falling out with friend... advice needed urgently

emememem

Hi all, I could really do with advice on a falling out i had with a friend recently. I have a large close group of friends all just finishing university and had agreed to spend the summer in canada together. However I have recently fallen out very nastily with one of the group. I found out she was lying to me and sneaking behind my back. Everything I've seen from her in the last couple of weeks is telling me she is not to be trusted. Its all been lies on top of lies and even when caught out she has never admitted to being wrong. The rest of our friends have tried to stay out of it but its almost impossible for them. Anyone that knows the full story is on my 'side'. However there are a few who I know she has been talking to and while they're trying to be impartial she is very good at convincing people that she has done nothing wrong. This is not the first time she has been in this situation and I fell for her act the last time round. none of her original friends from school are talking to her.. and another friend who would have been close to her has warned us not to trust her...which to me says a lot. I've tried not to be two faced and she knows that I am still not right with her but she's acting like nothing happened at all.... her attitude is so brash. I am civil to her with the group so as not to cause tension but I try to spend as little time as possible with her and I do not make contact. She is aware of this because she has said it to another friend.

The issue is the summer plans...despite never having discussed the issue with me or any of the group she has gone ahead and booked her flights. I had mine booked with the deposit prior to the fight. she did not. I really dont feel I can live with her. I've become so paranoid the last couple of weeks wondering what she's been saying and to who. I know she painted her old friends out to be bitches to me and i'm terrified she's doing the same again. I really dont want to waste a summer which is costing me a lot of money living in a house with tension and bitchiness. and its not fair on our friends. on a night out recently i could see how the summer will end up. all it takes is a little too much drink and everything comes out. I let rip to people I shouldnt have and i'm disgusted with myself for it. its not in my personality and i'm so ashamed for it. the drink just sent my insecurities spiralling out of control. This whole situation is turning me into someone I do not want to be. On top of all this I have found out that she's still continuing with the very thing we fell out about. which to me shows at the very least a lack of self awareness and at worse a complete lack of respect or loyalty towards me.

On top of this the two girls who have lived with her this year have come out and said that they dont want to travel with her either. One of the girls had said it before this happened and the other has had all her doubts reinforced by this situation. They have described her as hell to live with and have cited numerous examples. these girls have also come very close to saying something on a night out.

But we don't know what to do... we all feel like horrible people for this. basically without us she has no one to go with. we are her only group of friends. but is it worse to go to canada knowing that there is no way we will last the summer. I dont even know why she wants to come with us. she knows the 3 of us barely speak to her unless we have to. i cant understand it at all. should we say straight out we dont want to go with her? or do we just suck it up... any help would be really appreciated. I know its hard to judge when i havent divulged everything that happened but anything would help. thanks in advance

Rosy Posy

Canada is a biiiiig place...just because she is going over at the same time as you doesn't mean you have to live with her or have anything to do with her over there. If, as you say, there are at least three of you that don't want to live with her then find a place of your own to stay and minimise contact.

I would caution you against getting friends to choose sides or badmouthing her to others. It will only reflect badly on you in the long run (look how you view her calling her old friends b1tches). The best way for you to get the upper hand is to let it go and go on with your life. I can honestly say that, from being through a number of these friendship 'shake downs' in my teens and twenties, that the only regrets I have is of expending so much time and energy on them. I know it seems important now but try not to fuel the drama and for goodness sake don't let it spoil your summer!

Best of luck.

tinkerbell

If there's 3 of you going who don't want to live with her, then why can't you just get a place of your own together? She's the one being horrible to you so why should you bend over backwards for her? Life's too short to be wasting it on people who treat you like crap.

Neyite

tinkerbell wrote: »

If there's 3 of you going who don't want to live with her, then why can't you just get a place of your own together? She's the one being horrible to you so why should you bend over backwards for her? Life's too short to be wasting it on people who treat you like crap.

^^^This.

If all of you are in agreement, then the three of you need to sit down and tell her straight - that the three of you are in agreement you dont want to live with her for the summer because she is so unpleasant to live with. Tell her your minds are made and that she will have to make her own accomodation arrangements.

rainbowtrout

emememem wrote: »

On top of this the two girls who have lived with her this year have come out and said that they dont want to travel with her either. One of the girls had said it before this happened and the other has had all her doubts reinforced by this situation. They have described her as hell to live with and have cited numerous examples. these girls have also come very close to saying something on a night out.

