How to deal with slut rumors?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I would like a bit of advice of my situation please:

I was out over the weekend having a few drinks in the local late bar with my younger sister. Actually bit of backround first: We are both early twenties and often head out together because most of our friends are not from the area. Because of this there are a few groups of fellas we would hang around with on nights out if we saw them out but would not really consider them "friends".

Anyway over a year ago I had a little thing going with one particular guy and I turned down sex but did him another favour instead. Months and months after this I slept with the same guy while drunk. I've regretted all this because he turned out to be an ass.

Another night when I was really drunk his friend having heard stories ended up leading me down an alley and trying to get his way with me. Although really drunk I came to my senses and ran. I was really, really upset about this!

Needless to say I stopped hanging around with this group when I was out and tried to get on with it.

Anyway at the weekend I was out chatting when a mutual friend came over (I've known him years) and mentioned that another friend of the asshole brigade had been saying I had done him a few ahem "oral favours" and was it true? I also found out the alley lad had fabricated his story to something of the same or more. I haven't found out all of that yet.

Obviously I was angry and upset. I found the lad who had made the story completely up and gave out to him and asked what did he think he was playing at? He wouldn't even admit to spreading rumours. The alley man wasn't in the group when this was said but made some smart comments at me as he passed. Also he groped me during the night prior to this.

It's a small town and everyone has heard these stories. All the men my age think I'm easy and are calling me a slut. I'm actually a joke to a lot of people right now!

The one lad I did actually have something to do with actually apologised for believing the rumours. I'm still angry with him because if he hadn't said anything in the first place none of this would have happened.

I'm ashamed to go out in my local town again because of these rumours and I haven't even done anything the least bit slutty. How to I get my name back out of the mud and let people know I'm not really a slut?

jubella

You and the people close to you know the truth, so don't mind what other people think. Steer clear of those lads from now on, and it'll all blow over soon.

It's up to you what you want to do with people and who you want to do it with, it's really no one else's business. As for the guys thinking you're "easy", they'll obviously find out they're wrong when you turn them down!

Just keep your head held high, don't let it bring you down, and you'll soon show everyone you've kept your dignity and class.

StephenHendry

fakeslut89 wrote: »

Hi everyone. I would like a bit of advice of my situation please:

I was out over the weekend having a few drinks in the local late bar with my younger sister. Actually bit of backround first: We are both early twenties and often head out together because most of our friends are not from the area. Because of this there are a few groups of fellas we would hang around with on nights out if we saw them out but would not really consider them "friends".

Anyway over a year ago I had a little thing going with one particular guy and I turned down sex but did him another favour instead. Months and months after this I slept with the same guy while drunk. I've regretted all this because he turned out to be an ass.

Another night when I was really drunk his friend having heard stories ended up leading me down an alley and trying to get his way with me. Although really drunk I came to my senses and ran. I was really, really upset about this!

Needless to say I stopped hanging around with this group when I was out and tried to get on with it.

Anyway at the weekend I was out chatting when a mutual friend came over (I've known him years) and mentioned that another friend of the asshole brigade had been saying I had done him a few ahem "oral favours" and was it true? I also found out the alley lad had fabricated his story to something of the same or more. I haven't found out all of that yet.

Obviously I was angry and upset. I found the lad who had made the story completely up and gave out to him and asked what did he think he was playing at? He wouldn't even admit to spreading rumours. The alley man wasn't in the group when this was said but made some smart comments at me as he passed. Also he groped me during the night prior to this.

It's a small town and everyone has heard these stories. All the men my age think I'm easy and are calling me a slut. I'm actually a joke to a lot of people right now!

The one lad I did actually have something to do with actually apologised for believing the rumours. I'm still angry with him because if he hadn't said anything in the first place none of this would have happened.

I'm ashamed to go out in my local town again because of these rumours and I haven't even done anything the least bit slutty. How to I get my name back out of the mud and let people know I'm not really a slut?

i know this sounds a bit simplistic but i think OP you should avoid this group of lads as they all appear to have let you down in some way or the other, some a lot worse than others. i come from a small town myself and i know what this is like, in a small place its so easy from rumours to spread very quickly and it can be make going out feel very uncomfortable for you. i mean if you spoke to to some of those people, they would probably keep denying everything so maybe its best to give them a wide berth

SunnyDub1

Ignore them - easier said then done, but try focus on something else.


