Am I losing it?

LegacyUser

I do not know where to begin and have not a clue what to do. I am a single lady of 35 years of age. I moved over to Ireland about 15 years ago and have settled here since. I work a decent job, travelled extensively throughout my life and been in some good relationships.

I do have great friends, wonderful colleagues and have the privilege and honour to help those that are in tremendous need. I take care of myself; I eat very well (cook everything from scratch) and exercise daily. I do participate in other volunteer activities and do get out and about as I am very social.

I do not want to sound condescending but I have had many experiences and have always been very mature for my age. My problem is that I feel that “I have been there” and “done that”. I am not sure what else to do and why I feel so unfulfilled. I have gone to uni to upgrade my education and take additional classes on the side that spark my interest. I always do something and participate in many activities that I enjoy. I do all of this because I want to live life to the fullest and love giving my time and help those that need it. Everything sounds great. But then why the hell do I feel lostand empty?

I have friends that think I need to find a man, settle down and things would change. I am not the type of person who needs to be in a relationship to feel whole. I have had boyfriends in the past and our relationships ended based on me not ready to settle down (too young at the time) to lack of compatibilty. Furthermore, I am not the kind of person who goes into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. In my opinion, marriage is not the end all, be all. I have relatives that never married (they never met the one) and they turned out fine. So I don't really care or have the fear of getting married or not, seriously.

I do not suffer from the classic case symptoms of depression . I am never lethargic, have no back or joint pain and am rarely sad or blue. I do work as psych nurse and I would hope to dear God I know what depression is. Maybe I am so used to diagnosing others and cannot even see it for myself....who knows? I have no issues with my self esteem or have feelings of worthlessness. I am really lost for words and am not sure what exactly is happening with me. I am certainly not disappointed with my life and have no regrets to whatever decisions I made. I really do not know what is going on and why I feel this way. I live a very productive life so far. Has anyone felt this way? What is going on with me? Please any insight would be appreciated....even if it is a kick up the ar*se!

neuro-praxis

Not all will agree with me, but I believe there is a spiritual element to every human being. Perhaps a little spiritual searching might be fruitful for you. Maybe walk the camino and have a think on the Big Questions.

I am a friend

It all sounds, as you describe it, quite clinical. Do you feel emotional about the various aspects of your life?

Ickle Magoo

Granted that feelings can get lost in translation but I'm not hearing any passion in your post OP...the language you use "decent job", "good relationships", "honour in helping others" - it all sounds a bit flat and dutiful.

I think you need to take some time to find out why you do feel empty and unfulfilled; maybe try meditation, writing a journal or even speaking about it with a third party. You are clearly feeling that way for a reason and while a good life and lack of issues is something to be thankful for - sometimes we just want more.

All the best, OP. :cool:

Terrontress

I'm just wondering if there is any relevance to your first two points being about your age and your relationship status.

I know it seems you have lived life to the fullest you can so age is not an issue and you sound sensible enough not to enter a relationship just for the sake of being in one.

I'm not qualified to comment but found that interesting.

up for anything

It seems to me that it's not depression but boredom. You're bored, plain and simple. Everybody has times like that and it's usually when life is ticking along without any huge highs or lows.

Maybe it's time to make a big change in your life. Job, country, social life - anything that will stop the boredom. Take a different type of holiday. Whatever sparks your interest! I know that empty lost feeling well but unfortunately for me I can do nothing about it for the moment. It sounds though like you can and should.

Sit down and pretend you are going to die this time next year and write a bucket list of all the things you want to do before you die be they big, small, silly, frivolous and start ticking them off. Most of all have fun doing them.

girl2

I actually have to agree with other posters here. My initial thought was that your post sounded incredibly matter of fact and, as described by another poster, clinical. I think another poster could be spot on when they're saying you've lost a spiritual element and this might be a route you would want to explore.

You appear I have done all the right things, great job, education, etc., however when it comes down to the crunch, you're not happy, these things clearly do not make you happy - otherwise you wouldn't be on here posting.

While you say that you have a good job, working in the mental health industry can often have a very detrimental effect on people and a lot of the time people can't see that as they're on the thick of it. It can make people be cynical and see the world through eyes different to those of people who haven't ever worked in those kinds of environments.

It sounds like you could really do with some fun, and maybe even take yourself on a bit of a journey to find yourself.

Hope it works out for you op.

daisybelle2008

The spiritual path may interest you. The spirituality forum here on boards has loads of recommendations for what's available I.e books, YouTube etc.

lace

Hi OP!

I think it could well be that you've done so much and accomplished lots of things other people work towards for years that you're now left feeling like that's it. I know it sounds like you've been there and done that with everything but the world is such a big place and people and experiences are so varied that there will always be something new out there!

I think the first thing to do would be to speak to your friends/colleagues about how you're feeling (bored, want something new etc). Perhaps another of your friends is experiencing this feeling too and may have some ideas for the two of you? Maybe someone could help you to compile a list of challenges for one another? It sounds like you may need to go way out of your comfort zone, do something mad and discover something new.

You could try some yoga/meditation or any kind of spiritual stuff really. I don't know much about it, but it's something a lot of people get a great sense of peace and fulfillment from so it may be worth reading up on things like that. Take time to yourself to consider what it is you really want from life. Is there any one achievement you'd like to accomplish? Whether it's that you really want to start a charity to reach out to a neglected group or experience skydiving or learn to speak mandarin, there must be something you'd really like to do? Would you consider taking a volunteering holiday (like lion preservation or teaching orphans or saving orangutans)? If you love charity work perhaps it would be good to find a new way to help?

