Should I stay or should I let him go? (long distance relationship problem)

midnight_train

Hi everyone,

I posted here a while back with a problem relating to my long-distance relationship. Sorry this is so long, thanks in advance for reading.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and 2 months. We have always been long distance. He's from Dublin, living in New York for 15 years. I'm American (half Irish), living in Dublin for 10 years. We work in the same (fairly unique) field, and I met him through this mutual interest when I was in NYC last year. I'm 35 and he's 44.

In short, I love him. Until recently, I did see a future with him, was so excited and interested in him, loved every second we spent together, etc. I felt secure and happy about the relationship. Despite the distance, we both put the work in to see each other every 8 weeks or so, and we kept in contact a lot. He has always said that he loves me, wants to marry me, etc. I always believed him. We'd talked about me moving over, or trying to work out things between the two countries, and had discussed getting married in 2013.

After a lovely Christmas and New Year's together, I just felt things were great. He surprised me by booking a trip to Ireland for Valentine's Day, and I was delighted. Told everyone. Really felt like this relationship was going somewhere. Until he dropped the bomb that something important had come up with work and he cancelled the trip. I was absolutely heartbroken, I felt like he'd made this decision and informed me after the fact, and that he had chosen work over me.

He'd booked to come over for Easter, so for the 6 weeks following the February fall-out, I'd hoped that we could work things out over Skype, to restore my faith in the relationship and so he could show me that he still cared. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. We kept in touch very intermittently, emails and texts but few phone calls as he was always busy working. I felt pretty unconnected. For example, he rang me from Bangkok one weekend but had never told me he was going there!! I don't need to keep tabs on him, he's a grown man, but that's a pretty big thing that you'd tell someone who was your girlfriend!! Another time, I had a hospital appointment that I was worried about. Before going in, I rang him from the hospital lobby just to chat to someone about it. He was busy and about to run out the door. That was OK, I told him I'd talk to him later. But he never texted, emailed, rang to ask if I was OK after the appointment. Which was cancer-related. (!)

This is another plot thread: during this time, we'd been talking about the possibility of me moving to NYC this summer for work. Although I do love Ireland, my job here has been going badly for the last year or so, and there's no future in it. I know that I need to leave, it's just a question of when. Anyway, I got an interview with a job I wanted in NYC for 7 weeks of work. I haven't had a solid offer of work yet, but it's looking likely. Although he's been talking about me moving over since we met, he didn't seem very interested in my plans, and even though he knew I had the job interview (over Skype) and that it was a big deal, he never bothered to ask how it went.

Roll on Easter. He had a work thing in Belfast, a work thing in Dublin, wanted to see his family, and wanted to see me. A lot of things to do, right? But he only booked to arrive in Belfast on Tuesday and leave Dublin early Monday morning (tomorrow), so not even a week, between two cities. He'd also made this booking without asking me about dates, times, etc - which is completely the opposite to me, whenever I book to go to the States, I ALWAYS check with him first to make sure the dates/time work for him as well as me.

Anyway, I hadn't seen him since the end of January, then had a very unconnected Feb/March, also had these summer plans to work out, so I'd really hoped we could reconnect this week and figure things out.

Unfortunately, the opposite happened :-( Everything felt so rushed, he had so much to do, so much of the time we spent together there were other people around, we had no time to talk about future plans (and he seemed blissfully unconcerned with everything), and now here I am on my own on Easter Sunday because he didn't invite me to spend it with his family. Who I still have never met. Family is a touchy issue with me, I haven't (and likely won't) bring him to meet my family because they live in a different part of the US, but mostly because my mother is suffering from severe Alzheimer's and my parents' house is like a carehome. It's really difficult to invite anyone who's not family because the situation is so bad :-( His family situation is also hard in that his mother passed away four years ago, and (according to him), the house is like a shrine to his mother, nothing's changed, and he feels weird bringing people there. He did tell his sister that he wanted to invite me over, but she claimed she wasn't feeling well and so he left it at that, didn't try to make it happen at all.

