About to get married, but completely lost

LegacyUser

I know I don't want the "big day" and I've never wanted the stress and politics attached to it, and being the centre of attention. I would have preferred a quiet, private ceremony, without CC involvement, There's now just a couple of months left before a big CC wedding at a big venue. Deposits have been paid, everything booked and invitations will officially be going out in two weeks.

But I just don't know if I want to settle. I'm in my late 30s and have never been married. In my heart of hearts I want to travel the world, something I've never done as I was focused on my career. I want to find some deeper spirituality and feel none of the enormous attachment which she feels to family and friends in Ireland. I would love to live outside Ireland, learn a new language and live in some rural place next to water where I could make a living teaching and writing. I'm not romanticising far away fields; I find the idea of moving away from family and friends spiritually liberating.

In contrast, she wants to stay here - always. Settle down. Raise a family surrounded by both our families. I find life much easier and more straight forward when involvement with family and friends is kept to a minimum. I would have more freedom and feel our relationship would be stronger than the current situation where she spends most time with her family/friends and I'm just left to my own devices while still in a "relationship". We don't do anything together any more, largely because she is now physically unable to do so. Still, unfairly or not, I feel a strong desire to travel, to explore and feel very restricted by the current situation. She is hoping she'll be better in a few months but then when I suggest that we take time off and travel she says she'll have to go straight back to work because she's missed so much of it. There's always something, and always other people. In almost 9 years together, I have never once felt that we are a team, a couple. Rather, I feel like I'm meant to fit into her wider social scene. Not being a sociable person, I derive no satisfaction and spiritual fulfilment from this status.

On the other hand she would be a great (albeit conservative) mother and would be good for keeping me on the straight and narrow in life. She is very intelligent, funny and good with people. I don't know if I would be making a huge mistake by ending this. I just know that what I want from life at this point, and indeed over the past number of years, is very different to what I'm getting and the emptiness is breaking me.

How can I even start to make sense of this and make the right decision? Thank you.

R.D. aka MR.D

Why did you agree to marry her if you felt like this?

In my opinion the two of you need to get some counselling asap. You need to go through this problem before the invites go out.

Don't worry about deposits etc, it's only money.

Shane St.

Why did u agree to marry her?

Susie_Q

You should be excited at the prospect of marriage, not dreading it OP. Lots of red flags here. Did you not realise years ago you both wanted vastly different things out of life? Sorry OP but it doesn't sound like your heart is in this relationship at all.

daisybelle2008

mearbhall wrote: »

On the other hand she would be a great (albeit conservative) mother and would be good for keeping me on the straight and narrow in life.

Op, by keeping you on the straight and narrow, you mean behaving in a way that suits her idea of who you should be.
Why do you need to be kept on the 'straight and narrow', why can't you live the life you want?
You need to learn how to be true to yourself. Your life is a prison of your own making.
If you cannot be yourself in your relationship then you are better off single.
I can't believe how much of yourself you have compromised, because you are afraid of being single.
Your post is very sad. I guess there are a lot of people not allowing themselves to be happy to fit societys norms. 9 years and a big CC ceremony.?
Try to learn to know yourself and not be afraid to live your life for yourself, you seem to be happy for your gf be the boss.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

This annoys me. What were you thinking when you booked the venue etc? Who even proposed to who, id hazard a guess it was you who asked her to marry you.
Its a bit late in the day for you to be spouting this free spirit crap thh.
That said, you can't get married if your hearts not in it but i hope your conscience eats at you for a very long time.

daisybelle2008

jar_of_coins wrote: »

This annoys me. What were you thinking when you booked the venue etc? Who even proposed to who, id hazard a guess it was you who asked her to marry you.
Its a bit late in the day for you to be spouting this free spirit crap thh.
That said, you can't get married if your hearts not in it but i hope your conscience eats at you for a very long time.

