i fell with my best friend how can i put it right?

pologirl

hi there
i really need some advice, i had a wonderful friend she was always there for me, we have been freinds for 4 years when i had a baby, she called to visit me alot (i struggled in the beginning and im away from all my family) and then she started to stop, shes said she felt she was doing all the running with all her friends and wanted some time to herself,

The problem is most of her friends started visiitng her but i didnt, i was on maternity leave and i suppose preoccupied with the baby, i didnt mean to not call to her, it just happened, she was doing exams and under alot of pressure in work to pass them, and she failed a few times, i texted her a few times to see was all ok with her and she said yes. but her texts were short and not the usual happy text, i told her i was here for her but in heinsight i should of course have called to visit her, we work and live very close together.

Then i came back to work and i noticed she was very off with me i called her aside and asked her and it all came out.
she said she had cried allot over me and had now resigned herself to the fact that we would not be friends anymore.

I think the world of this girl i may not have showed it the 3 months b4 i went back to work but i do and miss her firendship deerly.

I went to vistit her at her home in february and she basically said give it two months and see, i then went to ask her to meet up today (2 months past) and she said no that she was happy the way things were and we were no longer friends, she was happy with her life now (shes is pasing her accountancy exams and has got promoted in work)

i was gutted i cudnt believe how cold she was, so i talked to her and asked her to please give me a chance to make things up to her, i know ive hurt her really bad and feel so awful, shes a lovely girl and i should not have treated her this way. we kept talking and she evertually agreed to meet me for lunch in two weeks, she said she doesnt know what she wants, or even if she wants a friendship with me so she cant promise anything, just said we will see how things go from there (after lunch).

in a bid to keep us talking i ust to call by her desk for 5 min chat once a week or two weeks, i asked her if she wanted me to stop that she said no, but just not make it so obivious ur making the effort!

ive never fallen out with friends before and i suppose i dont know what to do, when we meet for lunch in two weeks what should i do? she said she doesnt want to talk back over things anymore. and IF we have a freindship in the future it will be a different one (i take it she means here that she is not going to be doing all the running) which i fully understand, if she lets me ill do all the running!

how i handle the fact we work together?

i suppose what im asking is how do we make a fresh start? i know the fact i feel so bad that i probably come on abit too strong (cause i really want our friendship back)
she thinks it will be easier to let the friendship die, how do i convince her otherwise? that im worth it i suppose? i have to tell u we were very very close. wud you get her a gift maybe?

i miss this girl so much, i cry all the time over what i done to her and am kicking myself, i dont make friends easy and this girl was like a sister.

if you can offer me any advice id really appreciate it

many thanks for reading

Logical Fallacy

You had just had a child and were struggling, if she can't understand that the social side of things would slip in such circumstances I question how much of a friend she is.

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL - OP, this is the forum for all requests for advice on personal issues.

All the best. :cool:

Daisy M

Its hard to believe that this girl really is that lovely, to me she sounds somewhat of a drama queen. You just had a baby surely she should have understood that it was more difficult for you than other friends to visit? Personally I think you are making too much effort and it sounds as if any future friendship you will have will depend on you doing all the running sounds more like bullying than friendship to me.

Tigger99

It's really sad when a friendship ends, sometimes more so than when a relationship ends.

Yes it does sound like you let her down, but you've realised what was wrong and tried to make amends. You can't do any more than that I'm afraid. I'm inclined to think that your friendship wouldn't have worked ling term as she was quick enough to disregard your apologies. I've been through this myself and its really hard, but you just have to try and accept it and move on, though easier said than done i know.

woodchuck

If your only crime was not making the effort with her while you were on maternity leave, then I think you’ve made enough of an effort already trying to make amends. You don’t want to go begging for the friendship of someone who doesn’t want it, and frankly may not deserve it. Unfortunately it might be time to face the reality that your friendship with her is over.

Unless there is more to the story? Were there any issues from before you had the baby? It seems very strange that she wouldn’t be more understanding of you not visiting her when you have a newborn to look after.

rainbowtrout

You know OP, if this had just been a regular friendship where she was doing all the running and you had plenty of time on your hands, I might have said fair enough, you should have made more effort, but the reality is you had a new baby (i'm assuming your first), and I've seen from my friends in the last couple of years that babies do take up an awful lot of time, especially the first one.

