terrible relationship with father

LegacyUser

Hi


My entire life, I have had a pretty lousy relationship with my father. He was verbally and physically abusive. Funnily enough the verbal abuse has stuck with me more than the physical. Obviously, as a child I blamed myself for the abuse, I thought I wasn't good enough or didn't live up to his expectations. I have three younger brothers and we all had problems with him. My mother used to tell me to try get on better with him, and to not put her in the middle of him and myself whenever I went to her upset over something he had said or did to me. This made me incredibly guilty. I felt I was upsetting her, and she was essentially the only other parent I could turn to..

I grew up, and realised none of it was my fault. I moved out very young (too young probably) and didn't see him for a few years. I was told by my mother I was no longer welcome in his house and so coped alone, renting cheap rooms here and there, putting myself through college. I got on with it, happy that he wasn't in my life.

then my mother got ill and he got in contact with me, saying we should have a civil relationship so that things were easier for my mother. I (stupidly) went along with this and a few years have past now. He has tried to worm his way back into my life, without ever apologising for what went or, or even talking to me about it at all!! he is a very selfish person and just wants an easy life.

gradually, the toll of carrying around the grief of an abusive childhood whilst trying to play happy families has worn me down. I really do not know how much longer I can continue with this charade. I feel anger towards both parents - my father for all the hurtful things he said and did to me, and towards my mother for abandoning me when I needed her to take my side.

I really do not know what to do, whether to tell them (calmly in an non-argumentative manner) how I feel. Or to begin distancing myself from them. I feel so hurt everyday and have no one really to advise me as to what to do.

Any advice would be great.. I'm so lost.

LegacyUser

op, substitute 'father' for 'mother' in your post and i could have written it, so you're not alone.

my abusive childhood has been an unbearable burden throughout my life and it's only a few weeks ago at a coucelling session with a cbt councellor that i was told about the national councelling service. they specialize in dealing with childhood abuse, be it verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. my coucellor got me to ring and make an appointment with them and i'm just waiting for that now. there's a waiting list, as it's a free service, but i'm hoping that finally (i'm 35!) i can begin to deal with the hurt, shame, guilt, anger, and all the rest of the baggage i've been left with due to my mother's abuse.

qrrgprgua

Resentment and anger are emotions that drain you. You are old and better now.

If your father is not abusive to you now then at least that has changed.

You are better confronting the problem instead of running away from it. My Father was the same, but he is now with dementia so not much to say to him, drink was a problem and it make him another person.

LegacyUser

Poor you. That's a lot of baggage to be carrying around with you. Have you ever thought about going to counselling? Really I think you should because you've said yourself you've nobody to advise you about this. I say this because I've had problems of my own with my family. I had cried on the shoulders of friends but they're biased. In my opinion, nothing beat sitting in front of a trained professional who wasn't emotionally involved. It did help to hear a total stranger analyse and view a familiar situation with fresh eyes and to give advice.

Overheal

At different times I've fallen out with my parents, sure. Wrote a vitriolic letter to my mother overseas, had fights with my dad that I could write about for pages if I put thought into it. Really though this was one of those things that I took to Counseling. Didn't take long. Two sessions. Got so much off my chest that it's not even really a part of my mindset anymore.

Best thing to do OP is take this and go to a counselor, its a safe anonymous way to vent the emotion and in the process a counselor will help you pick up on ways to best communicate those to your father. I learned a lot from counseling (and from here) about how to communicate with the old man, and it became apparent within about the course of a year after I moved back to the states, that all the years we spent grinding it out with eachother were almost entirely down to bad communication and misunderstanding. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.

thanks for all your replies. i should have mentioned, i had counselling for two years! the counsellor came to the conclusion that i have never forgiven my father so i cannot move past it.

over the past few months, i have found out some truly awful things my father has done to my siblings that happened after i found moved. this really angered me, but it also made me realise that my mother was never put in the middle of me and my father.. she just said this to get me off her back. all us kids have always felt our parents loved each other more than us, which is really heart breaking. we just got in the way.

i really feel i cant live my life with this hurt and anger. i'm thinking about moving again, further away so i can blame the distance for not spending time with them.

its really hard to love yourself when you know for sure the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally didn't care at all.

