Late twenties crisis???

LegacyUser

Right - this is going to sound a bit daft because I'm not exactly sure what type of advice I'm looking for but here it goes:

I seem to be going through a bit of a wild phase at the moment. I'm 28, have never really been in a proper relationship and in the last year or so every night I'm out seems to be filled with drama. Either I'm falling around drunk or I'm kissing incredibly inappropriate people. Or both. I was away for a bit travelling around and I'm finding it awful hard to settle back into 'normal' everyday life. I thought I'd got all this madness out of my system when I was younger, because I had my fair share of boys back then and by the time I'd finished college for the first few years after I could count the guys I kissed on one hand. And I certainly didn't sleep with someone for ages.

I would like to settle down and meet a nice guy and I know I'm going completely the wrong way about it because given the choice between someone who's falling all round the place hammered and someone who isn't I know who I'd be more attracted to!

I've always been a bit of a party girl and I'm well able to keep the party going till the early hours of the morning, but instead of just being a bit of craic I seem to be getting myself into stupid situations now and at this stage I'm starting to worry that it's a bit pathetic. I mean it'd be different if I was saying 'I had a great night' every time I go out as opposed to 'Oh my God, what happened/what did I do?'

I suppose I'm just wondering has anyone else gone through a late 'mad' phase like this and how did you stop it?

_dublinlad_

Stop drinking so much when you go out, set yourself a limit - stick to it. Simple.

I am a friend

My friends who continued their mad phase into their late 20's are still at it 10/15 years later.... Do you want to live that life?

jellygems

im 30 and i culd be saying what u are now

actually im still embarrassed from sat night cos someone filmed me and my frnd falling around drunk,

i was doing great setting myself a limit of drink so ill be going back to doing that or giving up

daisybelle2008

I don't think you can force yourself to stop a mad phase, you tend to find other interests that mean you drink less or the hangover payoff becomes too much. I would not worry about it too much. I think the more you try to supress it through guilt and shame the more it becomes a problem. I would try to find social outlets, sports and hobbies that revolve less around drink and give more time to that. When your life feels full and busy, drink becomes less important. Usually the drinking too much is masking an unhappiness, removing it does not fix the problem. Finding other interests may help with the settling back phase you are finding difficult.

Eve_Dublin

When you're heading out and you're not having the craic anymore, then it's time to cut down. The partying itself is not a problem but the amount of alcohol you're drinking is but you already know that. Cut down. Bring out a limited amount of cash so that you can buy you a certain amount of drinks, maybe avoid cocktails and spirits and stick to bottles of beer and pace yourself.

I've gone through wild phases but I enjoyed it. Didn't drink myself into oblivion and rarely woke up regretting what I might've said and done. That's the difference. Just cut down on the booze.

What in the name of God am I at?

What in the name of God am I at? wrote: »

I've always been a bit of a party girl and I'm well able to keep the party going till the early hours of the morning, but instead of just being a bit of craic I seem to be getting myself into stupid situations now and at this stage I'm starting to worry that it's a bit pathetic. I mean it'd be different if I was saying 'I had a great night' every time I go out as opposed to 'Oh my God, what happened/what did I do?'

This struck a chord with me because I've done a lot of thinking about this recently regarding myself. This may or may not apply to you, but it might be food for thought:

OP, you're doing the exact same things you did in your late teens/early 20s. They were great craic then, but now you're older and you can see the consequences of your actions more, it not longer becomes great craic, and becomes an embarrassment.

On nights out sometimes now I behave as I did in my early 20s. Never once was I embarrassed about my behaviour then, but now, with older friends, and people maturing, it's just mortifying. The solution is simple, and we both need to take this advice: Cop on, and cut down on the drinking.

BurnTheRain

Under what you are saying you really sound like you are enjoying yourself. You also sound like you know it's just not right.

I think Daisybelle is right. If you force yourself to stop for the sake of stopping, you may end up in more trouble than if you carry on.

I would suggest counselling. Yeah I know it sounds drastic - personally I think it should be compulsory for everyone. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You know there is something funny going on, or you wouldn't be posting about it. For that you need to give yourself a good pat on the back. Most others in your situation would more than likely just ignore it and hope it goes away.

That said, go to the counselling and maybe get some answers. Then maybe your behavior will change. Maybe not. Also take up skydiving. Maybe you just have the kind of personality that needs the 'rush'.

Most of all, don't be too hard on yourself. But definitely trust your instincts.

R.D. aka MR.D

Don't know if i can offer any proper advice but this kind of thing normal happens to me when i have some underlying problem. For example i haven't been able to go out and have a non-messy night since a good friend died suddenly last year. Everytime I drink it turns into a blackout so I just don't drink anymore.

It has happened to me in the past when worried or annoyed about something that i couldn't put my finger on and i've stopped and started again slowly many a month later sometimes I feel better again.

So maybe your not really happy in your life at the moment and you can take steps to get back on track?