So I call to them, it's easier for me to nip around to their house and have tea and chat while they feed, change nappies etc, rather than them either try to get someone to mind the baby while they call to me (I don't think they are going to do that for all their friends) or pack up a load of stuff, get the baby in outdoor clothes, bring a bottle, bring nappies etc just to call to me for tea, it's a lot more hassle.

She told you to give her two months to think about it? What was there to think about exactly? She's still giving you the cold shoulder to a large extent.

Personally I think she was used to having you around all the time to do stuff with or socialise with, and now your baby has taken that place and her nose is out of joint, that she's not a top priority with you anymore.

I would say take her at face value, meet her for lunch if you want, but don't go apologising anymore, you've done that. Start off again, it's a two way street, you're making the effort now that you're back at work and have a routine set up, she should be able to give a little back. If she doens't then you'll just have to let go because it will never be an equal friendship, it will always be on her terms. You should never need to beg a person to be your friend, if you have to, they're not really your friend.

Big Bag of Chips

Strong friendships can withstand long periods of no contact without any lasting affect on the friendship.

I could go months without seeing or talking to some good friends and when we meet up we just carry on where we left off. No awkwardness or blame.

I think she's trying to distance herself from you, for whatever reason. I'd take all the other stories of her other friends doing all the running with a pinch of salt.

A friendship shouldn't be hard work, and shouldn't make you feel bad.

You can't force her to be your friend. If it has run its course, you need to accept that and stop begging... at this stage you're annoying her.

lau1247

pologirl wrote: »

in a bid to keep us talking i ust to call by her desk for 5 min chat once a week or two weeks, i asked her if she wanted me to stop that she said no, but just not make it so obivious ur making the effort!

The part that jump out at me was this line.. under normal circumstance when things were said, it is very difficult to take back.. the way she probably see it is, she has broken it off with you, those words has been put in motion.. When you ask to have her back in your life, I don't think it help the process of mending if you ask her about it whether she want you to stop or not.. Kinda like bringing on sensitive issue head on..

Similar to sex, you don't really keep asking you partner 'how is that for you' every few minutes.. kinda same thing..

maybe continue to make the effort but don't bring back topic about this breaking off ever happen, over time she might slowly take it all in.. but if after 2 months or so and you're still not getting any good feedback, i'd say don't waste your time..

that's just my thought on this

iguana

I absolutely agree with DaisyM, she sounds like a total drama queen. You had just had a baby and she decides this is a good time to pull back from your friendship and 'test you' to see if you'd come running. She sounds like too much of an immature head wreck to waste your time on.

Curry Addict

good healthy friendships are about give and take. maybe you just took too much for too long and she got fed up.

neuro-praxis

iguana wrote: »

I absolutely agree with DaisyM, she sounds like a total drama queen. You had just had a baby and she decides this is a good time to pull back from your friendship and 'test you' to see if you'd come running. She sounds like too much of an immature head wreck to waste your time on.

I'm going to go against the grain here a little.

Perhaps your friend is someone who finds herself in patterns of being taken for granted over and over. It happens to lots of people. It may be that the time came when she was in real need and found that you, her closest friend, weren't available for her. Understandably, you had a lot going on yourself. But perhaps this was the straw that broke the camel's back for her, so to speak. Perhaps this was the time when she eventually felt, "I am just running on empty here. I can't be the person who fixes everything/does all the chasing anymore" and it just so happened to be you who bore the brunt of that. Perhaps in your absence she needed to come to terms with her problems by herself, and you got moved to the edges in the mean time.

It sounds like for whatever reason, she was hurt. And you have apologised and asked to make amends. You are a good friend. All you can do now is be patient. Remind her that she is important to you and the friendship is important to you, and don't give up on her during this rough period. With a bit of luck, you will both move through this patch and come out the other side better off for it. She will have broken a bad pattern of doing all the chasing and you will have stopped taking her for granted.

I wouldn't do all the running, though, if I were you. What this friendship needs is equality in my opinion. So do your bit, and do it consistently. It sounds like your friendship is worth fighting for. Best of luck to you.