LegacyUser

''its really hard to love yourself when you know for sure the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally didn't care at all.''

this is the thing that i can't believe took me so long to realise, after years of addiction to food/alcohol/sex/disfunctional relationships with men. the thing with me is that now that i realise this, i need to find a way of coming to terms with that.

i know exactly what you mean when you say that you haven't been able to forgive your father. as it stands today, before i've even seen the national councelling service, i don't foresee that i'll ever be able to forgive my mother either. i suppose the next best thing we can hope for is acceptance. accept that what happened was not our fault, and accept that this is our history and come to terms with rebuilding our sense of self worth?

my heart goes out to you that you feel they still have such a hold over you that you need to make excuses to stay away and are considering moving. whatever you do, do it for the purpose of rebuilding yourself. they dictated your unhappy childhood, don't let them continue to make you unhappy in adulthood. x

LegacyUser

thank you for your advice.

i suppose what i need to know is, whether to tell them how i feel. i doubt they know how i truly feel even though i find my contempt hard to hide. sometimes i feel like telling my mother how much i struggle to deal with seeing him, without him ever having to explain or apologise for what he did to me. how difficult it is for me to pretend to like him when i cannot stand to look at him.

its such a messy situation, sometimes i get so upset i think i may lose my mind.
i dont really know how to be happy in my own life. its a weight around my neck. i have to hold everything in so other people dont get upset. i know there is no way to rationally talk to him about how much he has damaged me without him totally freaking out. he is not a stable person... i've always been told i'm a selfish person, that i'm difficult and that i cause problems. but i know thats not true. i love people, i'd hate to think i had upset someone. i feel angry i had an unhappy childhood and on top of that, that i have been made to believe that i deserved it, or brought it on myself.

Piliger

There is no solution to this kind of crap imho, having had a dire relationship with my father when I was younger.
I can only tell you that I have learned two things in the many years that have passed. Firstly, some people are just absolutely sh1t parents. They want to do the right thing deep down, but for some reason - perhaps their own upbringing - they do all the wrong things and never ever realise it. Some day you will probably discover that this underlies a lot of his behaviour.
Secondly I am not a great believer in deep discussions with him. I believe some people are poisonous in our lives and the best solution is to get them out of our lives. Pretending all is well is deeply poisonous and self destructive. Some plain honesty is needed in your life. I think you should stay away from him as much as you physically can do, and when you can't just tell him he has been a bastard to you and you don't want anything to do with him any more.
You have a life to lead. You only have one of them. Please don't let this drag you down any more. YOU need to fly. YOU need to live. YOU need to look after YOU. Their time is in the past.

LegacyUser

A line that I've seen repeated in similar threads on this forum is 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family' and I totally agree with it. You are not responsible for how your parents turned out and its not your fault.
Your dad contacts you because your mam is sick - he probably wouldn't have got in contact otherwise and has never apologised for his behaviour so he obvioulsy thinks he has done nothing wrong, why waste your time on him? He is using up your energy and dragging your further down. You really need to live your life and accept that he doesn't exist otherwise you'll never move forward with your own life.
As Pilligers post said you need to look after yourself - you only get one chance at life and you should make the most of what you've got. If that means cutting your dad out of your life then so be it.

Beruthiel

tabs101 wrote: »

A line that I've seen repeated in similar threads on this forum is 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family'

I have used that line many times in here.

OP
Just because someone has a child, does not mean they automatically become parents of the year.
In fact, someone who grows up saying their two parents were just fantastic are rare and very lucky.
Most people grow up with varying kinds of physical or mental abuse. Some of it very mild, some of it so bad it has lasting effects into childhood.

I am of the opinion that if a parent treats a child badly enough, they don't deserve their love or gratitude.
They don't deserve their company.

If this is effecting your mental health OP, then do whatever you must to get well and don't feel badly about it.
Let the guilt go.
The guilt is on their shoulders, not yours. Place it where it should be, at their feet.
If you wish to tell them, perhaps a letter would be easier on you.

Go talk to a professional about it, they will help you put the relationship into perspective.

LegacyUser

I really appreciate all your kind words of advice, they mean so much to me and make me feel much less alone.

I dont ever see the situation being resolved. its very sad. I've decided to distance myself from them, but I will have to have a rake of excuses because I know it will be asked why I dont spend more time at "home". I was talking to a friend about it, who has known me and my family history for many years. they reckon it will all come to a head. I will get resentful for years of biting my tongue and let slip my real feelings. however, i know full well that neither of my parents will talk about this in a constructive manner. the blame will be placed on me, and i will be banished from seeing the family, which has happened before.

i had to go over yesterday, and it was just me and my parents, my brothers were out. it was incredibly uncomfortable. they bitched about how much one of my brothers eats, and then made fun of my diet (i've dieted since about the age of 10 after overhearing my father make fun of my weight). none of us can win with them. we are either too fat or too skinny, too loud or too quiet. i just dont know what they expected when they decided to have a family. anyway, i just sat there last night listening to them, trying my best not to cry with the rage, frustration and sadness.