But we don't know what to do... we all feel like horrible people for this. basically without us she has no one to go with. we are her only group of friends. but is it worse to go to canada knowing that there is no way we will last the summer. I dont even know why she wants to come with us. she knows the 3 of us barely speak to her unless we have to. i cant understand it at all. should we say straight out we dont want to go with her? or do we just suck it up... any help would be really appreciated. I know its hard to judge when i havent divulged everything that happened but anything would help. thanks in advance

In a word, yes.

Look you may not want to make her feel bad, or try and save face in front of the group, but you do have to think of yourself first. Why would three of you agree to live with someone for three months that none of you like? The next time it comes up, which I'm sure will be fairly soon, make a decision between the three of you not to live with her, and let her know. And then go ahead and make plans for the three of you. Otherwise if you make plans for the three of you and not let her know what will happen is she will get on the plane with you, none the wiser, or playing dumb, and then will say she has nowhere to stay in Canada and you will find she is living with you for the summer because you won't say no. Life is too short for living with people you don't like, especially when you have a choice in the matter.

Remember, you are not responsible for her. She booked her own flights, that doesn't mean you have to live with her as a consequence. She can make her own arrangements.

I was supposed to go on holidays to New York a couple of years ago with a friend. We were out one night a few weeks before we were supposed to go. I was seeing a guy at the time, it was her first time meeting him, she threw herself at him, not once but twice. He had to push her off him both times. There's more to the story than that, but not going to hijack your thread. Point of story: had a full and frank discussion with her a few days later and told her what I thought of her behaviour and that I didn't want to go on holiday with her. And that was the end of it.

emememem

thanks so much for all the advice guys. really appreciate it. I think we knew we had to say something. just think we're feeling hugely guilty that this will probably ruin her summer but its clear she's not guilty about what she's done to us. we're going to talk to her tomorrow evening. I'll keep ye posted. things will probably get messy!!

@rainbowtrout... sounds like we have the same friend. very similar carry on! how did your friend react? was there much fall out with mutual friends?

rainbowtrout

emememem wrote: »

thanks so much for all the advice guys. really appreciate it. I think we knew we had to say something. just think we're feeling hugely guilty that this will probably ruin her summer but its clear she's not guilty about what she's done to us. we're going to talk to her tomorrow evening. I'll keep ye posted. things will probably get messy!!

@rainbowtrout... sounds like we have the same friend. very similar carry on! how did your friend react? was there much fall out with mutual friends?

...very noble of you, but if you let her go with you she will more than likely ruin yours...

There was no fall out. Plenty of people witnessed her behaviour, she denied it claiming the 'I was so drunk last night, I don't remember anything' excuse, but she was trying to save face in front of our colleagues more than anything. I work with her so I have to get on with her, and we get on fine now, but it was an interesting couple of weeks all the same.

AngryBollix

In these situations it always pays to trust your instincts.

If she regains your trust fair enough but otherwise go with your gut

emememem

lads ye wont believe the evening i just had with her...
so we sat her down and said straight out look i dont think us living together will work out. basically outlined that i didnt trust her at all and i thought it'd be a huge mistake if we went away together. i said that the last weeks have been hell that both of us are so paranoid wondering what the other says and that this will carry through to the summer. that in the end of the day i didnt believe her excuses and nothing will change that. said that it would be naive of us to think that we could go through the summer and these issues wont keep coming up. and its too much money to waste just trying to sweep things under the carpet like we've been doing.

the other girls also said they didnt trust her and that they werent happy to live with her. but they have less solid ground to stand on, she's actually done something to me whereas they just have a general mistrust and dislike but no solid reason.

so after all this she goes that living in separate apartments wont make a difference we'll be spending so much time in each others company we may as well be living together. even though i kept saying us living together wont work. she was like we wont find accommodation apart.

she kept going back over what happened and giving me the same excuses.. each time i said i dont believe you. and she kept saying how can we work it out if you keep saying that. like she was almost getting at me that i'm now in the wrong that i wont get over it.

i went as far to say i would go to a different city with other people we knew. the other two girls also agreed. she then goes yea but so will john and lucy (our other friends) cause they wanted to go there in the first place so 'i'm going with ye if that happens'!!!

i also said that if it wasnt for the summer or our other friends i wouldnt even consider trying to fix what happened and that if i hadnt of booked my flights prior to this fight i wouldnt be going.

like i said earlier i know she's still carrying on with the thing that we fell on about and i told her on 3 seperate occasions that i trust her so little that i wouldnt be shocked to hear that it was still going on even though she knows how angry and disappointed i would be if it was....she didnt say anything. my other friend asked her out right was it still going on and she lied and said no!!

basically we left it at i defo wouldnt live in the same apartment with her... she kept pressing me to commit to going to the same city but i said i needed more time to think.

what on earth am i supposed to do??