That's a bit harsh, he is not doing this maliciously. He just doesn't seem to have the confidence to do things for himself and let's his girlfriend parent his adult life. The worst you could say is he doesn't know himself or has no balls. But he is not some evil monster.

saa

I hate to say it but the answer will not be at the end of this thread you need to decide to stay go or postpone, the money you have paid is gone there is no point using it up or getting your moneys worth because divorce even wedding plus annulment (which takes years to clear) costs a lot more than in heartache and cash then letting go of the deposits.

I suggest you go to counselling asap or call a support line (I think there is a man's support line to talk and such) because the second you mention your doubts or feelings she will start freaking out, a counselor will help you sort our your feelings and decide on a clear route to take after weighing up the options and reasons

Everyone gets nervous before "the big day" but if you truly believe you two both want different things, are heading in different directions and things are already hard for you do not worry about what others will think or what money you've put down, its less of a let down to tell your partner you cant do it before than after so, don't let me put you off relationships are hard work and both of you can go to couples counselling.

Herrick

I agree with the others, why agree to get married if you felt like this?

I would recommended bringing this up with her right now, because I can this ending in tears in a few years time and more than likely children involved.


If you want out, do it now.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Its not harsh. At what point does someone stand up and take responsibility for their own actions? Dead fish, go with the flow until it gets serious then start whinging that he doesn't know what he wants.
Waste of the womans time and money.

Killed By Death

jar_of_coins wrote: »

Its not harsh. At what point does someone stand up and take responsibility for their own actions? Dead fish, go with the flow until it gets serious then start whinging that he doesn't know what he wants.
Waste of the womans time and money.

I tend to agree with this I'm afraid OP.

If you wanted to do all these things, travel, seek enlightenment etc you would have done them by now. To me it sounds like these sudden urges to travel etc are a convenient cop out and excuse for cold feet at this stage.

I think the real reason you are in this pickle is your own passivity and lack of proactivity in your own life. It's too easy to blame your Fiance and families, society or whatever other external causes. The truth is you are in this pickle because you haaven't opened your mouth to say anything different, never mind do anything different.

Your life is in your hands. Your destiny is yours alone to shape. You can't just drift along and let life happen to you and then complain it's not what you want.

I also think you've been unfair on your Fiance. It's like your a passenger in her life, because she is secure and confident in what she wants and 'good with people' and a planner and mover in her own life, you've latched on to her as a security blanket. That's not fair on her. If she knew what you really felt she'd be angry and rightly so.

The fact that you don't bother with other people much but cling to your Fiance and access her circle when it suits is very lazy and selfish too.

I too think you need to get some counselling to disentangle your own head and start learning how to live life instead of just existing and stop using your Fiance like this. It's not right.

lace

OP, tbh, you should have considered all this before you spent 9 years with the girl, proposed to her and booked a wedding! I feel so sorry for your poor fiance, but I do understand where you're coming from.

There's no point in hanging around waiting for things to change when you're clearly unhappy. From what you've said, it sounds like the two of you want completely different things in life and you've known this for quite some time. Is there really any way this marriage can work out without one of you being unhappy. Not once in your post do you mention how much you love this woman and want to be with her. You seem more concerned with travelling and finding spiritual fulfillment so perhaps that's what you should go for?

The money you'd lose and heartbreak you'd cause by calling off the wedding is nothing compared to the financial and emotional stress that would be caused by a divorce a few years down the line.

I'd suggest saying all this to your fiance asap before all the invitations go out. Talk it all over together or with a counsellor. It's important you don't go through with this unless you're 100% happy doing so.

neuro-praxis

Ok, let's leave the rights and wrongs out of this. You have clearly made some serious mistakes up to this point, but that won't make any difference now.

A successful marriage is only possible between two people who want the same things.

I think you see how this will have to end.

snafuk35

mearbhall wrote: »

I know I don't want the "big day" and I've never wanted the stress and politics attached to it, and being the centre of attention. I would have preferred a quiet, private ceremony, without CC involvement, There's now just a couple of months left before a big CC wedding at a big venue. Deposits have been paid, everything booked and invitations will officially be going out in two weeks.

