Help! Make or Break Chat tonight! Advice on what to do?

LegacyUser

Ok so seriously need some outsider advice on this one!

I'm seeing a guy 4 months that I met on a dating website. I really like him.

However....he's very closed off.

4 months in, I'm not entirely sure if we are a couple?! I've met one or 2 of his friends through being at his house - he was supposed to come to some parties with me but didn't make it - the whole thing in general feels a little hit and miss.

We don't go out a whole lot but we do have a great time together! He's very busy with work and training after work but if he's training all weekend he will bring me for breakfast if he has a spare hour or call over on his way home for a cup of coffee etc. so I know he's not using me...

The thing is - in all of this 4 months we have had discussions about how I find it weird when I don't hear from him for 2 days and he has said he is sorry, must try harder etc and then has made a proper effort.....

But - we have NEVER had a discussion about what it is we are doing, or where it is going or what it is we want from eachother or how much we like eachother......I've found him to be the most closed person I've ever met!

By co incidence one of my friends is very good friends with his Best mate and told her a few days ago regarding the guy I am "seeing" that he is "Seeing someone, but it's not serious"

So - I told him this morning that I thought we should have a talk so he's going to call later - I'd love things to work out but I'd also be happy to walk away if it looks like it's never foing to turn in to anything - I kinda just wana know where I stand for once and for all and I have a tendency to say stupid things so any advice on how not to be an idiot would be useful!

Thanks in advance

Elmidena

OP, I think you have your answer. His behaviour with you is wishywashy at best and cold at worst. You feel in limbo and as far as he's concerned it's been four months of nothing serious. I think this is a case of him not being alone but not committed...as much fun as you have is this split shift relationship really what you want? It doesn't sound that way in your post tbh. Keep your head high and someone with a lot more availability will come your way.

Best of luck OP

P. Breathnach

I take it that he is heavily involved in some sporting activity. That might mean that he has not given much time to affairs of the heart, and might not have the nous or cop-on to move a relationship forward. Or it might be that he likes you and enjoys your company, but does not see you as the person to make his life complete.

Lay it on the line. Ask him directly if he wants to make a go of the relationship. If he is unwilling to say yes, then call it quits.

I am a friend

Are you sleeping with him?

Miss Fluff

lastresort12 wrote: »

We don't go out a whole lot but we do have a great time together! He's very busy with work and training after work but if he's training all weekend he will bring me for breakfast if he has a spare hour or call over on his way home for a cup of coffee etc. so I know he's not using me...

He may not be using you but he's not exactly sweeping you off your feet is he? I'd consider a snatched cup of coffee pretty slim pickings tbh. I'm not talking about him being a flash git or anything but if he liked you then he'd be making you feel special and this guy clearly isn't doing that at all. After four months you should have a pretty clear idea of whether he is into you or not and he doesn't seem to be putting in that much effort. If you don't actually go out much I take it he just comes over for sex? Is that the case OP?

LegacyUser

Chat didn't happen last night, he wants us to talk face to face so we said we'd hang on till tonight.

yes we are sleeping together but he's not using me for sex...he's not really a sexually motivated person - I can tell....he's brought me and my dogs for walks and stuff and we have gone hiking etc which would never usually lead to sex.... I'm fairly confident he's not using me for sex - you'll just have to take my word for that one.

He's doing lots of triathalons during the summer so is on a crazy training routine, he's also had a bit of a trauma in his family - his mum was in an accident and hasn't recovered well at all - memory loss etc so he has been spending a lot of time with his dad - who isn't great at looking after himself and doesn't know what's hit him. He's the only child at home so it's put a lot of pressure on him and I know he's finding it tough as his dad is lost without his mum and is really depending on him

He has said to me a few times that he wishes he had met me before the accident too.

I have said to him before "It would be nice to go to the cinema" and then the next weekend he's booked cinema tickets...so I do think he likes me - I just don't know how to make him open up to me. If he doesn't open up to me it's never going to turn in to anything, at least that's how it feels

Johnny_BravoIII

He has said to me a few times that he wishes he had met me before the accident too.

I have said to him before "It would be nice to go to the cinema" and then the next weekend he's booked cinema tickets...so I do think he likes me

Relax.
4 months is a short period of time.
I'm not a constant contact type of guy.
It's fair that you get some level of reassurance which I think he's showing through his actions.

Be careful..this soon........if you start applying pressure to the things he holds dearest ie. sports, work & family........you'll get the flick.

ElleEm

I kind of agree with Johnny.
The guy seems to be interested in you, but is obviously busy with his own stuff. I would usually say someone who is making time for loads of sports and not you isn't that into you, but it seems to be family stuff as well.

Not speaking to him for two days after four months isn't that strange either.

Ask him if you are exclusive and tell him you'd appreciate him making more time for you. You'll find out then what he actually thinks.

I am a friend

lastresort12 wrote: »

yes we are sleeping together but he's not using me for sex...

I didnt mean that he was using you.... I would however, if I was sleeping with someone, want to knwo if it is exclusive or not..

Johnny_BravoIII wrote: »

if you start applying pressure to the things he holds dearest ie. sports, work & family........you'll get the flick.

I can see your point but if they are in a relationship then she shouldnt be worried about asking to see him. If he pushes back too much then he may not be the right guy for her.

LegacyUser

Oh we are exclusive! But I don't know if we are seeing eachother or we are a couple! There is no way he'd have time to be seeing more than one girl haha

to be honest, I really like him and I'm busy too - not in comparison to him but I'd be happy only seeing him a little bit if I was getting reassurance by him opening up and telling me he wants to be with me.....

I don't get any of that really, chat tonight! Fingers and toes crossed! I'll probably giggle my way through the whole thing

dellas1979

If he works very hard (what does he do that he is always so busy?) and trains hard (is he a pro or something?) that would be a red flag.

Johnny_BravoIII

I can see your point but if they are in a relationship then she shouldnt be worried about asking to see him. If he pushes back too much then he may not be the right guy for her.

She shouldn't be "worried" about asking to see him more.
The context is that this is still a very new relationship.
IMO it's still fairly reasonable for the guy to adopt a "see how it goes" approach. Add into the mix a fairly serious family crisis and life pressures & IMO its the wrong time for the OP to start pushing.

Tbh I think the whole "chat" things is bollix. You show someone you care by your actions.

She should simply say I understand the pressure you're under. I'd like you to talk to me more but I know this will take a while. I won't be around always to suit your perfect timetable. Show me you want me through your actions and by making the occasional sacrifice for me.

LegacyUser

Thanks all

Some of the points you have all made really helped last night!

OMG he so wasn't comfortable talking - I felt so awful as he was squirming - mostly out of embarrassment - which I found mental but I suppose everyone is different!

When I said I didn't know what "this" is he said it was us making a go at having a relationship and when I said I didn't know if I was his girlfriend or not or if he was my boyfriend he got so embarrassed and said "Well I'm not hanging around with any other girls"

It was a bit teenagerish - which I must admit I found quite cute and a little endearing.

He had no idea that all this had been on my mind but whenwe got talking he said he had been distant and when he talked more about it, it backed up a lot of other stuff he has said - apparently family members have said they are worried about him since the accident happened as he has become very introverted and he's not coming to terms with his mums condition very well - which I totally understand.

He did ask was there anything else on my mind, so he does wanna do the right thing for sure.

I feel better today but I did find his squirming and really not wanting to talk really weird! Maybe it's a guy thing

P. Breathnach

The poor fella! I can empathise with him.

But you seem to have done the right thing, and maybe you and he can now start to build a relationship. Good luck with it.