Thinking of cheating on my husband

LegacyUser

I think I'm going to cheat on my husband, we have been married 15 years but have had problems all along the way, I've tried to sort things out with him several times but things havent really improved, we've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for the past year and have sex once a monts at very most, but sometimes not for 5 or 6 months. He seems to have no interest in me at all other than that of a friend at very most. When I talk to him about it he says he loves me, but his behaviour does not seem to confirm what he says.

I know I should leave him but there is a lot of property and assets involved, as well as 2 teenage children sitting the Leaving and Junior cert this summer so splitting up would be very difficult to say the least and up until now we both seemed happy enough to share the house almost as housemates and business partners, without any of the affection that should be there between husband and wife. Im not blaming my husband entirely for the situation that has developed, it just seems as if we now love each other as friends..

Anyway the situation changed slightly in January when I met someone else through one of our businesses, he knows both my husband and myself. I have been texting him etc and have met him a few times socially, although we didnt arrange to meet up we both knew that the other one would be there. We have been getting on well and last week when I was alone with him he kissed me, nothing big just a kiss on the cheek. It was the most affection Ive had in a long time and I cant stop thinking about it. He has however been seeing someone else since before January, he knows I know about her but I dont think it is anything serious for him.

Reading this I realise I might seem like a cold and horrible person, but that is not how I am at all. I have to admit that I did cheat on my husband once in the past, 12 years ago, I told him about it, and although he has always said he has forgiven me, I dont think he ever did to be honest, he refused to have any more children after my affair, even though he knew I desperately wanted another baby, he always said that the affair changed everything.

I dont want to hurt my husband, but the strange thing is that I think he wouldnt even care if he found out about something between this other man and me now. I know the best thing to do would be to leave my husband before even thinking about a relationship with this other man, but I feel trapped in my present pretense of a marriage. Its also the feeling that everything was going ok and that I could live with what my husband and I had as friends who had occasional sex, but meeting this new man has made me realise that what I had is not enough, Im only 38 years of age and even though it looks as if I have everything, I have nothing.

So sorry for the long rant, I couldnt stop writing. Any advice whatsoever appreciated..

Beruthiel

Sort yourself out first OP.
If you are already sleeping in a separate bedroom then your children know that your relationship is over.
It's only a few months to the exams, you can start the process of moving out now.
If you are sure the relationship is over and have no interest in renewing it, at least discuss the options with your husband.
Until you have done the above, having an affair at this stage will only complicate matters further for you.
One thing at a time.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Sort yourself out first OP.
If you are already sleeping in a separate bedroom then your children know that your relationship is over.
It's only a few months to the exams, you can start the process of moving out now.
If you are sure the relationship is over and have no interest in renewing it, at least discuss the options with your husband.
Until you have done the above, having an affair at this stage will only complicate matters further for you.
One thing at a time.

100% agree with the above.

An affair will at fuel to the fire. You'll just add more baggage to a complicated situation.

Deciding and discussing with your husband whether the relationship is over, and what are your options, is your next and ONLY step.

I am a friend

You would also be cheating on your kids too as you would have to lie to them as well to maintain the other relationship...

The easy way out is to have an affair but its also incredibly selfish.. Also what kind of a guy is he when he knows your husband but is willing to sleep with his wife hardly a keeper huh???

Sleepy

Left field answer here: why not discuss it with your husband?

From what you say, you seem to have agreed to stay together for the kids without ever discussing it. Why not formalise that and agree for both of you to have freedom to see who you like outside the marriage but without making the kids aware of it until they're both in college and you could start formalising a separation / divorce whatever if that's still what you want then.

Given that your last affair destroyed your marriage, another one's not going to miraculously fix it.

Idle Passerby

I wouldn't be surprised if the distance in your marriage is a result of your previous affair. Maybe he's only staying with you to keep up appearances. Having another affair when the marriage is in such a bad state will only make things worse. If and when it came out your husband would presumably leave you, think of how this would be interpreted by your children.

They're old enough to know what an affair is. They can see the marriage is quite distant but if your husband is not treating you badly and is a good father, I'm sure the blame would fall on you for breaking up the home with an affair. Do you want your children to think of you as a cheat and the reason their father left the family home?