But I just don't know if I want to settle. I'm in my late 30s and have never been married. In my heart of hearts I want to travel the world, something I've never done as I was focused on my career. I want to find some deeper spirituality and feel none of the enormous attachment which she feels to family and friends in Ireland. I would love to live outside Ireland, learn a new language and live in some rural place next to water where I could make a living teaching and writing. I'm not romanticising far away fields; I find the idea of moving away from family and friends spiritually liberating.

In contrast, she wants to stay here - always. Settle down. Raise a family surrounded by both our families. I find life much easier and more straight forward when involvement with family and friends is kept to a minimum. I would have more freedom and feel our relationship would be stronger than the current situation where she spends most time with her family/friends and I'm just left to my own devices while still in a "relationship". We don't do anything together any more, largely because she is now physically unable to do so. Still, unfairly or not, I feel a strong desire to travel, to explore and feel very restricted by the current situation. She is hoping she'll be better in a few months but then when I suggest that we take time off and travel she says she'll have to go straight back to work because she's missed so much of it. There's always something, and always other people. In almost 9 years together, I have never once felt that we are a team, a couple. Rather, I feel like I'm meant to fit into her wider social scene. Not being a sociable person, I derive no satisfaction and spiritual fulfilment from this status.

On the other hand she would be a great (albeit conservative) mother and would be good for keeping me on the straight and narrow in life. She is very intelligent, funny and good with people. I don't know if I would be making a huge mistake by ending this. I just know that what I want from life at this point, and indeed over the past number of years, is very different to what I'm getting and the emptiness is breaking me.

How can I even start to make sense of this and make the right decision? Thank you.

You obviously don't love her, you don't want to marry her, you want to live abroad and you want to live a bohemian lifestyle. So dump her and do what you want to do. It will save eachother the bother of a messy divorce in a few years with kids in tow.

thefeatheredcat

OP I've cut and pasted your original post around for you to re-read

mearbhall wrote: »

In my heart of hearts I want to travel the world, something I've never done as I was focused on my career. I want to find some deeper spirituality and feel none of the enormous attachment which she feels to family and friends in Ireland. I would love to live outside Ireland, learn a new language and live in some rural place next to water where I could make a living teaching and writing. I'm not romanticising far away fields; I find the idea of moving away from family and friends spiritually liberating.

I find life much easier and more straight forward when involvement with family and friends is kept to a minimum. I would have more freedom. I feel a strong desire to travel, to explore and feel very restricted by the current situation.

This is you, what you want and sounds like in a way you are a free spirited kind of person who doesn't really want to settle down but rather live by the wind and see where life is, a solo journey until you meet someone more kindred spirited person, but your fiancee in contrast wants to settle down and has a life planned and provides a stability that otherwise you don't have, by bringing together family

mearbhall wrote: »

On the other hand she would be a great (albeit conservative) mother and would be good for keeping me on the straight and narrow in life. She is very intelligent, funny and good with people.

In contrast, she wants to stay here - always. Settle down. Raise a family surrounded by both our families.

She is hoping she'll be better in a few months but then when I suggest that we take time off and travel she says she'll have to go straight back to work because she's missed so much of it.

In almost 9 years together, I have never once felt that we are a team, a couple. Rather, I feel like I'm meant to fit into her wider social scene. Not being a sociable person, I derive no satisfaction and spiritual fulfilment from this status.

I think you need to ask yourself some tough, honest questions. Starting with if you get married will you resent your then wife? What about when kids come along, will you resent them for holding you down in stability and normal mundane life when you want to fly with the wind and land wherever it takes you? Will you resent them both for burdening you with responsibility and making you feel trapped that means you won't ever be able to travel the world on your own without taking the life of your wife and future children into consideration and their plans and their need for stability?

It may be late to now open your mouth, but better late than never. It would be wise to open up about what you really want and communicate with your finacee with tact and honesty, rather than have her walk down the isle comforted and secure in knowing and assuming that the man she is marrying wants the same things in life as her - a stable loving marriage where involvement with family and friends is important to her and matters to her.

To lead her on any further than you already have, to let her get married under a false assumption that you share a joint future and want the same things out of life imo would be wrong.

