Unexpected Pregnancy in 4 month r/ship

LegacyUser

I'm literally having a nervous breakdown. Seeing a guy 4 months, relationship is a slow burner but he is a good guy (though not without his faults) and I do like him - but I have sensed some commitment issues which was making me rethink things. Anyway - completely out of the blue and unexpectedly I have just discovered that I am pregnant.

I am on the pill for the past 6 years, I never ever miss one and if I do I will abstain from sex or use condoms. I've never even had a scare in the past. We didn't use condoms as he had only had one 10 year relationship where they were both virgins when they met so....It maybe wasn't the birghtest idea but it seemed so unlikley that anything would go wrong.

I'm not anti abortion but I'm 31, I have a good job and I probably could support this baby, I have no idea how he would react or if I even have the strength to tell him, he doesn't have any children and I'd feel like I was ruining his life or something

I've been weithing up the pros and cons for the last 24 hours and I think I will let him decide, I would love to have the baby but I don't want a baby to be born in to a horrible complicated situation. I also don't want to ruin his life or make him feel trapped.

God I feel like nothing is the right answer here

Taltos

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Taltos

LegacyUser

Hi Op,
I think the only thing you can do is talk to him. Why would you think that you would be ruining his life or making him feel trapped? You wont know until you speak to him, he could be absolutely over the moon. I would take a couple more days to yourself to get around the shock yourself before speaking to him but I would definitely sit him down, if for whatever reason it is not what he wants as you say you want the baby so I'm sure you could do it on your own? Nothing wrong with single parents.

Best of luck OP

Miss Fluff

canitgetmorecomplicated wrote: »

I've been weithing up the pros and cons for the last 24 hours and I think I will let him decide

I think it is ultimately up to YOU to decide hon. He may turn out to surprise you and be supportive, or he may find the whole thing abhorrent and tell you that you are on your own. How far gone are you do you think? Unless you are pregnant a few months then I advise you to take your time, contact Positive Options http://www.positiveoptions.ie/ and if you can confide in a close friend who will be there to talk things through with. You can't "let him decide" on a whim, it's a lot more complicated than that. Take some time to decide how you want to proceed - really hope things work out for you.

The Lovely Muffin

Hi OP,

Personally I think you should tell him - he is the father after all. He should have the choice to decide whether he wants a child or not or whether he wants to be a part of his child's life or not.

I can imagine the shock when you found out, especially when you have only been together a short time.

He may decide he doesn't want a child and he wants an abortion, are you going to agree to an abortion just to keep him happy, even if it isn't what you want?

Do you want to have this baby? Even if your partner doesn't?

As for ruining his life, you aren't ruining his life, it takes two to make a baby, so he is partly to blame as well, he can't lay all the blame on you.

Really, the pill on it's own is not 100% reliable, you really need to use two methods of contraception to really, really minimize the chances of becoming pregnant. Condoms are one of those contraceptive methods.

If your partner decides to break it off with you and not to have anything to do with his child, you need to decide whether or not you can bring up and support a child or the next 18-21 years.

Best of luck OP, I hope it works out for you.

Miaireland

As Ms Fluff suggests try contacting positive options. Talking to someone neutral could help you get your head around things. I do agree that the father should be told and hopefully you can make the decisions together.

P. Breathnach

Sorry that you are in a tricky situation.

Something to ask yourself: if having the baby cost you the prospect of building the relationship with this man, how would you feel about it?

dellas1979

What age is he? Why do you think it would ruin his life? How well do you know him at this stage (have you met any of his family, is he foreign i.e if he is, does he plans to stay here etc?).

PS: Sorry for all the qs - just to get a clearer pic of the overall situation.

ihsb

If you want to have children and you are able to (which you have said that you are) then maybe the decision has already been made? You should check out positive options and you really need to talk to him. Do not let him force you into anything you are not comfortable with.

Let him know that you don't want to trap him. If he decides that he is not ready for the commitment then you have to think about whether or not you can be a single mother. Have you got support within your family/friends to help you with your decision for support?

Good luck OP! x

midnight_train

Hi OP,

I feel for you, I can only imagine how stressed you must feel.