He doesn't understand why meeting family is so important to me. I, on the other hand, feel like if you're with someone that you say you love, you want them to meet your family. And your family should want to meet them. He's already told his father that he wants to marry me, but I still haven't met him - even though there's been multiple opportunities over the past year. I've told him before how I feel lonely on holiday weekends here, when all my friends go home to their families, so when I started going out with someone from Dublin, I really thought that after a year at least, I wouldn't be on my own over the holidays anymore. How wrong I was :-( This is coupled with that fact that I feel like I have no family anymore, due to my mother's illness - that's not his problem, I know, but I would think if he loved me, he'd be aware that I miss my family, especially on the holidays, and he'd include me in his family get-togethers.

So, needless to say, we did not get to iron out ANYTHING on this trip. He's leaving tomorrow and I would usually meet him at the airport (he'd spend the last night with his family), but this time I said no as he'd booked to leave on a 7.30 AM flight - clearly a decision made without thinking of me and what time might suit. (i.e. sometime later than 4.30 in the morning to sit with him at Dublin Airport!) I told him this morning as he was rushing out the door to meet his family at Mass that I did not feel like a priority to him anymore and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to break up over the phone, if that was what was going to happen, but I felt like we'd done nothing to work things out. He just said he loves me, he wants to stay together, and he'll call me tomorrow.

I just feel so broken-hearted. I don't know what happened to us. Every visit prior to this, I was always sad to say goodbye to him, but just so full of love and hope and plans for the future because I was so happy with him and felt so in love with him, and believed that he felt the same.

I don't know what to do now. As I said before, my work here in Ireland is not going well and I need a change. I was excited about the prospect of a 'summer adventure' working in New York and seeing him regularly. I was also planning on seeing my family more often as my mother is so ill and my dad really needs support.

But now all the joy has gone out of these plans. I feel like I'm making a massive effort for someone who has done very little for me over the past few months. Now I'm afraid to leave my job here and move to a big city when my relationship isn't working.

He says he wants to stay together, and if I don't move over this summer then we'll work something else out. But I'm terrified about turning 35 and waiting around for the wrong guy and missing my chance of having a family. But although I do love Ireland, I feel lonely here a lot of the time as many friends have settled down, etc., and I worry about my parents, too.

I don't know what to do. I'd hoped that things would become more clear after seeing my boyfriend, but I feel worse than ever.

Thank you so much for reading, if anyone has advice, I would really appreciate it.

Should I break up with him? Should I forget about my summer in New York? What should I do?

Thank you. And Happy Easter xx

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP.

If your job here isn't going well and you need the change anyway then would you not consider a move for your own sakes? It would mean you were closer to family and you will meet new people and make new friends...

Either way, you have an honest and open discussion with your boyfriend - which I think you really need to have ASAP. I think you need to tell him what you've said above and ask him to lay his cards on the table too - but I'd advise you to make your decision about moving or not for yourself, separate to your relationship.

All the best.

R.D. aka MR.D

Wait and see if he calls you tomorrow and what he says when he does.

However, OP, it seems that you are letting a huge part of your life be decided by a guy that you have been with for less than 2 years.

There is even a risk that if you did go to NY to be with him that the two of you won't like seeing each other so often/the transition from online to real life.

It seems from what you've said that he is pulling away from you for some reason. Maybe he has met some one else or maybe he likes the online relationship but doesn't like the prospect of it turning into something else.

I could come up with millions of different reasons but the only person who knows for sure is him. You two need to talk it through. He owes you that.

Best of luck
x

Herrick

If I was with someone I loved I would be making sure I had plenty of time to see them when I was back in Ireland, as well as arranging other trips to make up for the cancelled ones... I sure as hell would want to make sure you were ok after a cancer related doctors appointment too!

I'm sorry OP, but in my honest opinion, I don't think he's as into it as he claims

dr gonzo

The hospital issue in particular leaped out at me. The other stuff might (and i mean Might) be explainable to a degree if he was very very busy or stressed or something but the fact that he didnt find out if you were ok after your appointment is just upsetting sounding. I dont care how busy I was, if my gf was going in for a hospital appointment of any kind - and I wasnt around to go with - the very least I would do is make time to call her before and after. Especially important because it was one you were nervous about. Leaving everything else aside for the moment this is just plain unacceptable and not indicative of a loving relationship of any kind tbh.