Speak to your husband and decide together whether or not you want to continue with the marriage. It will do no one involved any good to bring a third party into it.

Piliger

OP - what I would ask is what so you want to achieve ? and what is likely to happen ? and what price you are willing to pay if it goes tits up ? Can you and he be discreet ?
If you just need a bit of loving, a bit of excitement, a bit of physical sex ... and can leave it at that then maybe this is a good idea. You need to ask yourself if the other man can cope with that ? Despite what everyone says, men are very susceptible to falling in love while just intending to have sex. Being one, I know.
If you are thinking this man may be a future mate, then the whole situation gets way more complex. I personally think we owe it to our children to stay until they sit their leaving. I have been in this situation. I put my children before my happiness. I am satisfied I did that, though it hurt. A lot of talking with this man would be needed. Will he wait. Can you wait.
Either way I believe you should do nothing to endanger your kids success in school, and if you do have sex with him, then be bloody discreet about it please :rolleyes:

Benny_Cake

I think the only sensible option here is to talk to your husband with a view to trying to agree on whether your marriage has a future or not. I hope it does, but having another affair would be the worst possible course of action. Could it be that you know this already?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all of the advice, I suppose in truth I do know that an affair is never the wisest option, I have lived through the consequences of one affair already and like you say Idle Passerby the problems in my marriage may be stemming from this affair. That affair lasted only a very short time and I told my husband about it, even though I knew he had his suspicions. We never really discussed it properly, or why it happened, and after only a few months he refused completely to talk about it, but when we argue he still throws it in my face that I'm a slut etc...Its as if he never wanted to forgive me and even when it comes to business decisions that we disagree on he tells me that I have no say in what happens as I have had an affair. Maybe Ive no right to be, but sometimes I'm very angry, at times he was very nice and good to me, but he kept the affair as a stick to beat me with whenever he needed to do so.

Separating from and divorcing my husband would of course be the best thing to do, and I'm nit making excuses but doing that at this stage seems next to impossible for me. I really want to get my children through school and their exams before making any huge changes. Like Piliger I think that I owe it to my children to ensure they get the best possible education and some sort of stablilty until they finish school. Both my children are very dependant on me and barely sppeak to their father either. Its a strange situation, he provides for them financially, but seems to lack any emotional attachment to them. When he comes home in the evening, he goes into a room on his own and if any of us disturb him he tells us to go away, shut up etc because he is watching tv. I can still see though that my children might look very badly on me if they find out about any affair, in fact my husband has threatened to tell them about the affair 12 years ago several times in the past.

I know it might look selfish that I'm worried about the financial consequences of leaving, but Its not really about the money part that I'm worried. I'd happily give up any money etc for some happiness in my livre but its not that simple. Most of our businesses were partially financed by my parents, who are since deceased and I don't want to let them dowm by walking away from everything. It may sound stupid but thats how I feel. I have tried to discuss a separation with my husband before but he says that I'm the one with the problem so I can leave our home but I'm getting nothing if I go. I couldnt bare losing my home or business as there is such an attachment with my parents in these.

As for the other man and what I want with him the truth is that I really don't know. I wasnt expecting this to happen, I was up to now going from day to day looking after my children etc and I kept busy, and even though I could not say I was happy, I accepted my life as it was and did not really focus on the lack of any emotional or real sexual relationship with my husband. The contact with this man started out innocently enough, but of course I wouldnt want my husband to see any of the texts so there is definitely more to it now. This man has never said to me that he wants to sleep with me, I understand sunflower27 that it looks bad that he might be willing to sleep with me behind my husbands back but it happens everyday in life and he really is a goood person. I know that I will continue to meet him socially, it cant be avoided and as my husband is not usually with me on such occasions, I dont know if I could resist being with this other man if an opportunity arose. Maybe thats weak, selfish and pathetic but its the truth.