Wompa1

Think you gotta cut out the booze. It's tough to do in Ireland in fairness, for the first while I wouldn't go to a pub or on a night out.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice! I was actually surprised to see so many positive replies I was expecting to get lambasted for being a drunk idiot!

I know myself I've not been happy the last while - I suppose it's a vicious circle. I'm not happy because I'm lonely and I wouldn't mind settling down with someone and growing up a bit. Most of friends are getting there but I feel so far behind and like I'm missing out on so much now at this stage because I don't have that other person to share stuff with and I don't get to do the more sensible stuff because all my friends are doing all that with their OH. So I drink a bit too much to get around it on nights out. Sometimes I actually feel like I bolster them a bit because at least after a night out with me - it'll prob be a good bit of craic but they'll go home feeling so much better about themselves when it's the opposite for me.

I know I need to cut it down, I do feel a bit better now after reading all this, I just need to try and be more careful on nights out, I think that's the first step anyway!!

LegacyUser

I'm going though a similar wild phase myself only I'm 30. I've always been a party animal but I just seem to have been taking things up a gear in recent years. I rarely find myself in situations where I can't remember what I did on a given night or find myself regreting doing or saying something incredibly stupid. I drink a lot but I feel I can handle it better than most people though I've been doing class A drugs very regularly over the last 2 years, something I hardly ever did in my early 20s. Somewhat paradoxically I'm quite fit and active during the week and I manage to eat healthily.

My partying hasn't got in the way of my love-life. I've been in a relationship for 2 years and am happy with it for the most part. From what you're saying, you seem to worried that your current wildness is getting in the way of your prospects of finding a partner and being happy with them? I'm not going to offer any advice on how to be a party animal and have a meaningful relationship. I'm going to relate my experiences to you in a different way.

For me, I find partying and having fun (not always involving alcohol etc.) has dominated my FOCUS and PRIORITIES. I've been living in the same town for a number of years and I know that I'll only ever advance my career and get out of the rut I'm in if I move to a big city. But - my decision to say has hinged on my desire to be around my friends and the various scenes I'm involved in. The question for both of us seems to be can we have our cake and eat it. For me, I know that achieving other goals will involve radical changes. What action I take is going to depend on how much I want these things. Even thinking about this is hard, very hard. The prospect of leaving your lifestyle behind is difficult to deal with. You may know deep down that the happiness you get from it is superficial but your mind tends to focus on the really good times. But here's where we may diverge: for me it's a question of physically leaving where I am and leaving it all behind so I can focus on other goals. For you, it seems you can get what you want if you just take things down a gear (I don't know everything about your circumstances of course). But it's Easier said than done. I know I'm extremely lucky to be going out with someone who can keep up with me. I know that at our age, such individuals can be hard to find. Have you ever tried to take thing down a gear, if even for a few weeks or months??

I think we're both defying expectations of what people in their late 20s/early 30 are supposed to do and are supposed to behave. Having fun like we do is not necessarily a bad thing in itself but natrually, there's going to be a bit of personal unease and guilt with going against the grain. You have a vague sense that society is judging you but equally, you might be getting some very real criticism from say parents and friends. How do you yourself deal with these feelings?

I am a friend

SOMETHING_SIMILAR wrote: »

For me, I find partying and having fun (not always involving alcohol etc.) has dominated my FOCUS and PRIORITIES.

surely you mean the drugs have dominated your focus and priorities??

amacca

What in the name of God am I at? wrote: »

I know myself I've not been happy the last while - I suppose it's a vicious circle. I'm not happy because I'm lonely and I wouldn't mind settling down with someone and growing up a bit. Most of friends are getting there but I feel so far behind and like I'm missing out on so much now at this stage because I don't have that other person to share stuff with and I don't get to do the more sensible stuff because all my friends are doing all that with their OH.

I could have written that piece of your post particularly the bit about being left behind...my way of dealing with it involved not bothering to go out anymore as tbh I only enjoyed going out when my friends were around (and even then I had to get fairly hammered to really enjoy myself) and when many had moved on etc I found clubs etc to be very depressing places for the most part...wish I could offer you some advice but I'll stick to wishing you good luck working it out and saying that its probably not a bad thing you're still going out as long as you find a way to reduce the alcohol intake as others have said.

The favourite

What in the name of God am I at? wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice! I was actually surprised to see so many positive replies I was expecting to get lambasted for being a drunk idiot!

I know myself I've not been happy the last while - I suppose it's a vicious circle. I'm not happy because I'm lonely and I wouldn't mind settling down with someone and growing up a bit. Most of friends are getting there but I feel so far behind and like I'm missing out on so much now at this stage because I don't have that other person to share stuff with and I don't get to do the more sensible stuff because all my friends are doing all that with their OH. So I drink a bit too much to get around it on nights out. Sometimes I actually feel like I bolster them a bit because at least after a night out with me - it'll prob be a good bit of craic but they'll go home feeling so much better about themselves when it's the opposite for me.

