck

Neyite

Take all the time you need and dont be pressured to process your feelings quicker than you feel like doing.

He has had 4 odd years to think this through and process what he has done. So, take your time, and take it day by day.

I'd recommend counselling though.

P. Breathnach

loughallenlass wrote: »

To begin with, I would like to thank each and everyone of you for all your advice. I took everything that was said to me on board and I've decided, even though his betrayal hurt we can get past this. Yes it will take time but once it is dealt with it will never be mentioned again.
If someone told me last week this would have happened my reply would automatically have been "He's gone" but until your faced with a situation you really don't know how you would react.
I'm going to come out of this a stronger woman and him, a better man and i do believe when we finally deal with this issue and *move on* it will strengthen the relationship.
thank you all again for your advice and support x

I thought, from your earlier posts, that he was finished.

I know the hurt and anger you felt. But I think you probably made the right choice (I can't say anything stronger than "probably" because I don't know either of you personally). It's still a challenge for you, and I am glad you are up for it.

All the best.

Memnoch

Best of luck OP. Hope it works out for you both.

finbarrk

And if he hadn't told you this discussion wouldn't have happened. And you would live happily ever after.

Taltos

And with that last piece of advice we will close this thread as the OP has decided on the course of action to take.

OP - if you want this thread re-opened at any time please just PM one of the mods and we will release it for you.

All the best
Taltos