I'm not sure though what I want from this man, sex or a relationship. For now I suppose I'm thinking its more sex or intimacy really, just a kiss, someone to give me a hug etc, but I can see that it could develop into something more without either me or him necessarily wanting it to. I was thinking that if that does happen we could discuss what to do about it then, instead of worrying about it now, probably a silly thing to do. Its easy to say to myself that it would be crazy to go ahead with an affair if the opportunity arises but I don't know if I will be able to or even want to stop it if it happens.

Thanks again guys for the advice.

Beruthiel

non wife wrote: »

For now I suppose I'm thinking its more sex or intimacy really, just a kiss, someone to give me a hug etc,

You married your husband for this and you are not getting it.
It is the one thing all humans crave for.
The closeness and love of another human being is a very strong bond that you miss greatly when you don't have it.

When I left my ex husband, the things foremost in my mind were how it would affect my daughter and how would I ever survive financially on my own.
It was a struggle in the beginning, but what a wonderful life I now have because of that one brave step I took so many years ago.
You know what must be done OP, you just need the courage to do it.
It is there, deep within you.

non wife

non wife wrote: »

Separating from and divorcing my husband would of course be the best thing to do, and I'm nit making excuses

Sorry OP, but I do think you're making excuses. You say your children are sitting important exams and need the stability. You say you wont receive any property or assets if you leave your husband (which you really should research as it sounds quite odd considering your parents financed some of those assets). You say you feel trapped in your "present pretense of a marriage". But you also say:

non wife wrote: »

I have nothing.

Which is it? Do you have children and property and assets and the need to live up to what your parents dreamed for you or do you have nothing?

If the answer is that you have nothing, then the excuses of your children and assets are null and void. You have nothing keeping you with your husband, and you should leave him.

If the answer is that you can't leave because of your kids and assets, then stay, and don't have an affair.

I know it sounds like I'm being harsh, and maybe I am, but you have all the choices here. You can stay or you can go. You can be with this other man or not. But I certainly think that those choices shouldn't be independent of each other: either stay and don't cheat or leave and be with this other man. It's a horrible choice to have to make, but you're certainly not stuck in a position where your only option is to cheat.

Idle Passerby

non wife wrote: »

he refused completely to talk about it, but when we argue he still throws it in my face that I'm a slut etc...Its as if he never wanted to forgive me and even when it comes to business decisions that we disagree on he tells me that I have no say in what happens as I have had an affair.

When he comes home in the evening, he goes into a room on his own and if any of us disturb him he tells us to go away, shut up etc because he is watching tv. in fact my husband has threatened to tell them about the affair 12 years ago several times in the past.

He hasn't forgiven you, it sounds like he's using it as a weapon to keep you quiet. Do you think your children like the atmosphere in the house? Im not trying to be smart, but it sounds like a tense, hostile environment to live in. Your children are about 15 and 18 I presume, they obviously know your marriage is not great and your husband is a distant and grumpy man, they must have thoughts of their own about it. Discussing your marriage with your kids is probably not a great idea but you could possibly draw them out about their opinions, maybe they wouldn't see separation as such a bad idea.

If your adamant about staying with him til the kids are finished school your best policy is just to ride out the storm I think. Having an affair will only complicate matters further. And from the sounds of it the man your thinking of having the affair with probably wouldnt give you the affection you crave, you say he's seeing someone else aswell. Do you really want to risk your childrens stability to be part of someones harem? Either leave your husband now or continue with what sounds like a very uncomfortable and unsatisfying homelife til your kids have moved out.

fungun

Sounds like:

(a) you never dealt properly with your first affair
(b) this man: 'it started innocently' - is it fair to say you only thought about this once he kissed you? If so, then you suddenly have an option to have affection in front of you. Very alluring in your circumstances, but do recognise its affection you are feeling desire for, not this man.
(c) I agree with Sleepy. Talk to your husband, deal with it all properly. If its really not going to hurt him that you sleep with someone else (as you say) then what is the problem? Or is that just hopeful self-delusion?

LegacyUser

non wife wrote: »

I think I'm going to cheat on my husband, we have been married 15 years but have had problems all along the way, I've tried to sort things out with him several times but things havent really improved, we've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for the past year and have sex once a monts at very most, but sometimes not for 5 or 6 months. He seems to have no interest in me at all other than that of a friend at very most. When I talk to him about it he says he loves me, but his behaviour does not seem to confirm what he says.