I know I need to cut it down, I do feel a bit better now after reading all this, I just need to try and be more careful on nights out, I think that's the first step anyway!!

You've actually just put my life into words right there & I'm the same age as you.Have no good advise to give but can only say I know exactly what you're going through especially since a lot of my friends that are the same age as me are sttling down,so I'm going out with a younger crowd (24-25) & still doin what I was doing at their age.I don't think its something you can just stop doing especially when it's been habit for so long,I personally think something has to click to make you want to stop which hopefully isn't hitting rock bottom,but that is just me. But also at the same time don't feel pressured by what everyone is doing,that is settling down etc,everyones path is different so do what feels right for you.

HenryChinaski

I tend to drop in and out of phases like that. I recently came to admit that I have a strong tendency toward alcoholism and while I've no intention of giving up the drink I know I have to watch out for it. I think you could be in the same boat but I wouldn't suggest that you worry too much about it. I really don't think there's anything too wrong with going out and getting blind drunk as long as you don't harm anybody and that you can live with the shameovers. At 28 you're still young and you shouldn't be worrying that you're the only person your age who's up to the same old craic. It's a shame there aren't many other things to do but the simple fact is we live in a drinking culture and we enable each other to do it. I've done the travelling bit aswell and when you spend an extended period of time out partying and meeting new people you develop a taste for it. And then when you come back and you're single it's pretty hard to sit in and do nothing. I think that you'll meet the right person when the time is right. As long as you're doing something productive in your day to day, you should continue to enjoy being single and pay no mind to what anyone else thinks.

LegacyUser

Honestly, I can't believe how many people are in the same boat. It makes me feel a bit less lonely to think that I'm not the only one out there who feels a bit like they're 'playing' grown up and the wild phase isn't necesarily over yet!!

This past weekend I was out Friday and Saturday night, and while Friday was still a wild night and Saturday was still a 6.30 in the morning affair I managed to not create any type of drama. Thank God. There was potential to kiss a couple of highly inappropriate lads on Friday night (work and previous flame) and although I was kind of hanging about contemplating it, in the end I walked away.

It's been a while since I went on a night out (Sat) and was sober throughout (can't take credit for being overly responsible here, I was drinking I just couldn't get drunk after the night before) and it was eye opening. I was chatted up on 4 separate occasions by fairly nice lads, I managed to have sensible conversations with people AND get up at a reasonalbe hour on Sunday and do stuff.

I think I needed this weekend to prove that I'm capable of behaving like an adult too and I can have a great weekend without the need for conversations all day Sunday with all my friends lamenting 'the fear' and freaking out about what I did or what I can't remember. It'd be easy to blame it all on not being able to handle my drink but I have to say I think I set out with a mindset this weekend and I stuck to it even on Friday night when I was after a skinful. It's given me a bit of hope to be honest.

LegacyUser

Oh my god, this is hilarious! I went through a phase like that a while back as well! I couldn't believe how I was behaving! I was supposed to be a responsible grown up but I just felt like I was playing at it! In fairness I'd been made redundant and got dumped within a few weeks of each other but I just went wild! It was as if I was trying to claim back my late teens! I was out all the time, dating loads of guys and partying. The whole oh my god, what have I done! I calmed down a bit but ended up hiring a life coach which was probably the best decision I ever made! Apparently this whole twenty something crisis is normal now, especially for women! I don;t regret any of the hairy situations I got myself into, I think I needed it to be honest but the swift kick up the ass and figuring out what I really wanted was exactly what I needed to get back on track! I'm a well adjusted adult-ish person now!

dana12345

Your story describes an underlying loneliness, boredom and sexual frustration combined. In order to entertain yourself and feel attractive, you drink heavily. I know this because I have been there.

I just completed this phase and I'm 28. For all of my "young adult" life, I've been a partier. Everyone was equally drunk back in the day and nobody cared. These days, those same people who would dance drunkenly on tables, are now looking at you like you have a mental problem. People pass judgements...it's unfair, but they do.

Since college ended, it's been a gradual loss of friends...friends moving away, friends losing touch, me working isolated jobs that provide no social outlet, etc. To make matters worse, I'm single. It's depressing to watch everyone I know getting married, buying homes, getting pregnant...even the ones who aren't married are always going to events or traveling with their significant others. I feel like I am missing out on life...

Last year, my hormones went through the roof and I was also binge drinking. Talk about a loss of inhibitions. I was a mess...hitting on guys, kissing strangers, blacking out...causing the few friends I have left to feel angry or concerned. Some of the things I did really scared me...so, I reformed myself.

I still drink (and still go out on occasion), but I prefer to keep the drinking at home and in moderation. I quit liquor...too many blackouts. I only buy enough beer to get a buzz (not drunk). I spend 80-90% of every week completely sober and I'm much happier. No drunken regrets. Try it!