Ellie2008

OP I would urge you not to act rashly I never been married but people do talk about cold feet a lot so I guess there is something in it. Remember far away hills are always greener and whilst wandering the world may seem like an ideal life you still have to eat.

That said do you really love this woman, why did you propose??

daisybelle2008

jar_of_coins wrote: »

Its not harsh. At what point does someone stand up and take responsibility for their own actions? Dead fish, go with the flow until it gets serious then start whinging that he doesn't know what he wants.
Waste of the womans time and money.

Well I think, he is most definitely not going to cancel the wedding. If he has not had the guts to exercise his own decisions after 9 years. I think if you look at peter147 in the RI thread you se where this is going. There are a lot of threads from men like this who never wanted to get married and they all seem to go on to have a bunch of kids with wives they end up hating.
I think on some level they are martyrs to their misery, and enjoy complaining to them selves than proactively doing anything constructive.

I am a friend

I agree with the above. Stop wasting this girls life with someone who doesn't love her ENOUGH . You are being incredibly selfish now by staying with her cos you dont have the balls to leave her.

She can yet meet someone who idolises get and doesn't nit pick her future parenting style :mad:

Do the honourable thing.

solerina

If I were the girl you are about to marry I would prefer you finished it with me now (before the invites go out) than marry me and leave me in a few years, because that is what will happen. Ye want entirely different things from life so make a clean break now and allow her to find someone else who will give her what she needs, its kindest in the long term IMO.

LegacyUser

Postpone or cancel the wedding asap. Do NOT let the invitations go out with all these thoughts running through your head.
See a councellor, attend couples counselling.....or indeed bite the bullet& cut all Irish ties& go "live the dream" out foreign for a while, a TEFL course would be the ideal thing to allow you the chance to teach, learn a foreign language, and live by the water.
It very much sounds that whilst you love her, ideally you want her all to yourself. For both of you to be a self-contained unit with no input whatsoever from friends or family. The crux of the matter is, this isolation would be like freeing you (the timid one)& crushing her (the sociable one).
You say you feel like you've always had to slot into her social circle....if you don't have your own social circle, this isn't her fault. And as you've probably seen from your fiances' illness, it's all well and good being a lone wolf when you're fighting fit& earning money from work, but when the sh1t hit the fan and you get ill, then you do tend to appreciate social ties. In fact, you may find you wouldn't survive- physically/emotionally/spiritually- without their support. Your fiance has probably experienced it, you are fortunate not to have had....you've been the care-giver this time around, you may be the care-receiver the next time, if you allow people in.
No man is an island. Visit as many as you want however!

Taltos

can I ask all posters to keep the following in mind:
Please keep posts civil and constructive. If you have no advice to offer please don't post.

thanks
taltos

woodoo

mearbhall wrote: »

I want to find some deeper spirituality and feel none of the enormous attachment which she feels to family and friends in Ireland. I would love to live outside Ireland, learn a new language and live in some rural place next to water where I could make a living teaching and writing. I'm not romanticising far away fields; I find the idea of moving away from family and friends spiritually liberating.

Do you do any writing here in Ireland because if you don't nothing is going to change when you are living beside a stream abroad. You will still be you.

I'm not being smart btw. I have done quite a bit of traveling and what i have realised is you can't run away from yourself. You won't find anymore spirituality abroad than you could find in yourself here.

lazygal

Ok I might sound harsh but this is how I feel about this post.

You are blaming all the lack of get up and go that you suffer from on this woman. Everything you haven't done or would like to do but haven't is because of her. I don't believe for a second that she is holding you back. You are using a long relationship as an excuse to focus all of your dissatisfaction with life on your partner. Honestly, if you weren't in this relationship and getting married, would you have done all the things you say you want to and had a far more interesting life?

I think you're a very unhappy and passive person, content to blame other people or circumstances for your current situation. You decided to have a relationship with this woman for many years. You also decided to marry her and went along with arrangements for a big wedding. You said you wanted a different type of wedding-did you do anything about it? Or did you just mull things over to yourself and let those around you get on with the plans?