Also - there's an "Expand Your Horizons" thread here on Boards - starting a thread there or having a sift through might be a start

kingofthenerds

im not trying to be smart or anything but you might just need a ride

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your time with the replies and feedback, they are greatly appreciated. My post does sound “matter of fact”. I tend to express myself in an analytical sense.

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Perhaps a little spiritual searching might be fruitful for you.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

The spiritual path may interest you. The spirituality forum here on boards has loads of recommendations for what's available I.e books, YouTube etc.

I will look into the Spirituality forum as I did lose my connection. I think it comes down to the fact that I lost my respect for the church and I think I am “taking it out” on God.

I am a friend wrote: »

It all sounds, as you describe it, quite clinical. Do you feel emotional about the various aspects of your life?

I tend to communicate myself in an analytical way which comes across as “cold and distant”. It is not that I did not feel emotions it’s more that I have "desensitised" from them. Some things about my life that have been sad, I would feel sad over now I feel nothing even though I know it's sad. Do you get what I mean?

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Granted that feelings can get lost in translation but I'm not hearing any passion in your post OP...the language you use "decent job", "good relationships", "honour in helping others" - it all sounds a bit flat and dutiful.

I think you need to take some time to find out why you do feel empty and unfulfilled; maybe try meditation, writing a journal or even speaking about it with a third party. You are clearly feeling that way for a reason and while a good life and lack of issues is something to be thankful for - sometimes we just want more.

All the best, OP. :cool:

Your post does stick out a bit. Journalling was something that we were taught to do in nursing school as a way to vent as well as "document". I stopped for a while and got back into it when I moved here. I decided to read some of my older entries. My God has my tone changed. My later entries look more like clinical notations than a diary. I will delve further and see why the change.

Terrontress wrote: »

I'm just wondering if there is any relevance to your first two points being about your age and your relationship status.

I put that on there to see if others in the same age group/status were experiencing the same thing.

up for anything wrote: »

It seems to me that it's not depression but boredom.

Maybe it's time to make a big change in your life. Job, country, social life - anything that will stop the boredom.

Sit down and pretend you are going to die this time next year and write a bucket list of all the things you want to do before you die be they big, small, silly, frivolous and start ticking them off. Most of all have fun doing them.

lace wrote: »

Hi OP!

I think it could well be that you've done so much and accomplished lots of things other people work towards for years that you're now left feeling like that's it. I know it sounds like you've been there and done that with everything but the world is such a big place and people and experiences are so varied that there will always be something new out there!

I think the first thing to do would be to speak to your friends/colleagues about how you're feeling (bored, want something new etc).

You could try some yoga/meditation or any kind of spiritual stuff really.

Also - there's an "Expand Your Horizons" thread here on Boards - starting a thread there or having a sift through might be a start

It may be boredom, I don't think packing up and leaving would solve things and I don't want to get into a situation where I am using a band-aid solution instead of working on the wound. I actually have done this in the past and this is how I ended up in Ireland in the first place. I spoke to my closest friends and they think a bf or settling down (arghhhhh!)would change things and don't understand why I would feel this way; seeing that I have a good job, very active socially and travel(?) They think that if you have it all what's wrong then? My most trusted colleagues think it's just a phase that will go away. The thing is that it is making me uncomfortable and I have decided to post this to get other people's perspectives on this who don't know me on a personal level.

I actually do yoga for the stretching and exercise. I can't get myself into the spirituality of it and fall asleep during “savasana”.

I will do the "bucket list". I actually tried it out after I watched the film. I accomplished a few things on my list but then stopped. I think I felt ridiculous doing it because I have my health and accomplished most of what I wanted and just said the heck with it! But now thinking about it, everyone needs to do one because life is short. I will look into the "Expand Your Horizons" forum for new and more ideas. Thanks for that one.

girl2 wrote: »

While you say that you have a good job, working in the mental health industry can often have a very detrimental effect on people and a lot of the time people can't see that as they're on the thick of it. It can make people be cynical and see the world through eyes different to those of people who haven't ever worked in those kinds of environments.

It sounds like you could really do with some fun, and maybe even take yourself on a bit of a journey to find yourself.

Hope it works out for you op.

Work most likely pays a huge role in all of this. I have many friends over the years that have left this profession altogether, there are some that have succumbed to drugs and alcohol and I lost a couple of colleagues to suicide.

I do like what I do and could not imagine working in anything else. I took a holiday for a month last year and could not wait to get back to work that's how much I missed it. I am very lucky to work in something that I really like. Most of my friends I know from childhood and that I met here changed their careers at least 3 times! My friends that left the profession have always commented that there is no other work that has the same level of team work as in the health profession and the versatality where you can change positions or departments relatively easy. They left only because it wasn't in them and it's not for everyone which most understand that.

I do admit psychiatric nursing is a different kettle of fish. Maybe it is time to change the population I work with. Anyone would be amazed at the difference between working with autistics versus schizophrenics or catatonics. It would change anyone’s outlook for the more positive or into the more negative.

kingofthenerds wrote: »

im not trying to be smart or anything but you might just need a ride

LOL OMG after reading everyone's (serious) posts and then yours that is so simple and blunt. I actually laughed so hard my tea went all over the place! Thanks a lot!

I thought sex would do something and did sleep with a guy last week that I have known for quite some time. I feel bad because I knew he had feelings for me and I basically used him, so I never want to do that again. I don't have casual sex like that and thought what the hell. I do admit that sex is great for stress relief but does sh*te for the emptiness category. It can make things worse not better sometimes. Hence, this why I get annoyed when people think relationships solve problems when they may add to them.