wife leaving me

LegacyUser

my wife last nite told me our marriage was over. no one else is involved. does not love me anymore and its finished. we have 4 young kids and i do not know what to do. I am literally at my wits end and cant think straight. I had a feeling for past few months it was coming and I am at breakdown point. Please help...I have to get away and clear my head or I will just crumble to nothing. My head is just a complete and utter mess. Any one any ideas if i can check myself in somewhere. I really am all alone and f.ed up.

ElleEm

You poor thing. You must be so confused.

Are you looking for a place to just be alone for a few days? There are a few retreat centres you could look into.

LegacyUser

op here again. I just cannot put down in words how i'm feeling. My whole body is in complete shock and i really do feel i'm heading for meltdown. Am currently at work (have no choice) but my mind is rambling. I just dont think i'm going to cope.

ElleEm

You WILL cope.
You have no choice. This will be difficult for all of you as a family but you need to stay strong for your children.

I am sure there are many counselling services in your area that you could turn to for support, but if things get tough between you and your wife, you could try to contact a family centre for mediation.

Smashhits

Hi Op
I totally get where you're coming from. My only bit of advise is to take a deep breath. If you have a friend you trust can you stay with them for a few days? You really shouldn't be alone at a time like this. If not do you have room in your house that you could sleep in separate rooms until you find an alternative?

Try to carry on in work as best you can, the mundane can help!

If you can, stay off work for a few days (depending on the home situation). The reason I say this is when my marriage was breaking up my ex was at home all day, I found going to work easier. It gave me the space to think clearly without all the emotion of what was happening.

I really feel for you, it's a very dark lonely time but it does pass. Acknowlege how you are feeling, it's perfectly normal.

kao123

Hi Op,
I know exactly what you are going through because in January the exact same thing happened to me, for 2 weeks I was numb with all manner of emotions, it was like a rollercoaster ride that I didn't want to be on and wasn't going to stop, the best thing I did was go to see a counselor within a few days.

I know what you mean as well when you say you cannot put down in words how you are feeling because no words can describe these feelings, but as other posters have said you WILL cope and you WILL get through this.

I am still going through it and dealing with it but you need to talk to someone about this and to be able to understand and deal with the barrage of emotions that this brings.

Remember to think of your children, you are their Dad and always will be, that will never change so it's important to be strong for them.

The Family Support Agency offers a counseling service if this is something you will consider, I did and I really mean it when I say it helps a lot.

Best of luck through this and stay strong.

Johnny_BravoIII

Falling apart, "checkin yourself in", hiding from the problem will solve nothing.

I had a feeling for past few months it was coming

What did you do to save your marriage?

I may be too late now but is the situation recoverable?
Have you spoken with your wife to identify the problems in the relationship?
Have your proposed a plan to deal with these problems? Have you tried marriage counselling etc etc

It seems to me you buried your head in the sand as she was clearly signalling that something was wrong. It possible that this is just a massive wake-up call.

LegacyUser

We had issues 3 months ago, I have tried so hard but just cant see past breaking up. When I say issues they were minor, no 3rd party involved. We decided to work on it- i wanted at the time for us both to go to counselling but she refuses point blank as she is doing again. I know we could get over it with a bit of counselling but she is being hard and only sees one way. I now expect i will have to get her to attend mediation. Still feeling numb and this day is just dragging out at work. I then have to go home where there will be all picture no sound for the night.

Katy89

first to say, I feel very sorry for the horrible situation you are in.

but I have kind of the same thoughts as poster 'johnny bravo'.
reading your first post it seemed so surrendering. it doesn't tell anything what you (you both) have done to save the marriage. it's not only for the kids, but you have 4 kids, isn't it worth to sit together and talk things through and at least try to solve it?

I don't think it is fair from your wife to refuse point blank counselling. that's very selfish. I would let her know, that you are very disappointed she's not even giving it a chance.
I would also say she must have good reasons to be so sure about the break up. did she tell you the exact reasons? she owes you that and emphasizing myself in your position I would like to know them, it's not a teenage romance she's breaking up...

LegacyUser

First off, OP, make sure you stand your ground w.r.t. your entitlements.

If she wants out, then let her leave the home. You should not be driven out of your home. Let her go and find a new place to live.

Fight for your children. If she wants to break up the family, she should not be the one getting custody of the children.

LegacyUser

Ok things are beginning to look up a bit. She has agreed to counselling and I now have to source a counsellor. Anyone have any thoughts regarding same.. Do we use Accord or go to one of the privately advertised counsellors/therapists. Thanks for all your replies so far of which some have really helped.

crackin_up

Hi OP, Sorry to hear what your going through. It is a very lonely place to be. You need to have someone, anyone that you can talk to for yourself. You don’t have to talk about what’s happening, just someone that you can unload too. That will help you first of all. I know what your going through is so hard, but you have to put the kids first for now. Believe me their strength will help you through it. I really don’t want to cast any doubts on a counsellor but for that to work both people have to be totally open and honest with each other, and want it to work. Accord is a very good facility to use in my opinion. I wish you all the best.

tara73

despair_unreg wrote: »

Ok things are beginning to look up a bit. She has agreed to counselling and I now have to source a counsellor. Anyone have any thoughts regarding same.. Do we use Accord or go to one of the privately advertised counsellors/therapists. Thanks for all your replies so far of which some have really helped.

do you have a good gp you trust? if yes, best thing first ask him/her if she/he knows somebody recommendable.
if not, there should be a list of approbiated counsellors, I don't have a link at the moment, but try and google it. it should be important that it's a good one who you trust and who fits, otherwise it's useless or could be even damaging.
you can also try different ones, have a 'try out session', it's very common.
best of luck.

iguana

despair_unreg wrote: »

Ok things are beginning to look up a bit. She has agreed to counselling and I now have to source a counsellor. Anyone have any thoughts regarding same.. Do we use Accord or go to one of the privately advertised counsellors/therapists. Thanks for all your replies so far of which some have really helped.

Good luck with the counselling. As for who to go with, Accord is a Catholic service which may or may not suit your family depending on how you both feel about religion. They could work well for you but if the religious background is off-putting there are other options. The MRCS is a secular counselling group and could be worth looking into. http://www.socialwork.ie/socialwork/web-directory/family-services/marriage-relationship-services/marriage-and-relationship-counselling-service http://www.relationshipsireland.com/