But this kind of situation is a fairly universal one, if you know what I mean. A friend of mine was in a similar situation. She, too, was on the pill and was in a short relationship. In her case, she was never actually that serious about the guy. They were together for about 3 months and she broke it off. And then found out that she was pregnant. Long story short, it was very difficult for her at the time (she was about 26/27), but she had the baby, her family and friends supported her, the ex wasn't super-involved, but did play a role in the child's life ... anyway, my friend has since met Mr. Right, (different guy) they're engaged and very happy. And she's delighted (of course!) to have had her little girl.

I'm not giving my opinion either way on whether or not you should have the baby, it's such a personal decision, but I am saying that if you want it - have it. It can be done. And if you don't want it - don't. You have both options.

Best of luck, OP. You will be OK, whatever you decide :-) xxx

hondasam

Hi op

Congrats and best of luck with the baby.
Tell him and let him decide for himself what role or involvement he wants, make it clear you are not asking him for anything. I know it might seem like a problem now but fast forward a few months and it will all be ok
The sooner you tell him the sooner you can relax and enjoy having your baby. He might be happy to be having a baby.

LegacyUser

Hi OP Just wanted to say I too was in your situation , was in a relationship with a guy only three months, felt very ill for a while went to the doc's to find I was preganant .

Utter shock, I even discussed abortion with my doctor . My boyfriend was waiting at my parent's house for me to come home , so I didn't really have time to digest it myself , I paced up and down the hall for a while then just walked in to him and blurted it straight out to him , at first it was a quiet reaction but then he was on the phone to his family to tell them ! that was 8 yrs ago and now we have a happy little girl ! we have two other children since and are planning on getting married !

I know its hard but there's no point beating yourself up now and wondering if you should tell him or not , what's done is done so you might aswell make things easier on yourself and just tell him , afterall you're never going to know his reaction untill you tell him , atleast then you can go from there . best of luck .

Dubhlinner

I would love to have the baby but I don't want a baby to be born in to a horrible complicated situation.

Have it.

Babies born in war torn sub-saharan Africa are born into horrible complicated situations.

Having one parent (and that's the worst case scenario as he could be a fantastic dad) is the norm for plenty of happy kids.

Shulgin

Dubhlinner wrote: »

Have it.

Babies born in war torn sub-saharan Africa are born into horrible complicated situations.

Having one parent (and that's the worst case scenario as he could be a fantastic dad) is the norm for plenty of happy kids.

Yup, if you want the baby then go for it, whatever the situation with your boyfriend is. Once you have friends and family to support you, then you'll be grand!

Steve Johnson

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I think it is ultimately up to YOU to decide hon. He may turn out to surprise you and be supportive, or he may find the whole thing abhorrent and tell you that you are on your own.

No, making a baby takes TWO people, a man and a woman. That means the baby belongs equally to BOTH the parents (despite what the misandric culture and laws in this country may have you believe).

OP, I think letting the father decide is a great idea. If he is willing to make the commitment then great, if not then the baby should be aborted. Having a child to be raised by a single mother is the SINGLE WORST thing you could possibly do to a child. They will likely end up a criminal or mentally ill from my experience.

POSTER WARNED FOR FLAMING, SEE NEXT POST

Beruthiel

Steve Johnson wrote: »

OP, I think letting the father decide is a great idea. If he is willing to make the commitment then great, if not then the baby should be aborted. Having a child to be raised by a single mother is the SINGLE WORST thing you could possibly do to a child. They will likely end up a criminal or mentally ill from my experience.

Steve Johnson
Do not come into this forum preaching your inflammatory tripe.
Read this forums Charter with regards to unhelpful posting.
If I find you posting crap like that again, I'll ban you from here.

LittleBook

canitgetmorecomplicated wrote: »

I would love to have the baby but I don't want a baby to be born in to a horrible complicated situation

OK ... deeeep breaths. I was in a very similar situation to you and, to be honest, it's really not that complicated because the truth is your relationship with this guy now takes second place to your pregnancy.

You clearly want to have the baby and appear to be a good position to raise it on your own if you need to, good ... great! What's making you feel like you're having a nervous breakdown is the idea of telling him!