People who start stuff like that simply have nothing better in their lives going on. You know the truth so all you can do for now is deny it and move on.

Focus on the people/Friends who trust/believe you and don't react to the other clowns, stay away from them and don't go to the same pub has them.


In the mean time maybe try join a new group and stay away from the vicious crowd.

and remember Karma is a bitch

curlzy

fakeslut89 wrote: »

Another night when I was really drunk his friend having heard stories ended up leading me down an alley and trying to get his way with me. Although really drunk I came to my senses and ran. I was really, really upset about this!

The alley man wasn't in the group when this was said but made some smart comments at me as he passed. Also he groped me during the night prior to this.

Have you considered calling the gardaí? Groping is sexual assault and the gardaí could also have a word with these men about defamation of character. Where are you from? It sounds like that place in Kerry where they lined up to shake the hand of a sex offender after he was sentenced. If it is like that I'd be bringing them into this century by pressing charges.

Benincasa

Hi OP:

Getting "really drunk" seems to be a common theme here. Perhaps it might be best to knock that on the head.

iguana

Benincasa wrote: »

Hi OP:

Getting "really drunk" seems to be a common theme here. Perhaps it might be best to knock that on the head.

In the story outlined in the OP, she got "really drunk" once and drunk one other night over a year ago, hardly a recurring theme.

NoobSaibot5

In my own experience I've been called slut countless times before. Guys have even avoided me because they've heard fabricated stories of my alleged sex life. I won't deny though that I do have a high sex drive and I like to hook up from time to time, I'm only human.

The way I dealt with it though was laugh it off. If people made a remark calling me a skank or a slut I'd just say something witty and act like it didn't phase me at all. I didn't react the way people wanted me to over it, so they eventually got bored of it. You'll get the odd person who's persistant and believes what they hear (because quite frankly, they're as thick as two planks) but so long as you yourself know your not what people say you are, feck them! Just be confident with who you are and don't be bothered by what they have to say. They're clearly just bored, lifeless arseholes with nothing going for them in their own personal lives.

gypsy_rose

So, what, you rejected them or didn't give them what they wanted and they then make up rumours about you being easy? Pathetic. Not that there's anything wrong with being "easy", but it's not nice when people say you've done things you haven't, especially with people you don't even like! As others have said, your friends know the truth and anyone who judges you without talking to you is not worth knowing in my opinion. Make sure to give a good scream in public the next time that lad tries to grope you, he won't try it again.

They really sound like they need to get a life to be honest, obviously aren't able to get women easily.

Benincasa

iguana wrote: »

In the story outlined in the OP, she got "really drunk" once and drunk one other night over a year ago, hardly a recurring theme.

Getting really drunk has been the key reason for these problems as far as I can see. The OP slept with the guy when drunk and regrets it; she also almost got date raped in an alleyway when she was "really drunk".

Being really drunk certainly seems to me to be central to the behaviour that ultimately resulted in the rumours that she complains of.

daisybelle2008

Op, forget about it, it is completely a reflection on them. The word slut only has power if people give it value. By that, I mean using it as an insult and/or getting offended about being called it. You are giving these chimpanzees opinions too much credit by being insulted. Don't let them rent space in your head.
It really is a meaningless term, and can only offend you if you let it. I mean for gods sake one of the guys tried to forcefully assault you while you were drunk, and you are upset about the name calling.

iguana

Benincasa wrote: »

Being really drunk certainly seems to me to be central to the behaviour that ultimately resulted in the rumours that she complains of.

No, the behaviour of a bunch of immature 'lads' are central to the rumours she complains of.

leggo

Benincasa wrote: »

Getting really drunk has been the key reason for these problems as far as I can see. The OP slept with the guy when drunk and regrets it; she also almost got date raped in an alleyway when she was "really drunk".

Being really drunk certainly seems to me to be central to the behaviour that ultimately resulted in the rumours that she complains of.

There's nothing wrong with being intimate with someone, even while drunk, even if you regret it in hindsight.

And she didn't do anything the second time, the rumours were completely fabricated.

