Mum getting remarried

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

I am 22 years old and my mum is getting remarried next week. My parents split up around 1998 and finally got divorced last year as my mum wanted to get married after 10 or so years of being engaged.

This post is about my stepfather to be. I have never 100% liked him. I suppose it’s the typical – he’s taking over my dad’s role thing – yet recently it seems to have gotten worse, my dislike for him. I am still in regular contact with my real father and see him every week, but my stepfather, I see him every day as he is my boss aswell as my mam’s partner, and it’s getting to be quite a bit much.

Some of the things that really annoy me about him is him telling me what to do in the house – bringing glasses to the sink, turning lights off, changing toilets paper rolls, and he also slams the door a lot for no apparent reason and it really bugs me (one night at around 2.30am I heard the door slam, his bedroom door must have been open or banging and he got pissed off and slammed it, thing is, my mam was fast asleep in the bed beside him, why couldn’t he have closed it gently.. anyway, I know it sounds so extremely childish but I always felt that he should never have told us (my brother and I) what to do. I can remember the first time he told me to do something, I can’t remember what it was, but I remember thinking – why did you tell me to do that? That’s not your job. I think I was about 10 or 11 at the time. But I’ve kepy my mouth shut all these years and now it’s really starting to get to me.

It’s starting to affect my mood at home – I don’t feel comfortable there any more, and try and avoid going there as much as possible. I’m lucky that I have friends, a boyfriend, and my dad’s to escape to, but my mum is starting to notice it aswell, and I feel really horrible because she thinks it’s her when it’s not.

I’ve been to counselling recently and talked about this and the councellor is saying to do the thigns before he asks – e.g. bring the glasses to the sink/clean up after myself (I’m not messy, he is just extremely wired about cleanliness), and I have done it, but I havent been feeling great recently so I do forget. MY dad is saying to stand up for myself, but my stepfather is scary, and I tend to cry if I have to stand up for myself or confront someone. I just feel it’s going to get worse after the wedding because it will feel like he REALLY belongs there and he’ll be there for good.

I was just wondering whether any body else had these sort of problems and how they sorted them out. Any advice would be appreciated grately.

Thanks for reading, sorry it’s so long!

R.D. aka MR.D

Your 22 and an adult. You should act like one. Are you paying rent at home?

Think of it this way, if you were in a house share would you be leaving dishes out etc?

If you are acting like an adult he should treat you like one. Adults should sit down and discuss their problems and try to come to a compromise.

solovely

It sounds to me like a very normal parent/ adult child relationship. You sound very highly strung and stressed.

Besides what you have mentioned, has he said or done anything real to upset you? is he cruel to you, call you names, physically abusive, manipulative?

If not, the issue sounds to be with you, rather than with your stepdad. It just sounds like you've moved well past the age for living at home, and should be considering moving out? You're 22, most people are long gone at your age.

Are you financially contributing to the household? If not, and if he is, then he has every right to ask you to tidy up after yourself and and to make noise as he likes, especially if he is the paying your way!

You could be living with far far worse, just read down through some of the posts here to see.

You do sound incredibly sensitive, and it's great you are getting counselling for this. I really hope it helps. It's great you have other people to talk to and escape to too. In life, you will no doubt life with and have to cope with people far worse than your stepdad, so this could be a good life lesson for you.

In the meantime, would you not consider moving out after they get married? When you come home then you will be a visitor, and these things shouldn't irritate you so much. When we live with anyone, small things start to irritate us, which years later can seem ridiculous (I still can't share a room with my sister as her clicky throat noise wrecks my head!! and who knows how insane I'd go if I had to move back home with my own parents....we definitely wouldn't survive more than a few weeks - and I love my family to bits!!).

I am a friend

bugged123 wrote: »

H



Some of the things that really annoy me about him is him telling me what to do in the house – bringing glasses to the sink, turning lights off, changing toilets paper rolls

Why in the name fo God do you not do this anyway????

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Your 22 and an adult. You should act like one. Are you paying rent at home?

Think of it this way, if you were in a house share would you be leaving dishes out etc?

If you are acting like an adult he should treat you like one. Adults should sit down and discuss their problems and try to come to a compromise.

Exactly, why dont you move out seeing as you have a job.. maybe they want some time together as newly weds which is fair enough

daisybelle2008

bugged123 wrote: »

I just feel it’s going to get worse after the wedding because it will feel like he REALLY belongs there and he’ll be there for good.

So in your head he does not really belong there and you don't want him there for good?

Well clearly he does really belong there, it is his and your mothers home for many years.

He has given you a job and a place to live, he is your mothers choice of partner. Accept that. Maybe concentrate on the positive and on your mothers happiness and be a lot more tolerant of the man as he has of you.

When you are an adult guest in someones house, it is normal to go by their house rules and make more of an effort to accomodate them.

Try making an effort to be nice and accepting to him for a while and see how that goes, he is there for the long haul by the looks of things and you are only bruising yourself and creating unnecessary friction by not accepting that.

Taltos

OP

first off please continue with the counselling - and keep a log of events to share with your counsellor. Keeping track of days where you did as they suggested as well as how it made you feel etc.

Also - have you spoken to your mum about how you feel?
Just curious as to how supportive she has been to you in all of this?

In terms of moving out - look it is very easy to say this but if you are not ready to live alone or in a house share then I wouldn't rush into it - personally I moved out when I was 21. However maybe don't dismiss that suggestion straight away, again talk to your counsellor about it.