I know I should leave him but there is a lot of property and assets involved, as well as 2 teenage children sitting the Leaving and Junior cert this summer so splitting up would be very difficult to say the least and up until now we both seemed happy enough to share the house almost as housemates and business partners, without any of the affection that should be there between husband and wife. Im not blaming my husband entirely for the situation that has developed, it just seems as if we now love each other as friends..

Anyway the situation changed slightly in January when I met someone else through one of our businesses, he knows both my husband and myself. I have been texting him etc and have met him a few times socially, although we didnt arrange to meet up we both knew that the other one would be there. We have been getting on well and last week when I was alone with him he kissed me, nothing big just a kiss on the cheek. It was the most affection Ive had in a long time and I cant stop thinking about it. He has however been seeing someone else since before January, he knows I know about her but I dont think it is anything serious for him.

Reading this I realise I might seem like a cold and horrible person, but that is not how I am at all. I have to admit that I did cheat on my husband once in the past, 12 years ago, I told him about it, and although he has always said he has forgiven me, I dont think he ever did to be honest, he refused to have any more children after my affair, even though he knew I desperately wanted another baby, he always said that the affair changed everything.

I dont want to hurt my husband, but the strange thing is that I think he wouldnt even care if he found out about something between this other man and me now. I know the best thing to do would be to leave my husband before even thinking about a relationship with this other man, but I feel trapped in my present pretense of a marriage. Its also the feeling that everything was going ok and that I could live with what my husband and I had as friends who had occasional sex, but meeting this new man has made me realise that what I had is not enough, Im only 38 years of age and even though it looks as if I have everything, I have nothing.

So sorry for the long rant, I couldnt stop writing. Any advice whatsoever appreciated..

Just from reading this, it sounds like this situation is oblivious to your husband. He says he still loves you and you still have sex. You did damage to the relationship from the previous affair. You owe it to this man to sit him down and tell him that you want to end the relationship (if you want an affair then you don't want a relationship with your husband).
Don't be horrible and have another affair behind his back, he gave you a chance before, don't through that back in his face.

hondasam

non wife wrote: »

I think I'm going to cheat on my husband, we have been married 15 years but have had problems all along the way, I've tried to sort things out with him several times but things havent really improved, we've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for the past year and have sex once a monts at very most, but sometimes not for 5 or 6 months. He seems to have no interest in me at all other than that of a friend at very most. When I talk to him about it he says he loves me, but his behaviour does not seem to confirm what he says.

I know I should leave him but there is a lot of property and assets involved, as well as 2 teenage children sitting the Leaving and Junior cert this summer so splitting up would be very difficult to say the least and up until now we both seemed happy enough to share the house almost as housemates and business partners, without any of the affection that should be there between husband and wife. Im not blaming my husband entirely for the situation that has developed, it just seems as if we now love each other as friends..

Anyway the situation changed slightly in January when I met someone else through one of our businesses, he knows both my husband and myself. I have been texting him etc and have met him a few times socially, although we didnt arrange to meet up we both knew that the other one would be there. We have been getting on well and last week when I was alone with him he kissed me, nothing big just a kiss on the cheek. It was the most affection Ive had in a long time and I cant stop thinking about it. He has however been seeing someone else since before January, he knows I know about her but I dont think it is anything serious for him.

Reading this I realise I might seem like a cold and horrible person, but that is not how I am at all. I have to admit that I did cheat on my husband once in the past, 12 years ago, I told him about it, and although he has always said he has forgiven me, I dont think he ever did to be honest, he refused to have any more children after my affair, even though he knew I desperately wanted another baby, he always said that the affair changed everything.

I dont want to hurt my husband, but the strange thing is that I think he wouldnt even care if he found out about something between this other man and me now. I know the best thing to do would be to leave my husband before even thinking about a relationship with this other man, but I feel trapped in my present pretense of a marriage. Its also the feeling that everything was going ok and that I could live with what my husband and I had as friends who had occasional sex, but meeting this new man has made me realise that what I had is not enough, Im only 38 years of age and even though it looks as if I have everything, I have nothing.