Dolly Daydreams

Herrick wrote: »

If I was with someone I loved I would be making sure I had plenty of time to see them when I was back in Ireland, as well as arranging other trips to make up for the cancelled ones... I sure as hell would want to make sure you were ok after a cancer related doctors appointment too!

I'm sorry OP, but in my honest opinion, I don't think he's as into it as he claims

Sorry to agree, but I don't think he is either.. Nothing points in the direction that he is as committed to you as you are to him. To be in the same county nevermind country as you and not seeing you would be alarm bells enough in my opinion

mackmuffin

I don't think his heart is in it anymore, or if it ever really was, I hate to be paranoid but is there possibly someone else? Its odd that he could just disconnect like that.
But to answer your question I say do both, forget him and move over.

thefeatheredcat

What you should do is put yourself first. You are your first priority.

I'm in agreement with Ickle that you should consider a move for your own sakes and also in agreement with R.D that yes, it is like your life, your future is literally hinging on this guy.

You still have a future... you still have the chance and the opportunity to find work in your area of expertise in the US.

I understand you've taken a huge knock to your confidence and your security, going from being so self assured and confident in this guy, in yourself and in your efforts for it all to feel in vain, really, when you're not really sure and don't feel like a priority to him anymore. But that shouldn't make you feel that a future has been taken from you. The idea of pursuing and bettering your future for yourself with or without this guy should be there and you should want to work for that future.

I think he needs to consciously acknowledge fully that you're slipping away from each other and address this directly and if you both want a future together then you need to take the time and treat it as a priority.

Perhaps enjoying what quality time you can grasp together to enjoy eachother and then make a firm commitment on talking seriously about the future, in getting him to take the time alone with you over a matter of days to really nail down the details if he is serious about wanting a future together. I would offer him that chance and if he can't do that then I would re-evaluate the relationship.

Emme

OP, he doesn't seem to care very much. Don't waste any more time on him and move on. You're 35 now and you need to think about yourself more than ever. He'll just string you along for as long as you let him, you'll be getting older and your chances in life will slip away.

You've given him enough time, now move on on, if you want to work in the States go for it and you might meet somebody new.

The sooner you leave this man the better your chances of finding somebody else. Put yourself first.

pieface_ie

Emme wrote: »

OP, he doesn't seem to care very much. Don't waste any more time on him and move on. You're 35 now and you need to think about yourself more than ever. He'll just string you along for as long as you let him, you'll be getting older and your chances in life will slip away.

You've given him enough time, now move on on, if you want to work in the States go for it and you might meet somebody new.

The sooner you leave this man the better your chances of finding somebody else. Put yourself first.

+1

He is probably seeing someone else also. Move on, the sooner the better for you. Don't dwell.

midnight_train

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for reading my long post and for taking the time to reply.

In short, he's not a bad guy, I really don't believe he'd ever do anything awful like cheat on me, but I do think he is not able to prioritize me in his life.

Although we do have a lot of surface level stuff in common, I don't think we match up as regards to communication and needing the same things from a relationship. We were great for the first year, but now that things (should be) getting more serious, I'm seeing just how different we are.

Since he left Ireland, he has been in touch, but it's all been jokey messages and chat - pretty much him trying to ignore what went wrong, sweep it under the carpet, and assume that things will work out and I'll forgive and forget.

I just sent him an email explaining that although I love him, it's my belief that he doesn't love me anymore, or if he does, he's not able to show me in the way that I need him to. I said that if he was not into it, I needed to know now rather than dragging it out.

Basically, after thinking things over, I realize that although I do love him, life is too short to be in a relationship that doesn't provide you with the support you need. As we say in my homeland, I've still got a lot going on and from past experience, I know it's better to be single than to be stuck in a committed relationship that isn't right for you.

Of course, I do still love him and in an ideal world, I'd like from him to realize how much he's effed up and then see him make an effort to work things out with me. But I feel at this point I've said all I can say and that if I don't hear back from him (in a meaningful way) I have my answer.

Thank you again for your replies!

I am a friend

Well done. Give him a short timescale in which to prove himself to you and if he doesnt then move on.