Wompa1

emememem wrote: »

lads ye wont believe the evening i just had with her...
so we sat her down and said straight out look i dont think us living together will work out. basically outlined that i didnt trust her at all and i thought it'd be a huge mistake if we went away together. i said that the last weeks have been hell that both of us are so paranoid wondering what the other says and that this will carry through to the summer. that in the end of the day i didnt believe her excuses and nothing will change that. said that it would be naive of us to think that we could go through the summer and these issues wont keep coming up. and its too much money to waste just trying to sweep things under the carpet like we've been doing.

the other girls also said they didnt trust her and that they werent happy to live with her. but they have less solid ground to stand on, she's actually done something to me whereas they just have a general mistrust and dislike but no solid reason.

so after all this she goes that living in separate apartments wont make a difference we'll be spending so much time in each others company we may as well be living together. even though i kept saying us living together wont work. she was like we wont find accommodation apart.

she kept going back over what happened and giving me the same excuses.. each time i said i dont believe you. and she kept saying how can we work it out if you keep saying that. like she was almost getting at me that i'm now in the wrong that i wont get over it.

i went as far to say i would go to a different city with other people we knew. the other two girls also agreed. she then goes yea but so will john and lucy (our other friends) cause they wanted to go there in the first place so 'i'm going with ye if that happens'!!!

i also said that if it wasnt for the summer or our other friends i wouldnt even consider trying to fix what happened and that if i hadnt of booked my flights prior to this fight i wouldnt be going.

like i said earlier i know she's still carrying on with the thing that we fell on about and i told her on 3 seperate occasions that i trust her so little that i wouldnt be shocked to hear that it was still going on even though she knows how angry and disappointed i would be if it was....she didnt say anything. my other friend asked her out right was it still going on and she lied and said no!!

basically we left it at i defo wouldnt live in the same apartment with her... she kept pressing me to commit to going to the same city but i said i needed more time to think.

what on earth am i supposed to do??

I assume a lot of your time is going to be spent working and whatever time you aren't working will be spent exploring. Which she's kind of right, if you have the same group of friends, you'll be together anyway. If I was you I'd let her and the other friends off and go do my own thing.

rainbowtrout

emememem wrote: »

so after all this she goes that living in separate apartments wont make a difference we'll be spending so much time in each others company we may as well be living together. even though i kept saying us living together wont work. she was like we wont find accommodation apart.

She doesn't get to choose who you want to live with, only you have that choice. One thing you should be prepared for is that she follows you to Canada and you spend some time living in a hostel, looking for accommodation etc, so you find a place and she begs the other girls to let her live with you and they give in and say OK, and then it's 3 against 1. So if you can organise accommodation before you go, all the better.

emememem wrote: »

i went as far to say i would go to a different city with other people we knew. the other two girls also agreed. she then goes yea but so will john and lucy (our other friends) cause they wanted to go there in the first place so 'i'm going with ye if that happens'!!!

Again she can follow you to whatever city she wants but she can't force you to live with her. What exactly is her problem? Why does she want to spend the summer with people who don't want her around?

emememem wrote: »

basically we left it at i defo wouldnt live in the same apartment with her... she kept pressing me to commit to going to the same city but i said i needed more time to think.

what on earth am i supposed to do??

You don't have to give her any commitment, it should be fairly clear that you don't want to live with her or have anything to do with her for the summer. Even if you're living in separate apartments you don't have to spend any time with her if you don't want to, it's your choice not hers.

Fair play to you for trying to do something about it.

emememem

hey thanks again for your help. really appreciate it. i called her up on lying to me again and said that it ended any doubt i had. basically said that from now on i would be planning my summer without her. i didnt like doing it but feel it was necessary. its not that i want her to be alone but i dont want her to be with me. its now up to our friends really what they want to do. i feel bad for her but this is the best decision for everyone i think. at least its honest. i cant stop her from coming to the same place but at least everyone knows fully where i stand. thanks again for all your help its nice to have reassurance we're doing the right thing.