Something to work on though is the cause of these feelings - are the feelings due to being told what to do or is it that your mum has found happiness with someone other than your father? Again don't want to play pop psychologist here but I am hoping that you have worked through all of this with your counsellor. Personally when I fully understand why I feel a certain way I can begin to change my reaction to that emotion - for me it is all about repainting the cause to something that prompts in me a better reaction.

e.g.
Put those dishes away = currently > why is he always telling me what to do
could be
Put those dishes away = could be > it's great he is so houseproud, gawd knows mum hates plates lying around.

So - chat to your mum, try to understand why you are feeling like this and go back to your counsellor with the viewpoint that you are going to change how you deal with this to be a new better you. Above all else - if he makes your mother happy - well that says it all, sometimes we have to swallow our dislike for a person for the happiness of another (to a point).

username123

Why is he your boss as well as your mams partner? Thats never a good idea, especially if you have been feeling negative towards him since you were 10 or 11 years old!

What does your mum think about all of this?

What do you mean when you say he is scary? You are an adult, he is an adult, I dont understand a scary adult in this context?

Why does he have to tell you things to do at home, as a 22 year old adult why are you not just doing them yourself?

I think you need to think about moving out. Itd be good for you.

LegacyUser

It was a job, I wasn't going to turn down a job in this day and age no matter who the boss is. I do put away the dishes myself but its not my fault that I forget every now and again to take a glass back into the kitchen or put the clothes in the wash. I don't expect them to do it for me at all, but its just the glass isnt going to burn the house down if it stays there a day longer than expected. It's not the fact of doing these little things that are the problem, it's the fact that I feel he has no right to tell me what to do because he isnt my father.

I am all for my mother's happiness, I'd hate to see her upset and that is why I don't tell her. I can never explain the reason fully because it just sounds childish and immature.

I am thinking of moving out, and have done it before for college, and having to come back and live at home has been quite difficult. I feel guilty because I am given a lot of freedom but then resent this man for coming into our lives.

I know nothing can be done about it now, and that i just have to suck it up because i want my mother to be happy, but it still doesn't change the fact of how I feel. I am planning on moving out after the wedding, but it's taking longer than expected to find a place that I can afford.

But I am trying and I am working towards just accepting him the way he is.

Stavro Mueller

Have you considered moving out? I can understand why you're unhappy. If you don't like someone, you don't like someone. It doesn't matter if everyone else thinks they're the greatest thing since sliced bread. You don't like them and that's all that counts. I have friends whose parents are in second relationships and they tend to tolerate rather than particularly like the new partner.

At this stage of your life, you're an adult and it would do you no end of good to move out of home. It's sad that you're avoiding going home but that should be telling you something. It's not home as you knew it and unfortunately you can't ever go back to how it was I guess next week's wedding is just making it more permanent. It's also pretty incestuous that you're living with your boss .There's a lot riding on you and him staying on good terms. That's why I think moving out and giving them and you some much-needed space would help.

At your age, you probably should be wanting to build a life of your own, away from the shelter of your mum and the family home. Your home isn't the happy place it was when you were growing up but that's not to say that you can't have somewhere else where you can be happy again. It's just unlikely it's going to be your current home, unless you can put your problems with your stepfather behind you. By moving out you're not going to be cutting contact with them, just cutting the apron strings. There's nothing weird about a 22 year old adult wanting to live on their own. In fact, it's healthy. Most adult children would freely admit that while they love their parents dearly, there's no way they'd be able to live with them full-time.

LegacyUser

I want to make it clear that I do want to move out and that I understand that it is healthy for a person my age to do it, it's just taking longer than expected to find a place. But I am trying. I thank you all for your advice so far, it's given me a lot to think about. The next step for me now is to find this new place called home and go there as soon as possible.

solovely

bugged123 wrote: »

I do put away the dishes myself but its not my fault that I forget every now and again to take a glass back into the kitchen or put the clothes in the wash. I don't expect them to do it for me at all, but its just the glass isnt going to burn the house down if it stays there a day longer than expected. It's not the fact of doing these little things that are the problem, it's the fact that I feel he has no right to tell me what to do because he isnt my father.

I think you've built up a few small issues into a massive one in your head. I think Taltos suggestion of trying to reform how you think in certain situations would help massively. If your stepdad is paying his way in the house and supporting the household financially, he has every right to ask you to put things away.

You say you've lived away from home, so I'm sure you've seen yourself, in every houseshare, people will ask people to put the bins out, empty the dishwasher, change toilet rolls, etc. It's normal grown up living, and whether you live at home, or out in the real world, it's something you're going to have to face as you grow up!

Before you move out, you should work on refocusing your thinking, as if you have this issue with your Stepdad currently, you're likely to have it again with other people in the future, who may not be as understanding!

Good luck!

Curry Addict

it sounds like you are projecting your negative feeling about your parents split onto your stepdad. it sounds like hes not a bad sort at all, what you are describing are issues that are totally normal when people share a house with parents.
looking at things from his perspective may help give you a more rounded view and help you overcome your feelings, he loves your mother and has provided for you and given you a stable home for many years. he has looked after you maybe indirectly and contributed to making your life easy.

your negative feeling has probably prevented you from bonding with him from the start. this would be difficult for him also.