I know why you feel that it's complicated ... you're second-guessing him and worrying about what he's thinking, how he'll feel. You're worried that he'll think you've trapped him or something, that he'll flip out, that he'll be so shocked he'll do something mean or stupid. Sure, that's possible.

In our situation we didn't stay together but he's consistently been a huge part of my daughter's life from the day she was born. A frickin' thorn in my side from time to time but, credit where it's due, he's a good father and he's always been there for her.

Or you could end up together like guest 123, who knows!

All you need to do now is to talk to your boyfriend, tell him how you feel, what you want and let him decide what, if any, involvement he wants and take it from there.

You can't even begin to get your head around this until you have this conversation with him and you know where you stand, then you can start dealing with the situation.

One thing at a time ... baby steps ... pun intended

Sleepy

Talk to your boyfriend. Myself and my daughter's mother were only seeing each other for about 2 months when she got pregnant.

Our daughter is a beautiful little 3 year old and we're currently planning our wedding for next February.

Maybe you won't be as lucky but I'm certainly not the only person who's been in a similar position and come out the other side with a happier, better life.

LegacyUser

I hope you are feeling beeter and have had time to get your gead around this.
First of all, crisis pregnancies are called that for a reason, they are just that! It is a huge responsibility to have to make a decision about something you probably hadnt considered before, the life of another person.
I say this because I was throught the same situation 7 years ago. I was 21 but unfortunately, age doesnt affect this situation. At this stage, you just need to decide whether or not you want to go through with the pregnancy.
I would strongly recommend telling your BF, but this comes with a caviet, it's still your decision at this stage because only you can decide to have an abortion if you so wish. When you tell him, try to prepare yourself for any reaction and limit the effect it has on your feelings because a lot changes in 9 months anyway.
Having a baby changes your whole life. I nearly had an abortion, couldnt go through with it. It wasnt for me. I wanted to put her up for adoption and her Dad initially agreed and did not want to be involved during the pregnancy. I went ahead and organised it only to be brought to court by his mother when she was born, for custody. Your decision making time is now, not in 9 months so be very aware that whatever transpires, he will have equal rights (or can obtain them legally if you dont agree) in his/ her life once he/she is born and this is very improtant for your child.
Adult relationships work out if they are meant to. Your relationship with your BF is seperate to the relationship you will have with your child and therefore, your decision should not be based on his feelings alone.
But be aware that raising a child with someone you are not with (or even know that well at this point) will be incredibly difficult if you realise you dont really get on. Even if you do get on, there will always be issues because you dont have the buffer of 'compromising' that you would have if you were in a relationship.
It can be done, myself and my ex both love our daughter very much and share parent relatively successfully but life has been VERY difficult, and still is 6 years later. I do worry about how her 'family' situation will affect her in years to come and if i had my way, even now, I would have wanted her to be adopted but unfortunately, I didnt get that choice.
I am just trying to give you some insight into my experience. Everyones will be different, take your time and decide what feels right for you, and how you want to raise your child.
I wish you the very best of luck and truely believe that whatever you do, as it's parent will be in it's best interests in the long-term.
Good luck.

fungun

LOL, same as above, I was the guy in that situation. Relationship at the time was 'a bit of fun' more than anything. Now have 2 kids, happily married, together almost 10 years now.

You never know people's reactions to kids; some of the people you don't expect to be great parents are great parents. My advice would be to tell him and see what happens.....it could end up being great for both of you, you wont know til you see.

ash23

While the fathers reaction is an important one for making the decision, ultimately YOU need to live with the decision so I wouldn't be letting him decide.

I was in a similar position about 10 years ago. I was 19 and in a brief relationship which had ended and I found out I was pregnant. I told the father and he pushed for an abortion. I was seriously contemplating one. I am totally pro choice but the key word is choice. And that choice is yours and yours alone.

At that time I decided (after many sleepless nights and a lot of soul searching) that I was going to keep the baby. The father was not impressed and cut contact and I have not seen nor heard from him since.