So sorry for the long rant, I couldnt stop writing. Any advice whatsoever appreciated..

You want the security your husband gives you, it's natural,you also don't want to hurt your kids.
I think letting them down is your biggest worry. Forget about the affair, it's history he forgave you and ye have moved on from that.
How about a trial separation to give both of ye time to think and decide if the marriage is worth saving.
You know the other man is a mistake and it will only make thing worse for you at the moment.
Take time out concentrate on what you want be honest with yourself and your husband.
If this man is because you are bored then it's just a quick fix but will not solve the problem.

Emme

I feel sorry for the children here, and to a certain extent the husband. There must be a tense atmosphere in the house as this couple aren't getting on.

OP, talk to your husband. See if you can make a go of things, if not then move on. However, if you do leave him being single will be completely different to being married. It's hard to meet somebody when you're in your late 30s up. You might end up being alone most of the time with little or no affection from any man. Indeed, most of the offers you might get could be of cold, transactional one-night-stands which are ultimately soul destroying. And you might not get those very often, say once every four or six months.

On the other hand your husband will be seen as very eligible and if he wishes he will have no problems finding a new partner. How would you like that? Would you like to be single, over 40 and searching while you husband is in the first flush of love with a new partner? That's a very likely scenario if you do decide to leave him.

If I were you I would do my level best to save your marriage, if necessary go to marriage counselling with your husband.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the advice...as some of you suggested, I tried to talk to my husband tonight as the children are away for the night with their uncle. I told him I'm not happy in our marriage, that I'm upset that he barely speaks to me,I'm worried that he has such a distant relationssip with our children and that I am upset that he puts me down all of the time. He told me to shut up, stop annoying him and that he didnt care, or give a f**k what I or the children thought of him.

He didnt really raise his voice but he was quite forceful in what he was saying. I told him I couldnt continue on like this and again he just said to stop annoying him and to shut up. He just wont listen to me at all, he has his head buried completely in the sand and I've no idea what to do now.

I just wanted to bring the subject of the problems in our marriage up and have some kind of adult conversation, but as has happened in the past he is completely refusing to do so, Ive tried to discuss it before with him and I almost feel justified in having an affair now....

28064212

Tell him you plan to go outside the marriage for sex. If he truly doesn't care, that's the only way you'll find out. Anything less than full disclosure is a very bad idea. What if he finds out after the fact and uses it against you in a divorce, or to prejudice the kids against you?

stargazer 68

non wife wrote: »

Ive tried to discuss it before with him and I almost feel justified in having an affair now....

28064212 wrote: »

Tell him you plan to go outside the marriage for sex. If he truly doesn't care, that's the only way you'll find out. Anything less than full disclosure is a very bad idea. What if he finds out after the fact and uses it against you in a divorce, or to prejudice the kids against you?

Sorry OP I still dont see any justification for an affair. If he truly doesnt care what you or the children think and wont discuss it then maybe its time to separate. What good will an affair do? There is obviously something deeper going on with him - work, finances?

Telling him you are going to go outside for sex isn't going to work either. As far as I can see from your posts the sex isn't the problem - its the emotional stuff. So just having an affair is not going to make this any better.

Sleepy

28064212 wrote: »

What if he finds out after the fact and uses it against you in a divorce, or to prejudice the kids against you?

Divorce in Ireland is 'no fault' i.e. it doesn't matter what either party has done, it doesn't affect the outcome.

OP, your husband clearly wants a divorce but is just afraid to ask for it / afraid of how much it'll cost him.

Hunkydorey

I agree with the other posters that an affair is not the answer, it will only further complicate an already complicated situation.

I appreciate you wanting to look after your children, but have you thought about what staying in your marriage is teaching them? You sleep in different rooms, he makes no effort, he have frequently told you to "shut up" and makes no effort with you, your children know all of this. I don't know your childrens gender but I think if you have a daughter then you are teaching her that this is ok, it's ok for a man to tell you to "shut up", it's ok to be in a loveless relationship, your teaching her it's normal. If you have a son your husband is being a very bad role model for him for future relationships and how to treat someone your supposed to love and you are also teaching him that your relationship is normal. I know you want the best for your kids but have you thought about the fact that living in such an environment might actually not be the best option for them? You can encourage them in school and be happy yourself. I think they would rather their 38 year old mother was happy and separated as opposed to together and miserable, give them the benefit of the doubt, talk to them (once you have a decision made). I think you have the best intentions in staying for them but ultimately I think you could do more harm than good.

