Problems with partners family.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I just wanted to put this out there as I've been kind of living in my own head about it lately, and feel I need ruthless boardsie perspective!

I've been with my OH for about 4 years. We get along really well with one another, which sounds kind of obvious, but we're quite different people, with strangely opposite strengths and weaknesses. But we've found that we bounce off each other quite well, and our rows tend to be enthusiastic and blustery but over just as fast.

I learned soon into the relationship that he comes from quite a combative family, with a lot of long-standing rows and resentments between them. This is something I'm not used to, as my own family is very easy going, and most rows or issues seem to flare up and calm down within the space of a week or so. He's quite close to a couple of his relatives, and these would be the people I'd have spent the most time with when it came to his own family occasions. I got on with them quite well at the start of the relationship, even to the point where each relative told me quite a lot about their opinions of the other relatives. Some of this information I'd have been happy not knowing to be honest, but I kept it to myself and I don't think each person quite realises how much I know about the dramas between them.

Over the past 6 months there has been a few rumblings from his relatives about me. Some displeasure over an incident last year (which I apologised for and thought it was behind us) and some mounting conviction that I am with my partner due to his assets. I found this completely laughable at first, as it would be a fairly common knowledge that I have zero interest in property ownership or money in general, as I'm so **** at managing my own, never mind anyone elses. I'm in a bit of personal debt from bad decisions years ago, and it's taken me a long time to get on top of it, but on top of it I am (fingers crossed). THis is something I've been open about with people, but not overly so. Mostly I'm just pretty honest about my money challenges without getting in anyones face about it.

It's become obvious from things said and written that my partner has been driven towards making a choice between myself and his family. Things came to a head a few weeks ago, when 2 of these relatives came to visit. I hoped it would be an opportunity for us to maybe regroup, chill out and relax, but when they arrived they spent the entire evening directing their conversation at my partner, only talking to me when I asked a direct question. I gave it most of the night, then excused myself to study, which they knew was going to happen as I have exams coming up soon and I have a lot to keep up with.

The next morning my partner was at work, and I tried to start some casual conversation at the breakfast table. One relative turned her back completely to me and the conversation was stilted, awkward and non-existent. I made up something about needing to do a few messages and headed away. To be honest, I'd had enough. I knew there were things being said about me (most of it comes back to me in the end anyway) and to be fair, whatever their issues with me, that behaviour in my home shocked me and I genuinely didn't know what I could have done to them to warrant it. I stayed at a friends for a couple of days to give everyone a chance to gather themselves or sort things out with my partner. My partner came home from work to ask his relatives what happened and an almighty row broke out, which ended in them leaving the house altogether. Neither of these people have spoken to myself and my partner since, except to send some quite nasty text messages, all of which have implied that I have done some massive wrong and they can't wait for him to see me for who I really am.

To be honest, most of this is quite vague, deliberately so. I wish I could be comfortable enough to elaborate on it, but I'm so sensitive of stoking the flames that I don't like talking about it. I have said to them on many occasions that I'm not the drama type. I like my life small and uncomplicated. All I want is to go to college, make a life with my partner and be happy. I was never good at dealing with drama and since all this has blown up I have deliberately not texted, called, emailed, facebooked or otherwise spoken to them, because I have seen them twist and colour things on many other occasions with people. It doesn't help that I would have a high chance of seeing them around a lot and there are some connections with other friends.

I don't know what to do to be honest. What I'm doing at the moment is saving my anger for the kitchen and venting to my partner. But to be fair, it's not his fault, he told them all to go take a flying leap after their behaviour when they visited and I know how much all of this makes him feel like they don't really care about him as long as he does what they want. At this point, I feel like emailing them politely to say that I'm happy to discuss any issues they have with me, as I don't want this to impact my relationship to the point where they get what they want and we break up. But I'm also afraid on the other hand that any email I send is just going to get interpreted negatively and I'll be seen as stirring it.

I know people say "have it out", but I'm finding it incredibly hard to do while trying to ensure that it doesn't impact on my own parents and family. I hate being spoken about or gossiped about, but I get the feeling that at this point, the cats out of the bag, I'm already the worst in the world and there's nothing I can do to prevent this becoming a massive thing for the next few years. I really worry about the impact this is having on my partner because to be fair, this is his family and he worries about them and loves them but is deeply hurt by all this and I can see the strain on him lately. I never ever thought I'd be the kind of person who'd end up in the middle of drama like this.

jimmycrackcorm

If your partner is taking your side then I'd simply ignore them.

curlzy

I agree with Jimmycrackcorn for once. I've some experience with these type of people and they feed on everything that's said, how it was said, to whom, when, in what tone, why, why not etc etc. TBH OP, there is nothing more pathetic than this type of behaviour, people that engage in it are usually patetic a*sholes and there's no point talking to a*sholes. So as Jimmy says, if your BF is on your side, say nothing and totally disengage from them, if anything is said all you have to do is say "I don't reply to unwarrented allegations, I find it only enflames drama, I and BF know I've done nothing wrong". After just have nothing to do with them, if you don't supply them with drama they'll get bored and turn on someone else.

With regards to your BF, while it's sad for him that his family are uncouth a*sholes, he really can't go bowing down to them and do what he's told or he'll end up with someone like them and I doubt he wants that.