My child is 9 now and I won't pretend it's been easy, nor will I pretend I never think "what if". I have regrets but overall I am content with the choice I made.
My daughter is fairly content with her life as the child of a single parent and we have a fairly good life together although it's a struggle at times, financially and emotionally.


The cold hard truth of it is that you will be the one who deals with the pregnancy and the consequences no matter what he decides to do.
If he is supportive it is you who will be carrying the child, birthing it and raising it albeit with his support.
If he doesn't want it, it is you who will be travelling for the abortion and dealing with the physical and mental aspect of it.
I'm not saying none of it will affect him at all, it will. But essentially it's you who is carrying the child and therefore it's your decision as to what to do.

So by all means, take his reaction into consideration when making the decison. But he cannot make this decision for you I'm afraid. And it's a horrendous decision to make, probably the hardest you'll ever make.

But at least be sure that it is YOUR decision because whichever way you go, knowing that the choice was yours and you weren't influenced in any way and that it was the right thing for you at the time, it makes it much easier to have peace with your choices in my opinion and experience.

The Corinthian

My advice is regardless of whether you decide that he should have a part in the choice or not you should at the very least let him believe that he does have a choice. This is very important as otherwise anything he will say will be predicated on the fact that it is a feit accompli and he will feel trapped and act accordingly in the longer term.

The cold hard truth of it is that he will also have to deal with the consequences of any choice for the rest of his life. You may be the one who ultimately has to go through the pregnancy or abortion. You may be the one who is ultimately left holding the baby. However a baby (or the memory of one if terminated) is not just for nine months and so would be pretty selfish to reduce him to some sort of supporting role to your choices.

He may be overjoyed to become a father, but he may be less so where it comes to being tied to a woman he only knows for a few months (in a relationship that he may or may not have considered that important), so let him know that his relationship to any future child and you are separate - even if you both want to try to make a go of a relationship, the last thing you want is that he feels he has to for the sake of the child.

He is likely to throw a wobbler too at the start. This is understandable as not only is it a life-changing situation, but he does not have 'options' making it even more of a crisis. Be understanding in this, tell him he should think things over, but stress that he cannot procrastinate too long as any choices have to be done within a certain time-frame. Encourage him to speak to men who have been in this situation as this may also help him get his thoughts together.

If he does decide he will be a father to the child, then he needs to understand that this not something he can change his mind later on, he's either in it for the long haul or not at all. But if he does, you should aim twoards his inclusion as a guardian and with (if practical) joint custody, rather than a babysitter-ATM. This can make all the difference in his involvement.

In the long run, the two of you could end up happily married/cohabitating as a result of this. Or single, separate, but with a good co-parenting relationship. Or he may choose to have absolutely nothing to do with it all. That is his choice, just as it is ultimately your choice to keep the child or not, and so keep no ranker, no resentment, if he does not go along with your choice.

I do not think you should leave the decision to him. Ideally you should both choose together, but if you cannot agree, you should nonetheless respect his choices just as you would expect him to respect yours.

LegacyUser

Hey OP here.

Thanks so much for all the replies

First things first - when I said "I'll let him decide" It wasn't because I dont' want to be a single mum, not at all - in fact - that's the issue I'm here trying to get an answer too! It wouldn't bother me but for some reason I would feel truly awful bringing a child in to the world and stealing some guys freedom or forcing him to take responsibility - I mean, he's not the type of person who would turn his back on me- so, I think I would just feel bad if he said he didn't want me to have it and I went ahead and did anyway.

It wouldn't be because I wanted to preserve the relationship, no way, I actually hadn't even thought of that - well I had, but not in the context of it being relevant to the overall outcome.

I do have a supportive family, I haven't told them yet - I've only told my best friend.

I need to have decided I'm having the baby for definite before I can tell my parents.

I'm meeting my boyfriend tonight so I will try and tell him

ash23

canitgetmorecomplicated wrote: »

It wouldn't bother me but for some reason I would feel truly awful bringing a child in to the world and stealing some guys freedom or forcing him to take responsibility - I mean, he's not the type of person who would turn his back on me- so, I think I would just feel bad if he said he didn't want me to have it and I went ahead and did anyway.

If that's what's bothering you, well there's a couple of points to make.