LegacyUser

so today my mother asked me why I have been so depressed for the past few months. it pained her to ask me this. but I suppose, feeling as low as I did I calmly told her that I struggle to cope with all that happened between me and my father. That it still affects me and sometimes I can cope, sometimes I cant. I looked at her when I was finished speaking and she looked incredibly angry to hear this. she told me to get over it. to stop placing blame and get over it. This really crushed me to hear but what she said next really upset me...

she told me she was not maternal before she had me, and now that I am an adult, she wants to make herself the priority in life. that she was number 1. I dont mind this concept so much, I understand she went through a lot with her illness and wants to look after herself. The thing that hurt the most is that I went to her with one problem that I have struggled with for a long time and I was completely shot down. the statement about her not being maternal before having me really broke my heart. I essentially feel I was not wanted by either parent.

I dont know where to go from here.

LegacyUser

you poor thing. i too wasn't wanted by either of my parents, except the difference is i suppose is that they TOLD me, straight out, on LOTS of occasions from about the age of 12/13 onwards. i'm not sure that i've ever or will ever ''get over'' it or ''get past'' it, i just sort of accepted it really. my mother had zero maternal instincts and never bothered to try and find out how best to nurture or care for a child.

i'm hoping the national councelling service will help me in letting go of it though, and i really think it might help you too. please consider calling them and setting up an appointment. from what i've read in and in between your words here i think there's a long way you need to go before you can move on.

on a practical level, why do you need to visit them anyway? so what if they keep on at you why you don't visit more. what's to stop you saying something along the lines of ''i'd rather surround myself with more positive people''? cause that's what you need to do by the sounds of it. the more you keep going back there expecting things to be different, the more you'll be dissappointed.

my CBT councellor keeps telling me to look at things as if you were advising a friend. so if your friend wrote all the things you've written in this thread, would you not advise them to stop going back to the house that holds so much pain for them? you really need to focus on getting these issues talked through with a proffessional i think, believe me it WILL make dealing with your family history easier.

Kebab

UpsetGirl my heart goes out to you. Can I ask who would be asking why aren't you spending more time at home? Do either of your parents ring you, or are you expected to ring them first? What do your brothers think, it sounds like they feel the same as you?

I can't empathise with your situation, but I can only imagine if it was me, once I got past the guilt of not spending time with your parents, I would just keep going with it and stay away from them.

They have done nothing to deserve your company or care or love or bothering with them. I think you need to put yourself first, you deserve to be happy and they just drag you down. They are toxic, and it does sound like things will never be resolved. Look after yourself for once.

Kx

Neyite

upset_girl wrote: »

she told me she was not maternal before she had me, and now that I am an adult, she wants to make herself the priority in life. that she was number 1. I dont mind this concept so much, I understand she went through a lot with her illness and wants to look after herself. The thing that hurt the most is that I went to her with one problem that I have struggled with for a long time and I was completely shot down. the statement about her not being maternal before having me really broke my heart. I essentially feel I was not wanted by either parent.

I dont know where to go from here.

So its all about them. It seems it always was really, dont you think? They had you all for whatever reason, reared you because they were obliged to, and were happy to see the back of you for long enough. Now in their twilight years with ill health and whatever they want the love, care and attention they never gave, somehow returned? If your mother becomes bedridden, would you be expected as the only girl to go home to nurse her, or cook for your dad? It sounds like they were lining you up for the role to be honest.

I didnt get on with one family member. They had chance after chance with me, and each time, took my olive branch and stomped on it. I came to the conclusion as an adult that I owed them nothing. That as an adult I have a right to be treated with respect. I didnt cut them out of my life, I just stopped trying to keep them in my life. I was civil and polite, congratulated good achievements etc but didnt emotionally invest.

Why bother with them? They dont deserve devotion purely by virtue of parenthood. I'd get very "busy" with work, and ring once a week, share very little with them of your life. You sound like you have a lot of love and compassion in you, why waste it on two ungratefuls?

