Inlaws

Airhead21

Ahhhhhhh my head is melted My husbands birthday was a few weeks we have been away for past few weekends due to friends weddings and other commitments we have not been down the country to see his family since.
We decided Yesterday morning we would go down this weekend and i would text this mam and sisters that we get on wit and invite them to come out for dinner on sunday so that was perfect. They all text back and said they would be delighted to go. I booked a table for all of us and that was fine. Until, his mam rang yesterday evening to know why his youngest sister (evil cow) was not invited he explained that due to her ruining my hen and our wedding he did not want to see her! Once a year is enough to see her (xmas)!!! His mother gave out and said well if she wasn't invited none of them were going!
I find this very annoying as his sisters offen have bbq and lunches and never invite us but we dont kick up. Im so angry!!!

What to do..................:mad:

I am a friend

Do nothing. Its his family so let him deal with it.

Airhead21

Airhead21 wrote: »

Until, his mam rang yesterday evening to know why his youngest sister (evil cow) was not invited he explained that due to her ruining my hen and our wedding he did not want to see her! Once a year is enough to see her (xmas)!!! His mother gave out and said well if she wasn't invited none of them were going!

You seem to be forgetting that, evil cow or not, this woman is still your mother in law's daughter. No matter what she does or how much trouble she causes you, she'll always be her mother's child, and you can't blame her mother for wanting to stick up for her.

Airhead21

I understand that but what about her son????
Has he not got feeling to??? He feels left out at times when they do things without him.
If they are not going to this because she is not being invited for a good reson should she not have said last month or last year that she was not going to her daughters because her son was not invited for any valid reason????

I am a friend

Can I ask how ye fell out. Is he siding with you over his sister over an issue you had with her? It sounds like that but I could be wrong.

dixiefly

you probably should have invited the youngest sister & she prob wouldnt have come. If she had and misbehaved then he family would have seen her for what she is.

blatantrereg

I am a friend wrote: »

Do nothing. Its his family so let him deal with it.

I very strongly agree with this advice.

OP: Let's be honest here. This really isn't down to concern for your husband's feelings. If it was, then you wouldnt have said that leaving him seemed like a good option [and then deleted it]. You're just pretending you are motivated by concern for him to take the moral high ground. The real issue is that you've been offended by his sister and you're not letting that drop.

I dont know anything about how she offended you, and I'm not assuming your outrage over whatever it was is out of proportion. I'm just suggesting you would be better to be honest about it, especially with yourself.

Controlling people is exhausting, often impossible, and even when someone accepts it, it just weakens them. I dont think it's too great a leap in the dark to say that you are pretty controlling of your husband: You're the one organising your meeting up with his family; You pass off your own personal outrage as concern for his feelings; he is at war with his family over some offence caused to you.

He accepts you being controlling to him it is normal. It's normal to him because his mother is clearly pretty controlling herself: She didn't just say she wasn't going - she said nobody else would be either. [Now if her youngest is old enough to be attending a hen party, then maybe her children should be making their own decisions by now].

So now you have a war over who gets her way. Between you and his mother. Your husband's feelings are treated with contempt by both of you. You just blame each other for the considerable distress you both must be causing him.

Neither you nor his mother take responsibility for your own behaviour. Neither of you respect him enough to recognise that his relationships with other family members are his own business - not your responsibility at all.

None of these things are massive leaps really.

Really my advice boils down to the comment I quoted. It's his responsibility how he deals with his family. Decide that it is his responsibility and tell him so. Perhaps make the observation to him that his mother might be better off realising the same thing - that it's up to him whom he invites and whom not. Perhaps say that you dont want to come between him and his family. Accept that he might want to meet up with his youngest sister - just because it's his youngest sister. You dont have to go along too if he does. Maybe tell him that too.

That sort of approach is better for everyone - including yourself. It also undermines any bad things people might be saying about you. If there are games going on, you are best off refusing to play.

Beruthiel

I am a friend wrote: »

Do nothing. Its his family so let him deal with it.

Totally agree.
You should not be getting in the middle of this.
It is between your husband and his family, no good will come of it if you get involved.

hoodwinked

Op you said in your other thread on this:

He hasnt stood up to them because he hates confrentation and rows! And they think if they push it they will get there own way!

you cannot force your partner to be confrontational, nor can you be confrontational for him. If he lets them get their own way then so be it, thats his choice to make, and he will deal with the consequences either by letting it go, or eventually when he's ready standing up for himself,

but its something you need to let him do and you need to just support him regardless of the decision he makes with regards to his family.

daisybelle2008

Airhead21 wrote: »

What to do..................:mad:

Do this, read Blatantreregs email until it sinks in.

Are people really this petty and immature that they cannot be civil to people within their family? There are absolutely no winners in letting this nonsense escalate to the point you are 'so angry'.
You are only bruising yourself creating this war with your husbands family. When you believe people act badly the best thing you can do is turn the other cheek, ignore the drama, get on with your life and be happy.

You are desperately trying to teach her a lesson and make her suffer for your perceived slights of the past. This keeps the drama alive and is going to do you and your OH no good. That is why your head is melted. The frustration of trying to get one over on her is only going to make you suffer. Now you are dragging everyone else into it.

What on earth would be the problem with inviting her and moving on from the drama? If she comes or not, who cares. One extra person at dinner or not, all family invited. Have a nice dinner and be nice, personalities and opinions are always going to vary on every subject. If you can't handle that, you are going to allow a lot of conflict in your life.

Not inviting her was a hostile move, designed with an agenda to punish her. Invite the girl and end the drama. Your call, unless you are so insecure and unhappy that you want to keep the drama and hostility alive until nobody is talking to anyone and you 'win'.

It reminds me of the other thread where the OP was 'demanding apologies' and ignoring his family, because he thought his partners gf, who he hates anyway, blanked him at some event. Jesus wept, the irony and ridiculousness of it all.
Why not just let go of past and allow peace in you and your husbands life???

Airhead21

hi guys,

After reading the replies I started to wonder was there more wrong with our relationship and was i trying to control my husband. We have started counseling and it has been really good for both of us and for dealing with the issues I have with his family.

Thanks for all of the replies