Estranged from Family

LegacyUser

I apologise for the long thread.

I am an incest survivor who was also physically and psychologically abused. I did muster the courage to tell my parents but their reactions hurt me more than the abuse itself. My father didn’t say or do anything and my mother who was severely depressed at the time, accused me of imagining such things. My brothers vehemently denied all the abuse. They became increasingly volatile with me and felt I was no longer safe at home. My brothers were not asked to leave even though they were well into their 20s and working. I was scared and all alone. If they left, I was not sure I could live in peace as the house and everything surrounding about it would remind me of all that has happened. Thinking about this still makes my stomach turn. I refused to live in some ****e foster home and my extended family were not much help. One of them went as far to tell me to get over it and that my brothers were young.

I made the decision I do not want to live at home any longer or be anywhere in close proximity to my immediate and extended family. With the help of my very close friends then, I made the necessary preparations and organised an exit plan. I ran far away as possible, where there would be no family. I even moved as far as up north and have not been back once to my hometown or surrounding area since I upped and left. I changed my name and identity so they would not find me and I could start my new life.

Today, I make very little friends fear of anything from my past may come out. I feel uneasy when I hear others at work talk about family, and I usually have nothing to say. My whole life has been a secret. I did not go to counselling when I left because I was not legally an adult and was afraid I would be reported as a runaway and sent back home. I have been living this new life as a recluse. I keep my new friends at a distance and they take it as shyness and being private. I fear having a man in my life or have children. I fear of turning into the same monster like my brothers. Sometimes I have regrets over the drastic decisions I made in the past. I feel they were the best I could do and were the only options I had at that time. But living this new life did not give me the freedom I sought out for. Instead, I feel like I am imprisoned by it. In the past 6 months I started to feel ill and getting heart palpitations. I collapsed at work and was sent to A&E. I was in the hospital for an entire month. I was diagnosed with “broken heart syndrome” medically known as takotsubo cardiomyopathy. My health is not the greatest and am on medical leave from work. Sometimes I feel as I am being punished for all that has happened to me. I ask myself, why I bothered leaving when I am not feeling better. I do not feel safer or freer. Instead, I feel the same as that abused girl who left over ten years ago, lost and unsure about herself. Nothing has changed about me except my name, where I live and my life in secrecy.

I don’t know what to expect on here but I want to remove this burden off my shoulders.

neuro-praxis

You poor, dear, darling woman. "Broken heart syndrome" is very apt. You are immensely strong and brave, and have shown enormous resilience. My heart goes out to you in your isolation.

Now is the time to begin to open up. I suggest you start with a trusted friend, and then begin to think about counselling. Counselling (and mind you, make sure you choose the right professional to talk to you - even changing until you find the right one) will eventually give you healing and peace you could never imagine.

Being estranged to one's family of origin never stops being painful. However the pain can lose its grip as you face the pain head-on and heal, and especially as you begin to think about creating a new family. A husband and children...all this will be possible for you when you have begun the journey of healing.

You are a credit to yourself. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Nothing. You should be very, very proud of the person you have become.

Sincerest best wishes to you. I wish you every kindness and blessing. x

Lisha

HI op,

Neuro-praxis has said it very well. I've nothing to add only to wish you best of luck, you deserve happiness.

It breaks my heart to hear of awful stories like yours. You've done so well to escape and survive. Be proud of what you have achieved and Please get the help you need to allow you to build a safe and happy future for yourself.

many best wishes,
Lisha

OP it must have been incredibly difficult for you to post your thread and for that you should feel quite proud of yourself. Furthermore you had the courage to leave a life you hated and move on to something completely unknown and create a brand new life for yourself which is a huge step. You have a job, you have friends all of which you have after what has happened in your past. You sound like an incredibly brave person.

One thing I would advise is never go back to your family because the way they have treated you they dont deserve to have you back in their lives.

It is my opinion the reason you feel the way you feel is that you don't have any close relationships in your life as you say you have lived as a recluse and keep everyone at a distance. I can appreciate the reason why that is the case. You feel alone and it is stressing you out, you are not a bad person and your decisions were not mistakes.

I would suggest create a past for yourself so you can atleast talk about things when people talk about their families ultimately no one is going to know that you are lying and if you feel that strongly about lying to them then bend the truth about your family no one is going to google them and dig into your past and if they do then that is a legitimate reason to call the police and have them arrested. Doing this will provide you with some common ground which will help you make small steps at letting people get a little bit closer to you to develop deeper relationships.

As a species we are born alone and we die alone but that is no different to any other mammal species on the planet. Every other mammal species are communal and so are humans, It is in our biology to be social we are raised to be sociable from the second we enter the real world. Hell it even says it in the bible if God wanted human beings to be alone then he would never have created Eve for Adam. A crude example I know but it does illustrate what I am trying to say.

Ultimately I would say to seek counselling because it will help you obtain the help you need.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.

neuro-praxis

Deleted User wrote: »

One thing I would advise is never go back to your family because the way they have treated you they dont deserve to have you back in their lives.