1. You didn't create this child alone. It takes two etc. You are no more "stealing his freedom" than he is stealing yours. It's not his fault you're pregnant and it's not your fault either. It's one of the risks that comes with having sex.

2. If he truly wants his freedom he will be able to have it. There is no way that you can force him to be in the childs life. The only legal obligation he has is financial. If he decides he wants nothing to do with the child other than a weekly/monthly direct debit then he can do that. He won't be obliged to do anything other than that. Where his moral obligations lie is a different matter. But again, that will be HIS choice (if he feels he can't turn his back).

So you don't need to feel guilty on either score there. It's unplanned but that doesn't mean you have to beat yourself with the guilt stick either.

Best of luck with the big talk.

The Corinthian

canitgetmorecomplicated wrote: »

It wouldn't bother me but for some reason I would feel truly awful bringing a child in to the world and stealing some guys freedom or forcing him to take responsibility - I mean, he's not the type of person who would turn his back on me- so, I think I would just feel bad if he said he didn't want me to have it and I went ahead and did anyway.

Then talk to him and try to decide together if you can. If you cannot agree, then make your own choice and allow him to make his. But if he genuinely believes he has a real choice you are going to get through this far better than if he's just there for the ride, which is what some here are essentially telling you. And despite what's been said, this will likely affect his 'freedom' and the rest of his life.

Be open and honest with him. Do not try to 'turn him round' to your point of view. Do not expect an answer tonight - whatever he says now, he will need to chew on it for a while before you'll get a real answer. The guy will be in shock, just as you probably still are.

But again, he has to believe he has a choice and if you go ahead with keeping the child that he will not simply be 'support'. I genuinely believe that this will increase the chances of a positive outcome, either way, one hundred fold.

Best of luck this evening.

sammye333

hey op.

I have been following the thread and thought i would add my 2cents.
I was in a similar situation when my GF got pregnant, only seeing each other few months. She was 18 and i was a few years older. When she told me i was SHOCKED (and like an ass i asked was i mine) which i still regret asking. If you do decided to tell him,make sure ye are alone and not likely to be disturbed becasue if he feels anything like i did then its better that nobody is about. SHOCKED<NUMB<MILIION QUESTIONS etc

Initally i talked about a termination, but she was adamant she wanted to keep it.
This took a while to settle with me but once i got my head around it, I WAS THRILLED.

Even though myself and the girl did not work out, i have a daughter that melts my heart every time i see her.

Hope everthing works. Like i said , have the talk, give him some space for a few days to let it sink in. Chat to his mates, family etc. Then talk again


sammy

dellas1979

Best of luck OP.
So he is your BF/some sort of committment? From initial post it just sounded like something kindof see him on and off. Have you met his family or friends? Does he have support here to turn to? You havent really said much about him at all (so as to how he might cope with the news thus affecting your decision also).

Belfastmedic

OP i'm in a similar situation.

Met a guy, was with him for three months, on the pill 12 yrs and found out i was pregnant.

The guy i was with is married, 2 kids, wants nothing to do with the baby and offered me the money to have abortion.

We are no longer together or speaking but i have decided to keep the baby
I'm 21 weeks now and looking forward to it.

Himself is still off sleeping around! :eek:

Lux23

If you want this baby then you should have this baby. If you can support the child then tell your boyfriend this and make it clear he doesn't have to do anything for you. He may come around to the idea or he may not but don't let his feelings decide the issue for you. Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

i had to post here after reading your op, i also had an unplanned pregnancy like yourself. i had a partner though so our situations are different.

i just wanted you to know your nerves/worries/what ifs etc are normal.....reading your post i remember how scared and upset i was when i did the test. it seemed like the worst thing in the world and i wondered how could i cope/be a mother.

however the dust settled and i thought clearer.....i saw it wasnt so bad and i made my plans....

i really think this is why a pregnancy is 9 months as it takes so long to get to grips with it and sometimes come to terms with it!

my 'baby' is now seven and has two siblings! (another of which was an unplanned pregnacy too-(must sort out my contraception!)

whatever your decision is, it will be the right one but i think right now you are scared/cant see the woods for the trees.

good luck and please tell a family member.