Need some outside opinions...

Up-n-atom!

I've been starting to have some problems with my boyfriend of just over 8 months in recent weeks. We started out as housemates for a couple of months, started hanging out a lot, and one thing led to another. He's a couple of years younger than me, but not enough that you'd notice. We went into it with our eyes open, and decided that we'd take it slow, enjoy it and give each other our own space.

Things were great for the first 4 months or so (typical honeymoon period), but since the New Year things have been less than smooth sailing. He's not working full-time (and I do, and since he tends to go out in the evening/night time, we don't actually see as much of each other as you'd think) and I got frustrated with his lack of ambition and willingness to stay in bed most of the day. I'd pushed him to come on some little outings around town, which I thought were a fun thing to do together, but in the end he stopped coming with me on those too. He was getting increasingly frustrated with what he seen as my criticisms of him (which were meant to be helpful and constructive, but of course don't always come across that way). He also said that it seemed that all the fun had evaporated from our relationship, and that I wasn't the person I was when I met him. Which is true to a degree, I was more social and happier, but then I went out and did a lot of things (going to the cinema, etc) on my own. I understand now that I expected him to accompany me to stuff just because he was my boyfriend (rather than it was something of interest to him), but I had the best of intentions as I just wanted to share some nice moments and experiences with him. I'm trying to be more independent and to see my friends more so that I can maintain my own sense of self, but I guess I'm getting a bit more clingy (and I HATE it) because I sense he's pulling away from me (it's a vicious cycle).

Another problem is that he has depression. He has told me a number of times that he feels 'empty', that often things he should enjoy and people he likes loose their colour. He said this applies even to friends, family and to me, which hurt a lot. I know he can't help it, but I don't know what to do with this part of him. I opened up about my own depressive experiences (I've been depressed in the past but got through it, so I have coping mechanisms when I know a dark mood is coming on) and asked him about seeking help. He is very reluctant, as several of his family members (or partners) are on medication, and he is afraid that if he starts something like this that it will take him years to come off it (as he told me the withdrawal takes a long time). Counselling/therapy doesn't seem to interest him either. He said he has been feeling down for a while and can't see an end to it or see when he will be happy again. So really, he's not the same as the person I developed feelings for at the start either. I can't push him because it's his own choice in the end, and if I do it'll just be as bad as nagging, which he'll hate.

He's applied to go back to college to do another degree, which I hope will help him gain some purpose and motivation over the next few months, and help him find a way out of where he is now. But then again, he has expressed doubts one occasion about pursuing the field of study he's entering in to, as he feels that maybe he is choosing it as it's the only area he has work experience in.

The main thing is that I struggle to separate his feelings which arise from his depression and those which are arising from how he feels about our relationship. I feel that he feels that there is an end-date on our relationship, and he's just waiting for me to pull the plug. I want to go travelling again (not right now - I intend to return to study as well, but for a shorter period), and having gone alone in the past, would love to go and share the experience with someone who means something to me. However, he has lived abroad for several years and doesn't want to go again in the near future; he is absolutely certain about this. He has quite a low self-esteem and doesn't want to 'hold me back'. I have strong feelings for him and just want to try, whatever the future may hold, to enjoy 'us' again and to see what could happen; even if I do end up leaving him, or him me, I want to feel like I gave it a good shot. Recently, when I got upset about how things between us are, however, he also got upset and said that 'this always happens', (meaning he ends up making people feel like this) so what I'm going through has obviously happened to previous girlfriends of his. What upsets me more is that he said it like it's a given, rather than something he has some power to change. So I don't know if I'm delusional to want to try to continue this...

I realise I've just painted all the bad stuff about the relationship. Truely, he's a lovely, caring, sensitive guy who has his own quirky interests and who is generally very affectionate. When we are cuddled up together and away from the world there is no place I'm happier. We get on well with each others friends and families. When the 'real world' comes in (which is impossible to avoid), this seems to be where the problems start.