So, where do you go from here? Back to the life you built from scratch and live it to the fullest -put selfish people on the periphery of that, and spend only the time you freely choose to spend on them. Refuse to feel guilty about that. Your parents should have realised you reap what you sow.

csi vegas

Piliger wrote: »

There is no solution to this kind of crap imho, having had a dire relationship with my father when I was younger.
I can only tell you that I have learned two things in the many years that have passed.
Firstly, some people are just absolutely sh1t parents.
They want to do the right thing deep down, but for some reason
- perhaps their own upbringing - they do all the wrong things and never ever realise it.
Some day you will probably discover that this underlies a lot of his behaviour.

Secondly I am not a great believer in deep discussions with him.
I believe some people are poisonous in our lives and the best solution is to get them out of our lives.
Pretending all is well is deeply poisonous and self destructive.
Some plain honesty is needed in your life.
I think you should stay away from him as much as you physically can do, and when you can't just tell him he has been a bastard to you and you don't want anything to do with him any more.
You have a life to lead. You only have one of them. Please don't let this drag you down any more. YOU need to fly. YOU need to live. YOU need to look after YOU. Their time is in the past.

My good God! I was about to reply to OP but you've just said EVERYTHING I would have, word for word. You definitely understand OP's situation, as I do too.

OP - if there's anything useful at all I could add to top that I would but I cant. Just know that there are many more out there like you, pining away for a childhood that never was and carrying the unbearable weight of sadness that one or both parents afflicted you with.

I think, like Piliger, you must either confront or break away.
Denial is far too destructive.
When you were a child you were helpless in that you could not speak, nobody would take you serious, you could not be heard and too physically small to confront them, nor could you escape.

But now, as an adult you can speak AND THEN you can walk away.
Remember, you didn't ask to be born.
They chose to marry, they chose to stay together.
One chose to abuse you and the other chose to turn the blind eye.
Now they need you? Tough! They are adults and they were adults when you were born.
You were their child and no matter how old you get, as long as they live you will always be a child to them - that is: easily manipulated and guilted into 'helping' them because that is what all bad parents do - they make you feel responsible to solve their every little woe, their unhappiness, their ill health and all at the expense of YOUR sanity. People like this just don't care. Parents? We ALL have them, but we don't all NEED them.

Best of luck OP, whatever you decide. Keep posting.

LegacyUser

thank you everyone for your words of advice, its so touching. also its quite strange how I can tell you all how I feel and you all understand, yet the people I grew up with reject me for having these feelings.

I've always tried to explain to my parents how their actions and words have caused me so much hurt and torment. Yet whenever I do, I am told I am selfish, ungrateful, argumentative and spiteful. Even the other day, my mother told me I am the most opinionated person she knows and I am "too smart for my own good". I've been coerced into behaving quietly at home and pretending to be the person my parents want me to be. I've asked myself if it was all my fault my whole life. maybe I am the selfish person? maybe I am the outcast of the family. maybe I am a monster.

I know on some fundamental level they dont love me and they wish I was a different person. One of my brothers will not talk about it. Its his way of dealing with it. The other lives away and the one I am closest to feels the same way I do, but for whatever reason didn't get as much crap from either parent. He does say though that my parents were way too harsh on me and that when I was at home, he worried I would do something stupid to myself in reaction to my parents behaviour toward me. But he also learned that the more I fought back, the worse my situation became so he learned to keep his mouth shut to avoid conflict.

I think you are all right in saying I should keep my distance. As a child I wanted them to love and protect me. i could have chased them to the end of the earth but it wouldn't have happened. I hope they one day realised the mistakes they have made and wish they had been better towards me, but I doubt it.

LegacyUser

you are NOT a monster.

you need to remember that it's typical abuser behaviour to blame their victim. 'they were asking for it' 'they deserved it' 'if they'd just shut up and done as i told them i wouldn't have hit them' and on and on. your mother's comment about you being too smart is exactly the kind of crap my mother used to come out with. it gives her an excuse for her behaviour. do NOT listen to it. it's what she's been telling herself to explain away how you were treated, and she's repeating it to you as a kind of brainwashing mechanism. don't believe it. it may be HER truth, but it's not THE truth. if you believe it, if you keep going back there and accepting the way they mistreat you and disrespect you, you let them win.

you were not a monster, you were a child that needed to be loved and nurtured and supported by you parents and they didn't do that. they're in the wrong. don't let them win. xx