I asked a guy where we stood...

LegacyUser

Am all over the place about this and need to get it off my chest. I am a fairly rational human being, but all logic and listening to advice has flown out the window.

I met a guy about 6 months ago. Casual. No committment. Met up (no nookie), texted, friend on fb (why I dont know).

We always kept in contact. I wasnt sure about him and I think he the same about me. We havent met in about 2 months but kept in contact. I know red flags going up already. Anyways, lately my feelings for him have gotton stonger and stronger. I really want to meet him again. And I have let him know this. And he very casually said yeah sure. Was a very underwhelming response I guess. So we kind of arranged to meet up but it didnt happen (he was working). So, I asked him directly where I stood i.e. I like him but feel it needs to move forward at this stage, and he never answered the question but kept txtin/chattin away. Same thing last night. Chatting away about nothing really, and I get the urge to ask him again, so I do, and no response. Am driving myself demented. I know if he wanted me/to get to know me better, it probably wouldve happened already.

If even I got a "never want to see you again" response there would be closure. But nothing. Think Ive pissed him off. I put him on the spot I guess, but I know what I want and am a fairly direct person. As said this is going on months so it needs to move somewhere. I think am after comin across as an awful gobsheit. Is it ok to ask these things? I know it is casual at the mo, but at least to know if was going anywhere.

blatantrereg

It seems a bit odd to ask him that when you havent seen him in two months, and it sounds like you've only met him a few times and maybe not even kissed.

I am a friend

You dont need closure - him ignoring your question (repeatedly) is the only answer you are going to get..

Of course its ok to ask these things but at this stage have some pride and move on..

minidazzler

If I was the guy in that situation and hadn't met you in 2 months for whatever reason it would be because I wasn't all that interested in you. I'd be doing it for maybe an ego boost of having someone want me or because the person texts me and I can't not text back. He could be the same.

Has he made any suggestions to meet up in the last two months or was it just you suggesting that once?


I wouldn't expect him to answer where you stand, if you haven't been meeting up then ye are essentially text buddies. It can't really be much more.

rainbowtrout

dididorightthing wrote: »

Am all over the place about this and need to get it off my chest. I am a fairly rational human being, but all logic and listening to advice has flown out the window.

I met a guy about 6 months ago. Casual. No committment. Met up (no nookie), texted, friend on fb (why I dont know).

We always kept in contact. I wasnt sure about him and I think he the same about me. We havent met in about 2 months but kept in contact. I know red flags going up already. Anyways, lately my feelings for him have gotton stonger and stronger. I really want to meet him again. And I have let him know this. And he very casually said yeah sure. Was a very underwhelming response I guess. So we kind of arranged to meet up but it didnt happen (he was working). So, I asked him directly where I stood i.e. I like him but feel it needs to move forward at this stage, and he never answered the question but kept txtin/chattin away. Same thing last night. Chatting away about nothing really, and I get the urge to ask him again, so I do, and no response. Am driving myself demented. I know if he wanted me/to get to know me better, it probably wouldve happened already.

If even I got a "never want to see you again" response there would be closure. But nothing. Think Ive pissed him off. I put him on the spot I guess, but I know what I want and am a fairly direct person. As said this is going on months so it needs to move somewhere. I think am after comin across as an awful gobsheit. Is it ok to ask these things? I know it is casual at the mo, but at least to know if was going anywhere.

Why should you feel bad about asking him? You're entitled to ask after this long. Anyway you've asked him twice and he's avoided the question twice. It's not like he didn't see that line of your text. If he wanted to take things further he would. He just isn't saying no so he can keep his options open. If he says no, he knows that you will more than likely knock the casual thing on the head, but as you haven't seen him for 2 months I would say there's nothing in it.

Killed By Death

dididorightthing wrote: »

And he very casually said yeah sure. Was a very underwhelming response I guess. So we kind of arranged to meet up but it didnt happen (he was working)

Well that's pretty indicative right there OP. I'm sorry but he doesn't really give a fig about you. You might be a backburner option or ego fluffer but nothing more.

dididorightthing wrote: »

So, I asked him directly where I stood i.e. I like him but feel it needs to move forward at this stage, and he never answered the question but kept txtin/chattin away. Same thing last night. Chatting away about nothing really, and I get the urge to ask him again, so I do, and no response.

OP, that's a 'NO' clear as day. No answer/evasiveness means no.

dididorightthing wrote: »

If even I got a "never want to see you again" response there would be closure.

People RARELY if ever give an explicit negative response. They expect you to work it out for yourself by their lack of interest/lack of response.

dididorightthing wrote: »

But nothing. Think Ive pissed him off. I put him on the spot I guess, but I know what I want and am a fairly direct person. As said this is going on months so it needs to move somewhere. I think am after comin across as an awful gobsheit. Is it ok to ask these things? I know it is casual at the mo, but at least to know if was going anywhere.