There's a disturbing trend that when a woman befalls some unfortunate consequences, they somehow actually 'deserved' it by doing something wrong. OP has done nothing wrong but behave like a normal young woman. In fact, she's been quite sensible from what I can see by ditching the group of 'friends', having nothing further to do with the first lad after she saw his true colours and getting away from the second guy when he tried it on with her...all the while being drunk. That's not the behaviour of a 'slut' (which is a ridiculous, harsh term as is), that's the behaviour of a person with their head screwed on who is fallible like the rest of us.

People are fickle OP, their perceptions of others change to suit their own warped views on life. Unfortunately the only real option you have to 'beat' them is to rise above these rumours, because they'll think what they like anyway and obviously make up stuff even if you don't do anything. They're very immature and the fact you've a lick of sense shows that you're alreading 'beating' them in the game of life. Just carry on being you, keep your real friends who know who you are close and get on with things. Letting them see that they're getting them will only validate their childish behaviour. And, though it might seem unbearable now, give it a while and the rumours will subside when everyone realises they're clearly untrue.

Benincasa

iguana wrote: »

No, the behaviour of a bunch of immature 'lads' are central to the rumours she complains of.

Yes, this is correct Iguana, but it is also correct to say that the rumours originated as a result of the behaviour of the OP while she was drunk. Perhaps these losers would still tell lies even if she hadn't engaged in various sexual acts with the first guy, who knows? In any event, drunkenness has played a not insignificant role here.

Benincasa

leggo wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with being intimate with someone, even while drunk, even if you regret it in hindsight.

And she didn't do anything the second time, the rumours were completely fabricated.

There's a disturbing trend that when a woman befalls some unfortunate consequences, they somehow actually 'deserved' it by doing something wrong. OP has done nothing wrong but behave like a normal young woman. In fact, she's been quite sensible from what I can see by ditching the group of 'friends', having nothing further to do with the first lad after she saw his true colours and getting away from the second guy when he tried it on with her...all the while being drunk. That's not the behaviour of a 'slut' (which is a ridiculous, harsh term as is), that's the behaviour of a person with their head screwed on who is fallible like the rest of us.

People are fickle OP, their perceptions of others change to suit their own warped views on life. Unfortunately the only real option you have to 'beat' them is to rise above these rumours, because they'll think what they like anyway and obviously make up stuff even if you don't do anything. They're very immature and the fact you've a lick of sense shows that you're alreading 'beating' them in the game of life. Just carry on being you, keep your real friends who know who you are close and get on with things. Letting them see that they're getting them will only validate their childish behaviour. And, though it might seem unbearable now, give it a while and the rumours will subside when everyone realises they're clearly untrue.

OP - I never said that the OP deserved any bad treatment. If you are suggesting that that's my opinion you are quite wrong.

However, it remains true that we must all be self-aware when it comes to any of our behaviours and habits that lead us into dangerous situations, and take the necessary steps to ensure we don't repeat the same mistakes in the future.

leggo

Unless you've just gone on a whopping tangent with your second paragraph, then it follows that you feel that the OP hasn't been self-aware when it comes to her behaviour and habits and led herself into a dangerous situation. Thus, the implication is that the OP is partly to blame. They're your words, though you may not like them being put back to you in that fashion to confront the reality of what you're saying. That is still what you're saying.

OP has done nothing wrong. These malicious rumours began after she made a sensible decision in spite of being drunk. It seems like you have an axe to grind with alcohol here but you've really picked an irrelevant place and time to do so.

iguana

Benincasa wrote: »

Yes, this is correct Iguana, but it is also correct to say that the rumours originated as a result of the behaviour of the OP while she was drunk. Perhaps these losers would still tell lies even if she hadn't engaged in various sexual acts with the first guy, who knows? In any event, drunkenness has played a not insignificant role here.

No it isn't. They told lies. Her behaviour is completely and utterly irrelevant as that isn't what has been spread around, complete fabrications are.

Let me guess, small town, 'down the country'?? Typical town mentality, it drives me mental!