I think you need to grow up and realise that no one is responsible for how your life turns out except you. You cannot expect a woman you have agreed to marry spend her life facilitating your dreams and ephemeral plans for the future. You say nothing of any action about achievements on your part, its just a list of moans and excuses about your partner's shortcomings, as you see them. Even your 'praise' of her is quite negative, saying at least she'll keep you on on the straight and narrow. This really jumped out at me because it smacks of you having a handy excuse for why you're frustrated and feeling unfulfilled, you can and have decided to blame a narrow existence on the woman you've decided to marry and have children with. She's supposed to be a partner, not a parent you can fume about because she won't 'let' you do something.

I feel very, very sorry for this woman. If she was my friend I'd be telling her to cut and run.

Squiggler

OP, sounds like you've got some serious thinking to do... it is just a pity you didn't do it a few years ago.

Ellie2008 wrote: »

people do talk about cold feet a lot so I guess there is something in it...

On this, nobody I know who stayed happily married had "cold feet" at any stage before the wedding.

You need to talk to your fiancee, and maybe your family, and do a lot of soul searching. If you are going to carry resentment into this marriage which will make both your lives, and that of any future children, unhappy then you really shouldn't go through with it.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Distorted

Excluding that you could just have pre-wedding jitters, I feel for you. I think modern society pressurises us into thinking we all must want the same thing, and that we won't be happy until we are married with a family. And if you think its bad for men, let me tell you its much worse being a woman!

However, you are being cowardly. You repeatedly state the things you really want, you know the faults in your relationship and yet you are going ahead with cementing it in marriage. So perhaps you are just a little bit more honest than many other people in admitting the truth. It must be rare I think to find your true soulmate, although some people are more easily satisfied than others!

mearbhall wrote: »

But I just don't know if I want to settle.

"Settle" to me indicates opting for someone you don't really love, or only love a little. ie not your perfect match.

mearbhall wrote: »

In contrast, she wants to stay here - always. Settle down. Raise a family surrounded by both our families. I find life much easier and more straight forward when involvement with family and friends is kept to a minimum.

I agree with you on that one, plenty of us are not really family people. And there are also other women out there who think like this, so I cannot understand why you have spent 9 years with a woman whom you are so incompatible with. I would find it unbearable.

mearbhall wrote: »

I would have more freedom and feel our relationship would be stronger than the current situation where she spends most time with her family/friends and I'm just left to my own devices while still in a "relationship".

Now we have the real reason for you're getting married. It will provide you with security, and social status (society can be very hard on those single in their thirties).

It also makes me think the relationship is already dead for both of you, and the only thing thats keeping it together is the fear both of you have of being single and not finding anyone else.

mearbhall wrote: »

We don't do anything together any more,

Sounds dreadfully boring. As I say, there are plenty of women out there who do want to do stuff, so it is down to you that you have chosen one who doesn't.

mearbhall wrote: »

In almost 9 years together, I have never once felt that we are a team, a couple. Rather, I feel like I'm meant to fit into her wider social scene.

Sounds as if she feels much the same about you as you do about her.

Oh, and I suspect if you were a woman writing in, the answer would be "Run for the hills". I doubt you are going to run and I suspect you will go through with it, in which case I would say you only have yourself to blame. You will probably be posing similar questions in the future though, although bear in mind once you are married and have children, it will be far harder to do those other things you mention, unless you have a wife who wants to do them with you.

So I think you have to make a decision as to whether you want to be brave and pursue the things in life that appeal to you, and take the risk of losing the security of marriage with this woman. (I have to say I think its dubious security as I think you'll be facing divorce in a few years anyway). Do you want to challenge yourself, and have more experiences (which might even include meeting a woman you are crazy about, more interesting things tend to happen when we challenge ourselves) or take the safety option. Or indeed get married and be an absent or cheating husband as you would always be looking for something else?

Only you can decide!

Distorted

lazygal wrote: »

I think you're a very unhappy and passive person, content to blame other people or circumstances for your current situation.