I would suggest create a past for yourself so you can atleast talk about things when people talk about their families ultimately no one is going to know that you are lying and if you feel that strongly about lying to them then bend the truth about your family no one is going to google them and dig into your past and if they do then that is a legitimate reason to call the police and have them arrested.

I know this advice is well-intentioned but I strongly disagree.

Firstly the OP needs to decide for herself what, if any, contact she wants to have with her family. The day might come when some element of reconciliation might be possible with a parent for example, and if that is what is right for her, then she must do that.

Secondly, I do not think the OP should make up any lies. Lies are never the foundation of close relationships. Saying little or nothing when not sure what to say is probably the best course of action, which is what she has done so far.

Counselling may give you the sense of freedom you long for OP, and may allow you to open up with trusted people.

I am a friend

You are so brave and will come through this now. Dont have a lot to add to the other points other than I wish I had 10% of the strength you have.

neuro-praxis I understand what you are saying, it is from my own personal experience that I recommend the creating a past because I found it easier to live a lie then face my past.

saa

I am estranged from my family for the same reasons and as soon as I figured out it was b/c of that reason I was about to click off but I read this and see myself two years ago, honey you will not always feel this way you go through stages with many struggles but you can come through this as you have been so strong to survive growing up and cope with having to find your own way in the world with all the emotional burdens. If abuse happens when you're a child and as a teen you realise whats gone the years of being a young adult and trying to set up a life for yourself are challenging but very rewarding, it took me 2 years of being an emotional wreak and then two years to balance out my day to day life and living situation now I've steadied my mind,body life, coping mechanism and goals with counselling I have started to feel normal again.

The not having family is hard and it took me a while to get over the fact that other people don't understand but thats okay because I know that its not my fault or problem who was my bio family and I do not have to feel bad about not being around people who do not treat me right, other people don't get it because they dont know but no one else would expect you to keep in contact with anyone who does not listen to you or respect you in such concerning such a hurtful incident, its damaging but you can rebuild your strenght, peace and ability to feel relaxed. I have forgiven my parents and siblings for not understanding as I go into my 20s more I notice how many other adults live separately to their biological families for many reasons and thats okay.

I used to feel bad for not going back and visiting friends or not "making an effort" as friends and family assumed but now I feel strong like no, no way is anyone going to make me feel bad anymore I was and still am protecting myself the best way I can and I am proud of my strenght. I still feel upset and bad for myself, that used to make me want to be destructive but now it pushes me to be caring for myself for what I didnt or couldnt have rather than continuing punishment on myself.

I finally got assistance with renting and moved into my own place last year, I didn't feel safe for almost a year I felt like someone was going to ruin everything or I didn't deserve to be doing okay, just a illogical fear and a lot of it are intrusive memories and counselling really helps to deal with those, my health used to be so bad with stress and recounting the worst memories or trying to figure out why someone wasnt there for me kept coming up but now I react like oh look an intrusive thought that's nice I wonder what that thought is trying to tell me I'll bring that to counselling, remind myself of where I am now (grounding) or think yes I was let down but I now have the ability to look after myself and its a pity I was let down in the past but I am glad I am not in that situation anymore.

Just take things at your own pace, I would advise ringing a rape crisis line and when you feel ready imo counselling doesn't work for some people but with trauma it is so good at untangling destructive thought patterns, generally blah feelings, and coming from a background where you couldnt say anything it is so good to be able to say whatever you like to someone who isn't going to be hurtful or not understand, I'm glad to hear you've found work I havent been able to but I almost have a degree, and I'm glad you're able to take time off work for your health its tricky with traumatic stress to actually let yourself have time out but even making that post, moving out, getting a job, seeking medical care is you wanting to do better for yourself which I really admire in a person.

saa

Oh and btw I don't tell people I have an older brother anymore, I did once and there was follow up questions and it hurt a lot so I am feel so much happier not having to talk about that when people ask me how many brothers and sisters I have.

Also changed my name and I hate people asking me why I did it so I made up a reason

and if it comes to a situation where you can't lie you can protect your privacy in regards to why you don't see family or wow you moved out young by saying "family circumstances" or casually I would mention how I was always very independent and couldnt wait to move out.

Beruthiel

living in secrecy wrote: »

I ask myself, why I bothered leaving when I am not feeling better. I do not feel safer or freer. Instead, I feel the same as that abused girl who left over ten years ago, lost and unsure about herself. Nothing has changed about me except my name, where I live and my life in secrecy.

I have nothing to add to the great comments above.
I would just say, that until you deal and are able to move past the dreadful things that were done to you, you will find it very difficult to move on.
You need a professional to help and teach you how to live life with this.
You need them to help you heal.
You have done great so far, now take that extra step and find that person who can take you the rest of the way.
You deserve to feel free and happy. Please find a professional to help you get there.
Best of luck Hon.

ABajaninCork

I have nothing constructive to add, but didn't want to read and run.

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and pray you find the strength to deal with this.

Sending you a big hug and best wishes. XXX