The answer couldn't be clearer. It's not going anywhere. This is not how someone acts when they're into you. It's not that it's 'not ok' to ask these things but the fact is they're already as obvious as they could be. A lack of interest on his behalf and evasiveness/ignoring you when you ask is a clear and definite no. So by asking you are just making yourself seem desperate.

A lot of the time people feel a misguided sense of 'guilt' about saying clearly 'sorry I'm just not interested' when really it would be the kindest thing to do.

Or if they are users they won't say; 'sorry I'm just in it for the sex until something better comes along'. People won't explicitly spell that out, as they want to keep their options open.

So much of understanding relationships is in understanding that people communicate through behaviour not what is said/not said verbally.

jellygems

his ignoring ur question is the answer

stranger101

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like he's interested. I know what you mean, I wish people could just be more direct and honest so that you could just put it behind you and move on. Sounds like he is using you as an ego boost. From my experience I have found if a guy does like you he will usually make it clear. My advice is to just stop texting him, it will only drive you crazy and in fact probably just make you like him more.

LegacyUser

Ok-I hear loud and clear what is being said. And from this moment on, I will not contact him or instigate anything in an effort to move on in my life and clear my head, because I am desperate to do so at this stage.

The thing the resonates with me is that I feel like a fool or crazy person for asking him, twice, about this. Feel like a right old needy, desperate, ejit.

I am a friend

Once would have been plenty... I personally would not have asked though.

Killed By Death

dididorightthing wrote: »

Ok-I hear loud and clear what is being said. And from this moment on, I will not contact him or instigate anything in an effort to move on in my life and clear my head, because I am desperate to do so at this stage.

The thing the resonates with me is that I feel like a fool or crazy person for asking him, twice, about this. Feel like a right old needy, desperate, ejit.

Ah don't beat yourself up Op. You've learned a valuable lesson at least. Yes it's embarrassing and you will cringe for a while but in a few weeks you won't care and when you do meet someone who's into you you'll be much more clued in.

All the best op.

_dublinlad_

I wish I could give a different answer to this. But from a guys perspective, from what you have said - he is just not that in to you.

If he was - you would have gone on many a date by now, had sex, met his friends etc..

The fact that he completely ignored your very valid question makes me believe he is a complete dick that dosent deserve any more of your time.

What I would do is not contact him again, wait for him to ring you (not text) dont even answer his first few calls, then answer and act alouf as if you forget who he is... see how he reacts to this... it may give him the kick in the ass to get moving with things.

However not talking to him ever again would be more then likely be the healtiest way forward..

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Do not for a second beat yourself up over this. You asked twice because this guy did not have the decency or courage to be direct and honest with you. there is nothing worse than not knowing where you stand with someone and you have every right to ask.

Its not as if he told you that he wasn't interested and you asked again. I have to say that I have had experience of guys like this and they make you feel needy or psycho for asking. its his problem not yours. I really don;t understand why people can;t be more honest with each other. Its so hurtful and disrespectful to be reckless with people's feelings like he is doing.

Definetely cut your losses here, what he is doing is cruel. You were right to ask twice. You gave him benefit of the doubt first time and then asked again. If you hadn;t asked again you might be left wondering. You have your answer now. I hate this women are needy/psycho crap because they are asking for some respect and maturity! Don't make this about you - he is the one with the issues here!

Good luck

Defiler Of The Coffin

dididorightthing wrote: »

Ok-I hear loud and clear what is being said. And from this moment on, I will not contact him or instigate anything in an effort to move on in my life and clear my head, because I am desperate to do so at this stage.

The thing the resonates with me is that I feel like a fool or crazy person for asking him, twice, about this. Feel like a right old needy, desperate, ejit.

It's never a nice feeling when you are rejected by a person you like but that is life. You didn't do anything wrong, you reached out to this guy and he rebuffed you, not in an explicit manner but that's just the way he is. At least you had the balls to ask him, better than saying nothing and wondering for ages to come.

You're not a fool, there's always a risk of getting hurt when we open ourselves up to people, sadly it didn't work out for you this time but keep a positive attitude and things will turn out well for you

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the words.

I heard back and got the "just want to be friends", so that is it, clear cut.
Am pretty sad and hurt right now, but sort of relieved. At least I know no more hope and there is some closure. Ive removed him from facebook (that would have been too hard for me-I debated it but I know I would have checked his page, wanting info but that doesnt serve me at all).

I do hope I meet someone (am mid-30s and its hard out there)-he is the first guy in 2 years of singledom that I actually liked and I think I did fall for him.

So many lessons to be learned from this, but am too upset right now. It was actually kind of fun and flattering thinking that someone like him might like me. Guess I fell flat on my face.

blatantrereg

Glad you got closure anyways.

I'll throw out there that I didn't identify with the point of view that seems to be shared with everyone else here (and I am a guy in my thirties). Personally if I was the guy in that situation, my behaviour wouldn't indicate an absence of interest. If I wasn't interested at all I would just make it clear as soon as I knew you were. Not wanting to answer would indicate I was probably open to something developing. If I was the guy in that story, I would have been put off by feeling pressurised.