I think you need to grow up and realise that no one is responsible for how your life turns out except you.

You say nothing of any action about achievements on your part, its just a list of moans and excuses about your partner's shortcomings, as you see them.

I agree with this post, and while I'm sympathetic towards you OP, I would suggest you take heed of what it says.

Emme

OP, if you have wanted to do so much for so long why didn't you get off your butt in the past and do it?

I feel really sorry for this girl. She has invested 9 years in you. She would be better off without you, but there's a good chance she won't meet anybody else, get married or have a family if this wedding gets called off. It's the lesser of two evils (not marrying a man who doesn't really love her) but you and your indecision may cost this woman her chance to have a family.

If you haven't the courage of your convictions you will probably end up going ahead with the wedding, your wife will start a family straight away and you could end up cheating on her. Not a recipe for happiness but you won't be the first and probably not the last.

newuser30

Ok everyone making the Op out to be a bad guy is going to just emphasise his guilt and make him go ahead with the wedding to avoid all the hurt it would cause.
It is one of the most difficult and bravest things to turn your back on the social norms and pressure to conform to the institution of marraige, kids, mortgage. It takes someone exceptional, and very strong minded to turn away and be true to themselves. Alot fantasise of it but most will eventually settle. Some will say that's not what marraige is about, but for some that's what it represents, settling. Alot of people are just not meant for marraige and will not be happy in it. They will try to conform but eventually something inside, their gut, will be too loud to ignore.

The OP needs to be honest with his fiance. To say I love you, but this is not me. It would be dishonest for me to go along with it. If she can't compromise, (she should want to make you happier, if she loves you), you know you are not meant for each other. You are compromising on this so far and yes, that is your fault but now is the time to seek some balance. Yes very late but that cant be changed. My guess is you are completely panicking at this stage, but it doesn't have to be like this.

Sorry to be morbid but we will all die, so you must be true to yourself. Life is too short.

I am a friend

newuser30 wrote: »

Ok everyone making the Op out to be a bad guy

He is only a bad guy if he goes through with it given the number of reservations he has and the manner in which he thinks of his fiancee....

up for anything

mearbhall wrote: »

I just know that what I want from life at this point, and indeed over the past number of years, is very different to what I'm getting and the emptiness is breaking me.

How can I even start to make sense of this and make the right decision? Thank you.

If you feel empty now, how much emptier do you think you will feel years down the line if you continue with the wedding?

End it and get up off your arse and go find that place by water where you can live simply, quietly and untroubled by human relationships. Can you imagine the noise in your head growing as the years go by full of the din of children, inter-family relationships and your growing circle of family obligations such as school, ballet classes, hurling teams, football, sleepovers, debs dances, boyfriends, girlfriends.. the list is endless.

Have you ever told your fiancee that you feel like this? Does she know that you would prefer a simpler life? You don't say what illness or physical disability she is suffering from? You say she is hoping that she will be better in a few months? What happens if she isn't and she is further enmeshed into family and you are further alienated? I don't think from the sound of it that you are solely to blame for your present situation and feelings, she has to bear some responsibility too. She's known you for nine years. Surely in that time even if you are very hidden she must have gotten some inkling of the type of person you are.

FlashD

@ OP

I don't understand how you have reached your late 30's and not fulfilled your dream of travelling, its not that difficult, you make a plan, buy a round the world ticket, pack a bag and set off.

Saying that you were concentrating on your career is just an excuse. Careers come and go especially in the present day when many older people are retraining for new careers. There is no such thing as a job for life anymore.

The problem for many people is they sit around thinking too much about what they want rather then doing something about it. Before they know it, they are sitting in a wheelchair at 80 years age having accomplished nothing, then its too late and you have to accept your lot.

Maybe you need to postpone your wedding to a later date like a few months, take a career break, head off for a few months round the world and see what it is all about, maybe you will find out the fields aren't so much greener or then again maybe you will discover what you are looking for.

You can then come back with a fresh way of thinking and a new energy for getting married to your fiancee.

Life is short...get on it!