How to control negative thinking?

LegacyUser

Exactly as the title says -

here's the story:
I use online dating and through there I met this amazing girl this week. We met up, got on amazingly and she ended up spending the night at mine. It's the first time in a long time that I'm legitimately excited about the possibility of being with someone. I like her and I know she likes me.

But there's a problem - I suffer from anxiety a lot, something she doesn't know about (yet). This leads to a lot of negative thinking - like, am I saying too much, saying the wrong things, yada yada. For example; I'm likely traveling up to see her in the coming weeks, when I'll likely meet her friends. Tonight I asked her where to tell them where we met - I have no problem saying we met on a dating site, but I wasn't sure how comfortable she would be with it. To me, asking it is the logical choice, mainly because I know the question will be asked by her/my friends. Now I'm wondering if that was the wrong question to ask.

The thing is that alongside this, I have a friend that keeps telling me that the only way to get women is if you play it mean - do things like not text back when you get a message, or maybe not text them first. These kind of things. Since she's one of my best friends, I sorta listen to her.

I do like this girl and think it could possibly go somewhere good, though I'm also trying to get that thought out of my head and enjoy it for what it is.

So, what should I do and should I tell her at some point about my anxiety?

Reesy

Hey OP,

Congrats!

Maybe, the next time you meet, you should just meet her & not her friends, in order to minimise the chances of anxiety? As ou get more confident with her, perhaos the anxiety will decrease?

as for your friend who says 'treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen' - all I can say is be true to yourself. Do what YOU think is right. What might work for your friend may not work for you. I'll keep my views on that strategy to myself...

Good luck

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies- the thing is that it's extremely difficult for me not to overthink things. It sorta comes from my anxiety and my negative thinking, but it's most certainly a lot better than it used to be. But unfortunately its still there. Oh, sunflower, I didn't exactly meant telling her any time soon, but at some point in the future.

P. Breathnach

Ignore your friend's advice about playing it mean. Would you like it if this girl treated you that way? Don't do to her what you would not like done to you.

I think it is okay to let her know about your tendency to be anxious, but I suggest that you do it in an understated way: you could, for example, tell her that you are concerned that in trying too hard the make the right impression on her friends you might make the wrong one, and you could ask her to give you a bit of help with the situation. And do bear in mind that such anxiety is not unusual, and that once you get used to people and situations, it goes away.

indough

why would you have to meet her friends so quickly

LegacyUser

I think people are kinda confusing the friend issue - I have no problem with meeting them and I won't be meeting them until I get to go up and visit her. Chances are that I'll meet her housemates anyways and the question of where we met is likely to come up, as it always does seemingly. My problem is that I overthink things, which is what I'm trying to solve because I don't want to screw things up.

I am a friend

How to control negative thinking? wrote: »

I have a friend that keeps telling me that the only way to get women is if you play it mean - do things like not text back when you get a message, or maybe not text them first. These kind of things. Since she's one of my best friends, I sorta listen to her.

Yeah thats a good way to attract women - women with serious issues who like to be treated like [EMAIL="cr@p"]cr@p[/EMAIL].

If I guy I liked pulled that stunt, I would be gone out the door pronto.

Act like a normal person and then you cant cock it up. If she likes you then isnt it better she likes who you actually are and not the act.

LegacyUser

Just slightly confused over something - I haven't heard from her at all today. Sent her a text this morning, then another this afternoon when I got some good news on something, but she hasn't replied at all yet. Last night she didn't reply to a message I sent, which didn't bother me as I had pretty much fallen asleep right away, so I really want to think that she has ran out of free texts (we're on separate networks) or that she is too busy to answer. Sometimes she might take a while to reply, but it's strange so far that I haven't heard from her.

I am a friend

Stop texting her - 3 unanswered texts in a row is too much.

Dancer656

I have anxiety which resulted in a meltdown not too long ago. At that stage I realised that I had to see a counsellor who turned out to be really helpful and I still use the techniques she taught me. I use to have the same kind of negative thinking but talking to a counsellor really helped me.

Don't do the whole treat them mean keep them keen thing, that's never a good idea. Just be yourself.

I wouldn't tell her right now, only do it when you're more comfortable and when the relationship has developed.

That_Guy

How to control negative thinking? wrote: »

The thing is that alongside this, I have a friend that keeps telling me that the only way to get women is if you play it mean - do things like not text back when you get a message, or maybe not text them first. These kind of things. Since she's one of my best friends, I sorta listen to her.

Nonsense.

Why would you want to play games with somebody you're clearly interested in? Life is far too short.

I used to be like you a little bit OP. Always focusing on the negatives and wondering how the hell somebody could even like me.

With good advice from mates/family, I eventually got over these issues. The only way you can be comfortable with someone else is if you're comfortable with yourself first.

I'd take it easy with the texting too by the way. There's a multitude of reasons why she may not be texting back.

LegacyUser

Dont play games and dont pester her with unanswered texts either.

I'm a great believer in surrounding yourself with positive influences.

Sport - Training - Fitness is seriously important. Your body needs to be physically worked 3-4 times a week. Mind body & Soul and all that jazz.

People - stay away from negative people or at least limit their influence.

HenryChinaski

sunflower27 wrote: »

As for your friend, well, that is total BS. Playing hard to get and mind games is utterly pointless.

Absolutely.