Your husband doesn't sound like a nice man, see a solicitor first so you can ease some of the financial stress on yourself. He sounds like a bully, yes you had an affair but he cannot still hold that against you for 12 years! He is bitter, he is a bully, he is rude (you cannot tell your wife and kisd to "shut up" and he trying to use your home/business as a means of a threat, see a solicitor now because ultimately your marriage is over, end it sooner rather than later and give yourself a chance to get your life back, your only 38!

prestigio1977

Hi OP, an affair is not the answer here. I am in a similar situation. My husband and I are married 16 years, kids are 15 and 17. Our problems started a few years ago, when I discovered he was taking cocaine and that he had been taking drugs behind my back for years when we used to go out with friends. He went for counselling a few times but the trust was gone and our relationship has suffered ever since. Last year we took a break, then went for marriage counselling, but didn't work because I realised I just didn't love him anymore, we have both changed. I got close to someone else, but didn't have an affair, but even so, that much complicated things a lot for me. My main priority at the moment are my children. While I am very unhappy and want to move on with my life, I feel that they are more important at the moment and especially since they lost a friend to suicide recently, it just puts things in a little bit of perspective. I know it's a hard and lonely time, but try to see them through the next couple of years. I'm taking it each day at a time and don't know what the future holds, but I know that I have to look after my beautiful children. Some people say don't stay for the sake of the children, but it's a very hard decision to make. I have been for counselling for myself, which was somewhat helpful, maybe that may help you. Look after yourself:)

Emme

non wife wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice...as some of you suggested, I tried to talk to my husband tonight as the children are away for the night with their uncle. I told him I'm not happy in our marriage, that I'm upset that he barely speaks to me,I'm worried that he has such a distant relationssip with our children and that I am upset that he puts me down all of the time. He told me to shut up, stop annoying him and that he didnt care, or give a f**k what I or the children thought of him.

It's worrying that he doesn't care what the children think of him. I can understand him being angry with you if you cheated on him before.

non wife wrote: »

He didnt really raise his voice but he was quite forceful in what he was saying. I told him I couldnt continue on like this and again he just said to stop annoying him and to shut up. He just wont listen to me at all, he has his head buried completely in the sand and I've no idea what to do now.

I just wanted to bring the subject of the problems in our marriage up and have some kind of adult conversation, but as has happened in the past he is completely refusing to do so, Ive tried to discuss it before with him and I almost feel justified in having an affair now....

An affair isn't the answer. Do you care about anybody but yourself? You have hurt your husband in the past and if you embark on an affair with a married man you are hurting his wife as well.

Perhaps you would be better to separate from your husband and give him some chance of happiness - he clearly isn't happy with you. Then you would be single and free to pursue whoever you choose. But you mightn't be such a hot prospect if you were single...

P. Breathnach

Emme wrote: »

It's worrying that he doesn't care what the children think of him. I can understand him being angry with you if you cheated on him before....

Yes, it's worrying, but I suspect that if his attitude extends to the children, it's possibly not anger he is experiencing. I can visualise a man who is totally devastated, and has been feeling that way for years.

That's not an easy one to fix, especially as he is not here nor, apparently, anywhere else seeking help.

WM18

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Yes, it's worrying, but I suspect that if his attitude extends to the children, it's possibly not anger he is experiencing. I can visualise a man who is totally devastated, and has been feeling that way for years.

That's not an easy one to fix, especially as he is not here nor, apparently, anywhere else seeking help.

I have to agree with this post , the husband is obviously devastated and has been for years because of the original affair.What was he like before the affair , the O.P. married him , he must have had some qualities.
He's lived with the affair all this time and never forgiven the o.p.
It's just a pity his relationship with his kids has been damaged as well.
2 sides to every story..........