Listen OP, even IF you did have sex with both guys, it wouldn't make you a slut. Sex is sex, and having sex or even giving oral to two guys does not make you promiscuous. The fact these guys are spreading rumours about you just shows what scumbags they are, and you should just stay away from them. Try not to get drunk in their presence, and in future ALWAYS ignore them. Never rise to the bait, never acknowledge them, never get angry, never throw a dirty look - just behave like they're not even there. If other people ask you about the rumours, don't argue your corner, just simply say "They're lying, it's not true" and let that be that.

Crap like this happens in your early 20s, and in a few years these lads won't even be a tiny blip on your radar. Rise above it and be the bigger person. It WILL blow over, trust me.

woodoo

I think you need to call the 2nd guy out in public as a liar. In front of his friends. People will believe you especially since you aren't calling the first guy a liar.

Benincasa

leggo wrote: »

Unless you've just gone on a whopping tangent with your second paragraph, then it follows that you feel that the OP hasn't been self-aware when it comes to her behaviour and habits and led herself into a dangerous situation. Thus, the implication is that the OP is partly to blame. They're your words, though you may not like them being put back to you in that fashion to confront the reality of what you're saying. That is still what you're saying.

OP has done nothing wrong. These malicious rumours began after she made a sensible decision in spite of being drunk. It seems like you have an axe to grind with alcohol here but you've really picked an irrelevant place and time to do so.

Leggo - the OP tells us that she got really drunk and slept with the first guy, and that she regretted doing this. She got really drunk a second time, and got into a potentially dangerous situation. Based on this information, it is reasonable to assume that alcohol is something that she needs to be careful about.

Yes, these guys are creeps and they have told lies. But it seems to me that it is possible that these lies would not have started in the first instance were it not for the sexual contact that she had with the first fellow, and this sexual contact was largely down to alcohol.

leggo

Look I get how you're reaching your conclusions but the first guy, for example, was someone that she was seeing. The second was someone that she resisted even while drunk. It just appears that you're determined to push the non-drinking line when that is irrelevant in the bigger picture.

She regretted these acts, not because she was drunk, but because of what these men have later gone onto become. The OP has a right to get pissed and score a bloke, even sleep with them, if she so wishes without malicious and false rumours being spread about her character. It's Ireland, the majority of people do the same and don't have to be subjected to the ritualised humiliation she is facing. She is not a slut and a large part of the basis for people believing that is a complete falsehood, likely brought on by the bloke trying to save face because she rejected him.

If she hadn't have drank, she still would have rejected him and could be facing the same rumours. She was seeing the first guy on a regular basis and presumably was not drunk the entire time in doing so anyway. So that's why drink is not a factor. It just seems as if you made up your mind of the answer here without actually reading the question properly.

Taltos

Beniincasa & leggo - please take your discussion to PM.
Threads here are not for discussion or debate - please keep your replies focussed on the OP, all the time keeping them civil and constructive.

Thanks
Taltos

Logical Fallacy

OP, you are in an awful tough spot I am afraid and you can take two courses of action. One if the moral high ground, ignore it all because you know it is rubbish and just get on with your life. Eventually things will die down and people will move on.

The alternative is to fight fire with fire and spread some rumours of your own.

For what it's worth I would suggest the former.

P. Breathnach

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

... The alternative is to fight fire with fire and spread some rumours of your own....

Don't even think of that!

But you can fight malice with slightly malicious humour: "I might have obliged him if he could get it up."

hondasam

fakeslut89 wrote: »

I'm ashamed to go out in my local town again because of these rumours and I haven't even done anything the least bit slutty. How to I get my name back out of the mud and let people know I'm not really a slut?

If you did nothing wrong you have nothing to be ashamed of, hiding away is not the answer. Some people will believe rumours and more will say it's bull**** just lads being lads.
Get out there and never mind them, I know it's not nice having people talking about you but I'm sure if it's like most small towns they will be talking about someone else next week.

skooterblue2

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Don't even think of that!

But you can fight malice with slightly malicious humour

This is not a good way, throwing mud and you lose land. A true lady would never stoop this low. Starting a village slagging match will only add fuel to the rumours. Saturday night put on your glad rags and hit the town with your true friends.
"The best revenge is living well."

A few weeks and no-one will remember it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies guys!

I really get really drunk, just on afew occaisions. Normally I'd be slightly tipsy when I'm out.

They had been saying all this for a good few weeks before I found out, which in my mind,. is even worse!

They all believed what each other had said as well.