I dont know, maybe I took it up wrong, but perhaps you feel excess pressure to get into an official relationship when you meet someone you like, which maybe could have a negative effect on one developing naturally.

ButterflyABC

dididorightthing wrote: »

Thanks so much for all the words.

I heard back and got the "just want to be friends", so that is it, clear cut.
Am pretty sad and hurt right now, but sort of relieved. At least I know no more hope and there is some closure. Ive removed him from facebook (that would have been too hard for me-I debated it but I know I would have checked his page, wanting info but that doesnt serve me at all).

I do hope I meet someone (am mid-30s and its hard out there)-he is the first guy in 2 years of singledom that I actually liked and I think I did fall for him.

So many lessons to be learned from this, but am too upset right now. It was actually kind of fun and flattering thinking that someone like him might like me. Guess I fell flat on my face.

Well as you said at least you have closure now. It's a horrible feeling being rejected. You WILL meet someone so keep positive.

You definitely made the right decision deleting him of fb as it would just drive you crazy checking his page.

I'm 30 and also had a similar situation recently where I hadn't really liked someone in ages and was hit like a ton of bricks when I met someone I liked after a couple of years of not liking anyone!

Hugs to you, I know how you're feeling but it'll pass.

LegacyUser

Closure doesnt mean it still doesnt hurt though :-(.

I know what you mean by him feeling pressurised, but to be honest, it was a case of him sitting on the fence for the last I dont know how many months, not making any effort, and really it wasnt good enough and that hope or not knowing was making me really upset. He knew I liked him.

There is a bit of distance between us also (as in Kms) so there wasnt any real way to spend time together. I would have made the effort, but I guess he didnt want to. He wont have to worry about that now. At least I had the balls to find out.

I wish time would fly by so I could get over this. Feel sad.

LegacyUser

I feel like a ball of stress and anxiety at the moment and keep looking at my phone hoping he'll change his mind. Why cant I just accept what he said? For the initial few days, I was ok, now it hurts that Ill never hear from him again. Ive been keeping myself busy all weekend but it doesnt seem to be working. Why cant I move on?? This is harder than I though and he is always on my mind.

phdgirl

Oh, OP I really feel for you. The same thing happened to me last year.. I think it's doubly hard when you really feel you click with someone (and that comes along so few and far between) and it isn't reciprocated. Don't be thinking you're desperate or a clingy person - I know it's easy to feel this way but you had the guts to put yourself out there and I think you should take the positive from that: you put youself out there and that is such a cool and brave thing to do. So well done for doing that!

Unlike the majority of posters here, I don't think that he was using you for an ego boost or anything. People can just say no if you text them and ask to meet up. There are probably other things in his personal life that are stopping him from pursuing something with you. Be it work, past relationships, whatever. You seem really nice and I'm sure he was happy to hang out with you - otherwise he'd have said no on one of the past occasions you met up.

You did well deleting him from facebook, just try not to fixate on things too much, especially not on how this makes you feel bad about yourself. If you're anything like me you'll sit and think it's all down to you - too ugly, fat, stupid, talkative, annoying.. these were all the things I beat myself up about in the weeks after my rejection. Turns out the night I was rejected another guy in the place we were at had a huge crush on me and was too shy to say! So you never know what's around the corner!

The fact you had a fleeting meet-up type dalliance with this guy makes it so much easier to convince yourself you have real feelings for him. You see him once every so often, then have weeks to think about him and idealise.. If he really were the great guy you think he is, he would be jumping at the chance to go out with you. Just remember that! All the stuff that happened with the guy I liked occurred in November and the fact I'm writing about this to you on here shows that it still stings. Which is ridiculous considering I'm a pretty well-rounded person with great friends and a career. I don't think it's a weakness though, that I care, and that I put myself out there and I got my feelings hurt and sometimes still get flickers of feeling down about it all. Don't pressure yourself to move on or feel bad about moping. Just don't let this experience stop you from going out and trying to meet new people and finding a spark with someone real.

Big hugs

LegacyUser

Fair fecks to ya for taking the bull by the horns. It's not your fault that you liked him. At least now you know exactly where you stand Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you're a bit lonely and a bit worried that you'll not meet someone. I don't care what anyone says. Being a single woman in her mid thirties onwards is no joke if you want to meet someone.

Of course you're going to find it tough. Even if you weren't a proper couple, you've been going around with this guy in your head and giving yourself false hope. It's hard to give that up. Especially if you've been living in something of a fantasy land.

So far you're doing the right thing. Cutting contact is the only way. You need to wean yourself off this guy and make yourself emotionally available. Naturally it will take time so just keep doing what you're doing. As he fades from your memory and isn't a habit any more, you can move on.

LegacyUser

phdgirl your post is only 4 paragraphs long, but you have made so much sense. So much. It was a relief to read it. Thank you. I think I let my imagination run away with this guy because I liked him and felt a connection. Maybe I created or put in bits where they were missing or lacking, like filling a gap, so I ended up thinking he was great and a big loss to me. That sounds mad, doesnt it?

It is very comforting to know there are people out there who understand me.