LegacyUser

Maybe its time to consider a divorce.....not an easy thing to say but I think its time you thought about it. I would say tell him you want a divorce and see what he says but I would prepare yourself as it sounds like he will agree.

aidan24326

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Yes, it's worrying, but I suspect that if his attitude extends to the children, it's possibly not anger he is experiencing. I can visualise a man who is totally devastated, and has been feeling that way for years.

That's not an easy one to fix, especially as he is not here nor, apparently, anywhere else seeking help.

WM18 wrote: »

I have to agree with this post , the husband is obviously devastated and has been for years because of the original affair.What was he like before the affair , the O.P. married him , he must have had some qualities.
He's lived with the affair all this time and never forgiven the o.p.
It's just a pity his relationship with his kids has been damaged as well.
2 sides to every story..........

Ah come one now, the affair was 12 years ago and he's still devastated? That's bollocks tbh. He should either have got over it long ago or have left her by now if not.


OP, as others have said having an affair is not going to solve anything at this stage. What you need to do is end your marriage as from what you've described whatever marriage you had is dead in the water and doesn't really sound recoverable either. Leave your husband and then you can think about being with someone else.

You're in a sham of a marriage at this stage (no love, no affection, no sex life etc) so if your husband has his head buried in the sand then it's up to you to grasp the nettle and end it.

Emme

aassddfffff wrote: »

Maybe its time to consider a divorce.....not an easy thing to say but I think its time you thought about it. I would say tell him you want a divorce and see what he says but I would prepare yourself as it sounds like he will agree.

He probably will, but life will be very different for the OP outside the cocoon of marriage.

Toots

OP, I would advise you not to begin an affair while you are still married to your husband. The way things are now, it doesn't sound like it'll do any of you any good. You obviously don't want to continue in the marriage, and it sounds like your husband feels the same. You should really go and talk to a solicitor who specialises in family law. Explain your situation to them and see what advice they give you. In fairness, your marriage is over, you owe it to yourself to start the ball rolling and move on with your life, rather than be stuck in limbo like you are now.

Piliger

non wife wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice...as some of you suggested, I tried to talk to my husband tonight as the children are away for the night with their uncle. I told him I'm not happy in our marriage, that I'm upset that he barely speaks to me,I'm worried that he has such a distant relationssip with our children and that I am upset that he puts me down all of the time. He told me to shut up, stop annoying him and that he didnt care, or give a f**k what I or the children thought of him.

He didnt really raise his voice but he was quite forceful in what he was saying. I told him I couldnt continue on like this and again he just said to stop annoying him and to shut up. He just wont listen to me at all, he has his head buried completely in the sand and I've no idea what to do now.

I just wanted to bring the subject of the problems in our marriage up and have some kind of adult conversation, but as has happened in the past he is completely refusing to do so, Ive tried to discuss it before with him and I almost feel justified in having an affair now....

Hi again. Firstly you don't need any justification to have a relationship outside this sham marriage. He has made it the way it is and that voids any duty you have to him - completely. You just have to decide what the best path is now for YOU and for your children.

One good thing came from this 'discussion' imho. It is clear what he wants and thinks. He has made it crystal clear he doesn't care about you or the marriage, and by extension the children. That may be distressing right now ... but it removes all doubt and that is good and will help you make choices in the future.

I would suggest that the best course of action is to take no immediate action but to:
a) Embark on a discreet course of enquiry about your legal and financial status. Use personal friends and contacts who might put you in touch with someone or go to the Free Legal Aid centres that are in most places and have Family Lawyers who know what they are talking about. You can go to more than one to double check (I've been to several). Before you make any decisions on the marriage you need to establish the facts, not your assumptions or what friends tell you. When you do find out exactly where you stand you can take a step back and decide if it's better to stay or separate/divorce. Until then hold your powder.
b) Don't have an affair out of revenge or anger. If you really need comfort then go ahead ... just make sure you chose wisely. A guy who knows what discretion means. A guy that also needs discretion. And don't feel guilty!

It seems to me that he has set his course and you must now set yours ... but at your own pace.

Good luck.